So Sorry You Guys, But I Relapsed Back to Husband and Feeling VERY Anxious
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by desypete 
al anon is run by people who have the best skills in the world to deal with an alcoholic, there qualifications are called life skills and experience run by people who have all suffered in one way or another every type of abuse an alcoholic has given out so please dont try to run al anon down as i have nothing but the highest respect for it and what it does.
i enjoy the dual meetings we have of both sides alcoholic and al anon members sharing together its great to hear things from the other side and to see just what al anon members have had to deal with by sticking with there partner etc
so i would urge anyone to give al anon a try if there living with an alcoholic
they really do understand far more than so called professionals as they have there own life experiences to draw from which is a far cry from being taught about a subject in a class room
i enjoy the dual meetings we have of both sides alcoholic and al anon members sharing together its great to hear things from the other side and to see just what al anon members have had to deal with by sticking with there partner etc
so i would urge anyone to give al anon a try if there living with an alcoholic
they really do understand far more than so called professionals as they have there own life experiences to draw from which is a far cry from being taught about a subject in a class room
It is similar to AA members who tell other AA members to throw away their antidepressants, when that medication may be all that is preventing a suicide.
AA and Al-Anon each have a primary purpose, and both acknowledge that for certain problems, professional help is appropriate. Domestic violence is one of those problems.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
I called my parents no less than five times to move me out of the house my ABF and I shared due to his drinking. Can you imagine the insanity of that? The frustration of my parents having to drive 2 1/2 hours to come pick me up, only to drive me back a week later with all of my belongings and wave goodbye. They should have had me committed.... 
In fact, my mom was very close to trying to do so after the stress of everything culminated into some very serious emotional turmoil for me.
Learn from my my mistakes if you can: no amount of encouragement will get him sober. No amount of empty threats will protect you. If he is a violent drunk, he WILL continue to hurt you. When your parents say that they are sick of him and tell you that it's either them or him (and they WILL), choose them. I thought I could cut them out and be fine, being all martyr-like, and it made things beyond horrible.
You are not weak, pathetic, etc. You are sick. You are caught up in a toxic relationship and can't figure out how to separate from it. The very best thing I can tell you to improve your situation at the moment is to let your ABF decide what he wants to do about his disease, and you take care of you by reading some books on codependency and getting to AlAnon. By protecting him from the consequences (I.e. DUIs, total break downs, etc., you are taking from him the gift of desperation and THAT is the ONLY thing that can get him sober.)
Learning detachment and how to stand behind your boundaries by working an AlAnon program and addressing your codependency, maybe with a therapist, will make things easier the next time things come to this. And they certainly will. It will only get easier to leave him if you begin to think clearly and rationally, which I know you just cannot be right now.
*hugs* stay safe, ok?
In fact, my mom was very close to trying to do so after the stress of everything culminated into some very serious emotional turmoil for me. Learn from my my mistakes if you can: no amount of encouragement will get him sober. No amount of empty threats will protect you. If he is a violent drunk, he WILL continue to hurt you. When your parents say that they are sick of him and tell you that it's either them or him (and they WILL), choose them. I thought I could cut them out and be fine, being all martyr-like, and it made things beyond horrible.
You are not weak, pathetic, etc. You are sick. You are caught up in a toxic relationship and can't figure out how to separate from it. The very best thing I can tell you to improve your situation at the moment is to let your ABF decide what he wants to do about his disease, and you take care of you by reading some books on codependency and getting to AlAnon. By protecting him from the consequences (I.e. DUIs, total break downs, etc., you are taking from him the gift of desperation and THAT is the ONLY thing that can get him sober.)
Learning detachment and how to stand behind your boundaries by working an AlAnon program and addressing your codependency, maybe with a therapist, will make things easier the next time things come to this. And they certainly will. It will only get easier to leave him if you begin to think clearly and rationally, which I know you just cannot be right now.
