Daughter of an Alcoholic Mother

[sweeks]

Well. I just found this website today and I figured I would join and see what knowledge I can glean from you folks.

I'm 22 years old and married. My mom as been an alcocholic for most of my life. Things are just now starting to come to a head.

Believe it or not I didn't even remeber that most of this was going on. When I was in health class in my freshman year they talked about "defence mechanisms" like denial.....I thought to myself "hmm that's very interesting" but didn't go much farther than that. So then my senior year in highschool my parents got in this huge fight and my mom starts to leave in the middle of it....my dad yelled something to her like "fine just go drink yourself into a coma and we'll pretend tomorrow that none of this ever happened" That was when it finally hit me that she was an alcholic. I started remembering all kinds of stuff. My mom passing out on the bed and pissing herself, getting drunk at a party and throwing up, my sister running away from home over her drinking. (she actually was sober for about 5-10 years there in the middle which probably helps explain why it was so easy for me to push it all out of my mind)

Anyway now within the last year she has been in rehab once, jail once, four car accidents, emergency room twice, out-patient treatment, and dissappeared altogether for days at a time more times than I can count. My dad (well step-father really but he might as well be my real dad) is talking about divorce because he just can't handle it anymore.....We've had to take away her car keys...all of her money and credit cards and such.....I feel like I'm the parent and I shouldn't have to be.

I'm at a total loss. I not longer have any hope that she will get better and I feel so hopeless like I should be doing something more than talking to her a couple times a week and going to some family meetings at her treatment facility.

Thanks for reading this. It has helped a lot just to say it here even if noone reads it.

[Karivan]

Hi. I thought no one would read mine either but everyone on this web site is very supportive. I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing with my sister. All I can say is keep posting on this site and Alanon really helps if you can find a meeting to go to. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and not as bad off as your mother or my sister but it's all relative. There are chat meetings on this site for family members of alcoholics so watch for those. They are so helpful. Take care. hugs

[Marcinor]

Hi Sweeks!

Thanks for being here! I'm pretty new still to all this but I wanted to welcome you. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that you have.

When I first found these boards I was just torturing myself over the things I couldn't (but wanted to) control. I read so many lots of postings and related them to myself and my life. The first thing that helped me was to realize that I wasn't alone. I started going to alanon meetings too, it was one of the toughest things I've ever done by myself but I'm really glad I did because I feel better, not well, or healed completely, but better.

Here is the thing that worked for me the first week I realized I needed help for me. Everytime I had a thought about my alcoholic that I couldn't get out of my head I remembered.

I didn't cause it
I can't cure it
and I can't control it.

check out meetings in your area and do something nice for yourself today. Welcome! And I'm so glad you are here.

Hugs,

marci

[sweeks]

Thanks to both of you. I've been to one meeting so far (at my mom's treatment center). I'm going to an "adult children of alcoholics" meeting this saturday morning and looking for a al-anon meeting I can make it to soon. I figure the more I go to the more likely I am to find something that works for me.

[Yreva]

Sweeks-
Glad to see you found this board- it has helped me too. My mom is also an alcoholic. It is hard to see your parent going thru any of this and it is also hard to work thru the issues an alcoholic parent leaves you with.
If I can give one word of advice----please go to alanon and be openminded about the things that work inside of you...your subconcious decisions. I never thought my mom being an alcoholic would affect me so much into my adult life...sometimes it sneaks up on you if you haven't dealt with all that went on in your household growing up. I met my husband and it was "love at first sight"---I had never been that type of person, but I told myself it just must be right to feel that way. I am now dealing with a 10 year relationship(7 yrs married) and two kids and my husband is gone because I made him leave to get treatment for being an alcoholic...I NEVER thought I would be here, but if you don't get "healthy" now you will be surprised on the decisions that sometimes you will make later that aren't the best for you. I am glad to see that you are getting help so young. Hang in there and things WILL get better.
Di

[cwohio]

sweeks - i too am fairly new here, but everything that has been posted in this thread by others should help you feel less alone. going to those meetings should help you and it's great that you are starting earlier than a lot of us here, had we done the things we are doing now earlier, we might have saved ourselves some grief, but....better late than never.

come back and post often, it really does help to unload, share, read.

take care - cwohio

[Ann25]

(((((((((((SWEEKS)))))))))

Hi, my name is Ann and I can so relate to your story. I never had a Dad around to help so it was mostly on me. I took care of everything and everybody. I saw some pretty f#**ed **** growing up! All these feelings are coming out that I have to deal with and Its so hard!! Using drugs was the norm for me. Today its not.
Im a mother of 2 daughters and let me tell you--Im having a hard time dealing with them. I have touble with the emotional support mostly. I never got that--so to give it is hard.
Even with my personal relationships today--sometimes I dont know what Im feeling--how to be there for someone. Im doing the best that I can with common sense. Trying to treat people the way that I want to be treated.
Trust is a big issue with me today and Im working on that.
Growing up in an alcoholic family really has an impact on our lives as adults.
But if you are lucky enough to have loving, caring, and understanding people in your life for support then hold on to that. Let them help and teach you.

