Difficult Situations

Old 07-02-2015, 06:32 PM
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It's so weird. It's taken a while for it to hit me.

It's just. I'm missing out on so much with her. I've already missed out on so much with her. I'm tired of missing out. I've missed out all my life and in so many ways. And now I have the rest of my life to keep on missing out on sharing my life experiences with her.

It's awful. It's just sinking in that I will never get to see her again. That things never had the chance to get better. It's so awful. I hate it.

And while I know that living the best life I can live is the best way to honour her memory, it just feels so hard. Life has been so hard even before her death. Stupid and simple things have always been hard for me. . ANd now it all just seems harder. It just seems worse.
I feel so empty. I've felt this way for a long time. And somehow it got worse.
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Old 07-02-2015, 08:52 PM
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I know it's a platitude, but a true one, that it's still early days. You will go through a great many emotions over the grieving period, and anger will be one of them. You truly have a lot to get angry about, but eventually that will subside too.

Your mother was one of the unfortunate A's that can't kick the habit before it becomes fatal. It hurts everyone around them, and themselves most of all.

You've done what you can to have a healthy reaction to her behaviour and learned a lot about how to cope with life and responsibility on the way. This will make you stronger in the end.

I've had people I know commit suicide, and I kept beating myself up with 'what if' I'd done this or that. Nothing I could have done would have saved them; I just had to admit that we are powerless to control others.

I hope you eventually marry and have a lovely MIL. I'm very close to my DIL, and anyone would be proud to have you as their daughter. I'm sure your mother was too.
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Old 07-03-2015, 07:18 AM
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Spalding, I lost my mom to cancer when I was 31. She was only 55--younger than I am, now. She got to hold my older son when he was a baby but died before my second son was born. My mom would have been the most AWESOME grandma. She was a fun mom. I miss her to this day.

But the thing is, life can't stop. I dream of her sometimes, and feel like we got to visit. Yes, I sometimes feel sad, but it doesn't rule my world.

FeelingGreat makes a good point. You can develop a mother-daughter type relationship with others in your life. I've had friends who were sort of "substitute moms" to me, as well as my mom's sister. You can surround yourself with love when you have worked through your grief a bit more. No, none of those people will take your mom's place, but it does fill some of the empty spaces when you need advice and support or someone with whom to share joyful moments.

Hugs,
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Old 07-03-2015, 07:37 AM
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It does take time to hit. My mother died five years ago, and every once in a while it will still hit me like a fresh blow. Twenty years before she died, my mom had a neural aneurysm as a result of her drinking and then a subsequent stroke, and so her last twenty years were spent in a lot of physical pain and dealing with the disabilities the stroke caused. It makes me sad still to think that my Mom never really got to live a normal life--first the drinking, then the disabilities. But it lightens the load a little to know that I was a source of happiness and comfort to her, as I know you were to your Mom. Another thing that helped me in the immediate aftermath of her death was to have work and a routine. Are you planning on going back to school? I think keeping busy and focused on life goals can help to keep from falling too hard into grief. We are here for you!
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Old 07-03-2015, 03:36 PM
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Nope, no one could ever take her place, and I know you all aren't suggesting that. It makes sense to be sure I am surrounded by those who love me. And I am.
I just will take time, as all things do.
I guess it's just an awful mix of fear that I have already lost out on so much from my circumstances, and also from my own actions; and that I will continue to do so in some ways. I feel like I wasted so much time of my life in a few different ways, and I'm afraid I'm going to just keep on doing the same thing.
Or that I will do stuff, but I'll just keep feeling blah. That I'll feel like I'm just going through the motions, as it's felt for a long time.

I do have a job, full time, which is good! And I'm going back to school in September, which is good (and scary) too. We'll just have to see where I lead my life (instead of where life will lead me, because I have more responsibility over it than I usually let myself see. Rephrasing it that way I guess, is a way to recognize that).
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Old 08-01-2015, 02:55 AM
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Hi guys, it feels like it's been a long time!

Mini-update and very strange feeling update.

My mum would have turned 5 last tuesday. It's still strange and hard to believe at times. I miss her. I still am not feeling a lot, but it comes and goes, and I'm less hung up on that aspect.

What's really weird is that I just found my sister in an eerily similar position as I have had to deal with my mum. It's actually really weirding me out.
My sister can party pretty hard. I got up early to go on a trip this weekend, and I found my sister, who I heard get back a little while ago, passed out, slumped over on the toilet. I have had to deal with this with my mum before. It was like double vision.
So I woke her up, with difficulty, and convinced her to get moving up to bed. As she proceeded to accidentally tuck some toilet paper into her shorts.

Yikes.

Now I know I need to do the work not to feel responsible, or to flip out about it. It's just. Really. Flashback-y. I've done that before. I've had to do that for my mother. Ans when I phrase it like that? I start to realize what I've gone though.
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Old 08-01-2015, 01:51 PM
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So glad to hear from you, Spaulding. Many of us have followed your story and cheered you on, and we are still here for you when you need us.

