Should I give up on him?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 2
Should I give up on him?
I've only been dating my boyfriend for 3 months but it's been a very intense and quickly escalating relationship. From our very first date something felt different and we fell in love hard and fast. He was honest about his anxiety issues and troubles with drinking in the past but he really seemed to be on the road to recovery and I was so into him I let myself believe he was. I started noticing some signs pretty soon, like the rest of the wine bottle would be gone when I woke up. He would deny it at first then finally apologize and explain that he just needed a little to help him sleep. Though I recognized this was wrong, I thought that since he was doing so much better than he was a few months ago that this too would pass.
Lately though, he's been falling back onto his old habits and drinking half bottles of whiskey alone, even in the middle of the day. The next day he promises he's going to stop because he knows he's going to lose me but then he does it again and again. He's explained to me that he's trying, and that drinking is the only thing that can calm his overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks.
I really do believe him, he's an amazing and kind person who is just troubled. But at what point do I accept that I can't fix this and that he's not ready for this relationship? I paid for him to go to therapy this morning, even though I don't have much money, because I really felt it would help. Later that day he showed up at my house and "took a bath." He then passed out in my bed and I knew he was wasted and found a mostly drank bottle of vodka in his bag. He drank it in the bathroom while I studied in my bed, after I paid for him to go to therapy.
I know he doesn't want to be doing these things. And he's so sorry the next day, I believe it's an illness and not a choice. And I'm very worried about how bad it will get if I leave him. But I am a busy dental student and all of this during finals has been so hard and made me question if I should be sacrificing my happiness to help him, even though I do believe he deserves and needs it. He does have loving and supporting parents who are very aware of his issues, though they think he's currently doing much better than he is. I don't know if I should clue them in on what's going on or not.
Also, I grew up with an alcoholic mother so this all feels like deja vu, the lying and hiding of bottles and the endless promises I know deep down cant be kept. So what do I do? Do I stay and stick this out with him and hope that the therapy and meds will work? Or do I let go, knowing that his problems will almost certainly spiral out of control causing him to maybe lose his job or worse, get hurt? I feel responsible for him and I just don't know what to do.
Lately though, he's been falling back onto his old habits and drinking half bottles of whiskey alone, even in the middle of the day. The next day he promises he's going to stop because he knows he's going to lose me but then he does it again and again. He's explained to me that he's trying, and that drinking is the only thing that can calm his overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks.
I really do believe him, he's an amazing and kind person who is just troubled. But at what point do I accept that I can't fix this and that he's not ready for this relationship? I paid for him to go to therapy this morning, even though I don't have much money, because I really felt it would help. Later that day he showed up at my house and "took a bath." He then passed out in my bed and I knew he was wasted and found a mostly drank bottle of vodka in his bag. He drank it in the bathroom while I studied in my bed, after I paid for him to go to therapy.
I know he doesn't want to be doing these things. And he's so sorry the next day, I believe it's an illness and not a choice. And I'm very worried about how bad it will get if I leave him. But I am a busy dental student and all of this during finals has been so hard and made me question if I should be sacrificing my happiness to help him, even though I do believe he deserves and needs it. He does have loving and supporting parents who are very aware of his issues, though they think he's currently doing much better than he is. I don't know if I should clue them in on what's going on or not.
Also, I grew up with an alcoholic mother so this all feels like deja vu, the lying and hiding of bottles and the endless promises I know deep down cant be kept. So what do I do? Do I stay and stick this out with him and hope that the therapy and meds will work? Or do I let go, knowing that his problems will almost certainly spiral out of control causing him to maybe lose his job or worse, get hurt? I feel responsible for him and I just don't know what to do.
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Do I stay and stick this out with him and hope that the therapy and meds will work? Or do I let go, knowing that his problems will almost certainly spiral out of control causing him to maybe lose his job or worse, get hurt? I feel responsible for him and I just don't know what to do.
Ask yourself -- is this the life you want? The same life you had with your mother, being given promises that are never kept? And if that's what you want -- why do you think you're not worth a relationship with an equal, who treats you like an equal?
There are many, many people on this board who have the same history you do -- who are adult children of alcoholics. Many of them have as adults found themselves in relationships with people that are addicts. Many of them have gotten help figuring out why that is through Al-Anon or ACOA.
