Can we fix us?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Can we fix us?
Hi to everyone, this is my very first post and I have only been following for a while.
First of all, please excuse me if my English does not always make sense to you.
I am 22, my Partner is 32 and we have known each other for 2 years, we have been together since 3/1/2014 (that's not long, I can hear you say.- long enough to love beyond belief for me.), I moved into his place at the same time and the relationship started of absolutely fantastic. We fell for each other in no time. On another note I have to say that we are going through a de-facto partner visa process, which has put a lot of financial and emotional stress on us. We are now waiting for the immigration to make a decision. My Partner (H) has a daughter with his Ex-girlfriend. They separated 9 years ago when she was born. He has since been in a Relationship with another woman, but I found out it only Ended about 3-4 months before we got together. He cheated on her, she cheated on him. Anyway, he got done for drink driving 6 months prior to me moving in and thus without a license for 6 months when we got together.- I drove him around in his car, he couldn't see his daughter as much and ruined his chances of climbing up the ladder of success within his workplace for god-knows-how-long. A lot to take in I'd say.
Okay, I hope this is enough info. I do apologise, I think this could potentially be a fairly long post.
As always in the beginning of a relationship, things were amazing. We fell head over heels for each other etc. When I first moved in, he drank 2-3 bottles of beer a night. Not a problem at all, I know plenty of people who do the same. Well, I remember waking up on the morning of 19/1/2014, he came from nightshift and had gone to bed already, walking into the living room and finding a Jack Daniels bottle (1.5ltr) with a shot-glass next to it - empty. This bottle had been sitting in the kitchen for a while - full. I was shocked. I probably have to mention that I grew up with my father dying shortly after I was born, due to his alcoholism causing severe liver cirrhosis, as well as my Stepfather being a heavy alcoholic which my mother divorced in 2004. I have seen a lot and I can tolerate less or more when it comes to alcoholism due to growing up with it. Anyway, we talked about the bottle that I found and he said that it doesn't mean anything, though if I don't want him to drink, he wouldn't. I said that I don't want to put him on a chain, nor control him in anyway, I just wanted to make him aware of me, having a hard time, trying to determine when drinking gets out of control. It just scares me. However, he decided to not drink for a week or so, until Australia Day. To prove it to himself and me suppose. He did well. Didn't touch a beer when we went to the pub for dinner etc.
And yeah, from Australia day on wards, things got bad. Real bad. He started to drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels a night. Passing out on the lounge for the first few weeks and after that he would manage to get to bed somehow. We wouldn't have sex anymore, or he would try to wake me up in the middle of the night, I would let him, but It didn't feel right due to him being extremely intoxicated and selfish. We would have to stop most of the time because it just wouldn't work. I started to feel ugly, because it wouldn't work all of a sudden. But that was my problem, I didn't tell him. Things just started to get worse. 6 months into the relationship, I found out that he had been talking to other girls, exchanging nude photos etc. he says, he never cheated and that he just didn't take the relationship serious at the time. I felt extremely betrayed and started to have serious trust issues - yet he never had any trust in me. With his drinking, he gained a serious amount of weight and went from being athletic to chubby and from chubby to kind of more than chubby. Anyway, I never nagged him, never judged him - purely because i loved him and I didn't want to lose respect or attraction from my side. I wanted to look at him the same way I did when we first got together. The sex got less and less, until we wouldn't have any for a few days in a row. Sometimes a week. Yet he used to be mad about me. He started to watch porn rather than sleeping with me. I felt hurt, but did not say anything. Probably about 4 months ago, we sat in the car and his went off, a girls name popped up on the screen, but I didn't say anything. (It was one of the girls he spoke to earlier.) what happened was, we had a fight the night before and he got drunk and messaged this girl. Nothing suspicious, just the fact that he would get drunk and message someone else. Anyway, I asked him about it and he said he can't remember why he messaged her or what he said. - ever since I felt insecure when he got drunk, which was every night.
September this year, we moved into a new house together, his mothers old place, its only a short lease and we will move out sometime next year. He quit drinking Whiskey, probably because I had asked him to, but I can't remember any of this. Anyway, he has been drinking 3-4 bottles of wine a night since we have moved. During the day he is very short-tempered, hungover and gets angry very easy. I feel like walking on egg-shells. Making sure I don't do or say anything that could upset him.
Let me try to explain this in a few words - we have only been together for almost 1 year and we have not gone to bed together in more than 10 months. I miss him so much. He used to be so caring and loving. Now hes irritable all day and grumpy most of the time. Too lazy to do anything etc. I basically sit on the other end of the couch every night, watch him get drunk and go to bed alone.- only to spend time with him. We don't communicate anymore. The 'awkward topics" can't be brought up, cause he just goes straight into defense. When it comes to the normal "how was your day talk etc" - nope. Not even that. He'll tell me something when hes drunk and tells me the same the next day again, because he can't remember that he had told me already. If I ask him for something, he won't remember cause he was drunk.
