He's now ended it and I am devastated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
WE have to learn to be able to get OUT of a relationship with minimal pain and anguish. WE have to learn what OVER means. to accept REALITY. and to accept others EXACTLY as they are not as we wish they would be for our benefit.
if an alcoholic can't quit dirnking, then it is considered a problem and they are adivised to get HELP.
if you can't let him go, this could also be considered a problem and you would do well to get some help. i'm not saying your mental or need a trip to the pysch ward, but help in learning how to be3 a self contained unit, to think of yourself and your own life first and not be obsessed with someone you can't have........
what is going on in your life that you are NOT paying attention to but instead staying focused on him??? cuz bottom line, this isn't really about him......it's about something inside of you that needs attention but you aren't present enough inside yourself to deal with it.
if an alcoholic can't quit dirnking, then it is considered a problem and they are adivised to get HELP.
if you can't let him go, this could also be considered a problem and you would do well to get some help. i'm not saying your mental or need a trip to the pysch ward, but help in learning how to be3 a self contained unit, to think of yourself and your own life first and not be obsessed with someone you can't have........
what is going on in your life that you are NOT paying attention to but instead staying focused on him??? cuz bottom line, this isn't really about him......it's about something inside of you that needs attention but you aren't present enough inside yourself to deal with it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
correctly my own spelling - geez
DRINKING not dirnking
YOU'RE not your
BE not be3
DRINKING not dirnking
YOU'RE not your
BE not be3
Which sounds sorta like I'm insulting everyone, what with all the talk about quacking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
He may feel that he knows how you'll react and is using that against you. If he can predict your responses, he can mess with your head. Maybe you should throw him off a bit and be unpredictable. He seems to be testing you, to see if he can control you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Do yourself a favor and start to educate yourself about what might be going on with you, and how to help yourself:
CoDependency & Love Addiction
"Disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on relationships.
Love Addicts obsessively think about, want to be with, touch, talk to, and listen to their partners. They rate this person as superior to themselves, or having more power. They make this person their Higher Power, but rarely know this is happening.
Unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from other person.
Love Addicts want to be cared for and treasured by another, and are always disappointed. No one can satisfy their insatiable desires. They will go to great lengths to get partners to fulfill the big fantasy they have been holding in their minds for so long. They get very angry when their fantasy isn’t matched.
Neglect to care for or value self while in relationship. – even if they can fare perfectly well when alone. A common example is a man who never learns to do basic household things, preferring to depend on his partner."
Recovering from Love Addiction... Help for Love Addicts- Recover, Heal, Overcome Obsessive Love, LEARN - GROW - RECOVER - Love Relationship Withdrawal - Obsessive Thoughts, Painful symptoms love addicts experience during a Break Up, Love Loss
"Ironically and unconsciously, one powerful way love addicts hold on to denial (denial is often strongly present during withdrawal) is through obsession. Obsessions come in many forms and may include fantasies about recapturing the romantic relationship--the magical person they lost, the good times, sex, passion, chemistry, intensity--while ignoring or filtering the truth that it was more chaos than bliss."
You might find, as I once did, that you identify with the feelings and behaviors described. It was like being smacked in the face when I read these things--I couldn't believe somebody had put into words what I was thinking and feeling. I stayed stuck for the better part of a year in this cycle until I was finally able to honestly come to terms with the reality and begin to work towards changing the pattern.
CoDependency & Love Addiction
"Disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on relationships.
Love Addicts obsessively think about, want to be with, touch, talk to, and listen to their partners. They rate this person as superior to themselves, or having more power. They make this person their Higher Power, but rarely know this is happening.
Unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from other person.
Love Addicts want to be cared for and treasured by another, and are always disappointed. No one can satisfy their insatiable desires. They will go to great lengths to get partners to fulfill the big fantasy they have been holding in their minds for so long. They get very angry when their fantasy isn’t matched.
Neglect to care for or value self while in relationship. – even if they can fare perfectly well when alone. A common example is a man who never learns to do basic household things, preferring to depend on his partner."
Recovering from Love Addiction... Help for Love Addicts- Recover, Heal, Overcome Obsessive Love, LEARN - GROW - RECOVER - Love Relationship Withdrawal - Obsessive Thoughts, Painful symptoms love addicts experience during a Break Up, Love Loss
"Ironically and unconsciously, one powerful way love addicts hold on to denial (denial is often strongly present during withdrawal) is through obsession. Obsessions come in many forms and may include fantasies about recapturing the romantic relationship--the magical person they lost, the good times, sex, passion, chemistry, intensity--while ignoring or filtering the truth that it was more chaos than bliss."
