Butterfly

As you all know I have spent months asking why, how, when and so many other questions relating to my stxah and his alcoholism and I havent spent any time focusing on me, how I feel what I want. Instead I have been stuck in the cycle of focusing on him how he is how he feels what he wants and trying against all hope to convince him to seek help and not throw away 18 years together.

Its been 6 weeks since I last spoke to him and my thoughts have become clearer but I also find myself feeling very tearful and crying throughout the day. I am no longer focusing on him how he feels and wants or on fixing him I have began to focus on myself and how i feel. when I find myself asking questions about him I refocus and turn the question around so its about me. I am trying so hard to think about how his drinking made me feel, what it did to us and our kids and how i felt about certain situations that I have buried for so long, its hard and its hurtful.

I think I have reached apoint where i think I am grieving the loss of my marriage the hopes and dreams we had the loss of the person I knew he was deep down but he wasnt strong enought to fight his addiction or maybe who I wanted him to be? I am trying to look deep within myself and figure out why I stayed for so long why i compromised so much just so he wouldnt leave me why I tried to make sure he was ok and happy forgetting all about myself. I am trying to look at my own controlling behaviour how I tried to control his drinking and why I did that, probably because I was scared he would leave and all my fears would become true, I dont really know Im still trying to figure it all out. Am I truly grieving for the first time or am I still holding onto a toxic marraige? I will be honest I do love him but I am learning to love from a distance.

Christmas is a difficult time for us all and this being the first christmas I am finding it particularly difficult, christmas day was always a lovely day he didnt drink, last christmas he gave me an eternity ring and told me it was a symbol to show he would be with me forever and if I am honest his false promises and lies have hurt me particularly how he has treated me throughout our separation and not having the dececency to speak to me face to face, my friend says he is a coward? I am trying to deal with the hurt with this also.

Its strange how so much changes within a year, last year he was my best friend and the love of my life and now he is a complete stranger.

thank you for reading

maia1234

Butterfly, I am sorry that you are feeling this way, you are not alone. I have been feeling the same way. I woke up this morning and was feeling blue also. I reread all "my" forums of "what alcoholics say" I try to think as an A. This one hit home this am so I will share it, as I am sure you have read it. We have to let them be so they can truly come "back" to us healthy. We can't take them back unhealthy, been there, done that to many times!! ((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))


If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Butterfly

Yes I have read that one it hit home to me also. I have to let him go and focus on myself and like you I have taken him back so many times before after I agreed to let him keep drinking or followed by more false promises which may have been true at the time but he was never able to follow through, I knew he couldnt but I lived in false hope.

Hugs to you also maia (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

hopeful4

Oh Butterfly, my heart hurts for you. I think you are very self aware and that it's completely normal to hurt and grieve when you lose your marriage.

I am sending you lots of love and big tight hugs my friend.

XXX

SparkleKitty

Butterfly I know it feels right now like everything is crazy and confusing chaos, but it sounds like you are exactly where you should be on your path. Change is incredibly hard, but I can tell from your writing that your eyes are open despite all the tears, all the questions, and all the new ideas you are accommodating into your perspective. Your willingness to ask questions even though the answers might be frightening will serve you well. I think you're doing great, and you inspire me.

maia1234

B-I also keep thinking just because I am divorced doesn't mean that I have to stop loving him. I do love him and always will. That's ok. I just can't live with him and take care of him anymore. I have posted a few more of my favorites that I read daily...

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.

An addict life is sad and dark. It's nothing personal against you....although it effects you!

Physical suffering doesn't motivate or scare an alcoholic. Mental suffering does.

Recovering alcoholic here. I can say that every relationship I was in I definitely loved the woman I was with. I hated me. I definitely knew what I put them through, but didn’t want to feel it, so I’d get drunk. I felt guilt over everything, so I drank to try and forget it. at one time, I knew just about everything that came out of my mouth was a lie, but there came a time when I didn’t care anymore and I was the only one who believed anything I said and didn’t care if nobody believed me. I actually BELIEVED a lot of it.

As an alcoholic in sobriety I can tell you that Yes, I do love and always did. The problem when I was drinking/drugging was that I was so caught up in my disease that even though it seemed that I did not love, I didn't love myself and tried to turn all those close to me away. It seemed to be the only way I couldn't hurt them if I made them turn against me.

dandylion

Butterfly.....I think you have been grieving, in degrees, all along. Very normal, of course.
I do think that since you have now been able to maintain 6wks (YAY) of no contact...you finally are able to devote some thoughts to yourself....as well as to fully grieve.
As you already know, by now, grieving is a mixture of many kinds of emotions that also wax and wane over time. You aren't finished, of course...but, I think you are well on your way.

I know you have read "Cp-dependent No More". You have also been able to share with us about your traumatic childhood....and, you are so wisely seeing a therapist.
I may have recommended the book "The Saber-toothed Tiger" to you (I can't remember).
If not---I found this book tremendously helpful in understanding how these early experiences carry right into our current intimate relationships. It is a short book and easy to read---so, it should be a breeze for you!! LOL! LOL!

Sure, Christmas is a particularly tough holiday for all of us who have have heaviness in our hearts. Sigh. I know you have been making plans to get through it in one piece and make it as good as possible for your children. Still, I know it will be a challenge, this year.
Butterfly...if you need to take "crying breaks" during the day (Christmas)....do so. Whatever it takes!!
Crying is ok. It helps to remove the stress from your body. I am the National Spokesperson for Crying Therapy.

