he dumped the vodka

Old 12-22-2014, 12:53 AM
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he dumped the vodka

Well he dumped the vodka today. Not sure how much of it he ingested. He was in bad shape when I arrived to visit. He has a therapy session tomorrow, Monday (court-ordered), and he's worried he's going to appear drunk and be taken directly to jail. This is a possibility, but it's not likely. But he chose to dump the vodka. Im liking that.
He told me his mom laid into him today and said "rehab or you're out." He has to figure a way to go to rehab without violating his probation. He has a place in mind that he would like to go. I told him (again) that I'd quit everything with him. Tomorrow is a big day. I just hope he doesnt make it through and then "celebrate." Im glad his mom said what she said. He's realizing that his comfortable life isnt forever.
So at this time, things are progressing, slowly. I just hope we keep moving forward.
I'm not stressed though, which makes this doable. I have s**t to do and he needs to stop choosing to drink and choosing to not get help. So this withdrawal is not my issue. I feel capable and better equipped to be strong. I really hope he can figure out how to go to rehab now instead of in Feb when he completes his probation requirements. His therapist may be able to clarify how it might work, tomorrow at his appt. But this was a good day
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Old 12-22-2014, 02:27 AM
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That's a great step in the right direction, if nothing else, it sounds like he's accepting he has a problem. And it also sounds like you're doing a great job of leaving him to get himself sorted out.

Well done.
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Old 12-22-2014, 04:27 AM
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waggin....good for you in backing off from the situation. No use for you to torture yourself over something that you have absolutely no real control over.

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Old 12-22-2014, 10:32 PM
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Just be careful. My A used to make a show of dumping alcohol before court, but immediately afterward, he was drinking from the stress of the hearing. Apparently.

It's good that you and his mom are setting boundaries that are keeping him from living a cushy life while in addiction.
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Old 12-22-2014, 10:53 PM
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so basically he drank today? correct?

I am sorry, but nada, nothing, zero has changed.

and I'm not much of a gambler, but I bet he will drink again tomorrow after his appointment. or the day after for sure.

Addiction doesn't and cannot just evaporate. Even if Mom says enough. NO MORE.

Honey, do you know the actual percentage of people who successfully recover? It's a very low percentage. Going to rehab is not a guarantee. Thinking it's best to keep the focus on yourself for now, he has a lot of work to do if he truly wants to recover, and sorry to say, that will not leave much room for any relationship. Not being cruel, just sharing facts.

My intent is not to be harsh, but waggin you are playing with fire here, and from someone who has boarded the crazy train more times than I care to remember, it burns every effin time.
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:15 PM
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Still on a smartphone. Advance apology for errors
I was over at his (parent's) house today. His mom called him around 4pm on her way home. I could hear her through his phone. She said something like, "just want to remind you you have to be out by 5 today." He acted like he didnt understand why she was doing this and what has triggered this. She rightfully so, expressed frustration that he's been laying in their spare bedroom for a month and has done little to no work. He has no plan and is pretty much not into discussing one. I cant imagine her frustration. I mean I kind of can, but no. It's been years for her. And it's her son. He was her baby at one time and his fall must be so heartbreaking, definitely to the point of numbness.
So he asks her why thus is happening, what triggered it. He knows. She said that it's bc he's hiding out in their room for days not doing anything. He stated he just does that so he's not in their space. I asked what he was going to do. He said he's going to wait on doing anything. Actually admitted that he'd "weaseled past it. He totally did. It's obvious why she's kicking you out. It's EVERYTHING. So I gathered my things and said I was going to go. He didnt want me to. I explained that i dont like to be in the middle of such big family issues. And i said i feel like he's using me as a buffer to keep his mom off his back and that stresses me out. So i continued to leave. By then his mom arrived home. She was totally pleasant. He was up and at em to see what he could do to appease her. They were going to decorate their tree. By the time I got home, he was cleaning out/organizing his stuff crammed into their garage. Im glad he's moving around. But his attitude still sucks. I don't like how he views his mom. After their phone conversation, he commented that she's crazy. I reminded him that she cleaned out his 2 puke buckets and totally cleaned the bedroom he detoxed in a couple of weeks ago. Not pretty and I wonder how many times she's done that for him He also phoned in sick to his court-ordered therapy today.
So one good day, one less good day. I wont call it bad bc my doggy and I had an awesome time at the beach
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:19 PM
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I hear you Marie. I'll hang around but only if he goes to rehab.Even then, I realize that IF he commits to being sober, there will likely not be any room for this relationship. He has so much work to do. I feel pretty hopeless for him right now.
It's crazy how much of his own world he lives in.
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:27 PM
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So can you tell me again, why you are choosing to stay in contact wiith this guy?