My advice would be to take a step back from this relationship and figure yourself out. Most people wouldn't hesitate to run from a relationship they had invested only three months in when they found the person they were dating was an addict. What make you hesitate to run? I think that's the question I would want answered...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I feel responsible for him and I just don't know what to do.
What is gained by sacrificing your happiness and your studies (and thus your future) to "help" this guy who takes your money for therapy and then gets wasted a few hours later?
He has to help himself and he clearly is not ready. You put it perfectly:
the lying and hiding of bottles and the endless promises I know deep down cant be kept.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 2
I know you're both right. And as painful as it is knowing that, I appreciate your advice enormously. yet somehow I can't get over these feelings of guilt and abandonment. I keep thinking if it's this hard for me I can't imagine how hard all of this is for him. And because I love him I don't want him to have to go through it alone and possibly not get better because I know he wants to.
I also know that these are Classic signs of an adult child of an alcoholic family. And I know I'd tell a friend of mine with this problem to leave immediately. And yet I still don't want to let go, not only because I know he needs me
But also because Im so scared of how alone I'll feel.
Thanks for reading, just needed to rant
I also know that these are Classic signs of an adult child of an alcoholic family. And I know I'd tell a friend of mine with this problem to leave immediately. And yet I still don't want to let go, not only because I know he needs me
But also because Im so scared of how alone I'll feel.
Thanks for reading, just needed to rant
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I really do believe him, he's an amazing and kind person who is just troubled.
I paid for him to go to therapy this morning, even though I don't have much money, because I really felt it would help.
You are setting yourself up for "martyrdom". I hope you'll reconsider but chances are you won't. Good luck to you, you'll need it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by mjk3938 
And because I love him I don't want him to have to go through it alone and possibly not get better because I know he wants to.
I don't doubt that he has panic and anxiety. I had it CONSTANTLY at the end of my drinking, but it was actually withdrawals on a daily basis. Once I quit drinking, no more panic/anxiety. And he's not "just troubled." His alcoholism is his primary problem. Until he gets sober, no treatment for his anxiety will be effective.
You're right that it is an illness, and he doesn't have any choice but to drink. HOWEVER, he can choose to do the hard work that goes with getting sober and staying that way. Lots of alcoholics have made that choice (including me). It really isn't a question of whether he's ready for a relationship, it's whether he's ready to get sober, and it sounds like he isn't, at this point. This could go on for years or decades, with his disease steadily progressing. Trust me, that's something you DON'T want to sign on for.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
mjk: I would also take a look at your own abandonment issues (you stated that feeling alone is one of the reasons you won't let him go). No doubt those originate from your childhood.
Maybe you could explore that with a therapist at get at the root of it. It would be good to do it when you are young.
I am old and am just now addressing that issue (even though I have known I have had abandonment issues for a long time, I couldn't recall the traumas that created the issue until recently - it is very healing to get at the root of these feelings that drive the destructive behaviors).
Maybe you could explore that with a therapist at get at the root of it. It would be good to do it when you are young.
I am old and am just now addressing that issue (even though I have known I have had abandonment issues for a long time, I couldn't recall the traumas that created the issue until recently - it is very healing to get at the root of these feelings that drive the destructive behaviors).
12stepwife
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Moreno Valley ca
Posts: 13
My husband had been sober for 5 years when I met him. About 4 months into the relationship he started drinking again. I didn't know it at first. Then I thought I could save him. It's now 4 years later. I married him. Nothing has gotten better. I don't know why I married him knowing all this except I loved him. 4 DUI' s, 3 rehabs and thousands of dollars later he's in another rehab and facing jail time. Not to mention all the emotional roller coasters, hurt, resentments and continued financial problems. Although I love him if I had it to do over I would not put myself through it. Unless he gets into a program it will only get worse and even if he gets in a program there's no guarantee. My RAH will be coming home next weekend after 75 days and although I'm hopeful, I'm skeptical and scared too. I know this decision is a struggle but it's easier to walk away after 3 months than it will be later.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by mjk3938
I paid for him to go to therapy this morning, even though I don't have much money, because I really felt it would help. Later that day he showed up at my house and "took a bath." He then passed out in my bed and I knew he was wasted and found a mostly drank bottle of vodka in his bag. He drank it in the bathroom while I studied in my bed, after I paid for him to go to therapy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
And I know I'd tell a friend of mine with this problem to leave immediately. And yet I still don't want to let go, not only because I know he needs me
But also because Im so scared of how alone I'll feel.