[sweeks]

Thanks for sharing ann25 it's amazing how much I have in common with everyone here!

Trust is a big issue with me today and Im working on that.

me too! but my problem is that I give it too willingly....perhaps I just think that everyone must be more trust worthy than my mother...*sigh*

[luvmyfurbabies]

Sweeks, welcome. This is a wonderful place and someone is always listening. Please keep coming back.

[sweeks]

Thanks furbabies! And to everyone else too. Unfortunatley things are getting worse not better. My parents live out in the country and now things have gotten so bad that my dad has had to take all of my mom's money and her car keys away. (this may not sound like the best move but it is all we can think to do to save her from herself and anyone else on the road from her)

Anyway she had an appointment today with her parole officer here in the town that I live in. So my dad drover 30min from work to their house in the middle of the day, dropped her off at my house and was going to pick her later on in the day. Well I got a call from my dad around 3pm or so when he was going to my house to pick her up and take her home.............she was VERY drunk....not passed out buy couldn't walk or talk or even understand him. I told him to do whatever he thought was best and if he needed to leave her at my house that was fine and I'd be home in at 5pm. Well he ended up leaving her at my house and when I got home she was passed out. My dad got there shortly after I did and we had some dinner and sat there in the living room trying to make small talk while waiting for her to wake up even a little. So I look over at her and just as I do it she pisses on herself and my couch! Is it really this bad for a lot of alcoholics???? I find that very hard to believe.

Finally it comes to this. My dad and I are planning to give her an ultimatim.....get help or get out. It's all we can think to do at this point. We can't continue to keep her under lock and key.....and we can't continue to support her habit. The thing is though is that she is totally non-functional. She doesn't have a job and other than me and dad she has no where to go, every chance she gets she is drunk....not just a little drunk...pissing her pants totally incoherent drunk....we've had to take her to the emergency room numerous times. We're going to tell her in the morning that if she won't commit to an inpatient program (herself we're not going to do any of it for her) then she's going to need to find somewhere else to live and some other way to support herself......

The thing is I don't think I have the conviction to stick to it. Am I doing the right things? If we put her out on her own is it as good as a death sentance? I should tell you that she also has bipolar disorder.....does that change the way we should handle this? Can we have her admitted to a mental institution? None of her doctors can or will speak with me and I can't get any information about this stuff.....HELP!!!

[Teggie]

Wow! My prayers go out to you and your family. This must be a horrible ordeal to have to endure. Gee I wish I had the right answers to give you, as it stands I do know that a bipolar condition can be a serious influence. Has she ever had to be hospitalized for this before? Does she have a doctor that treats her bipolar? My sister is bipolar and an alcoholic, she has to take meds daily. She got so bad one time we had to call her doctor and inform him and he admitted her for medication regulation and detox. Now that she is stable on her meds she's been going to AA faithfully and has a year of sobriety. It sounds like, from your post that your mom may be a danger to herself and/or others at this time. Her doctor may need to admit her for medication regulation and detox. If she has no doctor then call around to the local psychiatric facilities and ask to talk to someone. Maybye they can tell you what options to look into. I see your point about the ultimatum, your confused and at the end of your rope, thats understandable. I just wonder if her bipolar disorder could be hindering her ability to decide things for herself at this time. Not only is the alcoholism there but stacked with a possible unstable bipolar disorder thats a mix for destruction. I want to encourage you and your father, when your able to to go to a alanon meeting together. Your both going to find alot of needed support there. I hope everything works out well for y'all, please keep in touch...Hugs! Teggie

[redrose0729]

There are many times when I read peoples stories I am left speachless and I don't know what to say. This is one of those times . I am so sorry for what your family is going through I know it is hard. Keep coming back here there are alot of great people here . My prayers are with you and your family.