His mother noticed his weight gain, his bloodshot eyes in the mornings (when she visited us) and the sweet-sour body smell - his father was alcoholic. She called me to catch up at the beach for a coffee, I sat down and the first thing she said was "don't lie to me, please. I notice his weight-gain, his behavior and his blood-shot eyes - has H got a drinking problem?" - I couldn't lie any longer to protect him. But I couldn't say anything either, so I nodded, started crying and we both looked out to the sea, silent and crying.
That day I decided that this had to stop. I couldn't stand loosing him and I couldn't stand how it made me feel. I don't know this man. There is nothing left of what made me once fall for him as hard as I have. I thought he was going to go off his brain again, and especially for his mother knowing. But he just sat there, listened to me, telling him everything, in tears. I said I would move out until he had sorted everything out. He said he will go to the doctors and try to stop. But he did say, that he doesn't give a damn about what his mother thinks. Now - he avoids any contact with his mother. He went to the doctor and got a referral to a psychologist, didn't make an appointment though. He started hiding bottles everywhere. Under the lounge, under the sink, in an old fridge, in his bathroom, everywhere. Pretending he was only drinking beer. Until last night. -
I told him two days ago that we were having his mother and stepfather for dinner on Sunday night. I had been cooking all day until he asked me if I wanted to go on the boat with his brother and his girlfriend, I said I'd love to, but your Mum is coming soon. He lost it. Absolutely went off his head. Yelling and swearing. Why on earth would he want them to be here. Why i didn't tell him. - I told him two days ago, he just didn't remember. He didn't remember the text message I sent him. He continued swearing and go louder and louder until I lost it. - I walked into the living room, took a deep breath and started yelling back. I said that we don't have to have them, but that he doesn't need to swear. That been said, I swore myself. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME - he got up, took his car keys and left. I asked him to stay, but he left. I cried. He rang me an hour later, saying that he doesn't want to see them. I said it's okay and we can go on the boat. He was at the beach. He said he's on his way back. He called me again, 10 min later asking if i could bring his wallet down to the car, he wanted to get a softdrink. - he came back 30 min or so later, with beer. I'm okay with beer, yet I knew there was a full wine bottle under the lounge. He sat down and received a call from his brother, saying that we could go on the boat now but he'd have to work out with his mother if she was still coming for dinner. I sent her msg asking if it was okay if we could go on the boat instead, she sent us both a msg "no problem, had a big day anyway. Enjoy watching the Christmas lights.x" he didn't read the message and freaked out again.
"Everything is awkward now, I am sick of this bla bla" I just took the dogs and said I'd go to the beach. I rang him when I was in the car to ask him he wanted to go on the boat now or not, his response - "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." - and he hung up. WHAT????!!!!!!
I turned around immediately, drove home and walked outside where he was. I sat down and said " did you say you don't want to be in this relationship anymore?" - He said no. - I asked him he was sure, he said "i want to go on the boat." - i was so confused. 
we continued. "I said, look, if you rather drink, then please leave me, cause I can't give you up just like this." he then told me that he went to the beach and looked for places to live in without me. I was so shocked. But I had done the same, many times before, just to be sure. He continued "I can see that I am not making you happy, I can't stand it that I disappoint you all the time, I can see that you are not happy and neither am I. I don't like this house, I am not happy. Thats probably the reason why i am drinking so much. I should be on my own, it would be easier without you" - He said .." i always drank. I know its gotten out of control, but its not easy." I have to say that he admitted to me months before in a message in the middle of the night that he thinks that hes addicted and that he wants to get back into shape. I said " I can go to a friends place until I find somewhere to stay" - he said "no you stay, I don't like this place anyway" - and that was when I realised how close I was to losing him. I said "are we breaking up right now?" - He said "no, i can't break up with you. I love you. Ill make an appointment tomorrow and we'll see what the psychologist suggests and we'll go from there."
We hugged each other, I stopped crying, we had dinner and decided to stay home and watch a movie together. We snuggled up on the lounge together, he started to drink, the wine bottle under the lounge as well and somewhere in between he'd tell me that he loves me and if i really wanted to leave, I would have to break up with him, cause he couldn't do it."
I am so in love with this man, but today - I am work and I am extremely scared. I was so close to losing him. I sent him a message this morning, wishing him a good day and I said that we will work on everything now, starting with moving out, and that there is a lot to work for. I told him that I love him and that it." he replied " yes, i see you when you get home."
I don't know what I want from this post, has anyone been in a similar situation or can anyone here, perhaps clear this up for me? I love him, but I don't understand him anymore and I feel like after last night, we have both crossed the lines and breaking up would now be easier for both of us. What do i do?????
First of all, please excuse me if my English does not always make sense to you.
I am 22, my Partner is 32 and we have known each other for 2 years, we have been together since 3/1/2014 (that's not long, I can hear you say.- long enough to love beyond belief for me.), I moved into his place at the same time and the relationship started of absolutely fantastic. We fell for each other in no time. On another note I have to say that we are going through a de-facto partner visa process, which has put a lot of financial and emotional stress on us. We are now waiting for the immigration to make a decision. My Partner (H) has a daughter with his Ex-girlfriend. They separated 9 years ago when she was born. He has since been in a Relationship with another woman, but I found out it only Ended about 3-4 months before we got together. He cheated on her, she cheated on him. Anyway, he got done for drink driving 6 months prior to me moving in and thus without a license for 6 months when we got together.- I drove him around in his car, he couldn't see his daughter as much and ruined his chances of climbing up the ladder of success within his workplace for god-knows-how-long. A lot to take in I'd say.
