FlippedRHalo

My friend sent me a text yesterday night to tell me she saw my ex getting food at the same place she was at and that he looked awful and miserable. I responded to her by saying that while it makes me feel bad for him, he made his choice and it's easier for me not to hear anything about him and to please refrain from sending me messages about him. She apologized, but I so didn't need to hear that.

Then, I received this from him today:

"I want you to know that I saw my doctor on Friday and I was prescribed an antidepressant to help me get over you and what we had and I'm also going to be going to a therapist and possibly getting medicine to hopefully curb my urges. I'm sorry it didn't happen when we were together but I thank you for the support you once gave me."

I didn't respond, but God does it hurt. Instantly I felt so bad for him, but also angry. I BEGGED and PLEADED for him to seek help for 2 years. 2 DARN YEARS so that we wouldn't have to break up. Now? Now you're going to seek help? And send me a letter to let me know this (text blocked)?? Why bother telling me all of this now?? Part of my heart is breaking for him and another part of it is so angry. I feel like he's torturing me, whether he means to or not. I had a great weekend with my cousins celebrating the pre-holidays and although I'm still ok, I'm fighting with all I have not to respond to him because it makes me sad and I so badly want to help him and have him know that I support him getting help, but.... is it even believable? He's lied to me sooooo many times. So, so, so many. He'd always say he knew he needed help and he'd get it when things got rough between us. He also told me once that he'd never stop drinking. It's such a confusing mess to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Do they realize how badly they hurt the people that care about them? Do they care? Jeez.

I feel like the cruelest person on earth for not reaching out to him, but I can't. It hasn't done a thing for him to have me by his side supporting him for as long as I did. I also feel cruel for moving on with my life without him -- this didn't just happen out of the blue, it happened because I reached my bottom with our relationship and just couldn't take the pain of it all anymore.

Sadly, I don't think he's anywhere near getting help. I don't know what he's doing or saying this for, but I can't believe him. He's so emotionally cut off when he wants to be, so I never thought I'd hear anything like this from him, it certainly took me a bit by surprise. It was easier to think he just didn't care and was doing fine, enjoying the life of drinking that seemed all important to him.

Please talk me off the ledge - do I say nothing? Do I tell him that I wish him the best? I do, but I don't trust myself yet to see or talk to him.

AnvilheadII

when in doubt............don't!

you don't HAVE to respond.

I was prescribed an antidepressant to help me get over you and what we had

wow, guilt trip much?

I'm also going to be going to a therapist and possibly getting medicine to hopefully curb my urges

i'm going to be going....meaning I have not done so yet, but I have a plan that I might follow thru with.

possibly......hopefully...........haven't yet.

sometimes hon, us getting out of the way is the best thing.....for everyone. when its time for the paths to go their own way, but we cling to THEIR path, we become an obstacle.....

marie1960

Say nothing sweets.......

He is baiting you and saying what you want to here. Maybe he did get an antidepressant maybe he didn't. All meaningless words, and he may get something to "curb his urges", he may not, but his words got your attention didn't they?

You are not cruel, you are allowing an adult man the dignity to address his own needs. Nothing you can say or do will have any change on the outcome of this situation.

This is HIS addiction, and HIS to own. And it's HIS recovery.

ACTIONS, not WORDS.

More will be revealed, hold tight, guessing when you don't respond, you will become the biggest witch/bitch/ selfish woman that ever walked the earth.

We are with you here, you're not alone, talk all you want, we are listening.

Impurrfect

Sorry, but he's pulling on your heart strings, it's totally manipulation on his part. I've been on both sides of addiction, and I get it.

My suggestion, based on my own ES&H, is don't respond. You already don't trust what he says, am doubting that he's anywhere near hitting bottom and doing something about it.

I would also suggest blocking him and telling friends you don't want to hear updates about him. Yes, it's incredibly hard, but he can (and will) string you along as long as he can if you let him.

I would wish him the best, but I wouldn't call him or text him to tell him that. I've done it with 3 XABFs because I didn't trust myself to talk to them. We can send good thoughts/prayers someone's way without putting myself into the line of fire.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

amy55

Pure BS manipulation. Guess the last one on 12/12 didn't work. OK, so he is going to take anti depressants....... well, they don't work when you are drinking. He's going to go to a therapist and see about additional medication to curb his urges.......... Therapists don't prescribe meds.

Trying to curb his urges.............. He didn't say he was going to quit drinking.

So play this in your mind to the end. You call him or text him, then what? A repeat of him turning things around and blaming you for breaking up with him?

More manipulation and guilt?????

Did he say anything about that he is sorry that he hurt you and he understands the drinking was the cause of anything?

