New to here and al-anon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1
New to here and al-anon
I have been with an alcoholic for the past 5 years. I've been through a lot with him and I've been ignoring all of the red flags.
After going on vacation with a friend of mine and spending time with non-alcoholics, it was very eye-opening how weird my life is. I don't go anywhere with him because I fear he will make a scene. I stay at work way longer than I should so go don't have to be around him while he's drinking. I've really withdrawn in our relationship because I don't even enjoy him touching me anymore. It was weird watching couples interact with each other who could kick back, have a beer and a good time.
As soon as I got home I found an al-anon meeting to go to. I had it all planned out in my mind what I was going to say but as it came to my turn I just broke down in tears. I realized I had never said anything about his alcoholism out loud to anybody but him. I told them about the shame I felt and how I hide it from everyone. I just couldn't stop crying.
I really think the meetings will help but my question is, what is the main objective of attending? Is it to give me the strength to leave him? Is it to teach me how to tolerate him? There may be no point other than to give an ear to listen. Just wondering what you guys have taken away from it.
Thanks!
After going on vacation with a friend of mine and spending time with non-alcoholics, it was very eye-opening how weird my life is. I don't go anywhere with him because I fear he will make a scene. I stay at work way longer than I should so go don't have to be around him while he's drinking. I've really withdrawn in our relationship because I don't even enjoy him touching me anymore. It was weird watching couples interact with each other who could kick back, have a beer and a good time.
As soon as I got home I found an al-anon meeting to go to. I had it all planned out in my mind what I was going to say but as it came to my turn I just broke down in tears. I realized I had never said anything about his alcoholism out loud to anybody but him. I told them about the shame I felt and how I hide it from everyone. I just couldn't stop crying.
I really think the meetings will help but my question is, what is the main objective of attending? Is it to give me the strength to leave him? Is it to teach me how to tolerate him? There may be no point other than to give an ear to listen. Just wondering what you guys have taken away from it.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi peanut, and I'm glad you found us -- welcome!
I'm glad you found Al-Anon too. The combination of this forum and Al-Anon (and later therapy) was really good for me while I was married to an alcoholic and after I left him.
For me, the meetings were like a place of peace in a life that was otherwise chaotic and confusing. I could go in there and cry (I did that a lot), be angry, laugh, say horrible things, and nobody would judge. Nobody would say "wow, poor you" or "man, that's weird" -- because everyone there knew what I was talking about. Young, old, male, female, gay, straight, black, white, it was incredibly relieving to me to see other people, all different, who got it. Who understood.
I came there looking for a way to make my husband stop drinking. You've already figured out that's not what Al-Anon does. For me, it helped me learn about alcoholism -- how it affected my ex and how it affected me -- and the meetings and program really helped me grow in strength and independence. It helped me get out of that feeling of "itshimandmeandweareoneunit" and get to "he is is own person; I am my own person -- he is making decisions independently of me -- and I can make decisions independently of him."
I would say a majority of my Al-Anon group were women who hadn't left their husbands. They talked about how they handled the daily stresses and what coping strategies they used. I never felt pressured to either stay or leave -- I felt empowered and became more and more convinced that I was capable of making that decision for myself.
So that was Al-Anon in relation to my alcoholic ex. But over time, the program has given me a lot more. It's taught me how to handle emotions better, how to be more honest -- with myself and others -- and how to be healthy by myself and in relationships.
So that's my story. I'm sure you'll get many others. But please, keep hanging out here. It's like a hospital for friends and family of alcoholics here.
I'm glad you found Al-Anon too. The combination of this forum and Al-Anon (and later therapy) was really good for me while I was married to an alcoholic and after I left him.
For me, the meetings were like a place of peace in a life that was otherwise chaotic and confusing. I could go in there and cry (I did that a lot), be angry, laugh, say horrible things, and nobody would judge. Nobody would say "wow, poor you" or "man, that's weird" -- because everyone there knew what I was talking about. Young, old, male, female, gay, straight, black, white, it was incredibly relieving to me to see other people, all different, who got it. Who understood.
I came there looking for a way to make my husband stop drinking. You've already figured out that's not what Al-Anon does. For me, it helped me learn about alcoholism -- how it affected my ex and how it affected me -- and the meetings and program really helped me grow in strength and independence. It helped me get out of that feeling of "itshimandmeandweareoneunit" and get to "he is is own person; I am my own person -- he is making decisions independently of me -- and I can make decisions independently of him."
I would say a majority of my Al-Anon group were women who hadn't left their husbands. They talked about how they handled the daily stresses and what coping strategies they used. I never felt pressured to either stay or leave -- I felt empowered and became more and more convinced that I was capable of making that decision for myself.
So that was Al-Anon in relation to my alcoholic ex. But over time, the program has given me a lot more. It's taught me how to handle emotions better, how to be more honest -- with myself and others -- and how to be healthy by myself and in relationships.
So that's my story. I'm sure you'll get many others. But please, keep hanging out here. It's like a hospital for friends and family of alcoholics here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, peanut, and welcome to SR! I've only got a minute but wanted to post a couple of links that you might find helpful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
It took me a while to really understand what Alanon does, too, but like they say, "keep coming back"--you'll get it in time!
If you haven't already, try to spend some time reading the stickies here, too. They can be educational and inspirational.
Wishing you strength and clarity!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
It took me a while to really understand what Alanon does, too, but like they say, "keep coming back"--you'll get it in time!
If you haven't already, try to spend some time reading the stickies here, too. They can be educational and inspirational.
Wishing you strength and clarity!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome Pnut!
In Al Anon I learned that stuffing my emotions, feelings, needs and wants wasn't really the best way to life my life. I also saw a counselor and hang out here at SR to really work on a lot of big mindset changes about my outlook and a new way to living. At this point I have not left my H, who is sober currently.
I hope you find a good balance of opportunity to work things out for yourself!
In Al Anon I learned that stuffing my emotions, feelings, needs and wants wasn't really the best way to life my life. I also saw a counselor and hang out here at SR to really work on a lot of big mindset changes about my outlook and a new way to living. At this point I have not left my H, who is sober currently.
I hope you find a good balance of opportunity to work things out for yourself!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Al-Anon for me has been about figuring out who I am separate from my alcoholic mother and my dysfunctional family of origin. I've learned how to take care of myself, set boundaries for my peace of mind and well being, and how to communicate better with everyone I come into contact with. I've also learned how to say "No". It sounds so silly, but many of us here are(were) blue-ribbon people pleasers and couldn't tell someone "no" if our lives depended on it. Gaining the strength to pick and choose where and when I want to engage in activities or discussions has been huge for me. I don't put up with things that go against my nature or cause me to compromise my values just to make people happy anymore. I call the shots in my own life now, independent of AM or my codependent and enabling family.
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