Okay, I hope this is enough info. I do apologise, I think this could potentially be a fairly long post.
As always in the beginning of a relationship, things were amazing. We fell head over heels for each other etc. When I first moved in, he drank 2-3 bottles of beer a night. Not a problem at all, I know plenty of people who do the same. Well, I remember waking up on the morning of 19/1/2014, he came from nightshift and had gone to bed already, walking into the living room and finding a Jack Daniels bottle (1.5ltr) with a shot-glass next to it - empty. This bottle had been sitting in the kitchen for a while - full. I was shocked. I probably have to mention that I grew up with my father dying shortly after I was born, due to his alcoholism causing severe liver cirrhosis, as well as my Stepfather being a heavy alcoholic which my mother divorced in 2004. I have seen a lot and I can tolerate less or more when it comes to alcoholism due to growing up with it. Anyway, we talked about the bottle that I found and he said that it doesn't mean anything, though if I don't want him to drink, he wouldn't. I said that I don't want to put him on a chain, nor control him in anyway, I just wanted to make him aware of me, having a hard time, trying to determine when drinking gets out of control. It just scares me. However, he decided to not drink for a week or so, until Australia Day. To prove it to himself and me suppose. He did well. Didn't touch a beer when we went to the pub for dinner etc.
And yeah, from Australia day on wards, things got bad. Real bad. He started to drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels a night. Passing out on the lounge for the first few weeks and after that he would manage to get to bed somehow. We wouldn't have sex anymore, or he would try to wake me up in the middle of the night, I would let him, but It didn't feel right due to him being extremely intoxicated and selfish. We would have to stop most of the time because it just wouldn't work. I started to feel ugly, because it wouldn't work all of a sudden. But that was my problem, I didn't tell him. Things just started to get worse. 6 months into the relationship, I found out that he had been talking to other girls, exchanging nude photos etc. he says, he never cheated and that he just didn't take the relationship serious at the time. I felt extremely betrayed and started to have serious trust issues - yet he never had any trust in me. With his drinking, he gained a serious amount of weight and went from being athletic to chubby and from chubby to kind of more than chubby. Anyway, I never nagged him, never judged him - purely because i loved him and I didn't want to lose respect or attraction from my side. I wanted to look at him the same way I did when we first got together. The sex got less and less, until we wouldn't have any for a few days in a row. Sometimes a week. Yet he used to be mad about me. He started to watch porn rather than sleeping with me. I felt hurt, but did not say anything. Probably about 4 months ago, we sat in the car and his went off, a girls name popped up on the screen, but I didn't say anything. (It was one of the girls he spoke to earlier.) what happened was, we had a fight the night before and he got drunk and messaged this girl. Nothing suspicious, just the fact that he would get drunk and message someone else. Anyway, I asked him about it and he said he can't remember why he messaged her or what he said. - ever since I felt insecure when he got drunk, which was every night.
September this year, we moved into a new house together, his mothers old place, its only a short lease and we will move out sometime next year. He quit drinking Whiskey, probably because I had asked him to, but I can't remember any of this. Anyway, he has been drinking 3-4 bottles of wine a night since we have moved. During the day he is very short-tempered, hungover and gets angry very easy. I feel like walking on egg-shells. Making sure I don't do or say anything that could upset him.
Let me try to explain this in a few words - we have only been together for almost 1 year and we have not gone to bed together in more than 10 months. I miss him so much. He used to be so caring and loving. Now hes irritable all day and grumpy most of the time. Too lazy to do anything etc. I basically sit on the other end of the couch every night, watch him get drunk and go to bed alone.- only to spend time with him. We don't communicate anymore. The 'awkward topics" can't be brought up, cause he just goes straight into defense. When it comes to the normal "how was your day talk etc" - nope. Not even that. He'll tell me something when hes drunk and tells me the same the next day again, because he can't remember that he had told me already. If I ask him for something, he won't remember cause he was drunk.
His mother noticed his weight gain, his bloodshot eyes in the mornings (when she visited us) and the sweet-sour body smell - his father was alcoholic. She called me to catch up at the beach for a coffee, I sat down and the first thing she said was "don't lie to me, please. I notice his weight-gain, his behavior and his blood-shot eyes - has H got a drinking problem?" - I couldn't lie any longer to protect him. But I couldn't say anything either, so I nodded, started crying and we both looked out to the sea, silent and crying.