You might find, as I once did, that you identify with the feelings and behaviors described. It was like being smacked in the face when I read these things--I couldn't believe somebody had put into words what I was thinking and feeling. I stayed stuck for the better part of a year in this cycle until I was finally able to honestly come to terms with the reality and begin to work towards changing the pattern.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Thanks for all your responses, I am overwhelmed when I come here and see them. Some I don't like to read but I am glad of and need the honesty.
I am addicted to this relationship and obsessed with it and I don't know when or why this happened. In previous relationships I was still my own person, and so much so that I ended them because I liked my independence and didn't feel as if the relationship was what I wanted anymore.
To update you on the story- we have continued talking and it's the same kind of pattern, it's ok for a while and then it just breaks down into arguments. He was offered a place in rehab but is not willing to take it because he was told that no phones were allowed for 3 months and no contact for 2 months. He says he can't do this because he can't have no contact with me and it will drive him insane not knowing what I am doing- whether this is actually his valid reason or just an excuse I don't know. It seems like he doesn't want me to move on, maybe not even for the sake of the relationship,but just because while he's in there he can't move on.
He decided that he would start AA and we have argued since he went to his first meeting as I was accused of not caring and being 'normal' because I didn't call him straight after. I didn't even know what time the meeting finished and am I being unfair saying that 1 meeting doesn't change the world?
I am really disappointed that he doesn't choose to go to rehab- for himself, to get his life on track. He's not drank for over a week but I know and have experienced that that means nothing and it could happen again at any time. I know rehab is about him and not me and that's what I tried to explain to him and reason with him but he doesn't see the positive of doing it because he will be cut off from the world.
I felt like I was making some progress for a day of two because I simply told him that if he was going to be rude I just didn't want to speak. However I told him that he should apologise for the AA conversation that I didn't call and he says I should apologise for not calling and I use all the drink stuff against him to hide when I am wrong about anything and avoid saying sorry myself- so we are just at stalemate again.
Yesterday I was obsessing over where he was and with who. Last night he was doing the same with me. There is zero trust between us both and I just don't see how that gets any better.
One minute I am ok and feel that I have the strength to not let him affect me so much and I need to work on me but the next I am just back to obsessing about him moving on (as he does about me). It actually made me think that if he does sleep with someone else he will tell me that is my fault too because he will do it thinking I'm doing it or I pushed him into it- I've told him that. What type of relationship is that? Why am I so obsessed by it all?
I keep reading lots and lots of things and I think yes that describes the relationship or me or whatever but now I know that it's changing the way I think and do things and that's the hardest part. I told him I had to do some work on myself and I would go to al anon and he told me that basically I would be told to leave him- I explained that AA and al anon work on the same steps so if that was the case we would both be told that.
I just spend so much time involved in all his stuff and he is always so emotionally un available to me- I can cry down the phone and there are no words of comfort. Never how am I? What's going on with me? Just always about him but he can NEVER see that.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this and I've probably just repeated myself. I guess I just find it helps sometimes to write stuff down. I feel like all the things that he was in the relationship- obsessive, jealous, controlling I am now displaying and that's not the person I was or want to be. It's just so hard.
Last night I was accused of seeing someone else because I just didn't want to speak to him unless his attitude was better towards me- it always seems to be about me seeing so,done else or something as opposed to him being able to look and think well maybe she doesn't wanna speak cos I'm so horrible. What annoys me more is the friends he spends some time with have no idea of what he can actually be like and all feel bad for him, comfort him and it get told well at least they are there for him as if me being there after everything he has done means nothing- what a joke.
After accusing me last night he told me 'it's done' because he can't keep feeling how he does but he also threatened me that basically if I was gonna play games I should see what he's capable of. I can only imagine.
I'm hoping to start an al anon group next week- there are rally not many in my area and I'm not sure how helpful once a week would be but I'm willing to try to get some clarity.
Thanks for reading, sorry I'm a broken record.
I am addicted to this relationship and obsessed with it and I don't know when or why this happened. In previous relationships I was still my own person, and so much so that I ended them because I liked my independence and didn't feel as if the relationship was what I wanted anymore.
To update you on the story- we have continued talking and it's the same kind of pattern, it's ok for a while and then it just breaks down into arguments. He was offered a place in rehab but is not willing to take it because he was told that no phones were allowed for 3 months and no contact for 2 months. He says he can't do this because he can't have no contact with me and it will drive him insane not knowing what I am doing- whether this is actually his valid reason or just an excuse I don't know. It seems like he doesn't want me to move on, maybe not even for the sake of the relationship,but just because while he's in there he can't move on.
