Control
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I saw in Alanon that focusing on the alcoholic was a way of avoiding my fears, insecurity, low self-esteem and other problems. Yea, codependents -- at least this one -- are super controlling. Recovery teaches humility.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Seren 
Triggered, that's the key. Some of us on 'this side' of the equation are triggered, it seems to me, like an alcoholic or an addict would be around their DOC.
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We all have the right to be "wrong".
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We all have the right to be "wrong".
It has been my mental health anthem several times in past years. I wish I could save the world, but it takes me a very long time to save myself. Living by grace, still.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I saw in Alanon that focusing on the alcoholic was a way of avoiding my fears, insecurity, low self-esteem and other problems. Yea, codependents -- at least this one -- are super controlling. Recovery teaches humility.
SR is actually good practice for me in that regard. I try to keep my posting and shares within the realm of my personal experience rather than giving advice or trying to fix things for others.
My all time favorite Alanon saying is "Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror." It changed my entire mindset and has allowed me to fix myself instead of constantly focusing on others.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Whenever I get triggered by something on these forums, I have to reflect on myself because it is more about me than the other person. Even when I think I know best and genuinely try to help someone else out, I have to accept that this other person may not respond to my help, and that is okay. If I get triggered by this other person being unwilling to receive my genuine assistance, then this is about me thinking I know what is best for others (which would be my ego).
Furthermore, if do not like a thread or how someone is responding, it is my responsibility to either walk away from the thread or not engage further to that person's post. I do not necessarily need to tell the thread that I am detaching, as this could come across as arrogant and righteous (like a partner who makes a big deal about how HE OR SHE left their partner, and that the other person did not leave him or her).
Furthermore, if do not like a thread or how someone is responding, it is my responsibility to either walk away from the thread or not engage further to that person's post. I do not necessarily need to tell the thread that I am detaching, as this could come across as arrogant and righteous (like a partner who makes a big deal about how HE OR SHE left their partner, and that the other person did not leave him or her).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by happybeingme
.......I refuse to give up my cape. It looks good on me.
But you can hand the Lasso of Truth on over to me--I think that would be very useful!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
One of the biggest gifts of recovery is learning how to let go of resentments, which feel like poison in my gut. Whenever I'm upset I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?" Do I have expectations about what someone should or should not do? Am I judging someone? In terms of xrabf, it came down to: I picked him! And, I stayed in a relationship with someone who treated me disrespectfully. So if I want to stop feeling lousy I must change something in myself. I can't think my way out of a negative feeling, I must take an action.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
A fellow Alanoner once announced to me, quite aggressively, "We're ALL control freaks!"; I didn't respond at all - she's entitled to her opinion - but my first thought was "Not much faith in the program then?"
For me, letting God have all that fearful responsibility was one of the kindest things I've ever done for myself.
For me, letting God have all that fearful responsibility was one of the kindest things I've ever done for myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Originally Posted by iluv31purses
How does one get beyond the feeling of helplessness when married to an alcoholic in denial?
In fact we're all helpless when it comes to changing another person, period. It's not just a feeling, it's a matter of fact.
However, we do have the power to focus on ourselves - as per Alanon's 'Let it begin with me'. Life is much more manageable when a drinking alcoholic isn't at the centre of it!
Olyandstreak
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Ahhhhh. It's nice to breathe again. Actually probably for the first time since age ten! I don't have to make the world bend to me. I don't have to put on airs, I don't have to stop anyone from doing anything, I don't have to have my IMAGE be something it's not just to please someone (s). What? I can just be me? With my alc Ex. gone, sad as heck, but now I can dedicate time to fixing the insanity of my codependent and crazy brained life. I can let it go. Tell me though, when does true surrender/powerlessness happen? Duh! I know it's different for everyone, but I did step ONE four times, with and without my sponsor, and hell, it's not sinking into the soul, head yes, but heart is blocking it. What's the deal? Why do I hold on? And it's geared towards him only, really. The rest of the world I've released from my clutches, lol,,, but him... he's still rolling round in the head, and it's making me angry I cannot let it go. I guess maybe because I love him. I don't know. Ugh. Step one sucks!! I hear it's the most difficult. Surrender. Let it go. Let HP do his/her job. Ok. Just breathe, and it will happen when i least expect it, i hope. Thanks for listening. I'm all ears to ESH.
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