But also because Im so scared of how alone I'll feel.
Loneliness might be the least of your problems if you stay with him, and I do not mean to be flip or to minimize loneliness. But it's better than being screamed at, hit, choked, raped, dealing with arrests and having your finances ruined. I expect you might be thinking, 'no he's not like that, that could never happen'. Read the stories of everyone who thought the exact same thing.
You only have 3 months invested. I totally understand how fast people can fall in love. I've done that too. More than once. You will fall in love again. And if you learn from this experience it won't be with an addict. I speak from experience - both in loving an addict, going through hell for "love", and finally getting the F AWAY from the addict.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 51
I know it feels like he needs you to get sober but the truth is that he needs you to keep drinking. If you didn't give him any more money, told him not to call you when he is drinking, held him accountable for his lies and took care of your own needs as well as you are taking care of his, are you sure he would still come to you or would he go find someone who enables his addictions? It sounds like you already know you are falling into old childhood habits, so I hope you soon find the strength to do what you know you need to do. Good luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Oh my gosh, mjk, I feel for you in your whirlwind of confusion, fear and hope right now...it's a bad place to be, no doubt. I'm glad you made it to SR and I hope you can spend some time reading here. As others have suggested, reading members' stories will give you a preview of what you can expect if you continue in this relationship. Certainly it's your decision, your choice, but it will not be w/o consequences....
Please do some reading in the stickies section at the top of the page, too, if you can. There's a lot of distilled wisdom there. This thread might be a good place to begin: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
The title of your thread says a lot about the weight you're carrying right now. You feel that somehow his recovery is up to you, and w/o your help, he simply won't be able to make it. If everyone here had a penny for each time we felt that same way--well, it would be quite a lot of pennies! But you know what? Your A, same as mine, is intelligent and resourceful enough to find ways to obtain and drink alcohol, pretty much no matter what obstacles stand in his way. If he can bring that degree of determination and effort to drinking, what's stopping him from making an equal effort towards sobriety? There's a lot of work to be done for him to get healthy, and it's HIS job. Don't feel sorry for him being "all alone in the world" w/his problems; AA is full of folks who get it and who can help him far, far better than you ever could. Let him find his own way--there are many sources for help. Look at you--you just found us here at SR, right?
And along w/that thought, you do have a job of your own. You're the child of an A, and as such, you've got some damage to work on too. SR is a great resource. I'd highly recommend Alanon also. The two have been a powerful combination for growth in my life.
I know I probably sound like some dried-up old witch, not recognizing how special and intense this relationship is after only 3 months. I felt the same about my A 20 years ago when we met, so much so that I've denied/ignored/excused red flags and unacceptable behavior for virtually all of that time. After years of being lied to, of having savings stolen, of confusion and pain and self-doubt, I've filed for divorce. I AM important. I DO matter, not just him.
You came here looking for help, which is a good sign. I hope you can take all you learn here to heart and walk a healthier path.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Please do some reading in the stickies section at the top of the page, too, if you can. There's a lot of distilled wisdom there. This thread might be a good place to begin: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
The title of your thread says a lot about the weight you're carrying right now. You feel that somehow his recovery is up to you, and w/o your help, he simply won't be able to make it. If everyone here had a penny for each time we felt that same way--well, it would be quite a lot of pennies! But you know what? Your A, same as mine, is intelligent and resourceful enough to find ways to obtain and drink alcohol, pretty much no matter what obstacles stand in his way. If he can bring that degree of determination and effort to drinking, what's stopping him from making an equal effort towards sobriety? There's a lot of work to be done for him to get healthy, and it's HIS job. Don't feel sorry for him being "all alone in the world" w/his problems; AA is full of folks who get it and who can help him far, far better than you ever could. Let him find his own way--there are many sources for help. Look at you--you just found us here at SR, right?
And along w/that thought, you do have a job of your own. You're the child of an A, and as such, you've got some damage to work on too. SR is a great resource. I'd highly recommend Alanon also. The two have been a powerful combination for growth in my life.