He decided that he would start AA and we have argued since he went to his first meeting as I was accused of not caring and being 'normal' because I didn't call him straight after. I didn't even know what time the meeting finished and am I being unfair saying that 1 meeting doesn't change the world?
I am really disappointed that he doesn't choose to go to rehab- for himself, to get his life on track. He's not drank for over a week but I know and have experienced that that means nothing and it could happen again at any time. I know rehab is about him and not me and that's what I tried to explain to him and reason with him but he doesn't see the positive of doing it because he will be cut off from the world.
I felt like I was making some progress for a day of two because I simply told him that if he was going to be rude I just didn't want to speak. However I told him that he should apologise for the AA conversation that I didn't call and he says I should apologise for not calling and I use all the drink stuff against him to hide when I am wrong about anything and avoid saying sorry myself- so we are just at stalemate again.
Yesterday I was obsessing over where he was and with who. Last night he was doing the same with me. There is zero trust between us both and I just don't see how that gets any better.
One minute I am ok and feel that I have the strength to not let him affect me so much and I need to work on me but the next I am just back to obsessing about him moving on (as he does about me). It actually made me think that if he does sleep with someone else he will tell me that is my fault too because he will do it thinking I'm doing it or I pushed him into it- I've told him that. What type of relationship is that? Why am I so obsessed by it all?
I keep reading lots and lots of things and I think yes that describes the relationship or me or whatever but now I know that it's changing the way I think and do things and that's the hardest part. I told him I had to do some work on myself and I would go to al anon and he told me that basically I would be told to leave him- I explained that AA and al anon work on the same steps so if that was the case we would both be told that.
I just spend so much time involved in all his stuff and he is always so emotionally un available to me- I can cry down the phone and there are no words of comfort. Never how am I? What's going on with me? Just always about him but he can NEVER see that.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this and I've probably just repeated myself. I guess I just find it helps sometimes to write stuff down. I feel like all the things that he was in the relationship- obsessive, jealous, controlling I am now displaying and that's not the person I was or want to be. It's just so hard.
Last night I was accused of seeing someone else because I just didn't want to speak to him unless his attitude was better towards me- it always seems to be about me seeing so,done else or something as opposed to him being able to look and think well maybe she doesn't wanna speak cos I'm so horrible. What annoys me more is the friends he spends some time with have no idea of what he can actually be like and all feel bad for him, comfort him and it get told well at least they are there for him as if me being there after everything he has done means nothing- what a joke.
After accusing me last night he told me 'it's done' because he can't keep feeling how he does but he also threatened me that basically if I was gonna play games I should see what he's capable of. I can only imagine.
I'm hoping to start an al anon group next week- there are rally not many in my area and I'm not sure how helpful once a week would be but I'm willing to try to get some clarity.
Thanks for reading, sorry I'm a broken record.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you're on the right track with Al-Anon. It will help you separate you from him, and this relationship that you rightly see as an obsession.
I think alcoholism inspires this idea in a lot of us that we need to "fight" for this relationship because the alcohol is like a romantic rival--we want to WIN. But it's not our battle to fight. And the alcohol will kick our butts every time unless and until HE decides the fight is over. That puts us constantly in reaction mode, and we just wind up in the same cycle, over and over.
Hugs, I think the meetings will help a lot. Maybe try to squeeze in an extra one here and there--I think it will do you a lot of good.
I think alcoholism inspires this idea in a lot of us that we need to "fight" for this relationship because the alcohol is like a romantic rival--we want to WIN. But it's not our battle to fight. And the alcohol will kick our butts every time unless and until HE decides the fight is over. That puts us constantly in reaction mode, and we just wind up in the same cycle, over and over.
Hugs, I think the meetings will help a lot. Maybe try to squeeze in an extra one here and there--I think it will do you a lot of good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
Constantly saving someone is very addicting. I know because I experienced it myself.
This relationship is different from your previous relationships because it gives you purpose outside of yourself.
If you can imagine a Venn diagram of a healthy relationship it would be two circles that meet somewhere in the middle. The circle on the left is you, on the right is him.. and where the circles overlap somewhere in the middle is the relationship.
The Venn diagram of your relationship is now just two circles stacked perfectly one on top of the other. The top one is him.. and the bottom one is you. The problem with this diagram is that you can clearly see his circle but not yours. Because his circle IS the entirety of the relationship.. You are the bottom circle that can't be seen. You have defined your identity by how you can save him.