Butterfly...you have traveled over 500 miles of rocky road this year (by foot). Yeah, you have a few m ore miles to go...but...I don't think you will appreciate just how far you have come until you view it through the retrospectoscope of more time and space.

Again, I am going to retreat to my back garden and do another dance of celebration and inspiration for you.....

dandylion

Butterfly

thank you hopeful and Sparklekitty, i feel as though I live in a constant state of confusion up until a few weeks ago it was about him now its about me. I am beginning to accept that although I love him our marriage was not good, he drank i was anxious and tried to control his drinking and for him he couldnt be who he was or wanted to be and always felt that he wasnt good enough Oh I dont know just feeling overwhelmed and struggle to think clearly at times

Butterfly

thank you Maia and Danylion, I love your dances lol sometimes I dont know If i am moving forward or staying stuck!! I will take time out on Christmas day if I need to cry and he has told the kids that he will collect them onChristmas day to take them to see his dad so I dont have to see him, which although I am relieved about I am also sad about. I know its in my best interest that I dont see him but it hurts that he doesnt want any contact with me or see me, makes me feel that I have done something wrong. The saber tooth tiger is the next book on my lsit to read!!

I never understood about drinking to block everything out, when i had a drink, which was rarely and I havent drank in about 6/7 months I became more depressed and more focused on things so i struggled to understand how drinking for an A can block out all the guilt and depression, maybe its just different for me or maybe my AH just drank to the point where he couldnt think about anything.

Thank you Maia for sharing your thoughts.

hopeful4

Butterfly, I think there are big differences between avoiding people b/c of the person or because of your own reaction. It is likely he is avoiding you b/c he feels guilt, and that makes HIM uncomfortable. That is just my thought.

Please don't blame yourself as you have done everything you could, you have nothing to worry that you have done wrong.

XXX

Butterfly

thank you hopeful, i dont honestly believe I could have done anything more for him except maybe chain him to a chair and dew his mouth closed but i think he would still have found a way to drink!!

hopeful4

LOL, I know just what you mean! When I left my marriage I at least knew I had done every single thing possible. More importantly, later on, I realized I had done a lot more damage to myself than I should have by my codie ways. O well! I cannot change the past, but I am in charge of my own future!

XXX

maia1234

Butterfly you need to let him soar on his own. We can not love them sober or they would be sober by now. It's so hard to love someone so much.

You are loved by him as I am loved by my X they just can't show it.

Give them over to God, that's all we can do. Hugs.

Hawkeye13

I'm just sending you hugs Butterfly.

You really have walked 500 rough miles this year,
but I think if you look up at the right time of day you might see some
shining mountains in the distance which will lift you out of this long valley.

You can do it. You are doing it.

Butterfly

Thank you hopeful, Maia and hawkeye.

Maia I don't believe he loves me, I don't know if he even knows how he feels and I suppose it doesn't matter how he feels it's his actions that are important.

Hopeful I'm realising myself the damage I've done to me with my codie behaviour and I am learning that i. Can't control anything only myself and I have to let him take his own path and let him fall and hope and pray that he finds a way out.

Hawkeye I'm looking for those mountains

Butterfly

Dandylion I think your right I have grieved in degrees but I never allowed myself to focus on the loss for too long and always very quickly turned my focus back onto him which wasn't healthy but it meant I didn't have to look within me, now I am and it's scary but I know I need to keep going.

maia1234

Butterfly, you don't spend 18 years with someone and not love them. The issue is, is that we make them choose wife or alcohol. They can't choose us because they can't "live" with out alcohol, but they "can" possibly live without us. I do believe they love us.

But its ok to love from a distance and let him do what he needs to do. Mine too.... Its hard to start thinking about ourselves, first time in our lives to do that. Not easy as you look at the abuse that you have taken over the years. That's what becomes hard to swallow. One day at a time, just like an A.
((((((hugs for a great weekend with your kids)))))))))

Butterfly

Maia maybe he did love me maybe he still does but one thing I have learned is that love isn't enough to save a marriage especially one with addiction involved. I use to believe that love was enough to get us through anything, the hopeless romantic in me but it isn't it wasn't and it never will be.

I do love him but I will love him from a distance for my own sanity and let him take his journey himself just as I must do.

((((((((Hugs)))))))

maia1234

B- you are right. Love can not cure alcoholism. But we can say that we know what true love was like. (back then) A lot of people will never understand true love, WE did, we experienced it!!

I had a terrible week at work with my raging boss, so I left early yesterday and cried my 1/2 hour drive home. You would think after 34 years with a raging angry A that it would be out of my life now. The crying made me feel better, but you have to wake up and keep surviving. I have decided it is time to make another change in my life....

divorce, house sold, bought town home and now I am going to look for another job. When will my life finally calm down, if ever??? Just keep moving forward, I guess.

Its almost Christmas, lets try and enjoy the holidays!!

maia1234

B- you are right. Love can not cure alcoholism. But we can say that we know what true love was. (back then) A lot of people will never understand true love, WE did, we experienced it!!

I had a terrible week at work with my raging boss, so I left early yesterday and cried my 1/2 hour drive home. You would think after 34 years with a raging angry A that it would be out of my life now. The crying made me feel better, but you have to wake up and keep surviving. I have decided it is time to make another change in my life....

divorce, house sold, bought town home and now I am going to look for another job. When will my life finally calm down, if ever??? Just keep moving forward, I guess.

Its almost Christmas, lets try and enjoy the holidays!!