*hugs* stay safe, ok?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by desypete
al anon is run by people who have the best skills in the world to deal with an alcoholic, there qualifications are called life skills and experience run by people who have all suffered in one way or another every type of abuse an alcoholic has given out so please dont try to run al anon down as i have nothing but the highest respect for it and what it does.
i enjoy the dual meetings we have of both sides alcoholic and al anon members sharing together its great to hear things from the other side and to see just what al anon members have had to deal with by sticking with there partner etc
so i would urge anyone to give al anon a try if there living with an alcoholic
they really do understand far more than so called professionals as they have there own life experiences to draw from which is a far cry from being taught about a subject in a class room
i enjoy the dual meetings we have of both sides alcoholic and al anon members sharing together its great to hear things from the other side and to see just what al anon members have had to deal with by sticking with there partner etc
so i would urge anyone to give al anon a try if there living with an alcoholic
they really do understand far more than so called professionals as they have there own life experiences to draw from which is a far cry from being taught about a subject in a class room
Safety has to be the first priority. Detaching or refusing to enable can actually put DV sufferers in greater danger from their abuser.
When someone threatens to "snap your neck", enjoying your favorite hobby or taking a nice hot bath is not going to keep you safe. Daily reading of Alanon literature is not going to prevent someone's hands from closing around your throat.
Safety first, then start working that recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And actually, I misspoke in my earlier post. I should not have said that your being there was "enabling him to continue to drink and to abuse you." He isn't abusive because you are "enabling" him to do so. The responsibility for that is all on him.
What I was reacting to, I think, was your relief that nothing bad happened to him. No one is holding him accountable. I'm not suggesting that responsibility for that rests on your shoulders, but it's frustrating to see someone who can terrorize another person--someone he is supposed to love and protect--without consequences. Sadly, those consequences sometimes only come to pass when a neighbor or family member calls the police and there is sufficient evidence--in the form of physical injuries to you--to make an arrest.
What I was reacting to, I think, was your relief that nothing bad happened to him. No one is holding him accountable. I'm not suggesting that responsibility for that rests on your shoulders, but it's frustrating to see someone who can terrorize another person--someone he is supposed to love and protect--without consequences. Sadly, those consequences sometimes only come to pass when a neighbor or family member calls the police and there is sufficient evidence--in the form of physical injuries to you--to make an arrest.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
As you mentioned a few days ago, you are barely a month sober yourself. I can't imagine you're acting in any frame of mind of what's best for you, so I'll spare any advice other than to get yourself to a DV center and a few AA meetings. It sounds like this is one of those times when you need to let others who are experienced with these things help you out. Give the family a break. Yes, they could stop if they wanted to, but we all know the manipulation of an active or barely sober A. Just saying. If you want serious help, go get it. He threatened to snap your neck. Chances are pretty good he'll follow through on that one of these days.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
You are lucky to have parents who love and support you. Dragging them in and out of your chaotic love life is not fair to them. It is taking advantage of their love for you and good nature to help you by continuing to go to them after they clearly cannot take it.
They set a reasonable boundary that you and ah were not to attend thanksgiving given the abuse and drama. You and ah do not respect this boundary and ask them if you can attend. THey give in to you, because they love you. You are taking advantage of them.
Not writing this to hurt you. It stands out and I am reading how you minimize their pain by saying they can set their own boundaries. Well, they did and you and AH manipulated their feelings and pushed yourselves across those boundaries.
They set a reasonable boundary that you and ah were not to attend thanksgiving given the abuse and drama. You and ah do not respect this boundary and ask them if you can attend. THey give in to you, because they love you. You are taking advantage of them.
Not writing this to hurt you. It stands out and I am reading how you minimize their pain by saying they can set their own boundaries. Well, they did and you and AH manipulated their feelings and pushed yourselves across those boundaries.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
JB,
Your post struck a cord with me. I am deeply concerned for you and I know that my time spent here typing this out will be wasted. I know this because we seem to have been in very similar situations. Both professionals and family members alike asked me to leave the relationship for my own safety and I did not heed their warnings.
