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So Sorry You Guys, But I Relapsed Back to Husband and Feeling VERY Anxious



So Sorry You Guys, But I Relapsed Back to Husband and Feeling VERY Anxious

Old 11-26-2014, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
How long can you keep on walking on eggshells? especially since you are in early sobriety yourself.
You must be so exhausted.
It is not a way to live . You do deserve to be happy, confident and free to be you.

Ps: I have walked in your shoes.
Yes, it has been exhausting. I find myself sleeping more than usual and somewhat depressed. The paradox of this all is that as a result of what happened on Saturday, I have been given a breath of fresh air (not having to be around drinking and his behavior being better.)
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:34 PM
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If he is smoking pot every night he is NOT sober either. And he should not be driving if he is stoned, his reflexes are not fast enough.

I believe the name of the book is called "Why Does He Do that"? I don't remember, I sent it to my daughter along with "Codependent No More".

As me and several other people mentioned to you, you are the target of his anger and he is NOT working anything to learn to live a sober lifestyle, you can just stop drinking, but you have to change your demeanor and priorities. Right now it's pot.

He sounds like a very immature, selfish person, you really deserve better treatment ALWAYS and to be able to enjoy your OWN life without babysitting a grown man who you cannot be honest with.
take care and always come here to vent, no one will do the " I told you so", we have all been there.

I am a "double winner" also, but I never believed my husband would choke me either....until he was drunk one memorial day and I asked him to feed the cat and turn down the TV. I reported it to the police and got a RO the next day.
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:38 PM
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I talked with my dad yesterday, and he told me that if things do not work out, my dad will allow me to live in the apartment by myself and cover the full rent.

This is because my husband the other day told me that he did not want to live here alone, and not only that, his stepfather told him that he was concerned about the rent if we broke up. Even if my husband did want to stay here, he could not afford the full rent.

So, if we did end up breaking up, my dad has given my husband an "out" on the lease, meaning that my dad would tell him not to worry about it. The lease runs for another 8 months.

My husband would then probably have to go and find a room to rent, as he only makes so much. I would then stay here in the apartment until the lease runs out, and then see what I want to do. So at least if this does not work out, the drama of rent and money would be solved (we would each split half of what is in our bank account, including his 401K).
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
... I believe the name of the book is called "Why Does He Do that"? I don't remember...
Fandy? Is this the book you reference?

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books

Mike
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Old 11-26-2014, 01:11 PM
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I was thinking about getting this book:

Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life by Thomas J. Harbin (Mar 27, 2000)
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Old 11-26-2014, 01:11 PM
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I met Lundy Bancroft at a training where we were both presenting. He is one of the best authorities around on the dynamics and effects of domestic violence. One of his other books (pretty expensive to order) is The Batterer as Parent, which gives excellent insight into the damage an abusive man does to his children and to their relationship with their mother. It's kind of a heavyweight scholarly book, but a fascinating (and often horrifying) read.
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Old 11-26-2014, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
I was thinking about getting this book:

Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life by Thomas J. Harbin (Mar 27, 2000)
The problem is that abusers don't have an anger problem, they have a power and control problem.

Most abusive men are very selective about whom they unleash their violence upon. They are often extremely charming, calm, and reasonable when dealing with other people (including, for example, the police). They are usually VERY capable of controlling their anger when they need to.

If you can get a copy of Lundy's book, "Why Does He DO That?" (which I wouldn't recommend your sharing with him), I think you would recognize a lot of familiar scenarios.
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Old 11-26-2014, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
The problem is that abusers don't have an anger problem, they have a power and control problem.

Most abusive men are very selective about whom they unleash their violence upon. They are often extremely charming, calm, and reasonable when dealing with other people (including, for example, the police). They are usually VERY capable of controlling their anger when they need to.

If you can get a copy of Lundy's book, "Why Does He DO That?" (which I wouldn't recommend your sharing with him), I think you would recognize a lot of familiar scenarios.
I'm not sure. I think he does have an anger problem, though. He gets frustrated when things do not go his way.

When we were living at my parent's house, he was better at controlling his anger because my parents were around. It has been unleashed more now that we moved out.
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Old 11-26-2014, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
When we were living at my parent's house, he was better at controlling his anger because my parents were around. It has been unleashed more now that we moved out.
Exactly what I'm talking about. He can control it when it's to his benefit to do so. Your parents were there, he needed a place to live, he controls it.

When it's "only" the woman he professes to love, though, it isn't controlled. You "push his buttons" so it's OK for him to be hostile, violent, and threatening when you do something he doesn't like, doesn't approve of, or is irritated by.

We all get angry from time to time. Some of us more often, or more easily, than others. But we don't become violent. Therein lies the difference.
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Old 11-26-2014, 02:02 PM
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When we were living at my parent's house, he was better at controlling his anger because my parents were around. It has been unleashed more now that we moved out.
Quite. He is no longer under the threat of being kicked out of your parents' house because of the way he treats their daughter right under their own roof. He wasn't going to be able to hit you there and get away with it.

I haven't heard you say you love him, and for sure he doesn't sound lovable in the least. I have seen you say you think he can't make it on his own or get better without you.

So unpacking that idea - how exactly is your staying so he can beat and/or strangle you going to help him get over his anger problem?
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Old 11-26-2014, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
Yes, I am in contact with my AA sponsor, and I also have a couple close AA contacts. I am going to see this through. The only bright spot right now is that he has been sober from alcohol for 4 days now and has been treating me nicely.
That's good to hear. Keep in contact no matter what. I've been here before, I was raised by a violent father and then had a violent partner, there is hope if you want things to change.
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Old 11-26-2014, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Santa View Post
Quite. He is no longer under the threat of being kicked out of your parents' house because of the way he treats their daughter right under their own roof. He wasn't going to be able to hit you there and get away with it.