That day I decided that this had to stop. I couldn't stand loosing him and I couldn't stand how it made me feel. I don't know this man. There is nothing left of what made me once fall for him as hard as I have. I thought he was going to go off his brain again, and especially for his mother knowing. But he just sat there, listened to me, telling him everything, in tears. I said I would move out until he had sorted everything out. He said he will go to the doctors and try to stop. But he did say, that he doesn't give a damn about what his mother thinks. Now - he avoids any contact with his mother. He went to the doctor and got a referral to a psychologist, didn't make an appointment though. He started hiding bottles everywhere. Under the lounge, under the sink, in an old fridge, in his bathroom, everywhere. Pretending he was only drinking beer. Until last night. -
I told him two days ago that we were having his mother and stepfather for dinner on Sunday night. I had been cooking all day until he asked me if I wanted to go on the boat with his brother and his girlfriend, I said I'd love to, but your Mum is coming soon. He lost it. Absolutely went off his head. Yelling and swearing. Why on earth would he want them to be here. Why i didn't tell him. - I told him two days ago, he just didn't remember. He didn't remember the text message I sent him. He continued swearing and go louder and louder until I lost it. - I walked into the living room, took a deep breath and started yelling back. I said that we don't have to have them, but that he doesn't need to swear. That been said, I swore myself. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME - he got up, took his car keys and left. I asked him to stay, but he left. I cried. He rang me an hour later, saying that he doesn't want to see them. I said it's okay and we can go on the boat. He was at the beach. He said he's on his way back. He called me again, 10 min later asking if i could bring his wallet down to the car, he wanted to get a softdrink. - he came back 30 min or so later, with beer. I'm okay with beer, yet I knew there was a full wine bottle under the lounge. He sat down and received a call from his brother, saying that we could go on the boat now but he'd have to work out with his mother if she was still coming for dinner. I sent her msg asking if it was okay if we could go on the boat instead, she sent us both a msg "no problem, had a big day anyway. Enjoy watching the Christmas lights.x" he didn't read the message and freaked out again.
"Everything is awkward now, I am sick of this bla bla" I just took the dogs and said I'd go to the beach. I rang him when I was in the car to ask him he wanted to go on the boat now or not, his response - "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." - and he hung up. WHAT????!!!!!!
I turned around immediately, drove home and walked outside where he was. I sat down and said " did you say you don't want to be in this relationship anymore?" - He said no. - I asked him he was sure, he said "i want to go on the boat." - i was so confused. 
we continued. "I said, look, if you rather drink, then please leave me, cause I can't give you up just like this." he then told me that he went to the beach and looked for places to live in without me. I was so shocked. But I had done the same, many times before, just to be sure. He continued "I can see that I am not making you happy, I can't stand it that I disappoint you all the time, I can see that you are not happy and neither am I. I don't like this house, I am not happy. Thats probably the reason why i am drinking so much. I should be on my own, it would be easier without you" - He said .." i always drank. I know its gotten out of control, but its not easy." I have to say that he admitted to me months before in a message in the middle of the night that he thinks that hes addicted and that he wants to get back into shape. I said " I can go to a friends place until I find somewhere to stay" - he said "no you stay, I don't like this place anyway" - and that was when I realised how close I was to losing him. I said "are we breaking up right now?" - He said "no, i can't break up with you. I love you. Ill make an appointment tomorrow and we'll see what the psychologist suggests and we'll go from there." We hugged each other, I stopped crying, we had dinner and decided to stay home and watch a movie together. We snuggled up on the lounge together, he started to drink, the wine bottle under the lounge as well and somewhere in between he'd tell me that he loves me and if i really wanted to leave, I would have to break up with him, cause he couldn't do it."
I am so in love with this man, but today - I am work and I am extremely scared. I was so close to losing him. I sent him a message this morning, wishing him a good day and I said that we will work on everything now, starting with moving out, and that there is a lot to work for. I told him that I love him and that it." he replied " yes, i see you when you get home."
I don't know what I want from this post, has anyone been in a similar situation or can anyone here, perhaps clear this up for me? I love him, but I don't understand him anymore and I feel like after last night, we have both crossed the lines and breaking up would now be easier for both of us. What do i do?????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Maybe I should also mention that about 4 months ago, I discovered him laying bed, shaking, breathing very heavy and odd, I thought He would die. He was not able to speak.
I found later that day a bowl in the garage with a bong hidden behind it. He was smoking something called "spice" He is in a law-enforcing position ( that's perhaps one of the reasons he started to drink in the first place) and thus could only consume something that would not leave anything they could detect in a random drug test.
That was when I was truly fed up and deeply hurt. I packed my bags and booked a flight to germany for the next evening. He couldn't get up, because he was so off his head and all he could do was cry and scream to stay.
He promised he would not do it again and it would only help him to sleep after a **** day at work. - I said I can't see him do such things to him and with his daughter sleeping here sometimes. He went to the doctor, got sleeping pills, but never took them as he was too afraid of becoming addicted to them.
I flushed the stuff down the toilet and shattered the bong into a million pieces. He never did it again. I cancelled my flight the same day.
Now, about 2 months later, he said out of nothing "hey thanks for getting of this crap, I struggled the first night, like you had no idea, but I am glad I am of it."
Would a similar approach work perhaps? I don't want to threat to leave him. Not after last night. I don't want to threat anyway. But may cold turkey the way to go? Like go away for 3-4 weeks together (if work allows it) and make sure we don't touch any, and enjoy life in a different way?
