Can we fix us?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Another thread that I found really useful when I first joined: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dict-mate.html
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by lovevsenabling 
Oh lord, I wish I would have run, when you told me to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Thanks guys.
I don't really know where to start.
The job I was in back when I opened this thread, I lost it, and they wouldn't take me back as long as I was staying with H. I got another job. H, still drinks, just as much as he did before. One bottle of Whiskey. I started speaking to his mum a lot, but soon realised that I was somewhat a tool for her, to stay connected with her son and also her only hope to fix her son. "Stay strong, he will return" is all I ever heard. I never left, not even for a night, as if I was addicted to him. The part where I described how terribly ugly I felt when trying to sleep with H, well now I wish he wouldn't touch me, so I wouldn't have to disrespect myself and go through the degrading act of "bending over".
In September 16, my brother was going to get married back in Germany, but I couldn't afford to go. I was shattered. H.'s mother offered to pay for my flights, as a thank you for all I had done for her son and I had to promise that I would come back.
I booked my flight and departure date was 12th August. H. got so drunk the two nights leading up to my departure that he wet the bed and vomited all over the blinds. I was so worried, thought I couldn't leave him alone. I was worried sick. Day of departure: H. brought me to the airport, a few tears and I was off, on my way to my family.
In Germany, I started talking to my brothers now wife, every bad word I said about H. or every bad action by him, was followed up with a "but he's not all bad and I love him", by me.
I was in Germany for 4 weeks. By week 4, I had returned to the person I used to be and I was not making excuses for H.'s behavior anymore. On the 12th September, the day I returned to Australia, I cried, all day. I couldn't believe I had to go back to H. I felt terrible, I cried sooo god damn hard. My brother kept saying, "you don't have to go on that plane, we send your dog over and you stay" but I kept saying that I miss THE COUNTRY, the way of life, except, I didn't want to go back to H.
Upon returning to Sydney, I was determined to sort my visa out (if there was an option) and leave H. I felt so cold. I had a nap one day and upon waking up, I suddenly realised - I had lowered my standards! I didn't know what life was like without all of this and H. So I just kept lowering my standards. Because pain causes change, but if you get used to being in a emotional violent and just plain stupid relationship, it doesn't hurt as much. My theory, anyways. I got active and promised myself I would not get sucked into this relationship again. In the meantime, I told H. we were okay and that he need not to worry. I pretended, because I wasn't in a financial position to leave him.
Fast forward; I got sucked in again. I still want to get out, but the thought of hurting him, kills me. Now, something very bad happened, and it's currently killing me to even think about. I had woken up several times during the last year, to H. either having sex with me, or touching/penetrating me otherwise, whilst I was asleep. He promised to stop and I thought if I slept with him, he'd stop. He didn't, and one morning, after waking up to him again, I felt so violated and betrayed and disgusting, I wanted to get advice from the police on what I could do. I wanted to stay anonymous. I told the Constable everything and as soon as I realised what I had just done, I asked to leave the station. I was so pressured by the police and they said "if you don't come back within an hour, I'll come to your house/work etc." I told them my name and promised to come back. In the meantime, H. family went all against me and couldn't believe what I had done. I had no one. I wen't back to the police, said I didn't want to take it any further. The police looked H. up through my name (he's a police officer) and explained to me that they would still take an ADVO out and remove his firearms.
Fast forward again: H. wasn't angry, but didn't understand either. I just cried and felt so guilty for "causing" this. I apologised, sold my camera gear and to pay for his lawyer and get myself one to lie at court and say I did this all to get "back at him". Police wants to proceed with ADVO even though I don't speak with them.
H. continued to touch/penetrate me at night, even though an AVO is in place etc. In the meantime, he pretends to be sober, whilst being absolutely rotten drunk. I don't tell him that I know he lies, too exhausting. I explain to H. that I won't lie at court because of his actions and slowly start to realise that these are only his consequences. Not mine. He begs me to lie for him. I tell him that I will only save his arse, if he goes into inpatient rehab. He promises and I explain to him that I will most likely leave him anyway.
This is so messed up and I've been suicidal throughout this process countless times, I just wish I had MY family here, to fight in my corner and someone to catch me when I fall. I just wish this was all a nightmare and I'd wake up.
And the most of all, I wish I did what you told me to.