I know I probably sound like some dried-up old witch, not recognizing how special and intense this relationship is after only 3 months. I felt the same about my A 20 years ago when we met, so much so that I've denied/ignored/excused red flags and unacceptable behavior for virtually all of that time. After years of being lied to, of having savings stolen, of confusion and pain and self-doubt, I've filed for divorce. I AM important. I DO matter, not just him.
You came here looking for help, which is a good sign. I hope you can take all you learn here to heart and walk a healthier path.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Also, I grew up with an alcoholic mother so this all feels like deja vu
which brings up a STRONG desire in you to FIX it ........THIS TIME.
that's not your job. he's had a drinking problem for a long time, you're only seeing three teeny tiny months of it.
while he does not have a choice about his disease....you can't just decide to NOT BE one.....he DOES have choices in getting sober. LOTS of choices. lots of options. but you are not his solution.....you are not a certified therapist, nor is your home a rehab center, nor should adult relationships be based on RESCUE.
again.....look at what he presents to you after three short months....12 weeks. and you feel RESPONSIBLE for another full grown adult. you are already paying for things for him, considering what you should sacrifice for him.
you would not be giving up.....you would just be saying no thanks. and that is perfectly ok.
which brings up a STRONG desire in you to FIX it ........THIS TIME.
that's not your job. he's had a drinking problem for a long time, you're only seeing three teeny tiny months of it.
while he does not have a choice about his disease....you can't just decide to NOT BE one.....he DOES have choices in getting sober. LOTS of choices. lots of options. but you are not his solution.....you are not a certified therapist, nor is your home a rehab center, nor should adult relationships be based on RESCUE.
again.....look at what he presents to you after three short months....12 weeks. and you feel RESPONSIBLE for another full grown adult. you are already paying for things for him, considering what you should sacrifice for him.
you would not be giving up.....you would just be saying no thanks. and that is perfectly ok.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
You will not be "giving up on him" -- you will be taking care of yourself. Big difference.
He's quicksand and you are standing on the edge. Take a deep breath, make a 180-degree turn, and walk away from this situation and toward your nearest Alanon meeting.
He's quicksand and you are standing on the edge. Take a deep breath, make a 180-degree turn, and walk away from this situation and toward your nearest Alanon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Dating advice that was given to me by several older women friends:
Dating is the honeymoon period. If there are problems then, you can bet on even bigger problems years down the road. Dating is the time to see red flags and yield to them.
Dating is the honeymoon period. If there are problems then, you can bet on even bigger problems years down the road. Dating is the time to see red flags and yield to them.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by mjk3938
I know you're both right. And as painful as it is knowing that, I appreciate your advice enormously. yet somehow I can't get over these feelings of guilt and abandonment. I keep thinking if it's this hard for me I can't imagine how hard all of this is for him. And because I love him I don't want him to have to go through it alone and possibly not get better because I know he wants to.
I also know that these are Classic signs of an adult child of an alcoholic family. And I know I'd tell a friend of mine with this problem to leave immediately. And yet I still don't want to let go, not only because I know he needs me
But also because Im so scared of how alone I'll feel.
Thanks for reading, just needed to rant
I also know that these are Classic signs of an adult child of an alcoholic family. And I know I'd tell a friend of mine with this problem to leave immediately. And yet I still don't want to let go, not only because I know he needs me
But also because Im so scared of how alone I'll feel.
Thanks for reading, just needed to rant
You are important! And, it is lonely at first, but friends and even time to yourself will make you even stronger, and soon you`ll realise how much of a lucky escape you had!
Best Wishes
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Run like hell.
Red flags this early *and* you went out of your way to see us out. That means that you are not only aware of this, you recognize it as a problem. A big problem.
You aren't responsible for him - you are responsible for YOU, and YOU have a lot going on... you're in the midst of finals - he is the one who is supposed to be taking care of YOU! And what is he doing? Hm... nothing but heartache here, sorry.
Red flags this early *and* you went out of your way to see us out. That means that you are not only aware of this, you recognize it as a problem. A big problem.
You aren't responsible for him - you are responsible for YOU, and YOU have a lot going on... you're in the midst of finals - he is the one who is supposed to be taking care of YOU! And what is he doing? Hm... nothing but heartache here, sorry.
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