My AXBF got black out drunk one night and for absolutely no reason pinned me down on my bed and started choking me. As I struggled to break free I realized I couldn't and that I was going to die. I remember that terror fill my chest as I struggled for breath.
I have no idea why he let me go as he had no recollection of the event. But, really did it matter why? I stayed with him for another year after that. How insanely stupid. I finally left him when I realized I had to make a choice of perserving my relationships with my family or this abuser. It was extremely difficult but I did it.
Something beautiful happened to me while I seperated myself from him over the period of a few months.. he began to lose power over me and I started to become enraged over all the horrible things he did to me. I was able to officially leave this relationship and pursue relationships with men that didn't want to hit me. The only way that could have happened is if I had put space between us. You need to choose your family and put space between you and your husband. You need time to think while working on your sobriety.
Please consider the alternative to my suggestion. I fear you will lose your life trying to save someone that you do not have the power to save. The more you cling to him the more damage you cause each other.
Your post struck a cord with me. I am deeply concerned for you and I know that my time spent here typing this out will be wasted. I know this because we seem to have been in very similar situations. Both professionals and family members alike asked me to leave the relationship for my own safety and I did not heed their warnings.
My AXBF got black out drunk one night and for absolutely no reason pinned me down on my bed and started choking me. As I struggled to break free I realized I couldn't and that I was going to die. I remember that terror fill my chest as I struggled for breath.
I have no idea why he let me go as he had no recollection of the event. But, really did it matter why? I stayed with him for another year after that. How insanely stupid. I finally left him when I realized I had to make a choice of perserving my relationships with my family or this abuser. It was extremely difficult but I did it.
Something beautiful happened to me while I seperated myself from him over the period of a few months.. he began to lose power over me and I started to become enraged over all the horrible things he did to me. I was able to officially leave this relationship and pursue relationships with men that didn't want to hit me. The only way that could have happened is if I had put space between us. You need to choose your family and put space between you and your husband. You need time to think while working on your sobriety.
Please consider the alternative to my suggestion. I fear you will lose your life trying to save someone that you do not have the power to save. The more you cling to him the more damage you cause each other.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by LexieCat
And actually, I misspoke in my earlier post. I should not have said that your being there was "enabling him to continue to drink and to abuse you." He isn't abusive because you are "enabling" him to do so. The responsibility for that is all on him.
What I was reacting to, I think, was your relief that nothing bad happened to him. No one is holding him accountable. I'm not suggesting that responsibility for that rests on your shoulders, but it's frustrating to see someone who can terrorize another person--someone he is supposed to love and protect--without consequences. Sadly, those consequences sometimes only come to pass when a neighbor or family member calls the police and there is sufficient evidence--in the form of physical injuries to you--to make an arrest.
What I was reacting to, I think, was your relief that nothing bad happened to him. No one is holding him accountable. I'm not suggesting that responsibility for that rests on your shoulders, but it's frustrating to see someone who can terrorize another person--someone he is supposed to love and protect--without consequences. Sadly, those consequences sometimes only come to pass when a neighbor or family member calls the police and there is sufficient evidence--in the form of physical injuries to you--to make an arrest.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It was a consequence, but not exactly the same as being held accountable. He said, "sorry" and you came back. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if that gets held against you at some point.
I've seen a lot of cases where the victim fights back, maybe even inflicts some damage on the abuser. When the police show up, the actual victim winds up getting arrested. Or the abuser waits until the next violent incident to inflict "payback" for the act of self-defense.
I've seen a lot of cases where the victim fights back, maybe even inflicts some damage on the abuser. When the police show up, the actual victim winds up getting arrested. Or the abuser waits until the next violent incident to inflict "payback" for the act of self-defense.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It was a consequence, but not exactly the same as being held accountable. He said, "sorry" and you came back. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if that gets held against you at some point.
I've seen a lot of cases where the victim fights back, maybe even inflicts some damage on the abuser. When the police show up, the actual victim winds up getting arrested. Or the abuser waits until the next violent incident to inflict "payback" for the act of self-defense.
