Newcomer; Had to kick out/end a friendship and I feel really bad
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Newcomer; Had to kick out/end a friendship and I feel really bad
Hi there, I wanted to share my story about a friend who has substance abuse and eating disorder issues. I was trying to help her out, but she didn't want to help herself and was inconsiderate to me, so I cut her off. I feel really guilty, and am still second guessing whether I did the right thing.
I have known this friend for ~10 years. She was in jail for a total of about 3 months for having 3 DUIs. She's 35, a doctor and had her act together at some point, but she's always had substance abuse and bulimia/anorexia issues. We met in college 10 years ago, at an eating disorder support group. She went through some tough times in the last few years with her fiancee becoming quadriplegic in an accident, which led to heavy drinking, drug use, guilt, and then the DUIs.
I visited her multiple times while she was in jail and sober, and we talked about plans when she got out (moving to my city, enrolling in a sober living home, getting a job, doing fun healthy things like hiking, etc). I picked her up on the night she got released from jail (a Wednesday) with nothing but the clothes on her back. I gave her some clothes, cash, toiletries and let her stay with me. We didn't discuss for how long, but at least until her parents returned from being out of town for the weekend.
The next day I had to go to work, and I dropped her off at the store and she's supposed to go to the bank, get a phone, etc. I was expecting her text while I was at work because she has my house key and she's supposed to look after my dog, so I needed reassurance that everything is okay in the home front and I won't be locked out. I didn't hear from her the entire day. When I returned from work, she was home, but wasted and passing out. She got a phone but didn't activate it, so I did it for her.
That night, I also heard her binging and purging all night into my garbage disposal. She had a giant bag of junk food that she was binging on all night. I could hear the food wrappers all night, and the dog was hounding her for some crumbs when I took a peek.
The next morning I had a talk with her. I told her how her actions make me very upset, because by letting her stay with me I am giving her a place to binge, purge, and get wasted. If she was staying with her parents or in rehab, she wouldn't be doing that. I felt like an idiot for helping her if she didn't want to help herself. She acknowledged what I said and said she'd stop. I told her I know it's not easy, but please show some consideration for me at least.
Then I went to work that day. While I was at work, I texted her to see how she was doing. That was when she told me had broken my bathroom window. She had locked herself out and decided to break in to my apartment instead of calling me. She said sorry and that she will have someone fix it in the morning. I went out after work that night, and got home kind of late, around 2am. She had already passed out by then.
The next morning my friend was up and out at the store. In retrospect, it was to buy alcohol and binge foods. I got up around noon and found that she has not taken any steps to find someone to fix the bathroom window, so I was pretty annoyed. She got on a computer but kept passing out, presumably drunk. I had to look for someone to fix the window myself. That evening, I was going out and asked if she wanted to join. She said she wanted to stay in and rest. I ended up being home at an unexpected time and found her walking back with tons of junk food to binge on as well as alcohol. She was planning to use my empty house to engage in her sick behavior of course. At that point I asked her to leave and took her to a hotel. She begged me to let her stay but I firmly declined.
During her stay here, I also discovered that she had drank a lot of my alcohol and refilled the bottles with some other liquid.
Not to mention, she lied about having called the sober living home, but when I checked her call log on her phone, she did not, and she lied to my face about it.
I don't know why, I still feel bad about kicking her out because she had just been released from jail and went through a rough time, but what she did was really disrespectful to me. She has shown herself to be a dishonest, disrespectful and not dependable person. Rationally, I have no desire to be friends with someone like that Even though I'd known her for a long time, the friendship has to be cut off at some point, and it's too bad it had to be done at the roughest time. If she was unwilling to change after hitting bottom (jail), when would she ever change? I know many of her actions arose out of her being sick, but I can't remain friends with her and expect her to change. She still owes me money for the broken window and the hotel too, and I don't expect that she will "woman up" and pay me back on her own volition.
I have known this friend for ~10 years. She was in jail for a total of about 3 months for having 3 DUIs. She's 35, a doctor and had her act together at some point, but she's always had substance abuse and bulimia/anorexia issues. We met in college 10 years ago, at an eating disorder support group. She went through some tough times in the last few years with her fiancee becoming quadriplegic in an accident, which led to heavy drinking, drug use, guilt, and then the DUIs.
I visited her multiple times while she was in jail and sober, and we talked about plans when she got out (moving to my city, enrolling in a sober living home, getting a job, doing fun healthy things like hiking, etc). I picked her up on the night she got released from jail (a Wednesday) with nothing but the clothes on her back. I gave her some clothes, cash, toiletries and let her stay with me. We didn't discuss for how long, but at least until her parents returned from being out of town for the weekend.
