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Old 08-06-2004, 07:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
 

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HOW do I let go, HOW do I stop missing him???

Good morning all,
Mornings and late in the evening are getting to be unbearable. What is wrong with me??? I really don't want to feel this pain ANYMORE. I just want to stop missing him. I don't understand HOW to let go. If he would have called me last night I would have let him come over. I feel so hopeless. So beat by this. I hear all the suggested but they just don't sink in. They just sound like empty words. I go through the motions of my day. I feel good I feel bad. Back and forth, back and forth. I don't know how much longer I can take this roller coaster ride. I want to get off this ride. BUT HOW!!!!
Would someone please tell me I can get through this. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel. Does posting here really work. I'm just so tired off missing him. If something isnt healthy for me why can't I just LET IT GO? :yell: :banghead:
thanks for letting me vent, Serenity777
Sometimes it takes awhile??? Trust the Process????
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Old 08-06-2004, 07:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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(((Sweetie)))
I understand exactly. My H & I have been married for almost 20 years. Last year, after a particularly horrible weekend, I was so pissed off that I kicked him out - the only time I've ever done that. After three days, I called HIM and tried to work it out.

I let him come back with a long list of conditions. He moved back in and, of course, none of the conditions were ever met. I felt like a total loser. I couldn't believe how weak and spineless I was. That's when I found recovery. I had hit MY bottom.

The only way that I know to get off of the roller coaster is to work my program. I jumped in with blind faith and I'm getting better every day. For me, it has nothing to do with him or what he is doing or not doing. It is all about me. Seeing what is really happening without making excuses to myself, finding the ability to decide what I want and what I don't want and learning to feel perfectly justified in making those choices without guilt. It takes time but is so worth it.

I love my H and always will. The choices he is making are not compatible with what I want in my life. My life is just as important as his. I can love him without living with him.

I know it won't be easy to ask him to leave but I now know this. It has to be done, I have to do it and I will. Life can be tough and so can I.
Hang in there hon and let us know how it's going.
L
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Old 08-06-2004, 07:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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You can get through this.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
It just doesn't feel that way right now.
You will feel better about things at some point.
It just takes time.
Hugs,
Gabe
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Old 08-06-2004, 07:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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serenity,
I can't let go of something without replacing it. When I remove something from my life, even if it is unhealthy, there is a hole there. Letting go of a relationship is the same. I need to fill that hole with other things. Going to meetings, creating new friendships, working on my recovery. You have lost something in your life, and nothing can keep you from feeling loss and pain, but you won't heal until you start to fill that void with something else. If you don't fill it with something else, you will fill it with what was there before. I hope that you can begin healing. Al-Anon has so much to offer if we are ready to reach out and take it. Hugs, Magic
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Old 08-06-2004, 09:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I totally agree with Magic!
A few years ago when I split from my ALO, it was almost unbearable when I first woke in the morning and right before sleeping at night. This went on for quite a while until I had other things to fill in the crack where he had been. It WILL get better!
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Old 08-06-2004, 10:31 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What helps me forget about him is when I am "feeling" lonely and miss him I stop and think about all the rotten stuff he has done to me in the past. Then boy does my feelings change fast. I ask myself "what makes sense for me"? Living with him and his drinking and those effects or being by myself having peace of mind and not worry about what he is doing. Because guaranteed he's still the same jerk I was with for so long. When you feel lonely it's just your feelings and you have the control to change that feeling. So try hard and think of something else.
 
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Old 08-06-2004, 04:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
 

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Hi all,
Thanks so much for sharing...its helps to know people understand!!!
Loralie, Life can be tough, but So can I....I've been getting that very feeling lately...I luv it!!!!!! I get burst of determenation...strength....!
Magichappens, Filling the void....thats good....we say in AA...we came for our drinking...and then we stay for our thinking...if I didnt have the programs and friends, I sure I wouldnt be sober today! The longer I'm sober...the more I'm finding out who I am...and All my desire and interests I had when I was younger are starting to come alive in me!!!
CrazyRed....It WILL get better......I need to hear that....keep reminding me!!! LOL
Journey1....think of something else....ok....I will try....thats a hard one when when I'm in that (I'm missing him mood,,,I seem to lose sight of the truth) but I have been asking God to keep the truth in the forfront of my mind.
Gabe....thanks, I'll print that...and put in ALL around my house.....LOL seriously I will do that!!!
You know its like I'm two people, this one woman who is getting healther, stronger, and coming alive, peaceful, blossoming!!!!!!!!!!! Then there is this needy blind depressed woman who just is wants him! Who will win....LOL I quess its the one I feed? Again thanks ...............Serenity777

