Unsent letter to my ex.. gotta get it out of my head :)
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Unsent letter to my ex.. gotta get it out of my head :)
I love my Al Anon program. It has totally saved my bacon. One thing I have not mastered is the ability to keep my mouth shut and not stuff all the unsaid things into resentment. There are so many things I want to tell my ex, but I can’t b/c its “fighting words” or would go nowhere. So, lucky people, I am going to share them here… if only to get them out of my head so I can have a better day. Thanks!
My ex and I broke up 2 months ago after a nearly 5 year relationship. My son (age 11), loves her and wants to remain connected. I respect that. There was a lot of quacking early on about “I want to see him every day”, blah blah quack.The reality of the situation is that she sees him 1x a week for a few hours and every other Sat (usually not a full day).
Dear L:
Today I found myself getting angry yet again at you. This time it is b/c you asked to see him today. I told you it was boy scout night, but you were welcome to take him to the activity and spend time with him there. After going thru all the questioning from you (what time? How long?) you state you can’t come at 630. This only solidifies for me that you are not acting as a parent to him. A parent who truly wants to see her child would move whatever conflict to see her child. Would I rather be going to the home group Al Anon meeting I had to give up for him to be in scouts? Yes, but I know scouting is good for him and I care about what is best for him, not just myself. There are other meetings.
Next time you ask me about his upcoming school meetings or doc appointments, I will tell you that I'd prefer that you don't attend. What I want to say is that you know so little about his day to day life that you could not have anything relevant to say in these meetings. You’re not here, and that is by your choice. I’ve given you many opportunities and this is the schedule you chose.
I realize that maybe these are my values and not yours, but these are the values that I want surrounding my child. If it is that hard for you to stay sober after 18 months without leaving your family to immerse yourself into your program without “distractions” (your words), that is your choice. I don’t view my son as a distraction. But every choice comes with consequences, and the end result of yours is that you’ve abdicated your role as a parent and are more in the role of a caring adult he sometimes spends time with, like his Big Brother. I would not think to invite his Big Brother to an IEP meeting, so why would I include you?
You like to throw in my face that you have no rights to him. A piece of paper should not make you more willing to spend time with him. I learned a long time ago that words are just words, and I wait for the behavior. The behavior I’ve seen from you certainly does not make me feel comfortable to give you any type of guardianship rights over my son, even if that were possible.
I have to face reality too. I keep thinking when your work schedule changes that you’ll be able to see him more. But behavior like today tells me that a work schedule does not prevent you from being more involved; your self-centeredness does.
My ex and I broke up 2 months ago after a nearly 5 year relationship. My son (age 11), loves her and wants to remain connected. I respect that. There was a lot of quacking early on about “I want to see him every day”, blah blah quack.The reality of the situation is that she sees him 1x a week for a few hours and every other Sat (usually not a full day).
Dear L:
Today I found myself getting angry yet again at you. This time it is b/c you asked to see him today. I told you it was boy scout night, but you were welcome to take him to the activity and spend time with him there. After going thru all the questioning from you (what time? How long?) you state you can’t come at 630. This only solidifies for me that you are not acting as a parent to him. A parent who truly wants to see her child would move whatever conflict to see her child. Would I rather be going to the home group Al Anon meeting I had to give up for him to be in scouts? Yes, but I know scouting is good for him and I care about what is best for him, not just myself. There are other meetings.
Next time you ask me about his upcoming school meetings or doc appointments, I will tell you that I'd prefer that you don't attend. What I want to say is that you know so little about his day to day life that you could not have anything relevant to say in these meetings. You’re not here, and that is by your choice. I’ve given you many opportunities and this is the schedule you chose.
I realize that maybe these are my values and not yours, but these are the values that I want surrounding my child. If it is that hard for you to stay sober after 18 months without leaving your family to immerse yourself into your program without “distractions” (your words), that is your choice. I don’t view my son as a distraction. But every choice comes with consequences, and the end result of yours is that you’ve abdicated your role as a parent and are more in the role of a caring adult he sometimes spends time with, like his Big Brother. I would not think to invite his Big Brother to an IEP meeting, so why would I include you?
You like to throw in my face that you have no rights to him. A piece of paper should not make you more willing to spend time with him. I learned a long time ago that words are just words, and I wait for the behavior. The behavior I’ve seen from you certainly does not make me feel comfortable to give you any type of guardianship rights over my son, even if that were possible.
I have to face reality too. I keep thinking when your work schedule changes that you’ll be able to see him more. But behavior like today tells me that a work schedule does not prevent you from being more involved; your self-centeredness does.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Hello NotsoSmart,
I think it was very healthy to write out your feelings in a letter and sharing it with us here on SR. I think you are right though in that it won't help in the situation you have with your ex so I wouldn't send it either.
Hope venting here helped, even if just a little bit.
I think it was very healthy to write out your feelings in a letter and sharing it with us here on SR. I think you are right though in that it won't help in the situation you have with your ex so I wouldn't send it either.
Hope venting here helped, even if just a little bit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Hi NotSoSmart,
I can say that for me, one of my biggest helpers is exactly what you did here. I would write for HOURS to my AGF. Never to be seen by her. I would write further hours, my own personal reflections in a journal. This was actually part of my therapy. OK go home and write about an event that troubled you. I would come back with a paragraph. Go back and present it to my therapist. Nope...Go home...give me more. That became a page. Still not enough....Learn how to say what you feel not what you want others to hear you say. That turned into pages and pages.....for just one event. By the time that part of therapy was done I had notebooks filled.
Once I learned that skill, it became one my own healing therapy tools. Just being able to commit it to paper, somehow allows me to keep it in shape and finite and manageable. It also exercises your brain to focus on what matters rather than the environment you are trying to avoid.
What eventually happened was, I didn't need to write letters to my AGF. It took the focus off of her and allowed me to work it out on my own.
TY for sharing this here.
I can say that for me, one of my biggest helpers is exactly what you did here. I would write for HOURS to my AGF. Never to be seen by her. I would write further hours, my own personal reflections in a journal. This was actually part of my therapy. OK go home and write about an event that troubled you. I would come back with a paragraph. Go back and present it to my therapist. Nope...Go home...give me more. That became a page. Still not enough....Learn how to say what you feel not what you want others to hear you say. That turned into pages and pages.....for just one event. By the time that part of therapy was done I had notebooks filled.
Once I learned that skill, it became one my own healing therapy tools. Just being able to commit it to paper, somehow allows me to keep it in shape and finite and manageable. It also exercises your brain to focus on what matters rather than the environment you are trying to avoid.
What eventually happened was, I didn't need to write letters to my AGF. It took the focus off of her and allowed me to work it out on my own.
TY for sharing this here.
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