Losing my hope
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Losing my hope
Without hashing through all the details of the last few days, I'm sadly watching the progression of alcoholism devour my husband. Last evening I was at my neighbors for an hour. Came home about 615 to him listening to music and bawling (yeah that's a common thing when he's drunk). Starts apologizing that he's drunk again, he's ruining everything. So sorry, he had so much in life and he's wrecked it and now all he is is a drunk.
I told him I love him and that if there was something he needed to do or wanted to do to get help that I would support him. I didn't say anything about helping him myself - we both know that's not possible.
He actually said to me it's too late, he's too old, he can't fix it, too far gone. I told him that was a rather defeatist attitude and it made me sad. He came back with it is what it is, thank you for staying with me through all this - let's just stay on the ride as long as it lasts.
WTF???
Trying to take some of it with a grain of salt since he was drunk. But also based on the work I've been doing with therapy, Al-anon and reading here I know that if he keeps drinking at this pace he's going to slide all the way into the abyss. While I love him, want to keep our family intact and still have some hope that he has a chance to become sober it's looking more and more inevitable that we're going to lose whatever we have left of him to vodka. I can't let booze take me and the kids down that abyss with him. So I guess it's time for me to figure out the boundaries of the abyss and know when it's time to step back without him.
So sad...
I told him I love him and that if there was something he needed to do or wanted to do to get help that I would support him. I didn't say anything about helping him myself - we both know that's not possible.
He actually said to me it's too late, he's too old, he can't fix it, too far gone. I told him that was a rather defeatist attitude and it made me sad. He came back with it is what it is, thank you for staying with me through all this - let's just stay on the ride as long as it lasts.
WTF???
Trying to take some of it with a grain of salt since he was drunk. But also based on the work I've been doing with therapy, Al-anon and reading here I know that if he keeps drinking at this pace he's going to slide all the way into the abyss. While I love him, want to keep our family intact and still have some hope that he has a chance to become sober it's looking more and more inevitable that we're going to lose whatever we have left of him to vodka. I can't let booze take me and the kids down that abyss with him. So I guess it's time for me to figure out the boundaries of the abyss and know when it's time to step back without him.
So sad...
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I've been at that abyss twice with my H. The first time I went down the abyss. When he stabilized, I realized he was a functional A in denial. I knew he'd be back at the abyss. I vowed the second time I wouldn't go down.
The second time I tried to support a recovery plan but he derailed in about a month. I had to kick him out because I had set my boundary that our DS and ME were no longer living in a house ruled with alcohol.
This did prompt him to try inpatient rehab and it has overall worked for him. I was surprised he went this route. I think he had too much pride to go home to his family and be enabled.
Third time I'm done. I told him I did all of my detachment and enabling in the first 18 Y. I do hope there is no next time, but that isn't up to me is it?
You might be surprised once you take away his cozy drinking corner.
The second time I tried to support a recovery plan but he derailed in about a month. I had to kick him out because I had set my boundary that our DS and ME were no longer living in a house ruled with alcohol.
This did prompt him to try inpatient rehab and it has overall worked for him. I was surprised he went this route. I think he had too much pride to go home to his family and be enabled.
Third time I'm done. I told him I did all of my detachment and enabling in the first 18 Y. I do hope there is no next time, but that isn't up to me is it?
You might be surprised once you take away his cozy drinking corner.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Also, I would like to add this thought: If you understand that "pain drives the train"....perhaps, you can take new hope that his pain may be indicating that he is closer to his bottom than before.
If you were to cease all enabling and let him feel the consequences of his drinking...in order for him to feel the full impact...in other words: Get out of his way--so that he could reach this point: Change occurs when the fear of drinking becomes worse than the fear of quitting.
Often times, getting out of their way is the only thing we can do.
dandylion
If you were to cease all enabling and let him feel the consequences of his drinking...in order for him to feel the full impact...in other words: Get out of his way--so that he could reach this point: Change occurs when the fear of drinking becomes worse than the fear of quitting.
Often times, getting out of their way is the only thing we can do.
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I have been there many times with my stbexah while he was at home and since he has left but he wasn't and still isn't prepared to seek recovery, his view like your AH is that Ives lost everything and it's too late this is who he is and this is the path he is going down!