Last time we talked you were going to go no contact with him, was wondering what made you change your mind?

and you are correct when you say it very uncomfortable to be in the middle of such big family issues. So why do you expose yourself to that?

I have to ask, what are you thinking? And why do you feel hopeless for an adult man who is not taking care of business and addressing his own needs? and now he calls off a court ordered therapy session. He may just find himself in something we call consequences on that issue.

I'm worried for you, you are not taking care of you, you are hanging around to see what happens? What kind of life is that for you ? Pretty sure 75% of us here have an idea of how this is going to turn out, but............... everyone gets to choose their own path, from the bottom of my heart, choose smart, choose with your head, and not your heart and emotions.
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:36 PM
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I get drawn in when he talks about rehab. When im with him, it's harder to disconnect. I can disconnect from the alcoholism but not him. By that I mean, he pukes, I just keep watching tv. He slugs vodka, I go home. When he cries and talks about going to rehab and tells me he loves me, i turn soft. Not awesome. But I'm way better off than where I was a couple weeks ago. And the more I read and the more time I spend on here, the better.
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Old 12-23-2014, 12:11 AM
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Stop listening and start watching. He can tell you all day, every day about going to rehab, but when does it actually HAPPEN? So far he's lobbed excuse after excuse at you to appease you and to get the monkey off his back. He hasn't DONE anything to make any of those words matter.
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Old 12-23-2014, 08:39 AM
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So do you want to take over cleaning up the puke buckets, paying for everything, and having him call you "crazy" when you get tired of doing it after a few years?

Go back to NC and step away.
This guy is headed for a really major crash and it sounds like his parents are about done.
Guess who he will be asking to rescue him next?

Surely you see this coming?
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Old 12-23-2014, 08:59 AM
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waggin....I really do get how you FEEL...get sucked back in, etc. I really do. It takes a while to break away from the bonding that occurs in intimate relationships---whether that relationship is healthy or toxic--the feelings of attachment are the same.

Soooo, in light of this....I think it is much better to put your BRAIN in charge of your life for the next period of time. It is not safe to trust your HEART! You are still too vulnerable to let your heart direct things...LOL!

It sounds, to me, that you are getting it at an intellectual level. Good. Just keep that brain in command.

If you can do this long enough ....I think you will be just fine....

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Old 12-23-2014, 09:28 AM
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Sweetie, you sound as addicted to him as he is to the alcohol - by addiction, meaning something that you know is very bad for you, but you still find justifications/reasons/excuses for doing it.

If alcoholics want to recover, generally abstinence plus emotional/spiritual support seems to work. In your case, abstinence = no contact. Sometimes if we walk away from a destructive relationship we'll get withdrawal symptoms which are as distressing as withdrawal from a drug; but if you want to recover, detaching from him is as important for you as rehab is for him.