I don't really know where to start.
The job I was in back when I opened this thread, I lost it, and they wouldn't take me back as long as I was staying with H. I got another job. H, still drinks, just as much as he did before. One bottle of Whiskey. I started speaking to his mum a lot, but soon realised that I was somewhat a tool for her, to stay connected with her son and also her only hope to fix her son. "Stay strong, he will return" is all I ever heard. I never left, not even for a night, as if I was addicted to him. The part where I described how terribly ugly I felt when trying to sleep with H, well now I wish he wouldn't touch me, so I wouldn't have to disrespect myself and go through the degrading act of "bending over".
In September 16, my brother was going to get married back in Germany, but I couldn't afford to go. I was shattered. H.'s mother offered to pay for my flights, as a thank you for all I had done for her son and I had to promise that I would come back.
I booked my flight and departure date was 12th August. H. got so drunk the two nights leading up to my departure that he wet the bed and vomited all over the blinds. I was so worried, thought I couldn't leave him alone. I was worried sick. Day of departure: H. brought me to the airport, a few tears and I was off, on my way to my family.
In Germany, I started talking to my brothers now wife, every bad word I said about H. or every bad action by him, was followed up with a "but he's not all bad and I love him", by me.
I was in Germany for 4 weeks. By week 4, I had returned to the person I used to be and I was not making excuses for H.'s behavior anymore. On the 12th September, the day I returned to Australia, I cried, all day. I couldn't believe I had to go back to H. I felt terrible, I cried sooo god damn hard. My brother kept saying, "you don't have to go on that plane, we send your dog over and you stay" but I kept saying that I miss THE COUNTRY, the way of life, except, I didn't want to go back to H.
Upon returning to Sydney, I was determined to sort my visa out (if there was an option) and leave H. I felt so cold. I had a nap one day and upon waking up, I suddenly realised - I had lowered my standards! I didn't know what life was like without all of this and H. So I just kept lowering my standards. Because pain causes change, but if you get used to being in a emotional violent and just plain stupid relationship, it doesn't hurt as much. My theory, anyways. I got active and promised myself I would not get sucked into this relationship again. In the meantime, I told H. we were okay and that he need not to worry. I pretended, because I wasn't in a financial position to leave him.
Fast forward; I got sucked in again. I still want to get out, but the thought of hurting him, kills me. Now, something very bad happened, and it's currently killing me to even think about. I had woken up several times during the last year, to H. either having sex with me, or touching/penetrating me otherwise, whilst I was asleep. He promised to stop and I thought if I slept with him, he'd stop. He didn't, and one morning, after waking up to him again, I felt so violated and betrayed and disgusting, I wanted to get advice from the police on what I could do. I wanted to stay anonymous. I told the Constable everything and as soon as I realised what I had just done, I asked to leave the station. I was so pressured by the police and they said "if you don't come back within an hour, I'll come to your house/work etc." I told them my name and promised to come back. In the meantime, H. family went all against me and couldn't believe what I had done. I had no one. I wen't back to the police, said I didn't want to take it any further. The police looked H. up through my name (he's a police officer) and explained to me that they would still take an ADVO out and remove his firearms.
Fast forward again: H. wasn't angry, but didn't understand either. I just cried and felt so guilty for "causing" this. I apologised, sold my camera gear and to pay for his lawyer and get myself one to lie at court and say I did this all to get "back at him". Police wants to proceed with ADVO even though I don't speak with them.
H. continued to touch/penetrate me at night, even though an AVO is in place etc. In the meantime, he pretends to be sober, whilst being absolutely rotten drunk. I don't tell him that I know he lies, too exhausting. I explain to H. that I won't lie at court because of his actions and slowly start to realise that these are only his consequences. Not mine. He begs me to lie for him. I tell him that I will only save his arse, if he goes into inpatient rehab. He promises and I explain to him that I will most likely leave him anyway.
This is so messed up and I've been suicidal throughout this process countless times, I just wish I had MY family here, to fight in my corner and someone to catch me when I fall. I just wish this was all a nightmare and I'd wake up.
And the most of all, I wish I did what you told me to.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sweetie, you're a victim of serious abuse, here. I work in the domestic violence area professionally, and have for many years. So many victims are also the victim of sexual violence. I totally understand what made you bail him out and think about lying for him in court. But this has to stop--you deserve to be safe.