I found later that day a bowl in the garage with a bong hidden behind it. He was smoking something called "spice" He is in a law-enforcing position ( that's perhaps one of the reasons he started to drink in the first place) and thus could only consume something that would not leave anything they could detect in a random drug test.
That was when I was truly fed up and deeply hurt. I packed my bags and booked a flight to germany for the next evening. He couldn't get up, because he was so off his head and all he could do was cry and scream to stay.
He promised he would not do it again and it would only help him to sleep after a **** day at work. - I said I can't see him do such things to him and with his daughter sleeping here sometimes. He went to the doctor, got sleeping pills, but never took them as he was too afraid of becoming addicted to them.
I flushed the stuff down the toilet and shattered the bong into a million pieces. He never did it again. I cancelled my flight the same day.
Now, about 2 months later, he said out of nothing "hey thanks for getting of this crap, I struggled the first night, like you had no idea, but I am glad I am of it."
Would a similar approach work perhaps? I don't want to threat to leave him. Not after last night. I don't want to threat anyway. But may cold turkey the way to go? Like go away for 3-4 weeks together (if work allows it) and make sure we don't touch any, and enjoy life in a different way?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
For whatever it's worth, from the outside, it looks like you're relationship hasn't been very loving in quite a long time. I'm not sure what your lingering feelings of love are based on, but I assume they are of the man that you met and not the man you are with now.
What I see here is that you caught him in a downward spiral in life. And what I would say to you is that if you don't want your life to go down with him, you need to make some changes. You can't make him change, stop drinking, get well. NO, vacation will not help. No, you trying to control his drinking will not help. Pouring out bottles, monitoring his intake, throwing out drugs.... None of it will help him. If he wants to drink and use, he will find a way. Not only is it not possible to control his drinking, but it is not your responsibility. No matter how much you love him. I promise. His addiction is not in your control, but you CAN control your life. You can protect yourself from living with someone in active addiction.
I hear so much unhappiness in this post, and a longing for the happiness you felt initially. Do you think it is possible to get that happiness back while he is drinking? Do you think he is capable at this point of realizing his alcohol use is out of control, and getting help? Do you think you can find happiness outside of your relationship without him? Do you think it is worth it to put yourself first and escape another loveless, sexless, unhappy, maddening year with your A ?These are deep, soul-searching questions. They are hard. They have tough conclusions.
(Also, in my experience, any sort of reasoning or arguing with someone under the influence is not worth your breath. They don't know what they are saying, probably won't remember the conversation, and aren't capable of having rational responses. Be careful with wasting your time on that.)
I'm glad to see you here, and I hope you keep posting! It gets better. You'll figure it out.
What I see here is that you caught him in a downward spiral in life. And what I would say to you is that if you don't want your life to go down with him, you need to make some changes. You can't make him change, stop drinking, get well. NO, vacation will not help. No, you trying to control his drinking will not help. Pouring out bottles, monitoring his intake, throwing out drugs.... None of it will help him. If he wants to drink and use, he will find a way. Not only is it not possible to control his drinking, but it is not your responsibility. No matter how much you love him. I promise. His addiction is not in your control, but you CAN control your life. You can protect yourself from living with someone in active addiction.
I hear so much unhappiness in this post, and a longing for the happiness you felt initially. Do you think it is possible to get that happiness back while he is drinking? Do you think he is capable at this point of realizing his alcohol use is out of control, and getting help? Do you think you can find happiness outside of your relationship without him? Do you think it is worth it to put yourself first and escape another loveless, sexless, unhappy, maddening year with your A ?These are deep, soul-searching questions. They are hard. They have tough conclusions.
(Also, in my experience, any sort of reasoning or arguing with someone under the influence is not worth your breath. They don't know what they are saying, probably won't remember the conversation, and aren't capable of having rational responses. Be careful with wasting your time on that.)
I'm glad to see you here, and I hope you keep posting! It gets better. You'll figure it out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Lots of us have been in similar situations. Based on my experience, he has probably been drinking like this for a very long time. Alcoholics are often able to exercise a modicum of control for short periods of time--my guess is that he was in one of those phases when you met him. But it is a progressive disease, and right now you are seeing what it progresses to. And this isn't as bad as it can get--it will continue to progress.
I see no indications that he is serious about quitting drinking. And permanent, total abstinence is the ONLY treatment for alcoholism.
As already explained, getting rid of the alcohol won't work, going on vacation won't work. I suggest you read around these forums about alcoholism. It is a very complicated problem, and alcoholics only quit drinking when they are really ready to do it, and want it with all their hearts. It isn't as simple as staying away from a drink. There is a mental compulsion or obsession to drink.
I'm a sober alcoholic (six years sober) and have been married to two alcoholics. I've been around alcoholism and recovery for many, many years. My best suggestion for you is to find an Al-Anon group for some face-to-face support, and start thinking about what kind of life you want for yourself. Because based on my experience, the life you are living with him right now is in all probability the best you can hope for if you stay in this relationship.
I see no indications that he is serious about quitting drinking. And permanent, total abstinence is the ONLY treatment for alcoholism.
As already explained, getting rid of the alcohol won't work, going on vacation won't work. I suggest you read around these forums about alcoholism. It is a very complicated problem, and alcoholics only quit drinking when they are really ready to do it, and want it with all their hearts. It isn't as simple as staying away from a drink. There is a mental compulsion or obsession to drink.
