Yet more trouble!

Old 11-25-2014, 04:42 AM
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Yet more trouble!

The chaos is too much! We've talked it out: he says he won't "fight" me- says he understands why I want a divorce. He is in the process of getting fired from this job, too. Says "discovery motion" from lawyer would make things worse.

So....advice, please. Should I try to get a mediator? What are the downsides of doing things that way instead of through lawyer? Anyone goes through a divorce lawyer and NOT have it cost a ton of money?? Please help friends! I need to take this step and I'm scared.
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Old 11-25-2014, 05:13 AM
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How does a discovery motion make anything worse? All a discovery motion does is to require him to provide information you are entitled to. What is he hiding that he doesn't want you to know?

I'm a lawyer, myself, and I did most of the work myself, on both of my divorces. I did have a lawyer review the paperwork for the divorce from my first husband because we have kids together. It can be done if your situation is very uncomplicated.

The biggest risk is that you may give up something you need and that you are entitled to. Or that the paperwork will be done incorrectly and leave things out that really need to be in there.

If your situation is uncomplicated, and you are SURE you have all the relevant information (the fact that he doesn't want to respond to a discovery motion makes me a little suspicious about that), you could work out the details and simply ask a lawyer to draft the final agreement. That can save a LOT on fees.

Consult a lawyer before you start, just to make sure you know what you might be entitled to, and have one look over the final paperwork if you want to be on the safe side.
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Old 11-25-2014, 08:43 PM
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If he's still drinking I would hire an attorney - that's just my own personal opinion and it's not very well informed considering I've never divorced anyone. BUT his saying that he "won't fight" you could very well change from one minute to another based on the commitments and empty promises that active alcoholics make.

Wishing you good luck!
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:24 AM
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My personal experience with my divorce prompts me to say to you "Get a lawyer who's experienced in family law and possible even situations dealing with addiction."
When I asked my now XAH to choose between alcohol or his 18 year marriage and family, he chose alcohol because he didn't have a problem- I did. His response to me asking him to choose was to move out and file for divorce.
It all started very amicably but once the consequences of his choices began to become a little more real to him and once I was no longer enabling, it all changed drastically. It became about him being able to preserve the ability to drink and that requires money. My XAH also didn't care for the discovery phase of HIS divorce. It wasn't about the money, it was about shattering the illusion to the world (really just me and our lawyers) that maybe some things had occurred and I wasn't crazy after all. He chose to lie on the discovery instead of face the reality of what he had done.
Needless to say, when it did become about money that he desperately needed to be able to keep drinking, he fought for that more than he did his children. I had tried to be amicable and agree to things I shouldn't have due to the mistaken belief that it might help him choose sobriety if I kept giving. After 2 years of that, the lightbulb came on and I decided to call his bluff and demand we go to court and let a judge decide. He caved, as I knew he would, because there was no way he wanted to have to admit to things under oath in a public courtroom.
Get a good lawyer to protect yourself. Maybe you'll need it, maybe you won't. It's an unpredictable ride when you're dealing with an alcoholic. That's why you need someone who is thinking only about your best interests with no personal feelings clouding the situation.
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Old 11-26-2014, 06:49 AM
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Flavia,

Gosh so hard to cover in this format.

Lawyers will make this expensive. How expensive depends on what you need a lawyer to do. I did a 3 year divorce battle myself. Started out amiably, until a lawyer got involved.

In my case, and it at the time my state, you could file a No Fault Marital Separation Agreement (MSA). This got presented to the judge, who looks it over to make sure there is nothing illegal in the agreement (not paying taxes, child support, etc.), signs it and your done. That did not require either party get an attorney, but either party could if they chose to.

My ex and I sat down with a piece of paper. A column was drawn Hers and Mine. We calmly discussed material possessions easily. I gave her all of the household stuff. She could keep her car and I could keep mine. I wanted all my tools but the rest she could have. She was happy there. We discussed the house split. She wanted the one that cost the least to own and maintain, to which I agreed to. She had a ton of equity in that house. The cash we had on hand, I wanted to partially make up for the equity in the house she was getting. That took us some time to discuss but we worked it out. I agreed to give her half of my 401K and pension. She was working, I was working. Neither of us asked for alimony. I never asked for anything going forward of her 401K etc.

Took us about 4 hours. It sucked, but it was not the worst thing you'll do in life. Then we drafted it up per the format given to use by the courts. She looked at and said, Ok This actually looks good here, mind if I take it to an attorney to look it over? No not at all.

1 week later I was served with a Notice of Contested Divorce by her attorney. 3 years later, she settled, with the car she had and the clothes she could fit into it. Her attorney got 20K out of this 3 years.

Be reasonable and amiable for as long as you can. It is ALWAYS better if you both can work it out yourselves. When attorneys get involved, all of that goes away. By the time its over with, the attorneys have caused you both to hate each other.

Divorces are hard no matter what. Do not lie, hide anything, or try to wreck your husbands reputation. That will backfire on you. His character will be in full view by the time its over. As will yours I could make this response longer with more idea to consider, but you need to decide if you wish to move ahead or not.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. We had court ordered Mediation sessions. If you have an adversary unwilling to compromise about anything, Mediation will serve little purpose. We went to 3 of them. Each time I tried to offer more in some fashion. Her attorney had convinced her that she was going to get everything. That was strong Kool-Aid for her to drink. Anything less than everything, wasn't going to be enough for her by that point.

Its a big decision. Please don't jump too fast based on a huge emotion you feel at this moment.
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Old 11-26-2014, 06:56 AM
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Oh and P.S. I agree that he is avoiding "Discovery" for a reason. That is your first hint that you already have leverage you can use to your advantage.

Depositions are a AMAZINGLY effective way to haul out as much dirty laundry as you can dream up. You can ask anyone, about anything for as long as needed. And they are sworn under oath to tell the truth. My wife caved in before having to face a Deposition. Yes it was leverage I knew I had from day one of the process.
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Old 11-26-2014, 07:24 AM
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Hi Flavia. I can tell you what I did. We went through and negotiated every single thing, I typed it up, had it notorized, and hired an attorney to file for us. The attorney was officially repping me (because I am the one who paid b/c this is how I wanted it done). I gave the attorney the docs and had him file it all for me. We did have to change judges b/c I had stuff in there the judge assigned would not approve even though we both agreed to the terms. My X had to sign a waiver about not having an attorney. My attorney filed that with our divorce papers.

So, we did the hardest part ourselves, which was to negotiate the terms out ourselves. That saved us a ton of money. The entire thing cost a little less than $500, which included the filing fee with the state which was $160. I know my attorney so he gave me a bit of a price break, but I also had quotes from an attorney I don't know who was going to do it all for $700. I paid half up front, and I paid the other half once he actually filed.
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Old 11-27-2014, 06:54 AM
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Thanks so much everyone & Happy Thanksgiving!

I appreciate all the advice- much to look into & do. Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!
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