Please call your local women's shelter or rape crisis center and talk with an advocate. Here in the U.S. we have special visas to help immigrant women who are victims remain in the country when they leave their abusers. I don't know if AU has anything similar, but it's worth finding out about.
You aren't safe there, and, as you've noticed, it is doing you great harm. Work with an advocate and with the police and prosecutors. Taking care of yourself now should be your top priority. The only person responsible for your husband's predicament is him.
Hugs, please keep posting.
Please call your local women's shelter or rape crisis center and talk with an advocate. Here in the U.S. we have special visas to help immigrant women who are victims remain in the country when they leave their abusers. I don't know if AU has anything similar, but it's worth finding out about.
You aren't safe there, and, as you've noticed, it is doing you great harm. Work with an advocate and with the police and prosecutors. Taking care of yourself now should be your top priority. The only person responsible for your husband's predicament is him.
Hugs, please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
This is so messed up and I've been suicidal throughout this process countless times, I just wish I had MY family here, to fight in my corner and someone to catch me when I fall.
Certainly all of us at SR are behind you and wishing you well, but again, as Lexie said, you are in an abusive and dangerous situation--you need more support, in the real world, in a legal sense, than what we can offer you. Please seek that help out.
There is hope, there is a way out, and there is safety.
I send you my wishes for both strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
wish I would get involved in an accident and it would wake him up.
It won't happen. I nearly died 3 times when with my exah. He carried on drinking. His son nearly died. He carried on drinking. He nearly died and he carried on drinking. Nothing stops them unless they want to stop. You are the same age as one of my daughters. I'd want her to come home and find an Alanon to help work things out if it was her. You are worth so much more than this life. ((hugs))
It won't happen. I nearly died 3 times when with my exah. He carried on drinking. His son nearly died. He carried on drinking. He nearly died and he carried on drinking. Nothing stops them unless they want to stop. You are the same age as one of my daughters. I'd want her to come home and find an Alanon to help work things out if it was her. You are worth so much more than this life. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Is it possible that since your family can’t come to you that you go to your family? Seems those 4 weeks a few years ago away from him helped you see/think more clearly. Could your family help with the costs and provide you a place to stay for a while?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so, so sorry, Lovevsenabling, for what you've been through.
AXH's sexual abuse started out that way, too, and I didn't even realize why I felt so degraded and hurt, betrayed.... I went to a counselor to learn how to communicate with AXH, because I thought that if I just found the right words, the right way to say it, he'd realize how much he hurt me and would stop. The counselor referred me to the local rape crisis group when I told her about our life.
You haven't used the word; I didn't use the word for a long, long time. And, really, it's OK if you're not ready to. Please know, though, that what he did was not OK. Please know that you have every right to feel violated by what he's done. You had every right to go to the constable. The following book helped me start processing what AXH did: Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners by Patricia Easteal and Louise McOrmond-Pummer.
I'd like to second Lexie's suggestion to contact a local DV and/or rape crisis line. They won't pressure you to do anything, but will help you figure out your options. I love Atalose's suggestion, too. Is there any chance you can go back to see family for a "vacation" at least? Once you're there, you'd have space to think and research and plan.
Sending gentle hugs, if OK, Lovevsenabling.
AXH's sexual abuse started out that way, too, and I didn't even realize why I felt so degraded and hurt, betrayed.... I went to a counselor to learn how to communicate with AXH, because I thought that if I just found the right words, the right way to say it, he'd realize how much he hurt me and would stop. The counselor referred me to the local rape crisis group when I told her about our life.
You haven't used the word; I didn't use the word for a long, long time. And, really, it's OK if you're not ready to. Please know, though, that what he did was not OK. Please know that you have every right to feel violated by what he's done. You had every right to go to the constable. The following book helped me start processing what AXH did: Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners by Patricia Easteal and Louise McOrmond-Pummer.
I'd like to second Lexie's suggestion to contact a local DV and/or rape crisis line. They won't pressure you to do anything, but will help you figure out your options. I love Atalose's suggestion, too. Is there any chance you can go back to see family for a "vacation" at least? Once you're there, you'd have space to think and research and plan.