[sweeks]

You're totally right Teggie. I think that she is seeing a counselor (she's supposed to be anyway but I can't trust her to tell me the truth about anything) and she's supposed to be on some meds....Honestly I think that there is more wrong too she has panic attacks and I think she may also have a social disorder because even when she wasn't drinking she barely left the house and hates being around people she doesn't know.....I really don't want to just kick her out but my dad is completely fed up and he's gone through alot more of this than I have. I honestly think that she needs to be institutionalized but....she just won't do any of it....she won't go to meetings....she claims to be seeing her counselor but I don't think she's actually doing it....and even if she is she is so untruthful with my dad and I that I can't believe that she is telling the shrink enough truth for it to do any good.....and if we bring up in patient treatment she just flat out says she won't go......

[kfa2004]

Sweeks
I am new here also but I had a simular situation to yours only the person was my oldest son. My husband is an alcoholic and abusive, he came into our lives when my oldest son was 2 yrs old. Unfortunately I did not realize the problem until my son started suffering panic attacks (he was in the 6th grad). He was diagnosed as bipolar and agraphobic. Our lives were a nightmare. As long as he took the meds he could function but at times he would determine himself "cured" and stop taking them. Now at 26 years old he is trying to get his life together. We tried everything to help him and finally had to stand back and watch him fall. It wasn't until we let him "hit bottom" that he began to try and help himself. It is a hard thing to watch or participate in. I will keep you in my prayers.
Kat
P.S. He and I attended couseling for over 8 years but it didn't work until he decided to let it work.
Many Hugs to you.

[sweeks]

Well I talked to the AM today on the phone three times while against my better judgement she was at my house again waiting for an appointment with her parole officer. She seemed okay each time the last time was around 3pm. It's now 5:20pm I just got home and was looking forward to not having to go through the same **** as yesterday and guess what? here I am again. Cleaning my mother's **** off my couch and my carpet. She is no longer welcome in my home when I am not here and my dad is going to kick her out too. She is passed out on my floor as I type this and I need to figure out what to do when she wakes up (or should I just take her to the er now and leave her there?) I'm so angry I can't even think. Has anyone out there been in this situation????? Please help me and tell me what my options are on what to do with my drunk disgusting mentally ill mother!!

[Teggie]

OMG, how I wish I had the words of wisdom, I feel helpless here. I do know that when I worked ER several years ago sometimes the first step to an involuntary committment started there. I think that maybye the police dept might have some infor on that too. I'm not sure but maybye. She's obviously a threat at this time. If you take her there stress that to the personel that you feel she is a threat to self and others, sometimes that can help start the process. I just hope I'm not giving you wrong info, please forgive me if I am. My prayers are with you and your dad through this horrible time. Have to run to work now but please keep us updated . Hugs, Teggie

[eveie]

dear sweeks......((((((((sweeks))))))) I can tell you this much, I am an adult child of an alcoholic mom, who is bipolar( although she will never admit it) she went from 0to bitch in .2 seconds, they diagnosed me with a mild form and a social anxiety more recently, I CAN tell you she is sober now, but refuses to admit she is anything more then moody. I CAN also tell you that at this point your mom IS a danger to herself/others and if your state has that type of program you and your dad can have her put in involuntary. I have so many other problems from growing up with an A mom but never dealt with them, until now, what a wake up call! My best advice, is to check into your area hospitals ie psychiatric ones about the 72 hour hold, some states have it some dont. It may be the only way for ALL of you to get the help needed... Prayers and hugs, not that I am in any way in a situation for advice, but my heart goes out to you. If she is taking or supposed to be taking bipolar medication, I know for fact that mine say do not take with alcohol, that it makes them either NOT work, or intensifies them... just thought I would add that ((((((((((sweeks)))))

[sweeks]

Well as far as I can tell my mom has been sober for *calculates* 10 days. She's been to at least one (sometimes two) meetings every day since our last big blow-out. And today she just got a job **wohoo yeah mom!!**

Honestly I think that the best thing I've ever done in my life is come here. Alot of people (less informed people than you wonderful friends) say that there is nothing you can do to help an alcoholic unless they want it. But here I learned that there IS something that you can do to help whether they want it or not, and that is to help yourself. To learn how to change the things that I'm doing and how I'm reacting in order to stop inhibiting their recovery. (am I making any sense here? lol) Anyway thanks a ton and keep your fingers crossed for me that things will continue on the path that they are on and know that even if they don't I'll be okay regardless! *smiles*

[wvtears]