It can be the most agonising thing to do, and maybe it's a step you're not ready to take - but rest assured that if you need emotional support when you let go of him and start taking care of YOU, there'll be plenty of support on here.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 12-23-2014, 11:08 AM
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what could possibly attract you to this guy???? let's see....

he lives at home, free loading, doing NOTHING, disrespects his parents, and calls his mother crazy.

nice.

he has his own puke buckets, which he allowed his MOTHER to clean up for him.

real nice.

he has absolutely NO plans, no drive, no iniative.

he phoned in SICK to a court ordered counseling appointment because he was sick and HUNGOVER.

he was drinking vodka YESTERDAY. you will actually sit there and watch TV while he hurls his guts up.

special.

don't get it. it's actually kinda.....yucky.
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Old 12-23-2014, 11:21 AM
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This....100%

He is manipulating his mom and he is manipulating you. It will be easier not to be reeled in when you don't have any contact. HIS family issues are with HIS family. You deserve more. So does his mom, but that is up to her.

Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
So do you want to take over cleaning up the puke buckets, paying for everything, and having him call you "crazy" when you get tired of doing it after a few years?

Go back to NC and step away.
This guy is headed for a really major crash and it sounds like his parents are about done.
Guess who he will be asking to rescue him next?

Surely you see this coming?
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Old 12-23-2014, 11:31 AM
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thinking enough talk about the alcoholic BF, we all have a very clear picture of life with an alkie,

this sight is for you, waggin.

What needs to happen for you to step back, focus, and take your life back?

I don't know how old you are but you sound rather young, what about your hopes, dreams, aspirations? Do you want to talk about that for a bit?
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Old 12-23-2014, 02:01 PM
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People, From what you have all said, that would have cost 150.00 at the Therapist office.

You are all right!! Not seeing what there is to love about this addict. W- listen to these wise, wise people. They know, they have been there, they have tried everything also. It doesnt work.

If you leave and he gets sober, good for you!!
If you leave and he doesnt get sober, good for you!!!

NC does work when you work it. Take your time, but if you think things will change, it won't, just more of the same stuff.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Old 12-23-2014, 07:44 PM
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I appreciate the help.
No Marie, I'm not young... unfortunately. Not old either. 35. I just wanted to be able to vent about what goes on in my life lately. And perhaps I must sound like a f***ing idiot. Ive had NO ONE to talk to bc i only moved here a year ago from the Midwest. I dont chat with my girlfriends about this bc, I guess the physical distance between us has created emotional distance as well. So I dont talk about this with them. I bounce stuff off a couple of coworkers. Im getting closer with them. They know a brief version of my issues. I just wanted people to hear me and I just wanted to feel like I'm not alone.
Anvil: He's a good person but he's messed up. And yeah it gets gross. I get it.
Yes Rosales. That analogy is a really good one. Like I said, I dont have friends here so, ive created too small a world. So I've relied on solely him as my company. Not good. Im hanging more with my coworkers lately though. So that's a start!
I appreciate the perspectives, they help me. Just could some of you keep it in mind that this isnt easy. I wish I could just walk away 100% forever. But it's taking some time for me to get there. It's as if I should just know, and now. So please ease up with the "Do it. What's the problem? NEXT!" Jesus christ.
On a positive note, I'm going to wrap gifts and watch cartoons. Yes, some 35 year old women watch cartoons.
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Old 12-23-2014, 07:45 PM
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Duplicate
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Old 12-23-2014, 10:08 PM
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Oh honey, you're not stupid. You've been duped, and so have most of the rest of us. If you hang around long enough, you'll realize that we come from all walks of life. These diseases don't discriminate. Having good breeding doesn't make anyone immune to falling for an addict. We have doctors, lawyers, nurses, social workers, college students, stay-at-home moms, unemployed men and women, and everything in between here. Some are even lucky enough to be double winners (alcoholics and have a relationship with an addict/alcoholic). There's no "type" when it comes to addiction or codependency. Really. In that respect, you're just like everyone else here. We get it. No matter what you're going through, someone here has walked in those shoes and understands where you're coming from. Don't be afraid to post here. Sometimes our feedback can seem a little blunt, but that's because we've got the collective experience to be able to know how any given situation is likely to end. We will hold your hand, but we aren't going to sugarcoat anything. In time you'll find that we are all here to help, and some things you may not understand now will start to make sense.
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