It's never too late for the A to seek help but it's their choice only he can decide when enough is enough.
I think you handled the situation very well, keep focusing on you
It's never too late for the A to seek help but it's their choice only he can decide when enough is enough.
I think you handled the situation very well, keep focusing on you
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Join Date: May 2014
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sounds like another one who will turn up in an aa meeting one day having his wife walk out on him or about to
there is a hint in that response by the way on what might help ; )
today i laugh at myself when i remember the old times listening to sad records and crying in my drink how life is unfair how bad i was blah blah blah
i take it you have suggested he might try aa ? as there are rooms full of people just like him in them but they dont sit there drinking crying into drinks anymore they actualy have good decent lives these days or many of them do i should say
so for me my only suggestion is to point him in the direction of aa or let him go his own way down to the abyss if thats what its going to have to take
i know for me now i have a clear head on my shoulders i only wish i would of got to aa sooner than i did as i might of saved a lot of suffering for myself and my kids
good luck to you
there is a hint in that response by the way on what might help ; )
today i laugh at myself when i remember the old times listening to sad records and crying in my drink how life is unfair how bad i was blah blah blah
i take it you have suggested he might try aa ? as there are rooms full of people just like him in them but they dont sit there drinking crying into drinks anymore they actualy have good decent lives these days or many of them do i should say
so for me my only suggestion is to point him in the direction of aa or let him go his own way down to the abyss if thats what its going to have to take
i know for me now i have a clear head on my shoulders i only wish i would of got to aa sooner than i did as i might of saved a lot of suffering for myself and my kids
good luck to you
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
walkinganewpath.....how old can he be....if you still have children at home---he can't be THAT old!?
He should check out the average age of AA members in southern florida.....LOL!
dandylion
He should check out the average age of AA members in southern florida.....LOL!
dandylion
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
I've been at that abyss twice with my H. The first time I went down the abyss. When he stabilized, I realized he was a functional A in denial. I knew he'd be back at the abyss. I vowed the second time I wouldn't go down.
The second time I tried to support a recovery plan but he derailed in about a month. I had to kick him out because I had set my boundary that our DS and ME were no longer living in a house ruled with alcohol.
This did prompt him to try inpatient rehab and it has overall worked for him. I was surprised he went this route. I think he had too much pride to go home to his family and be enabled.
Third time I'm done. I told him I did all of my detachment and enabling in the first 18 Y. I do hope there is no next time, but that isn't up to me is it?
You might be surprised once you take away his cozy drinking corner.
The second time I tried to support a recovery plan but he derailed in about a month. I had to kick him out because I had set my boundary that our DS and ME were no longer living in a house ruled with alcohol.
This did prompt him to try inpatient rehab and it has overall worked for him. I was surprised he went this route. I think he had too much pride to go home to his family and be enabled.
Third time I'm done. I told him I did all of my detachment and enabling in the first 18 Y. I do hope there is no next time, but that isn't up to me is it?
You might be surprised once you take away his cozy drinking corner.
I'm working on detaching in love (struggling a bit) and hoping that maybe another face plant will hurt enough for him. I have stopped lying and covering for his drinking, stopped rescuing him when he forgets or loses his stuff and stopped doing 'his' chores unless it will be a detriment to the kids.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Also, I would like to add this thought: If you understand that "pain drives the train"....perhaps, you can take new hope that his pain may be indicating that he is closer to his bottom than before.
If you were to cease all enabling and let him feel the consequences of his drinking...in order for him to feel the full impact...in other words: Get out of his way--so that he could reach this point: Change occurs when the fear of drinking becomes worse than the fear of quitting.
Often times, getting out of their way is the only thing we can do.
dandylion
If you were to cease all enabling and let him feel the consequences of his drinking...in order for him to feel the full impact...in other words: Get out of his way--so that he could reach this point: Change occurs when the fear of drinking becomes worse than the fear of quitting.
Often times, getting out of their way is the only thing we can do.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
walkinganewpath....about "detaching with love"......I have had to do that in a big way!
BUT, let me tell you this...from experience: JUst detach....worry about the "love" part, later.
In the beginning...it is hard enough to detach with anger......but, that is O.K.
It is the actual detaching that is important.
dandylion
BUT, let me tell you this...from experience: JUst detach....worry about the "love" part, later.