OMG Sweeeks I don't even know shat to tell you! I am new here and I have to say reading about others has helped a bit. Iam a daughter of an A/M although she died when I was 12, I still feel the reprocussions(sp?) everyday. Unfortunatly at the age of 12 I listened to hateful people say hateful things about my mother and did not know A as a disease. Just knew I hated my life and her because of it. The morn they called to say she had been hospitalized and not expected to make it and if we wanted to come to do so now. Well my ??? ( person who "cared " for me) bitched and moaned about it being 4am and just like her to needher kid now etc..and to keep peace I said I did not want to go to the hospital. At 10am or so that day I got sent to the store and people from our community just bombarded me with sympathy and hugs. Being 12 I thanked everyone and left, sobbing all the way home I did not know my mother had died!!!!! Now a mother myself I refuse to let my kids live that life, just got out of a relationship bc BF was A. But I think of her everyday and one of the worse feelings I can imagine is being on your deathbed and being told your child refuses to see you! She probably did not even understand until that moment the magnatude of what she had done with herself and her lif. I am so sorry for what you are going through, I hope you are able to find a way to get through it and also will pray you mom finds some strength to get help. Good Luck Girl!

[sweeks]

Thank you tears!! I really appreciate you sharing. I'm not a mother yet but I hope that when I am I have just a little of the strength of character that you seem to have.

I just realized that I have not said in my posts that I love my mom. I really really do. And nothing that this disease does to her can change that. Thanks!

[sweeks]

Hi again another update....I can't decide if this is a good one or not....

All of last week my mom was at my house EVERY DAY. My parents live out in the country so it saves my dad a lot of driving time to be able to drop her off
at my house to wait for her AA meetings. I picked my mom up after an AA meeting on Sunday and took her shopping for some new clothes for her new job (she has lost her DL for the next year). After spending the whole day with her I found out that she was drinking again the night before (and who knows how many other times that we don't know about)....

The AA meetings are required by her probation officer.....I feel like she is only going to the meetings to stay out of jail and is not working the program. I can't continue to make sacrifices in my life just to keep her out of jail so she can continue to drink behind everyone's backs......

I told her on Sunday that I could start picking her up from home and taking her to meetings if she wanted....and she replied with "so you don't want me around anymore at all? even when you are home?" (previously the boundary had been that she couldn't be there when I wasn't) And I said "no I don't I'm not really comfortable with that anymore"....so she cries and won't talk to me about it. She says "no no it's find I'll just have dad take me"...I tried to talk to her and to explain my reasons...but she wouldn't have it. So I left and went home.

I feel so guilty and selfish and mean.....

My sister thinks that I should call and try to talk to her....but I feel like mom is the one that put us in this situation so she should call me (now that I put that on paper though it starts to sound like a mind game...) The thing is...back before this started to get so bad when she got upset with someone or got in a fight and they would call....she would just not ever answer the phone. I don't want to be that person putting in the work and getting ignored and treated like they are in the wrong....because as bad as I feel about this....I honestly don't feel like it's a mistake. ARRHH!!

[Hopeless]

Dont get me wrong i dont think you should apologize, i just think you should try again to explain yourself. I cant even begin to know what you have gone through since i have been gone, and i dont claim to. but I hold fast to the belief that one day she will stop being so defensive (like she always accused us of doing, hmm i wonder where we learned that?) and listen to reason. I dont play her mind games anymore and I'm just saying that if we are persistant maybe she will at least listen and hear what we mean and not "i dont want you around."

Love you!!

[sweeks]

No I know you don't expect me to apologize! lol Sorry if I came across that way.....I was thinking that a good compromise might be a letter or an email so she wouldn't feel so defensive.

[Hopeless]

Good Idea that way she can think about what is written and not react instantly!! Well i should actually get some work done! Later Babe!

[sweeks]

Well after the last incident with my mom I ended up having to pick her up from work and drive her home. She seemed okay and we talked and stuff so I guess things are okay between us.

Yesterday my mom called me and asked for a ride home. (my dad had dropped her off here in town and the lady that was supposed to pick her up from AA didn't show) So I went and picked her up and drove her home no biggy. Anyway I just got a call from my dad and he got in a big fight with my mom today (she was drinking last night). So she stormed out and right now she is walking down the highway towards the town I live in (about 12 miles from her and my dad's house). My dad wanted to know if he ought to go get her or not.....I told him that if I was him I wouldn't. She's blaming him for her drinking and being a damn drama queen. Why should he go pick her up? She's an adult, she's not in any direct threat of harm except maybe from herself ( ).........

Any advice? What would you guys do? I so value your opinions.