I've seen a lot of cases where the victim fights back, maybe even inflicts some damage on the abuser. When the police show up, the actual victim winds up getting arrested. Or the abuser waits until the next violent incident to inflict "payback" for the act of self-defense.
I never did because I was terrified and I thought I loved him.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Thank you all for your posts. I finally was able to get out of bed and take a shower. Fortunately, I did not have to work today, but I will get some errands done in a bit. For those of you who posted that I need to stop taking advantage of my parent's love, I hear what your saying. At the same time, I need to self-preserve, and so I am actually more worried about myself than how my family is being drained. If they are fed up and feeling drained, then it is their choice to detach from me and not allow me to move back another time, but I am not going to make that decision for them.
When I had broken up with my husband on Saturday, I found out that he almost self-destructed that night (I tracked him at 6 am on on his iphone and saw where he was, which was not good). It's almost as if he had just given up b/c he did not have me by his side. Fortunately, he was able to make it home that night without getting a DUI or other police intervention. So why do I stay with him? Part of me is willing to sacrifice my own self to prevent his self-destruction...sounds really bad and codependent, but it is true, almost as if I am martyring myself for someone else. I need to explore why this "martyrdom" works for me. I had stated earlier in the post that I need to self-preserve, so in a way I am somehow self-preserving by saving him. Is it possible that it would "kill" me to see someone I used to be so close to self-destruct and ruin their life? Possibly........
In bed last night, we snuggled and talked. He threw in some blame here and there, but I explained to him where I had been coming from, which he was able to listen to because he was sober.
This is a very difficult, complicated situation. I wish I could heed most of your advice and leave and not come back, but I just cannot. And that is what I need to explore in Al-Anon.
All I can say is that it will be nice to not have alcohol in the house tonight, and I don't have to sit and watch tv while he drinks. I am going to enjoy that moment for now. Day by day, day by day.............................
When I had broken up with my husband on Saturday, I found out that he almost self-destructed that night (I tracked him at 6 am on on his iphone and saw where he was, which was not good). It's almost as if he had just given up b/c he did not have me by his side. Fortunately, he was able to make it home that night without getting a DUI or other police intervention. So why do I stay with him? Part of me is willing to sacrifice my own self to prevent his self-destruction...sounds really bad and codependent, but it is true, almost as if I am martyring myself for someone else. I need to explore why this "martyrdom" works for me. I had stated earlier in the post that I need to self-preserve, so in a way I am somehow self-preserving by saving him. Is it possible that it would "kill" me to see someone I used to be so close to self-destruct and ruin their life? Possibly........
In bed last night, we snuggled and talked. He threw in some blame here and there, but I explained to him where I had been coming from, which he was able to listen to because he was sober.
This is a very difficult, complicated situation. I wish I could heed most of your advice and leave and not come back, but I just cannot. And that is what I need to explore in Al-Anon.
All I can say is that it will be nice to not have alcohol in the house tonight, and I don't have to sit and watch tv while he drinks. I am going to enjoy that moment for now. Day by day, day by day.............................
I hope i am wrong, but i believe his next drunken angry episode is around the corner, he is not committed to sobriety ( he will *try*). He is appeasing you to get what he wants.
You are NOT powerful enough to "save" him from " self destruction ", and when you see this you may get angry yourself. Also in this drama you are destroying your relationship and disrespecting your parents big time by forcing your abusive husband into their home for thanksgivIng dinner! Really? Your husband's "hurt feelings" after he threatens physical violence, repeatedly insults them to you, calls you names all within the last week, and he thinks he is ENTITLED to sit down to dinner with them?
think about what is really going on here.
I hope i am wrong, but you jumped back into this drama because maybe you want control, as you did last week when you tried to limit him to 2 beers, which started his anger to ramp up and you are his target.
It is going to escalate if his pattern continues and he does not get real professional help. He has as much control as a 9 year old, he does not have a wife, you are the babysitter.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Al-Anon members are very qualified to help someone cope with living with alcoholism, but they are NOT professionals in dealing with domestic violence. They may have experienced it themselves, but that doesn't make them qualified to provide safety planning and legal services that may be necessary to survive and escape an abusive relationship. The wrong advice can get someone killed.