I didn't see that anywhere, and I am usually pretty good now with reading between the lies, (oh, typo error, I meant lines, but lies does seem more fitting)

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

FlippedRHalo

Dear God I don't know how I'd have made it this far without the support from all of you. You're all absolutely right. 100% and once it's written out to see like that, it's so much easier to accept and put it where it belongs.

No, no apology for how much these past few years have hurt anyone except him, no word on him quitting drinking, etc... So easy to read between the lies once those that aren't in the moment can help point it out to you.

I hope that all of you know that you're such a wonderful source of strength and comfort to those that are really struggling. I felt horrible guilt when I wrote this post, and now, it's quite clear what he's doing.

In my heart, I do hope he's being honest and I do hope he gets help...In my heart, I wish him the best and all the strength he needs. Unfortunately, knowing him as I do, it's doubtful that anything is really happening or going to happen. It's football Sunday, his favorite drinking day, so for all I know, he's drunk.

I will pray for him tonight, that's all I can do at this point. I've accepted weeks ago that it's out of my hands and that I have no power to help, cure or heal him.

Hangnbyathread

And this isn't gender specific.

This is alcoholism.

We can flip our stories around to match our EX AC's. With the exception of maybe I saw mine better then you did yours. And detached more completely.

Don't get sucked back in, please.

Hammer

Ever see this movie?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

FlippedRHalo

I won't torture myself like that again, no worries there. The fear of growing up with my alcoholic parents is enough to push me to not allow it for my daughter.

It's just guilt that I struggle with, however, I'm working through that knowing that there isn't a thing that I could have done, or that I can do for him, except stay out of his way and keep out of the line of fire. The hurt that I've felt, well, I don't ever want to feel it or that way again and sadly, I know that if I were to go back, I'd eventually land right there all over again.

Hammer, I haven't, but with my newly found spare time, I'll certainly look into it.

LexieCat

No contact also means throwing letters away, unread. What good is blocking his texts and emais if he can get through your boundaries with a letter?

Stop giving him forums to mess with your head.

amy55

Hi Halo,

I think one of the biggest things that I had to deal with was the guilt. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom also drank, but I would not say alcoholic.

Perhaps I am doing too much of looking at myself today, and this might not pertain to you, but I felt helpless when I was growing up. I knew you were supposed to love your parents. I did. I didn't like the fact that I could not bring my friends over to my house, I didn't like it that I was my dad's favorite, and that my mom spent more time with my siblings to make up for the love they weren't getting from their dad. I didn't like it that my dad abused me......

I felt so much guilt about everything, and there was nothing I could do about it. They were my parents.

Now I got into a relationship that I thought I could be OK in. I wasn't. So I tried to change him. After all, aren't we on equal footing right now? He's not my parent, he is my husband. Shouldn't we be able to work things out?

He wanted to abuse me, I didn't like it. He wanted to go out and drink, come home late or not at all. I didn't like it. I felt guilty after hearing all of the manipulation and bs that it was all my fault. I grew up with guilt. I didn't know much other then that. So, I kept giving in and giving in, till I couldn't anymore. It was like the well just ran dry. I had nothing left to give to him or to give to me............

I want better for you. You deserve better, and so do I.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

LexieCat

Sorry if the reply above sounded abrupt, I was on a plane (iPad typing is too laborious).

What I meant to say is that you wouldn't be feeling so upset right now if you hadn't read the letter from him. That's really part of the point of no contact. A couple of people around here use the quote, "No contact equals no new hurts."

Once you get past the initial discomfort, knowing NOTHING about what is going on with him can give you a lot of peace. You handled the unwanted "intelligence" from your friend pretty well, but you sort of went to pieces once you read his letter. Stop. Just STOP accepting communications from him. None of it is anything you need to know. And he is trying to manipulate--you can see that, right?

shil2587

IF the letter is genuine (and if I were in your shoes I would probably be clinging onto the hope that it was) then what would be the outcome if you responded?

A) He MIGHT successfully achieve a period of sobriety which would then leave you on eggshells that if he could do it with your support then you'd better be careful what you do and say to not spoil it. Result=anxiety.
B) He continues drinking. Leaving you wondering if your return to his side might have stopped him from trying so hard. Result=anxiety and guilt.

Neither result is good.

If you don't respond and you detach from him, if he stops drinking you'll know he means it for himself and you can decide what to do then. Result=peace of mind. If he carries on drinking, you'll know you are protecting yourself and your little one and you'll know in yourself his drinking is not a reflection on you. Result=peace of mind.

We're here for you. I know it's hard when you break up with someone those feelings can be overwhelming. Keep posting. ((((((Hugs)))))))

FeelingGreat

He doesn't need to update you on every little urge. He's your EX.