It does take time to grieve and move on, a bit at a time, back and forth, but it happens.

Now I know I need to do the work not to feel responsible, or to flip out about it. It's just. Really. Flashback-y. I've done that before. I've had to do that for my mother. Ans when I phrase it like that? I start to realize what I've gone though.

A couple of thoughts on this - - When I left my now XH over 3 years ago, it took me a long time to realize how bad it had been and how much I had suppressed who I was and what I needed because he was always at the top of his list (and mine). I didn't understand who I had become and how far from normal my perspective had gone.

That takes time, and therapy, and a lot of healthy introspection.

As for your sister, that is a scary scenario, especially having just lived through your experience with your mother's decline and death.

Can you talk with her about her drinking? Is this just a one or two time thing, or do you see it as a pattern? If you can have a real conversation with her, maybe you can get some clarity about the path she's starting to follow.

I remember that she was away a lot of the time your mother's health was failing. Is it possible that she doesn't understand alcoholism and the fact that she is more at risk because of your family history and the genetics of alcoholism?

Having said that, her path is not your path, and you don't need to be a mother to her. This is your time to heal and think and grow and focus on what you want for your future. You didn't cause her problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

You can, however, set clear boundaries for yourself. Maybe, after some reflection, living with your sister won't be something you can choose if she continues to drink so heavily. That's ok, sad and distressing, but ok.

You get to live your own life now and focus all your energies on yourself and your future.

Hope you'll post more often, we're here for you.

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Old 12-05-2015, 06:41 PM
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Hard to believe its almost been a year since I started posting here.
It's been a lot of change, emotion, work and everything in between in that time.

The house is almost closing, it's pretty much empty. It's been a lot of work going through everything, and finding so many things. So many decisions to have made. My sister really stepped up and carried a lot of weight. More than she should have, in some ways.

In terms of my own self, there's still a lot going on. I'm realizing just how much I've changed in these 11 years past. I'm still feeling very without a rudder. But even recognizing that is progress. Part of that feeling still lies in my issues with trusting my own judgement, living in fears, people pleasing/conflict avoiding/diffusing behaviours, rigidity and need for control.
I'm also learning how much I need to work on my communication skills. They've really suffered as a combination of my own nature, and again, these past 11 years.

One thing that's been made clear to me by my dad and sister, as well as myself is that I certainly have a lot more space and less complication for me to start making those changes. Of course, that came at a price, a very painful one.

I'm still dealing with a lot of regret as well. It's hard to look back at the times when she was here, and I (kinda) helped in the garden, but couldve enjoyed it more. Or those last days in the hospital, just sitting there reading even after she had made note of it and asked to spend some time. But I couldn't and didn't. And so it is a fine balance between being kind to myself because those times were hard, and also recognizing those things I couldve (and therefore can learn for the future from) been better at. Also, I know it's important to remember that it wasn't always that way either.

I do think of this place often, and I hope you all are doing well, or at least better in some way. I think it's probably a good idea to keep posting, as a way to keep myself in touch with ideas of recovery, both in terms of my own behaviours and issues in relation to my experiences with my mum, and also in terms of dealing with the grief of it all, cause surprise surprise, I've not been much allowing myself to do that.
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Old 12-05-2015, 07:19 PM
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Hey there! Great to hear from you!

Glad to hear that your sister has been so helpful. It hasn't been that long since your mom left you. Sounds like you understand that patience with yourself and some work on yourself is what's needed. Wrapping up the estate has kept you busy, and you will probably feel a bit at loose ends for a while. As I said, be patient with yourself, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually you'll have your own life reclaimed.

Hugs, and please stick around. Maybe start some new threads or post a bit in other ones. As I respond to other people, I'm constantly making new discoveries about myself.
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Old 12-06-2015, 09:46 AM
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Maybe start some new threads or post a bit in other ones. As I respond to other people, I'm constantly making new discoveries about myself.
Glad you checked back in, Spalding. I'd strongly second Lexie's recommendation. It seems that those who really learn, grow and heal are those who reach out to others. Taking that intense laser focus off of our own little corner of the world and looking around can let in a whole ton of new insights and happiness.

Keep on working!
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Old 12-06-2015, 11:05 AM
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Spalding, so glad to hear from you! I am so glad that you reached out here when your Mom was declining, and I agree with you that sticking around could really help you to think through the relationship patterns you learned with your Mom. I was about your age when my own Mom had some very serious medical problems as a result of her drinking, but instead of reaching out for healthy support, I fell into drinking myself and got into a series of codependent relationships with other addicts. It was about ten years before I made my first effort to get sober, and has taken me another ten to find lasting sobriety and emotional stability. So I'm inspired by your story. I think it's great that you have been proactive in the past about taking care of yourself and totally agree that seeking out other people who are working on recovering from the effects of addiction on their lives is a very healthy step for you!! Keep coming back!
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