The next day I had to go to work, and I dropped her off at the store and she's supposed to go to the bank, get a phone, etc. I was expecting her text while I was at work because she has my house key and she's supposed to look after my dog, so I needed reassurance that everything is okay in the home front and I won't be locked out. I didn't hear from her the entire day. When I returned from work, she was home, but wasted and passing out. She got a phone but didn't activate it, so I did it for her.
That night, I also heard her binging and purging all night into my garbage disposal. She had a giant bag of junk food that she was binging on all night. I could hear the food wrappers all night, and the dog was hounding her for some crumbs when I took a peek.
The next morning I had a talk with her. I told her how her actions make me very upset, because by letting her stay with me I am giving her a place to binge, purge, and get wasted. If she was staying with her parents or in rehab, she wouldn't be doing that. I felt like an idiot for helping her if she didn't want to help herself. She acknowledged what I said and said she'd stop. I told her I know it's not easy, but please show some consideration for me at least.
Then I went to work that day. While I was at work, I texted her to see how she was doing. That was when she told me had broken my bathroom window. She had locked herself out and decided to break in to my apartment instead of calling me. She said sorry and that she will have someone fix it in the morning. I went out after work that night, and got home kind of late, around 2am. She had already passed out by then.
The next morning my friend was up and out at the store. In retrospect, it was to buy alcohol and binge foods. I got up around noon and found that she has not taken any steps to find someone to fix the bathroom window, so I was pretty annoyed. She got on a computer but kept passing out, presumably drunk. I had to look for someone to fix the window myself. That evening, I was going out and asked if she wanted to join. She said she wanted to stay in and rest. I ended up being home at an unexpected time and found her walking back with tons of junk food to binge on as well as alcohol. She was planning to use my empty house to engage in her sick behavior of course. At that point I asked her to leave and took her to a hotel. She begged me to let her stay but I firmly declined.
During her stay here, I also discovered that she had drank a lot of my alcohol and refilled the bottles with some other liquid.
Not to mention, she lied about having called the sober living home, but when I checked her call log on her phone, she did not, and she lied to my face about it.
I don't know why, I still feel bad about kicking her out because she had just been released from jail and went through a rough time, but what she did was really disrespectful to me. She has shown herself to be a dishonest, disrespectful and not dependable person. Rationally, I have no desire to be friends with someone like that Even though I'd known her for a long time, the friendship has to be cut off at some point, and it's too bad it had to be done at the roughest time. If she was unwilling to change after hitting bottom (jail), when would she ever change? I know many of her actions arose out of her being sick, but I can't remain friends with her and expect her to change. She still owes me money for the broken window and the hotel too, and I don't expect that she will "woman up" and pay me back on her own volition.
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dammaged-
It sounds like you have your own experience with addiction.
When you were in the throes of your behaviors could someone else have made to do them (or give them up)?
How are you and your challenges doing living even briefly with someone in a bad place with her addictions. That would make mine challenging.
It sounds like you have your own experience with addiction.
When you were in the throes of your behaviors could someone else have made to do them (or give them up)?
How are you and your challenges doing living even briefly with someone in a bad place with her addictions. That would make mine challenging.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What I've learned is not to offer unsolicited advice. Some relationships are simply impossible, one person is too disturbed. The hard part is accepting that we're powerless over other people if they don't want help.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Your friend is not the only person in this life to take care of; You have needs too. You obviously made an effort to give her structure and boundaries and she ignored all of them (or at least, the disease did). Until your friend gets sober, I don't think any of your boundaries and needs will be respected.
Your guilt for not wanting contact anymore may not be about the leaving your friend hanging. Maybe it's because you feel that you failed in rescuing her? Maybe you need to forgive yourself for trying to fix something that can't be fixed - at least not by you. It's all in her hands. You can love her dearly, set your boundaries, and send her on her way. Let her know that you will always be there for her and you will support her efforts for sobriety, but not her abusive behavior (or some other boundaries that feel right for you such as you will not be around her while she is drinking/binging and you will not permit that behavior in your home).
The person to ask if you've done the right thing is really YOU in the end. Did you hold true to yourself? What do you want in a friendship (if you had a friend in your exact same situation, what would you suggest that they do?) - what will you accept? what will you not accept? that's totally up to you. I don't think wanting your home to be respected is really that much to ask. Unfortunately, the disease of addiction will try to take you out right along with your friend.