It is similar to AA members who tell other AA members to throw away their antidepressants, when that medication may be all that is preventing a suicide.
AA and Al-Anon each have a primary purpose, and both acknowledge that for certain problems, professional help is appropriate. Domestic violence is one of those problems.
It is similar to AA members who tell other AA members to throw away their antidepressants, when that medication may be all that is preventing a suicide.
AA and Al-Anon each have a primary purpose, and both acknowledge that for certain problems, professional help is appropriate. Domestic violence is one of those problems.
are there any al anon members who use this site who have turned things around with there partners and there still together ? as it would be great to hear from someone like that on here,
i am not an al anon memeber but from what i hear from couples who use both aa and al anon they seem to be able to turn there lives around and do a good job
so again i would urge you to give al anon a try you will find people there who have been in exactly the same situation you are in and there experience can help
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
So, I have been laying and sitting in my bed all day today feeling nervous and apprehensive. These are my concerns:
1. I feel that my husband is getting sober for other people and not himself, which can make things more difficult for him.
2. If he does drink, do I truly believe I will honor my ultimatum and leave him? I'm not too sure.
The irony in all of this is that staying sober myself is proving to be so so much easier than worrying about my husband and our relationship. I never thought I would be caught up in such a situation earlier in my life. But this is very difficult.
1. I feel that my husband is getting sober for other people and not himself, which can make things more difficult for him.
2. If he does drink, do I truly believe I will honor my ultimatum and leave him? I'm not too sure.
The irony in all of this is that staying sober myself is proving to be so so much easier than worrying about my husband and our relationship. I never thought I would be caught up in such a situation earlier in my life. But this is very difficult.
Ultimatums don't work if you don't follow thru with them.
I found the title of your thread very interesting and very true. We relapse with booze, you relapse with us. The rollercoaster is constantly going because we aren't ready to get off the ride. There is always that little hope that we can turn the relationship around with the booze, that it will be okay if we can just learn to manage it. We do that with relationships with people that are addicted too. "It will be different this time" and we all know really how it turns out.
Only you can decide for yourself when you have had enough. I had to get to the point where I was done with the booze and ready to kick it's butt to the curb. I did it for me. You have to get to the point in the relationship that you will do it for you.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and remember to look after and put yourself first.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by desypete
what sort of qualification do you need to be a professional in domestic violence ?
I have worked in this field since 1999, and currently train police, DV advocates, attorneys and prosecutors, judges, medical professionals, and others. It is a multi-faceted problem and a very, very dangerous one. If you look up statistics on how many victims are ultimately killed by their abusers it is shocking. I recently read that the number-one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
To get some perspective on how dangerous your AH is or is not, try googling "Mosaic threat assessment". You'll get an on-line totally confidential series of questions to determine how likely or not likely a person is to commit further violence.
This tool is used by police departments, including the Capitol police in Washington D.C. for Congress, to get an idea of whether a person is likely to continue to be violent.
It will add some degree of objectivity about how you feel about your husband's behavior and threats.
ShootingStar1
This tool is used by police departments, including the Capitol police in Washington D.C. for Congress, to get an idea of whether a person is likely to continue to be violent.
It will add some degree of objectivity about how you feel about your husband's behavior and threats.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
Posts: 106
If it is ok to suggest this,Paul Crowse provides a lot of straight to the point information on abuse,enabling and codependency behaviours in addictive relaionships-I've found a lot of what he writes to be very helpful-he doesn't beat around the bush,just says it as it is which can be useful in breaking through denial-and you are in denial,do you know that?
Suggestions you have received about keeping yourself safe need to be taken seriously
for your own welfare.
I'm not judging you-I'm in no position to do so-but I am learning,and that is what you need to do for yourself too.
Also,re-ShootingStar's suggestion-I did this recently and it frightened me,but I think I needed that.
Take care.