BTW, finally something's happening (if it translates to action) because now there are real consequences, not crying pleading and arguing. You acted, and there's a faint possibility he's now acting.

I'll guarantee that will evaporate if you get sucked back in.

suncatcher

Halo, I can relate to your post in so many ways. I have a bleeding heart for my axbf. I do not feel a romantic attachment but I do feel the emotional attachment. I have remained his friend and support person. Currently I am helping him recover from surgery he had for diverticulitis. He has a temporary colostomy and catheter. It's been exhausting and I have to take time for myself when I need to. But I do feel bad for him. He still drinks and he knows his health will continue to deteriorate. I know many would say I shouldn't be helping him or that my codie is back in full force and maybe that's true. I just feel like he's my friend and I would help him like I would any other friend of mine that was in need. But I also know the manipulation side. You have to do what is best for you. Maybe you have helped him more by staying away. Maybe he would regress back if you were to respond. Give him a year to work on himself and you do the same. Then see what happens. I don't know what I would do...I would probably respond and wish him well but that would probably backfire

FlippedRHalo

Well, after finding out what he's been up to before sending me the little sob story, my heart no longer bleeds for him. He's a broken, sick mess of a person and truthfully, at this point, as much as I want to feel hatred toward him, I don't. What I feel is pity. A lot of pity. His existence is a sad one and one that I don't see changing anytime soon. I hope it does, but I've seen too much to believe it at this point. He was given every opportunity and tool to find a better way to live his life. My family attempted to help him, I supported him 110%, my true friends didn't like the situation, but they were also as supportive as possible...and in the end.... he self destructed under the weight of his own lies, deceit and alcoholism.

When I was naive enough to believe that all of his actions and behaviors were due to alcoholism, I felt bad and I held a tremendous amount of guilt. Now, I'm beginning to think that aside from the alcohol, he's just not a very decent person. I think the two years we were together was an act. I think he tried to be someone he wasn't and self imploded. He wasn't changing things because he wanted to be a better person, he was changing to fit in with my lifestyle and friends. In the end, he couldn't handle being a good person and within weeks of our breakup, he's fallen back into the same hole that I stupidly dragged him out of.

I have no more faith in him. None. Zero. I truly hope that he's somehow able to turn his life around, but it's going to take a lot more than just recovery from alcohol.

suncatcher

Halo, I completely understand. I'm already feeling aggravated with myself for trying to help my xabf. In addition to his surgery he also has metal popping out of his ankle from another surgery. He's been told to quit smoking to aide in the healing process but won't quit. He drinks more than he eats. He's a mess too. I can't keep trying to help someone that refuses to help himself. It drains my energy too much!

FlippedRHalo

When I was first ready to leave mine, I came home from class to find him doubled over and ready to drive himself to the ER. Of course I wasn't going to let him drive in that condition, so I took him. It was also diverticulitis and the physician in the ER explained to him that if he didn't follow the proper treatment plan, he could very well end up with a colostomy bag. His intestines were so inflamed and infected.

He didn't drink (as far as I know) for the two weeks he was on the antibiotics, but went right back to it once he finished them. He's scheduled for a colonoscopy in January. Mind you, he's not even 30 yet. How sad is that?

To make matters worse his liver enzymes are elevated, his blood pressure is at hypertensive levels, he's vitamin deficient and.... he just keeps drinking.

At that point, I didn't have a lot more sympathy to give and it was a few weeks after that I decided it was time to go our separate ways. If I wanted another child, I would have made the decision to have another. A fiance acting like a child wasn't what I'd signed up for.

I was finished watching him destroy himself and doing nothing proactive to promote health instead of the disease process. Between that and constantly driving beyond drunk, I don't see a happy ending. I'll continue to pray that he straightens his life out, but I wouldn't go back for love nor money.

I did the friend thing for a few months after we initially broke up a while back, but I ended up going back to him and in the end, all that did was prolong the inevitable. In a way I'm happy we got back together, because whatever I thought was so magical about him back then certainly melted away after living with him for a while!

I wish you the best -- it's hard to come to terms with not being able to help someone you love, but, we can't. It's completely up to them. It's up to us to take care of ourselves and not get dragged under along with them. It seems most alcoholics that I know don't like to go down alone, they always seem to attempt to drag someone with them.

thequest

Key word- "ex". You'll catch a cold trying to leave the door open to???

suncatcher

Yep the magical thing certainly has evaporated for me too! I just feel pity now. I have let him drag me down with him for the last five years. The best thing I did was move an hour away 2 years ago. It is sad your xabf is only 30! Mine is 49 but looks a lot older. I wish you all the best too, stay strong!