I dont know what to do!

Old 12-20-2014, 02:37 AM
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I dont know what to do!

My partner of 7 years constantly chooses to drink over anything else in the world! I'm broken hearted and I don't know what to do! He left a few hours ago saying he would be home tonight and when I text him asking if I should be expecting him home, his response was - "Not, drinking." I told him he made his choice. He said I made mine and that I could have come with him! My children are exhausted because he had friends over til late last night drinking and I was hoping he would go for a while and then come home without drinking! He knew doing this would kill me inside and he just doesn't care. Obviously it's not the first time that I'm left at home with the kids bawling my eyes out & hurting while he's out having a great time drinking! What do I do?
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Old 12-20-2014, 04:43 AM
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Hi Shazzy and welcome to SR.

First things first, you can't do anything about whether someone chooses to drink. I'm assuming your partner is an alcoholic. His choice will always be to drink. Its not personal. It feels personal, it feels that he just doesn't care, it feels that it doesn't bother him that you are crying your eyes out. That is kind of true and not. Alcoholism drives a life "My partner chooses to drink over anything else in the world" is the definition of being one. While he may wish that you weren't so upset he cannot stop. He will always choose alcohol over you, your children, friends, family, jobs, or anything else that a person who is not alcoholic would put first. You did not cause this, you can't control it and you cannot cure it. The 3 c's that you need to learn.

What to do - First you need to put your children's needs above the needs of the alcoholic. Children who are raised in alcoholic homes suffer terribly. The alcoholic does not have to be abusive for that to happen. What happens is the entire household centers around the alcoholic and their needs - such as your children are exhausted today instead of getting a good night's sleep because the A's friends and drinking were priority last night.

What you need to do is work on you and your kids and not focus on your partner. I'm not telling you to break it off, I'm saying that you need a priority shift. You need to learn about codependency and enabling and how it is the foundation for most alcoholics to function. Start by reading here about codependency. I also suggest (strongly) that you start attending Al-Anon.

"He's out having a great time and I am left at home bawling my eyes out". I am sorry you are hurting. Alcoholism is not fun. Addiction is a horrific way to live. If you could crawl inside his mind you may be surprised to find out that he isn't having much fun at all - rather is chasing the bear. Addicts are always trying to get back to a place where they were pre-addiction, and drinking was social and really was fun. Once it crosses the line it is a miserable job. As you are not one you will say to yourself "well he should just quit"!, but he can't. He could choose to seek recovery from his alcoholism but he is not in that mind frame. Alcoholism is a disease of denial which perpetuates it.

I hope you stay on here and post often we are here to help Lots of (((hugs))) sorry you are going through this but there are things you can do for yourself and your kids that will make life much better.
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Old 12-20-2014, 05:16 AM
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Hello,& welcome,

Red ATL set a great intro for you Shazzy. My preferred book is Codepenedent No More by Melody Beattie.
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Old 12-20-2014, 05:18 AM
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Shazzy......By coming here, you have made a good step, already....

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Old 12-20-2014, 12:20 PM
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Hi, and welcome.

redatlanta could not have put it any better. I am an alcoholic (six years sober) and yeah, it pretty much feels like a full-time job being an actively drinking alcoholic. I've also been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I understand very well the stress you are under. I was fortunate enough not to have young children in my home during those times, but it complicates things tremendously. And it's miserable even if it's just you that you're responsible for.

You don't have to make any decisions (permanent, long-term ones) right now, but red is right about needing to shift priorities. I really strongly suggest you check out Al-Anon, which is a support group for families of alcoholics. It was a lifeline for me when I was at my most desperate. You can learn there how to get your head clear so you can make good decisions that are in the best interest of you and your kiddos.
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Old 12-21-2014, 02:57 AM
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I hope you are feeling better and stronger today. X

Now, about those priorities. Perhaps it would be worth seeing the free time alone with your children your partner gifts you with in his drinking sprees as a good thing. Right now, your children are probably even more upset and confused with than you because the people they depend on. for everything, well, one is drunk and unavailable and the other is depressed and unavailable. They need you and the time alone with you as the healthier adult.

So, how about sitting down with them and making a list of fun activities that you can do with them when hubby is out drinking? Things like baking, finger paints, watching favourite movies, going for a bike ride, playing games, paying in the garden, going to the park etc. Helping you get through the difficult times and giving them positive memories with their mother.

That could be a simple way of helping the change of priorities. X
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Old 12-21-2014, 03:22 AM
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Shazzy, it's awful finally working out what your A's priorities really are. As a recovered A I can tell you it's a miserable life, because all your self-esteem is gone. You know you're doing the wrong thing, and you hate yourself, but you can't stop. I'm not saying feel sorry for him though. He's making his choices instead of seeking treatment.

Try to move the focus away from him and on to how you are going to get through this with the children. Find your inner strength. Take no sh*t. Make your plans - they may or may not involve him. You have the right to a quiet house where the children can sleep undisturbed. You and they have the right to be free from abuse. There's no point at all in arguing with him when he's drinking - it goes nowhere and upsets the kids. You don't have to do anything to make his life easier either.

Have a lovely Christmas, away from him if necessary, but you don't need to decide now.
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Old 12-21-2014, 08:27 AM
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the 3 C's

you cant control it
you didnt cause it
and there is no cure...

Melody Beatties CODEPENDANT NO MORE is an awesome read

read!read!read! and learn .....
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