I'm a sober alcoholic (six years sober) and have been married to two alcoholics. I've been around alcoholism and recovery for many, many years. My best suggestion for you is to find an Al-Anon group for some face-to-face support, and start thinking about what kind of life you want for yourself. Because based on my experience, the life you are living with him right now is in all probability the best you can hope for if you stay in this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Oh honey, I know we are not supposed to give advice, but you are 22 years old and I am 100% sure that you deserve so much more than this. So, so much more.
Would you consider counselling? You can get 6 subsidised visits under Medicare (if you have your visa?). Maybe building yourself up to realise your worth will help you make some good decisions.
I can relate to so much of what you have written....and what I have learned over the years is that there is NOTHING, nothing you can do to 'make' him change. None of your suggestions are going to work. So many of us have been here, tried that!!
Take care of yourself....you sound so unhappy.
Would you consider counselling? You can get 6 subsidised visits under Medicare (if you have your visa?). Maybe building yourself up to realise your worth will help you make some good decisions.
I can relate to so much of what you have written....and what I have learned over the years is that there is NOTHING, nothing you can do to 'make' him change. None of your suggestions are going to work. So many of us have been here, tried that!!
Take care of yourself....you sound so unhappy.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
First of all, welcome. When we first reach out for help we learn something called the 3 C's. You didn't Cause this disease, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. This is not your issue to fix. So often we hang onto the dream of the "good" guy we think we had, and refuse to accept the person who is right in front of us.
You have been together since Jan 3, 2014. By Jan 19th, 2014 he has downed a bottle of Jack. He's had a DUI prior to you, you're driving him around. He has a history of cheating. He has shown you who he is from the very beginning. If your very best friend had written this post, what would you tell her? Would you be happy for her?
You are 22 yrs old. You have a very long life ahead of you. When you close your eyes, and think of the life you would have if you could have anything you want...is this it?? You deserve more. Have you thought about AlAnon? You have dealt with alcoholism in your family, it is no doubt playing a part in your choice of a partner. AlAnon would be a huge help to you in changing that pattern.
You have been together since Jan 3, 2014. By Jan 19th, 2014 he has downed a bottle of Jack. He's had a DUI prior to you, you're driving him around. He has a history of cheating. He has shown you who he is from the very beginning. If your very best friend had written this post, what would you tell her? Would you be happy for her?
You are 22 yrs old. You have a very long life ahead of you. When you close your eyes, and think of the life you would have if you could have anything you want...is this it?? You deserve more. Have you thought about AlAnon? You have dealt with alcoholism in your family, it is no doubt playing a part in your choice of a partner. AlAnon would be a huge help to you in changing that pattern.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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He charms his caretakers in well I suppose. Seems like a bit of a serial user?
I take it you want to stay in Australia? How long would you have to stay with this guy to get some sort of permanent visa? Then can you leave him or must the relationship be retained?
Or do you want to go home to Germany?
I'd look into why did you pick this one guy? What was your motivation to pick a guy 10 years older with a rash of poor relationships and behaviors? All sorts of red flags in your posts that this guy is a not a wise choice.
I take it you want to stay in Australia? How long would you have to stay with this guy to get some sort of permanent visa? Then can you leave him or must the relationship be retained?
Or do you want to go home to Germany?
I'd look into why did you pick this one guy? What was your motivation to pick a guy 10 years older with a rash of poor relationships and behaviors? All sorts of red flags in your posts that this guy is a not a wise choice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Thank you all so much for your responses. I was scared to look and thought I might be judged because of my age and all sorts of things. I will go to bed now, thinking about what I have read here. I will reply to everyone tomorrow. Thank you again!!! This really means a lot to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Also, I'm sorry for all the "missing" words. I was at work and trying to write all this in between settling properties and having my bosses asking me what I was doing, typing along there for 30 minutes. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Jenibean87 
For whatever it's worth, from the outside, it looks like you're relationship hasn't been very loving in quite a long time. I'm not sure what your lingering feelings of love are based on, but I assume they are of the man that you met and not the man you are with now.
What I see here is that you caught him in a downward spiral in life. And what I would say to you is that if you don't want your life to go down with him, you need to make some changes.
What I see here is that you caught him in a downward spiral in life. And what I would say to you is that if you don't want your life to go down with him, you need to make some changes.
You are totally right. I am trying to hold onto what we had.- hoping we can go back to what we used to be like.