I haven't heard you say you love him, and for sure he doesn't sound lovable in the least. I have seen you say you think he can't make it on his own or get better without you.

So unpacking that idea - how exactly is your staying so he can beat and/or strangle you going to help him get over his anger problem?
I do love my husband. And he has not yet ever laid a hand on me. But I have developed with him a zero tolerance for alcohol policy, so that it never gets to that point where he will hit me. I don't think my husband would ever hit me sober, but I am not so certain if he is drunk.
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:16 PM
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I have good news. I found an Al-Anon meeting tonight at 8:30 pm that works with my schedule and is pretty close by. Looking forward to it!
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:17 PM
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Good luck to you and I mean that sincerely.
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:28 PM
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Enjoy your meeting, Jb! I made some very good friends in Al-Anon.
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
I do love my husband. And he has not yet ever laid a hand on me. But I have developed with him a zero tolerance for alcohol policy, so that it never gets to that point where he will hit me. I don't think my husband would ever hit me sober, but I am not so certain if he is drunk.
Wow. I hope you read what you just wrote there someday and realize what twisted thinking this is.
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Old 11-26-2014, 10:33 PM
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Went to my first Al-Anon meeting, and I enjoyed listening to the experience of others, as it was very helpful. I was able to get a local phone list of people, so that was nice. Day by day.
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Old 11-27-2014, 02:47 AM
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I think that actions speak loudly.

So the good first: he was willing to listen to your dad set boundaries, he is going to AA

And the not so good... Your parents care about you and set a boundary for your well being with your husband. And you asked them to change that bc your H was upset. I did this too. Two Thanksgivings ago. My xAH and then H had given me a concussion. I told my mom. She banned him from her home for holidays and I sided with him and cut off yet another support source for myself.
No judgement here. I lived it. I understand the predicament you're in.

Also of concern: he won't go to counseling. And he is going to AA for others and not necessarily himself.

I think you know the answer to the question you posed of are you willing to stick to your boundaries with him if he does drink and that you're not sure of the answer.

It's a horrible position you're in and I have lived it. I know how hard it is. My experience tells me that I wish I had left much sooner than I did, before things got as bad as they did.



Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
Hi Everyone,

So my husband called me on Sunday, and we talked. I told him that I can no longer be with him if he drinks. He told me that he has done it once before and will give it another try. Didn't sound too confident, but at least he was being honest. So, I moved back into our apartment last night.

He told me that I can throw away all of the remaining beer and wine, which I did. My parents told me that they need to heal from what he did on Saturday to their daughter, and so he could not come over on Thanksgiving, which meant that I would be spending it with him alone. When I told him this, he said his feelings were hurt and that he wanted to spend it with my family. My dad agreed that he could come, but only after he apologized to my dad and my dad talked to him. On the phone that night, my dad told him that there are no more chances, there is zero tolerance for alcohol, and that he is ruining the family. My husband was able to listen.

My husband says he now has to stay sober. He is not willing to do any individual or marital counseling, but said that he will go to AA on Friday, which is his first day off. I am going to also encourage him to get a sponsor.

My mom, dad, and sister are fed up with him, and my sister said no more drinking will be tolerated by him, and that if I allow it again, I could possibly lose my family.

So, I have been laying and sitting in my bed all day today feeling nervous and apprehensive. These are my concerns:

1. I feel that my husband is getting sober for other people and not himself, which can make things more difficult for him.
2. If he does drink, do I truly believe I will honor my ultimatum and leave him? I'm not too sure.

The irony in all of this is that staying sober myself is proving to be so so much easier than worrying about my husband and our relationship. I never thought I would be caught up in such a situation earlier in my life. But this is very difficult.
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Old 11-27-2014, 03:12 AM
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I know that you care more than enough, as it seems YOU are doing all the work, he is not seeking help or ordering books, he is just going to work and smoking pot every night, getting angry at the TV or sitting in an AA meeting on his "day off from work". But the abusive language and the vocals that he was "going to snap your neck" should not be ignored.

Your "zero tolerance" is not going to do squat when he has you pinned down with his hands around your throat, or he sucker punches you so hard on the side of your face you think your jaw might be broken (this was my reality). You do not have control over him with your ultimatums that you think, it is just going to ramp up his resentment, because he is not addressing his real problems.

Yes, Mike that was the exact book, thanks for looking it up. JB, I do hope you decided to read it for YOURSELF. it seems everything you do is for him, babysitting him to go to AA meeting, "encouraging him to get a sponsor". But he is not willing to do anything other than go when it suits his schedule. He doesn't want you to have al anon because he doesn't want you to have any resources.

I don't know how you can live in peace if you have to watch his actions all the time and worry about protecting yourself. You need support for YOU, because being trapped and depressed, living daily dependent on your husbands moods and your father paying your rent is no way to live.

you sound like a smart woman who is more than capable of advancing herself and building a real life without all the garbage he brings you daily. Kudos that you stopped drinking to join him, this is a huge step forward too.
enjoy your family today and keep communicating with them daily.
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Old 11-27-2014, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Your "zero tolerance" is not going to do squat when he has you pinned down with his hands around your throat, or he sucker punches you so hard on the side of your face you think your jaw might be broken (this was my reality). You do not have control over him with your ultimatums that you think, it is just going to ramp up his resentment, because he is not addressing his real problems.
This.
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