Suggestions you have received about keeping yourself safe need to be taken seriously
for your own welfare.
I'm not judging you-I'm in no position to do so-but I am learning,and that is what you need to do for yourself too.
Also,re-ShootingStar's suggestion-I did this recently and it frightened me,but I think I needed that.
Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You talk of "self preservation" and how that is where you are right now.
You selfishly state how you will continue to put your parents through this, and they can detach if they are so inclined.
If you are serious about preserving yourself and taking care of number 1 regardless who you hurt in the process then get the hell away from your husband and to a DV shelter.
That would be the best self preservation there is.
You selfishly state how you will continue to put your parents through this, and they can detach if they are so inclined.
If you are serious about preserving yourself and taking care of number 1 regardless who you hurt in the process then get the hell away from your husband and to a DV shelter.
That would be the best self preservation there is.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by MissFixit
You are lucky to have parents who love and support you. Dragging them in and out of your chaotic love life is not fair to them. It is taking advantage of their love for you and good nature to help you by continuing to go to them after they clearly cannot take it.
They set a reasonable boundary that you and ah were not to attend thanksgiving given the abuse and drama. You and ah do not respect this boundary and ask them if you can attend. THey give in to you, because they love you. You are taking advantage of them.
Not writing this to hurt you. It stands out and I am reading how you minimize their pain by saying they can set their own boundaries. Well, they did and you and AH manipulated their feelings and pushed yourselves across those boundaries.
They set a reasonable boundary that you and ah were not to attend thanksgiving given the abuse and drama. You and ah do not respect this boundary and ask them if you can attend. THey give in to you, because they love you. You are taking advantage of them.
Not writing this to hurt you. It stands out and I am reading how you minimize their pain by saying they can set their own boundaries. Well, they did and you and AH manipulated their feelings and pushed yourselves across those boundaries.
^This. And I have to wonder what part of "self-preservation" includes returning for more abuse? You are kinda contradicting yourself there....... why would your plan B include possibly alienating the people that love & support you throughout all of this madness, seemingly without judgment? That is a rare & beautiful thing to have in life so I hope you see it for the gift that it is.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by Fandy
He is still resentful, disrespectful and still blaming you, you seem to still be trying to control him. He refuses to take action and you keep taking on the job of his sobriety.
I hope i am wrong, but i believe his next drunken angry episode is around the corner, he is not committed to sobriety ( he will *try*). He is appeasing you to get what he wants.
You are NOT powerful enough to "save" him from " self destruction ", and when you see this you may get angry yourself. Also in this drama you are destroying your relationship and disrespecting your parents big time by forcing your abusive husband into their home for thanksgivIng dinner! Really? Your husband's "hurt feelings" after he threatens physical violence, repeatedly insults them to you, calls you names all within the last week, and he thinks he is ENTITLED to sit down to dinner with them?
think about what is really going on here.
I hope i am wrong, but you jumped back into this drama because maybe you want control, as you did last week when you tried to limit him to 2 beers, which started his anger to ramp up and you are his target.
It is going to escalate if his pattern continues and he does not get real professional help. He has as much control as a 9 year old, he does not have a wife, you are the babysitter.
I hope i am wrong, but i believe his next drunken angry episode is around the corner, he is not committed to sobriety ( he will *try*). He is appeasing you to get what he wants.
You are NOT powerful enough to "save" him from " self destruction ", and when you see this you may get angry yourself. Also in this drama you are destroying your relationship and disrespecting your parents big time by forcing your abusive husband into their home for thanksgivIng dinner! Really? Your husband's "hurt feelings" after he threatens physical violence, repeatedly insults them to you, calls you names all within the last week, and he thinks he is ENTITLED to sit down to dinner with them?
think about what is really going on here.
I hope i am wrong, but you jumped back into this drama because maybe you want control, as you did last week when you tried to limit him to 2 beers, which started his anger to ramp up and you are his target.
It is going to escalate if his pattern continues and he does not get real professional help. He has as much control as a 9 year old, he does not have a wife, you are the babysitter.
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