Only my two cents. I might be off the mark with some of my guesses. You're the one that knows your own heart here.
You didn't cause it - You can't cure it - and MOST definitely, you cannot control it.
My heart goes out to you. It really does. It's too easy to look at someone else's life and give advice. My father drinks everyday and rarely contacts me. I'm estranged from several siblings and question my own actions as well in setting boundaries and sticking to them (I will not be in a relationship for which my wife and family is not accepted). I need stories like yours to remind me that sometimes taking care of yourself is ACTUALLY OK.
hugs
Your guilt for not wanting contact anymore may not be about the leaving your friend hanging. Maybe it's because you feel that you failed in rescuing her? Maybe you need to forgive yourself for trying to fix something that can't be fixed - at least not by you. It's all in her hands. You can love her dearly, set your boundaries, and send her on her way. Let her know that you will always be there for her and you will support her efforts for sobriety, but not her abusive behavior (or some other boundaries that feel right for you such as you will not be around her while she is drinking/binging and you will not permit that behavior in your home).
The person to ask if you've done the right thing is really YOU in the end. Did you hold true to yourself? What do you want in a friendship (if you had a friend in your exact same situation, what would you suggest that they do?) - what will you accept? what will you not accept? that's totally up to you. I don't think wanting your home to be respected is really that much to ask. Unfortunately, the disease of addiction will try to take you out right along with your friend.
Only my two cents. I might be off the mark with some of my guesses. You're the one that knows your own heart here.
You didn't cause it - You can't cure it - and MOST definitely, you cannot control it.
My heart goes out to you. It really does. It's too easy to look at someone else's life and give advice. My father drinks everyday and rarely contacts me. I'm estranged from several siblings and question my own actions as well in setting boundaries and sticking to them (I will not be in a relationship for which my wife and family is not accepted). I need stories like yours to remind me that sometimes taking care of yourself is ACTUALLY OK.
hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 6,516
As I understand it, she's in a difficult double-whammy here. The common denominator between alcoholism and EDs seems to be the resistance to admitting disease and the difficulty in seeking help.
I know for alcoholics, they have to hit bottom. People with EDs often don't have a bottom; the mortality rate is significantly higher than any other illness that's traditionally been classified as "mental."
That said -- you were a good friend and gave her an opportunity to get on her feet. I understand that you feel used, lied to, and are disappointed in and angry at her. I found compassion with my ex when I could accept that his alcoholism was a disease, and that he was pretty powerless against it -- which means I had even less power.
I think taking your friend to a hotel was a wise thing to do. You have no responsibility for her, and her best chance at realizing she needs help might be running out of options.
I know for alcoholics, they have to hit bottom. People with EDs often don't have a bottom; the mortality rate is significantly higher than any other illness that's traditionally been classified as "mental."
That said -- you were a good friend and gave her an opportunity to get on her feet. I understand that you feel used, lied to, and are disappointed in and angry at her. I found compassion with my ex when I could accept that his alcoholism was a disease, and that he was pretty powerless against it -- which means I had even less power.
I think taking your friend to a hotel was a wise thing to do. You have no responsibility for her, and her best chance at realizing she needs help might be running out of options.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
You're clearly a loyal, caring friend and were there for this woman when she needed you. However, if you'd continued letting her stay at your place it would only have had the effect of letting her stay sick safely, and she would have had no incentive whatsoever to address her problems.
If she'd wanted recovery, she'd have made moves to sort something out - and would have abstained from abusing your hospitality. She clearly doesn't.
You have no control over or responsibility for her actions. You ARE responsible for your own well being and friendships though - and, in my book, someone who lies to you and abuses you doesn't count.
Taking her elsewhere was wise, healthy and a perfectly OK thing to do. The fact that she spent time in jail is nobody's responsibility but her own, and the same is true of her recovery - should she ever choose that option. If you still feel guilty, keep posting on here - there are plenty of people who will support you in your decision.
(((HUGS)))
If she'd wanted recovery, she'd have made moves to sort something out - and would have abstained from abusing your hospitality. She clearly doesn't.
You have no control over or responsibility for her actions. You ARE responsible for your own well being and friendships though - and, in my book, someone who lies to you and abuses you doesn't count.
Taking her elsewhere was wise, healthy and a perfectly OK thing to do. The fact that she spent time in jail is nobody's responsibility but her own, and the same is true of her recovery - should she ever choose that option. If you still feel guilty, keep posting on here - there are plenty of people who will support you in your decision.
(((HUGS)))
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