Ok, its 6pm and I'm off to a mtg soon......bye for now!!!
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Old 08-06-2004, 04:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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serenity,

Journaling can help. Begin to write down how you feel. Make lists of the things you did to keep it going that didn't work, the things you want in life, your dreams. Beginning to journal is the beginning of a 4th step as well. It can be very eye opening.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 08-07-2004, 11:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I have those feelings as well. There are days that I miss him - I miss the "normal" life I had before our split. BUT...let's get real here....that life that we had together may have "seemed" normal - but that is not the kind of normal I really want. I guess I was just not wanting to let go of the person that I loved and cared about. I realized that the relationship had been lost. And since I can't change him - I had to focus on me.
As was mentioned earlier, you just need to find something to fill in the cracks of your life right now, to fill that void that him leaving has left you with. And it can be done! It does get better! and it does get easier!
For me, I wasn't sure what all I wanted to do with my life or where I wanted to go. I had been living around my AH for so long that that was all that I knew. I started out slow but I can tell you that I have had a HUGE HUGE year! It's been almost overwhelming at times.
AH and I have a decent relationship now. We have to have contact because of our children. And I actually enjoy telling him about my achievements. Of course, this makes him feel even more scared that we'll never get back together - but it also shows him that I will not accept anything less than I want and/or deserve ever again!

Oops, sorry was getting off the subject there. LOL

Hang in there - make a list of goals, things you'd like to experience, things you'd like to do etc. Journaling can help as was suggested. Just keep on moving - one step at a time, one day at a time!
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Old 08-07-2004, 11:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serenity777
You know its like I'm two people, this one woman who is getting healther, stronger, and coming alive, peaceful, blossoming!!!!!!!!!!! Then there is this needy blind depressed woman who just is wants him! Who will win....LOL I quess its the one I feed?
Yep, that is exactly right. And it brought this to mind...

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them,
" A fight is going on inside me....
it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stand for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too"
They thought about it for minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied....

"The one you feed."
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Old 08-07-2004, 11:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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When my AH and I were separated, I found alot of comfort with my dog. Maybe this sounds stupid, but Dylan (bichon frise) loves me unconditionally, never yells at me or calls me names, doesn't lie to me or cheat on me and never comes home drunk!!LOL
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Old 08-07-2004, 02:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
 

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Hi all,
Thanks for your suggestions....!!!
Gabe...another something to print..and put on the mirror..maybe I should start a business...Recovery Wallpaper...LOL
Amarie....Luvs Dogs...been thinkin about gettin one..hmmmm? LOL

Well, I went to two mtgs this morning....shared and cried through both...oh my...it was extremely PAINFUL....WOW...BUT.............I did get through it....and am feeling better...."I get by with a little help from my friends" You know, not seeing this AO really triggers a lot of memories, not just him, but memories of my first husband who I haven't seen in 13 yrs....today on the way to the mtg, (which is in the town where my first husband is from).....I ran into a friend of his that I haven't seen for about 15 yrs...Wow, that was strange to say the least...he said him and some friends had just been talking about my ex....and thought of me....but none have seen or heard from my ex...! Anyway, we talked some more, and I went to the mtg....! Letting go of a man, is like when I stopped drinking...Alcohol was my god, and so was this man....Now its learning to replace them with a trust in GOD....! Finding a life without a man....Enjoying life without a man.....doing things with a man....its all new for me....and that why I get scared...and thats why it feels strange...BUT I am learning. What a Journey!!!
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Old 08-07-2004, 02:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
 

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Hi StandingStrong.....YES, We do deserve the very best! After all its what I want for my children...and my Heavenly Father wants the VERY best for me, and YOU, too!!! I'm finding out that the more I get to know ME, the more I like me, I'm not so bad after All!!! LOL and to think I used to HATE myself very deeply! yikes! I'm learning to be gentle, loving, tolerant, patient, and kind...with me!!! After all thats how I treat my friends...why not me too bye for now Serenity777
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Old 08-16-2004, 05:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
I sure know how you feel and I really admire your strength!! I wish I had your strength, I let my husband come back home because the pain was unbearable for me.