Sending gentle hugs, if OK, Lovevsenabling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 15
Sorry for the delayed replies. I don't know why I never answer. Maybe because I'm too wussy to admit everything to myself or because everything always seems so easy to do for everyone on the outside.
I'm feeling **** lately. I don't want to return to Germany, it was my dream to stay here and I don't want it to end because of this. It shouldn't have to end. But I'm too scared. I'm too scared to talk to the police and I'm too scared that the government will say that what happened isn't bad enough for me to leave and if I notify them, they will kick me out of the country.
I have been speaking to the crown solicitor, who's handling the matter on behalf of the police as they can't act on my behalf because of a conflict of interest, and i just said to her that I can't attend any court dates by free will, but if she subpoenas me to court that I will speak the truth. I'm scared. I'm scared they will kick me out because it wasn't bad enough to endure. So much uncertainty.
I've been such a mess lately. I've been having nightmares again, like i did as a child. Really bad. I can only go back to sleep if I take H's arm hug myself with it. I feel like there's so much wrong with me. I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday. I'm hoping she can help me. I hope she can help me cure the fear of being alone at night. I've never been alone. I can't sleep in an empty house. I'm just such a mess. I never have been able to sleep when no one is near me. I don't know why. I'm always scared.
I have a new plan and people supporting me to start again in a new town 7 hrs away from H, where I can start again. But I'm too scared of being alone at night. I know this sounds ridiculous.
When I was writing my last reply, unbeknownst to me, I had suffered 3 strokes. I suffered all of them on the 21st January this year. I didn't notice until a week later after my entire right side was almost paralysed. I've been going to rehab and I've had a great recovery, I can be independent again. H has been supporting me. Well, he was there for me in hospital. He still drinks and he won't quit. I just know it. I told him in hospital that he needed to quit, that I need him right now and that he can't spend everything on Booze. He promised and said he hadn't been drinking. All lies.
I'm no permanent resident and no eligible for any government benefits while being unable to work and my employer is leaving me in Limbo of whether or not he wants be back at work. Such a massive setback.
the stroke made me realise that i don't want to live like this anymore and I've tried to be kind to myself, to say "just because you leave him, he's not a bad man, he's just not right for you" but since focussing on moving to another town, I've been guilt filled and up to my eyeballs with anxiety about being alone in a house.
I feel so stupid. Again, for everyone reading it must sound easy - it would be a great option for me to move in with a flat mate, so I don't have to be alone at night, but I don't want to share my home with someone. I like being alone. I'm just terrified of things that don't exist and all the made up things in my head of what might happen to me that night. And don't get me wrong, I'm not scared of being "alone/not in a relationship" I LOVE being on my own. I don't need anyone. But I need someone to help me sleep at night. To make me feel safe.
I'm really at my wits end. I started talking disrespectful to myself. Just earlier, H asked me to bend over for him and I kept saying to myself " yeah, go on Fran, just another degrading quickie" I'm ready for the success my heart wants. My own business that I worked so hard for, even though I gave it all up to protect the man who did all this to me.
And right now I'm embarrassed for writing this here. I should be talking to a professional. But eventually, my therapist will get as angry at me for always saying "I'll leave, I'll go home etc" and never doing anything about it as my family has. I just feel so alone in this situation. I'm a mess.
Thanks for reading, I love reading all your replies and kind words. Hopefully one day, one of your prayers will reach me and I find what I need to leave this situation.
I'm feeling **** lately. I don't want to return to Germany, it was my dream to stay here and I don't want it to end because of this. It shouldn't have to end. But I'm too scared. I'm too scared to talk to the police and I'm too scared that the government will say that what happened isn't bad enough for me to leave and if I notify them, they will kick me out of the country.
I have been speaking to the crown solicitor, who's handling the matter on behalf of the police as they can't act on my behalf because of a conflict of interest, and i just said to her that I can't attend any court dates by free will, but if she subpoenas me to court that I will speak the truth. I'm scared. I'm scared they will kick me out because it wasn't bad enough to endure. So much uncertainty.
I've been such a mess lately. I've been having nightmares again, like i did as a child. Really bad. I can only go back to sleep if I take H's arm hug myself with it. I feel like there's so much wrong with me. I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday. I'm hoping she can help me. I hope she can help me cure the fear of being alone at night. I've never been alone. I can't sleep in an empty house. I'm just such a mess. I never have been able to sleep when no one is near me. I don't know why. I'm always scared.