This is just so hard. When I left work yesterday, I received a message from H, sending me a photo of himself, smiling with the following text attached to it: " You are looking at a good boyfriend. Can't wait to give you your Christmas present I have just bought you." Those things in particular make it so hard for me. That little bit of attention and love I get every now and then. It makes me so weak. He was lovely when I got home, excited about the present and full of energy. We walked the dogs together and went to the pub for dinner and a beer. (his idea) I never had anything against the pub, I still haven't. At least we are socialising or sharing this experience in a different way, if that makes sense. I mean as opposed to him, drinking by himself until he is drunk. Is it wrong that those little gestures and those 8 days out of 20 weeks make me think everything is going to be okay now? Perhaps our "almost break up was a little wake up call to him" or perhaps he just wants to have nice Christmas holidays. I don't know. I enjoy what we had yesterday and hopefully continue to have today and tomorrow. I'll enjoy it and take it for what it is - whether it is him changing, because he wants to or him trying to keep me around with giving me a little bit of what I need and want so bad.-
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Based on my experience, he has probably been drinking like this for a very long time. Alcoholics are often able to exercise a modicum of control for short periods of time--my guess is that he was in one of those phases when you met him. But it is a progressive disease, and right now you are seeing what it progresses to. And this isn't as bad as it can get--it will continue to progress.
I see no indications that he is serious about quitting drinking. And permanent, total abstinence is the ONLY treatment for alcoholism.
I see no indications that he is serious about quitting drinking. And permanent, total abstinence is the ONLY treatment for alcoholism.
Well, whenever we do talk about his "disease" he says that he just want's to stick to a few beers. I always - honestly - always say, that I do not have an issue with him having beer, tough my Stepfather who ended loosing EVERYTHING only drank beer. - 30odd bottles a day, but it was only beer. It is just so self-contradictory. That's what I mean, It is so hard for me personally to draw a line between when drinking becomes a problem or is just something you enjoy. Like I do for example, I enjoy having a drink when I go out with friends or for dinner etc.
I just think he has yet to realise what affect the alcohol has on his entire life and relationships. My stepfather for example he was a builder/bricklayer he honestly drank at least a carton of beer a day (he never drank spirits, wine etc) and still managed to keep his job on several construction sites for more than 35 years, until one day he decided to open up one beer earlier than usual and have it while he was at work. He lost his job immediately. Ended up being unemployed, divorced from my mother, without a home or place to go to, supported by me and my brother until it became too much of a burden for us to live with him and listen to his lies of wanting to quit. We kicked him out and he fell into a big damn hole. Started drinking spirits, went to jail, slept on the street etc. I remember his phone calls - very randomly. "I never thought I would find myself in a position like this. I think I will end this life." WHY THE F#*K DO YOU CALL YOUR STEPDAUGHTER TO TELL HER THIS? After she has been the only one trying to support you and covering up for your lies and selfish actions. You can always fall deeper. Why can't H realise that?
I need to go. So just quickly - I don't have the visa yet, so no medicare, heathinsurance whatsoever. - And yes, I have honestly said to myself many times, that I would have left him if two things were different - 1st: I would either live at home, have my friends, family and therefore the support I need to go through this or 2nd: if I had a visa, I know this sounds mean, but I would have probably left him if I would have permission to stay in this country already. This was my dream, regardless of him. I came here two years prior to being in this relationship and we only went through the visa because we both wanted to be with each other and my Sponsor fell through.
Thank you all so much!!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
There are so many red flags in your original post that it looks like a giant poppy field!
One of the problems with growing up in an alcoholic family is that we're OK with behaviour which a healthier person would have run from, the first time it happened.
I've been in the position of turning my life upside down to be with the man I loved, having failed to recognise what a serious issue his drinking was, ignoring his history of domestic violence and the fact that his behaviour towards me was steadily getting worse even before I moved in with him. But the first time he gave me the "I can't do this any more..." speech, I walked, and never looked back.
In retrospect, I think I was meant to plead and grovel and work harder to make things right. But leaving the relationship was the first wise move; the second one was to go to the first available Alanon meeting in the area. I was in a strange town where I knew hardly anyone (and even those were aquaintances I knew through him), with no job and nowhere to live. But even all that was less stressful than living with him.
But I survived! And thrived! Neither of these would have been options if I'd stayed with him - and, whatever happens, I'm sure you'll manage. At 22, you really don't want to be looking ahead at a life full of this sort of rubbish.
One of the problems with growing up in an alcoholic family is that we're OK with behaviour which a healthier person would have run from, the first time it happened.
I've been in the position of turning my life upside down to be with the man I loved, having failed to recognise what a serious issue his drinking was, ignoring his history of domestic violence and the fact that his behaviour towards me was steadily getting worse even before I moved in with him. But the first time he gave me the "I can't do this any more..." speech, I walked, and never looked back.
In retrospect, I think I was meant to plead and grovel and work harder to make things right. But leaving the relationship was the first wise move; the second one was to go to the first available Alanon meeting in the area. I was in a strange town where I knew hardly anyone (and even those were aquaintances I knew through him), with no job and nowhere to live. But even all that was less stressful than living with him.
But I survived! And thrived! Neither of these would have been options if I'd stayed with him - and, whatever happens, I'm sure you'll manage. At 22, you really don't want to be looking ahead at a life full of this sort of rubbish.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
So, the "I almost wish I could be in an accident so that it would wake him up" part?
Addicts don't work that way.
When I was married to an alcoholic, I had a cancer scare. I was a wreck waiting for the results of the biopsy, and even more of a wreck when the doctor called and wanted me to come in to discuss the results.
My coworker asked if I wanted him to go with me. My husband? Never once during the period when I was awake at night and scared did he ask how I was doing. On the day I went in to meet with the doctor, he didn't even ask me what the results were.
