The grinch who almost stole Christmas
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I have let go of the holidays this year. All my children are adults (youngest is 20) and have their own lives and focus...and I am exhausted. I just let it go and apparently there is a lunch today (I wasn't told but heard over the phone--hubby with a child) and oldest daughter told me what she wants on Christmas day with her son...and so it is fine...I will do those things.
Trying to set firmer boundaries about being the one who always goes along and is often out of the communication loop--I honestly don't know if it will work or if I will just continue to be the 'bad cop' parent. I am not in a situation to leave...but have had a lot of time lately to think about ways to just pray for the ability to think about outside activities that will help me not isolate and to stop blaming myself for everything...it is not logical.
Christmas and Thanksgiving are just the hardest...and I feel very powerless during these times...as my mother held on to this situation and has never given it up...I didn't set boundaries until things changed between us...and as I am working on letting my kids empty nest with love and understanding...I have a lot of feelings and worries underneath that I know I have to work on.
This is the first time in my life (starting in February of 2013) when I realized (it is still sinking in and I am getting it more and more every day) that I need to figure out how to make things work for me...and I feel trapped between expectations of adult children and things with husband...so still working in therapy and asking my HP to help me with this latest thing of knowledge. I am working to stay calm...and to stay calm in the midst of feeling trapped. I also have had my therapist confirm for me that it is very likely the whole family blames me for everything...and I know I have to continue working on not allowing the scapegoating...without explaining, talking, or whatever.
It is overwhelming.
Trying to set firmer boundaries about being the one who always goes along and is often out of the communication loop--I honestly don't know if it will work or if I will just continue to be the 'bad cop' parent. I am not in a situation to leave...but have had a lot of time lately to think about ways to just pray for the ability to think about outside activities that will help me not isolate and to stop blaming myself for everything...it is not logical.
Christmas and Thanksgiving are just the hardest...and I feel very powerless during these times...as my mother held on to this situation and has never given it up...I didn't set boundaries until things changed between us...and as I am working on letting my kids empty nest with love and understanding...I have a lot of feelings and worries underneath that I know I have to work on.
This is the first time in my life (starting in February of 2013) when I realized (it is still sinking in and I am getting it more and more every day) that I need to figure out how to make things work for me...and I feel trapped between expectations of adult children and things with husband...so still working in therapy and asking my HP to help me with this latest thing of knowledge. I am working to stay calm...and to stay calm in the midst of feeling trapped. I also have had my therapist confirm for me that it is very likely the whole family blames me for everything...and I know I have to continue working on not allowing the scapegoating...without explaining, talking, or whatever.
It is overwhelming.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy, Reading all your posts I was kind of down also. I think I have decided to not stress over the crxp that I have been stressing out about.
There is a lot of people a lot worse then us. Be thankful for the blessings that we have and try and enjoy the season!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
There is a lot of people a lot worse then us. Be thankful for the blessings that we have and try and enjoy the season!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Amy,
This is just an observation since you asked about boundaries you can set.
It sounds like you are trying to control others here. You tell your sister not to give her guests gifts, you tell your daughter not to make something for others, you are already concerned about how your nieces and nephews MIGHT FEEL NEXT YEAR based on potential gift giving by others. You write that you are not future tripping because this is your family. Worrying about other people's feelings a year from now IS future tripping. They might feel bad, they might feel good, they might feel obligated, they might not. Their feelings (A YEAR FROM NOW!) are 100% their business and for them to sort out.
You write that you want to set boundaries. Since boundaries are for US NOT THEM, then maybe set some boundaries for yourself rather than them. Examples might be: I will not bring any gifts to this party or I won't buy things I cannot afford or I will not give gifts expecting to get gifts in return.
You mention that you are worried what other people will think about you if you do not give gifts. Well, what other people think of me is none of my business, ya know? Trying to control what other's think of you is trying to control them. Buying gifts for others when it is financially damaging to you is buying stuff you cannot truly afford, which is very bad for you. Maybe you start with that boundary?
Whatever you decide, you might want to look at the theme of control and how to put the focus back on yourself.
Good Luck
This is just an observation since you asked about boundaries you can set.
It sounds like you are trying to control others here. You tell your sister not to give her guests gifts, you tell your daughter not to make something for others, you are already concerned about how your nieces and nephews MIGHT FEEL NEXT YEAR based on potential gift giving by others. You write that you are not future tripping because this is your family. Worrying about other people's feelings a year from now IS future tripping. They might feel bad, they might feel good, they might feel obligated, they might not. Their feelings (A YEAR FROM NOW!) are 100% their business and for them to sort out.
You write that you want to set boundaries. Since boundaries are for US NOT THEM, then maybe set some boundaries for yourself rather than them. Examples might be: I will not bring any gifts to this party or I won't buy things I cannot afford or I will not give gifts expecting to get gifts in return.
You mention that you are worried what other people will think about you if you do not give gifts. Well, what other people think of me is none of my business, ya know? Trying to control what other's think of you is trying to control them. Buying gifts for others when it is financially damaging to you is buying stuff you cannot truly afford, which is very bad for you. Maybe you start with that boundary?
Whatever you decide, you might want to look at the theme of control and how to put the focus back on yourself.
Good Luck
I guess I never looked at it like I was trying to control things, but I am. I have hated Christmas ever since I felt pressured into doing things that I didn't want to do. I have my own views of what Christmas should be, but I need to respect that others have their own views and opinions.
I did sit here for about 2 hours contemplating this. Guess I am still thinking about it. I never wanted Christmas presents. I think that I got like that when my ex use to buy me things when the I'm sorry's didn't work. Presents didn't feel like love, they felt like manipulation.
It's taking me a long time to write this because I am also using this time to examine myself.
So if presents seemed like manipulation to me, then I can see why I would feel resentful in giving and receiving them.
I was trying to analyze why my sister always loved to receive presents, and why my daughter gives presents and then complains to me about no one reciprocating. But, I stopped. It doesn't matter. It's their issue just like this one is my issue.
Boundaries, I have a really hard time setting these. I guess to me, I feel like a boundary should be spoken, but it doesn't have to be. In this situation speaking of a boundary is like trying to take control.
Then I thought of my sister again. I remember the past. She was the one that started this with all of the gift giving because she did want gifts. I was basing that on past experience, and not what I know about her now. I'm going to change my thinking about her. She is truly happy that the family is now having Christmas together after all the years that we didn't, and I think she has the right idea. A Christmas ornament for family to remember the Christmases that we spent together.
Perhaps maybe I am jealous that she found the perfect gift for our family ?
Need to look into that some more also. -------------
I hate to admit this, but I was the one who mentioned small gifts for the toddlers. We didn't do that last year !!!!!!! So I did control and manipulate that. I also tried to set a spending limit on it. I really didn't realize that was me trying to control things. I could have very easily just picked up something in my price range that I could afford, without saying anything. I didn't buy them gifts last year, and that was OK. I did this year because I wanted to.
I'm still thinking some more about this, because this is an issue of mine, that I didn't even know I had.
I am eternally grateful for having it pointed out to me.
I really was a "grinch".
I am also so happy I started this thread, because something was really nagging at me and I didn't know what it was. This really did help me to examine things in my own life.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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