I have a new plan and people supporting me to start again in a new town 7 hrs away from H, where I can start again. But I'm too scared of being alone at night. I know this sounds ridiculous.
When I was writing my last reply, unbeknownst to me, I had suffered 3 strokes. I suffered all of them on the 21st January this year. I didn't notice until a week later after my entire right side was almost paralysed. I've been going to rehab and I've had a great recovery, I can be independent again. H has been supporting me. Well, he was there for me in hospital. He still drinks and he won't quit. I just know it. I told him in hospital that he needed to quit, that I need him right now and that he can't spend everything on Booze. He promised and said he hadn't been drinking. All lies.
I'm no permanent resident and no eligible for any government benefits while being unable to work and my employer is leaving me in Limbo of whether or not he wants be back at work. Such a massive setback.
the stroke made me realise that i don't want to live like this anymore and I've tried to be kind to myself, to say "just because you leave him, he's not a bad man, he's just not right for you" but since focussing on moving to another town, I've been guilt filled and up to my eyeballs with anxiety about being alone in a house.
I feel so stupid. Again, for everyone reading it must sound easy - it would be a great option for me to move in with a flat mate, so I don't have to be alone at night, but I don't want to share my home with someone. I like being alone. I'm just terrified of things that don't exist and all the made up things in my head of what might happen to me that night. And don't get me wrong, I'm not scared of being "alone/not in a relationship" I LOVE being on my own. I don't need anyone. But I need someone to help me sleep at night. To make me feel safe.
I'm really at my wits end. I started talking disrespectful to myself. Just earlier, H asked me to bend over for him and I kept saying to myself " yeah, go on Fran, just another degrading quickie" I'm ready for the success my heart wants. My own business that I worked so hard for, even though I gave it all up to protect the man who did all this to me.
And right now I'm embarrassed for writing this here. I should be talking to a professional. But eventually, my therapist will get as angry at me for always saying "I'll leave, I'll go home etc" and never doing anything about it as my family has. I just feel so alone in this situation. I'm a mess.
Thanks for reading, I love reading all your replies and kind words. Hopefully one day, one of your prayers will reach me and I find what I need to leave this situation.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Honey, how do you feel safe sleeping with him when he molests you when you are asleep?
Please. Get help. Get out. This is really, really messed up and none of it is your fault. Please. There's alcoholism and there's sexual enslavement and they aren't the same thing. Many, many alcoholics don't abuse anyone but themselves. Your guy is very, very sick.
You don't have to live like this.
Please. Get help. Get out. This is really, really messed up and none of it is your fault. Please. There's alcoholism and there's sexual enslavement and they aren't the same thing. Many, many alcoholics don't abuse anyone but themselves. Your guy is very, very sick.
You don't have to live like this.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You have a dog, right? Sleep with the dog. A dog will truly love you and keep you safe.
He IS a bad guy. He's a rapist. Staying with him doesn't change repeated rape into a loving respectful relationship. The next time he tells you to bend over (WTH????) tell him to take matters into his own hands.
I send you strength and clarity. Only more pain leads down this road.
He IS a bad guy. He's a rapist. Staying with him doesn't change repeated rape into a loving respectful relationship. The next time he tells you to bend over (WTH????) tell him to take matters into his own hands.
I send you strength and clarity. Only more pain leads down this road.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you called a domestic violence advocate? They should know about any immigration issues as they relate to victims. As I think I mentioned previously, in the U.S. there is a special visa for victims of DV, specifically to protect their right to remain in the country if they leave the abuser. Ask. Advocates are there to help YOU, not the government or police or immigration authorities.
And yes, dogs. A watchdog that will bond closely with you, or even a therapy dog, could help you feel safer in your own home. You could also invest in a home security system that will automatically call the police, and a medical-alert system could have medical help there for you fast if you feel unwell.
Staying with the abuser is NOT a safety plan.
And yes, dogs. A watchdog that will bond closely with you, or even a therapy dog, could help you feel safer in your own home. You could also invest in a home security system that will automatically call the police, and a medical-alert system could have medical help there for you fast if you feel unwell.
Staying with the abuser is NOT a safety plan.
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