When I told him the biopsy was normal, his response was something along the lines of "that whole thing was just for you to draw attention to yourself."
You can't wake up an addict by harming yourself.
Addicts don't work that way.
When I was married to an alcoholic, I had a cancer scare. I was a wreck waiting for the results of the biopsy, and even more of a wreck when the doctor called and wanted me to come in to discuss the results.
My coworker asked if I wanted him to go with me. My husband? Never once during the period when I was awake at night and scared did he ask how I was doing. On the day I went in to meet with the doctor, he didn't even ask me what the results were.
When I told him the biopsy was normal, his response was something along the lines of "that whole thing was just for you to draw attention to yourself."
You can't wake up an addict by harming yourself.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He is not who you thought him to be, and likely never will be again. Have you done much research on Spice? It's very dangerous. Mix with drinking and can be lethal. I really hope you get out of that relationship. I am so sorry.
I offer you tight, tight hugs.
I offer you tight, tight hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
He downed a whole bottle of whiskey last night. I could smell it on his breath. And he kept saying how well he's doing, how he only had 3 beers. As if wouldn't notice. Walked into the laundry this morning and found the empty bottle in the cabin underneath. I don't know what to do. I wish it wasn't holidays so I could insist of him going to the psychologist straight away. This is horror.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Your posts make me terribly sad. Because they were me, 9 months ago. I also came to SR to find an answer to "fix" him. I was sure my EXABF was the love of my life, that I could not live without him.
That if he restricted his intake of alcohol to just 6 beers max per night, that things would be fine.
That if he was loving towards me once per week, that was a reason to stay with him.
That if we would try and have sex and he was unable, it was my fault for being ugly/fat and not related to how much alcohol he is drinking.
That if he got me a really nice Christmas/Birthday present it made up for all the ugly verbal abuse he hurled at me while drinking.
That it was better to walk on eggshells around him than do something to upset him.
And you know what? NONE OF THAT IS OK. Not one thing on that tiny list is acceptable.
I'm going to be blunt. If he was serious about quitting drinking and going to a psychologist, he would be trying to stop on his own right now. He would not have any alcohol in your home. He would not be drinking 3 beers a night. If he was TRULY serious about quitting drinking, he would be at least doing SOMETHING. As it is, he has not changed his behavior at all. He is only going to a psychologist because you want him to.
At this time last year, my EXABF was celebrating 2 months sobriety by getting drunk. And I believed I could not live without him, that he was my soul mate, that I'd never find anyone else. I finally found the courage to leave him. It was THE BEST DECISION I've ever made. And I know (from his children) that he is still drinking and is now verbally abusing them instead of me.
The best advice I got from SR? To RUN. RUN VERY FAR AWAY from my ex. Because no one deserves to be treated like that. But you have to reach the end of your own rope, as to how much more you can take before you can make a decision to leave.
Please be safe over the Christmas period, and unfortunately I think you will be walking on eggshells a lot during this time. Take care.
That if he restricted his intake of alcohol to just 6 beers max per night, that things would be fine.
That if he was loving towards me once per week, that was a reason to stay with him.
That if we would try and have sex and he was unable, it was my fault for being ugly/fat and not related to how much alcohol he is drinking.
That if he got me a really nice Christmas/Birthday present it made up for all the ugly verbal abuse he hurled at me while drinking.
That it was better to walk on eggshells around him than do something to upset him.
And you know what? NONE OF THAT IS OK. Not one thing on that tiny list is acceptable.
I'm going to be blunt. If he was serious about quitting drinking and going to a psychologist, he would be trying to stop on his own right now. He would not have any alcohol in your home. He would not be drinking 3 beers a night. If he was TRULY serious about quitting drinking, he would be at least doing SOMETHING. As it is, he has not changed his behavior at all. He is only going to a psychologist because you want him to.
At this time last year, my EXABF was celebrating 2 months sobriety by getting drunk. And I believed I could not live without him, that he was my soul mate, that I'd never find anyone else. I finally found the courage to leave him. It was THE BEST DECISION I've ever made. And I know (from his children) that he is still drinking and is now verbally abusing them instead of me.
The best advice I got from SR? To RUN. RUN VERY FAR AWAY from my ex. Because no one deserves to be treated like that. But you have to reach the end of your own rope, as to how much more you can take before you can make a decision to leave.
Please be safe over the Christmas period, and unfortunately I think you will be walking on eggshells a lot during this time. Take care.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
lovevsenabling, MissBeth wrote a great post. I hope you can take that and the other info you've received here to heart. As others have said, he does not sound, in any way, interested in recovery, and staying in this relationship will only bring you pain.
I frequently refer people to this thread, and I hope you find some use in it also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I frequently refer people to this thread, and I hope you find some use in it also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
lovevsenabling, MissBeth wrote a great post. I hope you can take that and the other info you've received here to heart. As others have said, he does not sound, in any way, interested in recovery, and staying in this relationship will only bring you pain.
I frequently refer people to this thread, and I hope you find some use in it also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I frequently refer people to this thread, and I hope you find some use in it also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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