It is so hard because he is my best friend and the one I go to when hurt. So him leaving and drinking again, hurt so BAD, but HE is the one who did it!! So I felt pain with him and pain with out him.

I feel like I am not a whole person when he is not with me and he says he feels the same. I know this is not healthy and the reason I can't be strong.

I am now working on MYSELF, got a new job I have wanted for a long time, got a new car, and am working on being strong FOR ME. THEN I can work on US.
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Old 08-16-2004, 08:01 AM   #15 (permalink)
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serenity777
I don't have any advice for you. I am in the same place. I wish I could stop loving and missing my AH who also was the person I went to when I was hurt or troubled. He was my best friend for a lot of years before all the problems set in. I miss him terribly and the pain is unbearable at times.
When it hits I try and stay busy but in the evening and a night I have a terrible time. I have found that reading and posting on this site helps a little.
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Old 08-16-2004, 12:22 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Serenity,

When we stop drinking we have to fill the alcohol void, same when we end a relationship. The relationship void will fill up when you develop a relationship with yourself and so will the alcohol void for that matter.

Ngaire
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Old 08-16-2004, 03:41 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Me too!

Girl, I hear you loud and clear. I was actually going through the same feelings last night. My A usually calls between a certian time in the evening and I want him to call and don't want him to call all at the same time. I have anxiety about it and then when he doesn't call, there's a whole array of emotions. Sometimes I am strong and know that he won't get to me if he calls and other times are different. If he would have called last night, I may have given in and let him come over too - so I'm glad he didn't call, but it still hurts.

See I made a real list of all the BAD things he does and I have it there in black and white when I need it, but I'm pretty good at keeping a running tab in my head. Here's a big one: If he is calling me tonight, then I have to think about "Who did he call last night?" He can't be alone. He has a need for intimacy and he has to feel wanted. So when he's not calling me, I know he's calling someone else! ouch! It hurts and weekends are the hardest since he is a performer and woman chase after him where ever he goes. It's crazy.

Then if I really think about the reality of it all then I realize that all the things I'm missing about him are really just my own "fantasy" things, because a true look shows that what I'm missing is NOT the real him. In reality he has a lot of bad to hand out and very little good. He expects to be taken care of in every way, but never gives back in return. I was waiting on him hand and foot, supporting him and doing EVERYTHING for him, but when I came home from work he wouldn't even give me a shoulder massage or a foot massage! His response was always, "That's not my gig." And then, he would ask me to get up and get him a beer. He has to feel like he is in control. And in many ways I'm a very independent person and he was trying to take every bit of control away from me that I had in my life. And before I knew it, I became submissive to him.

I feel so used and shamed by him and the way he makes me feel and what I let him do to me and I have to keep telling myself that.

Thanks for the topic,
Jenna

Myles is right - we have to somehow fill that void with love for ourselves. It seems impossible. I've been trying to fill the void with Al-anon meetings, literature and just the program in general and I still have a hole inside. Someday I hope to love myself just 1/2 as much as I have loved my A and others in my life. Though, I fear that's a long road.
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Old 08-16-2004, 05:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Shutterbug,

One step at a time and you will learn to love yourself.

It is a hard road but we can get there.

Ngaire
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Old 08-17-2004, 07:11 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by amarie
When my AH and I were separated, I found alot of comfort with my dog. Maybe this sounds stupid, but Dylan (bichon frise) loves me unconditionally, never yells at me or calls me names, doesn't lie to me or cheat on me and never comes home drunk!!LOL
Doesn't sound silly at all amarie!! I think I'd have a hard time choosing between my dog and my husband too....and my husband isn't an A. LOL
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