In the beginning...it is hard enough to detach with anger......but, that is O.K.
It is the actual detaching that is important.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by desypete
sounds like another one who will turn up in an aa meeting one day having his wife walk out on him or about to
there is a hint in that response by the way on what might help ; )
today i laugh at myself when i remember the old times listening to sad records and crying in my drink how life is unfair how bad i was blah blah blah
i take it you have suggested he might try aa ? as there are rooms full of people just like him in them but they dont sit there drinking crying into drinks anymore they actualy have good decent lives these days or many of them do i should say
so for me my only suggestion is to point him in the direction of aa or let him go his own way down to the abyss if thats what its going to have to take
i know for me now i have a clear head on my shoulders i only wish i would of got to aa sooner than i did as i might of saved a lot of suffering for myself and my kids
good luck to you
there is a hint in that response by the way on what might help ; )
today i laugh at myself when i remember the old times listening to sad records and crying in my drink how life is unfair how bad i was blah blah blah
i take it you have suggested he might try aa ? as there are rooms full of people just like him in them but they dont sit there drinking crying into drinks anymore they actualy have good decent lives these days or many of them do i should say
so for me my only suggestion is to point him in the direction of aa or let him go his own way down to the abyss if thats what its going to have to take
i know for me now i have a clear head on my shoulders i only wish i would of got to aa sooner than i did as i might of saved a lot of suffering for myself and my kids
good luck to you
That said he knows I go to Al-anon, knows that I read the books, I even dragged his AA Big Book out the other day.
I got your hint by the way
I realized last night that I am probably going to have to let him end up in that abyss if there is any hope of him dragging himself out.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by dandylion
walkinganewpath....about "detaching with love"......I have had to do that in a big way!
BUT, let me tell you this...from experience: JUst detach....worry about the "love" part, later.
In the beginning...it is hard enough to detach with anger......but, that is O.K.
It is the actual detaching that is important.
dandylion
BUT, let me tell you this...from experience: JUst detach....worry about the "love" part, later.
In the beginning...it is hard enough to detach with anger......but, that is O.K.
It is the actual detaching that is important.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am hoping you have your children, or at least your youngest, in some sort of therapy. Having a parent as an addict and all that comes along with it is very hard for a child that age.
Detatch. I am so sorry.
Detatch. I am so sorry.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I am hoping you have your children, or at least your youngest, in some sort of therapy. Having a parent as an addict and all that comes along with it is very hard for a child that age.
Detatch. I am so sorry.
Detatch. I am so sorry.
She's a very perceptive watchful (aka nosy - lol!) girl so she knows what is going on. I ensured her that no matter what I'm mom and I will make sure that 'we' meaning her, her brother and me will be ok - that I will make sure we are ok. But I'm not sure about dad being ok. The only Al-Ateen meeting remotely near us is 1/2 an hour away at 7pm on a weeknight. I am going to look into other options for her - either a different group or individual. I did get an Alateen ODAT book for her but have not given it to her. Think I will do that this weekend after skimming through it a bit more.
My youngest knows that dad goes to the 'beer store' a lot and is either on the couch or in bed and is grouchy a lot. He and AH butt heads a lot - way too similar. Granted his isn't always on the couch but when they aren't engaged with him doing other stuff (he does do sports, yard work and play with them) those are the places they look for him. I'm not sure on what kind of help to get him or how to talk with him. I honestly just today realized that I need to start working with him on this subject too. So there's another thing to figure out.
Thanks...
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Thank you all. I'm strangely calm at the moment. Took a nice bath, picked up the house, lit a few candles, made tea and now I'm getting to the turkey day cooking. Not hosting it but have a few dishes to make.
Rain is changing over to snow in southern New England and I have an hour and half until the kids get home. I feel good about having a few tangible tasks to deal with ie researching therapy, talking to my son and researching detachment a bit more. Going to let it go for now and enjoy making my kitchen smell yummy.
Be back later - thank you!!!
Rain is changing over to snow in southern New England and I have an hour and half until the kids get home. I feel good about having a few tangible tasks to deal with ie researching therapy, talking to my son and researching detachment a bit more. Going to let it go for now and enjoy making my kitchen smell yummy.
Be back later - thank you!!!
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