There is a difference between loving someone, and saving someone. Love is very powerful, but when you mix love and rescue together, the situation becomes exponentially more powerful. Feeling loved and wanted is wonderful. Feeling loved by someone who NEEDS you for survival is a very dubious and addicting feeling of power, responsibility, duty, and purpose. This is why it is so much harder to break away from the feelings.
Imagine the love people have for a newborn baby. That intense and wonderful feeling of love is accompanied with feelings of power, responsibility, duty, and purpose.
If a newborn baby came into the world with the ability to take care of itself, I imagine the dynamic of the love relationship might be much different.
You've been taking care of your "helpless baby". This is much less adorable when the helpless baby is a grown man.
Maybe?
This relationship is different from your previous relationships because it gives you purpose outside of yourself.
If you can imagine a Venn diagram of a healthy relationship it would be two circles that meet somewhere in the middle. The circle on the left is you, on the right is him.. and where the circles overlap somewhere in the middle is the relationship.
The Venn diagram of your relationship is now just two circles stacked perfectly one on top of the other. The top one is him.. and the bottom one is you. The problem with this diagram is that you can clearly see his circle but not yours. Because his circle IS the entirety of the relationship.. You are the bottom circle that can't be seen. You have defined your identity by how you can save him.
There is a difference between loving someone, and saving someone. Love is very powerful, but when you mix love and rescue together, the situation becomes exponentially more powerful. Feeling loved and wanted is wonderful. Feeling loved by someone who NEEDS you for survival is a very dubious and addicting feeling of power, responsibility, duty, and purpose. This is why it is so much harder to break away from the feelings.
Imagine the love people have for a newborn baby. That intense and wonderful feeling of love is accompanied with feelings of power, responsibility, duty, and purpose.
If a newborn baby came into the world with the ability to take care of itself, I imagine the dynamic of the love relationship might be much different.
You've been taking care of your "helpless baby". This is much less adorable when the helpless baby is a grown man.
Maybe?
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Well, you haven't even gotten to Alanon and I'm telling you to leave him.
Run away.
Your life is and will be hell with him.
Run away.
Your life is and will be hell with him.
Originally Posted by Jane11
Thanks for all your responses, I am overwhelmed when I come here and see them. Some I don't like to read but I am glad of and need the honesty.
I am addicted to this relationship and obsessed with it and I don't know when or why this happened. In previous relationships I was still my own person, and so much so that I ended them because I liked my independence and didn't feel as if the relationship was what I wanted anymore.
To update you on the story- we have continued talking and it's the same kind of pattern, it's ok for a while and then it just breaks down into arguments. He was offered a place in rehab but is not willing to take it because he was told that no phones were allowed for 3 months and no contact for 2 months. He says he can't do this because he can't have no contact with me and it will drive him insane not knowing what I am doing- whether this is actually his valid reason or just an excuse I don't know. It seems like he doesn't want me to move on, maybe not even for the sake of the relationship,but just because while he's in there he can't move on.
He decided that he would start AA and we have argued since he went to his first meeting as I was accused of not caring and being 'normal' because I didn't call him straight after. I didn't even know what time the meeting finished and am I being unfair saying that 1 meeting doesn't change the world?
I am really disappointed that he doesn't choose to go to rehab- for himself, to get his life on track. He's not drank for over a week but I know and have experienced that that means nothing and it could happen again at any time. I know rehab is about him and not me and that's what I tried to explain to him and reason with him but he doesn't see the positive of doing it because he will be cut off from the world.
I felt like I was making some progress for a day of two because I simply told him that if he was going to be rude I just didn't want to speak. However I told him that he should apologise for the AA conversation that I didn't call and he says I should apologise for not calling and I use all the drink stuff against him to hide when I am wrong about anything and avoid saying sorry myself- so we are just at stalemate again.
Yesterday I was obsessing over where he was and with who. Last night he was doing the same with me. There is zero trust between us both and I just don't see how that gets any better.
One minute I am ok and feel that I have the strength to not let him affect me so much and I need to work on me but the next I am just back to obsessing about him moving on (as he does about me). It actually made me think that if he does sleep with someone else he will tell me that is my fault too because he will do it thinking I'm doing it or I pushed him into it- I've told him that. What type of relationship is that? Why am I so obsessed by it all?
I keep reading lots and lots of things and I think yes that describes the relationship or me or whatever but now I know that it's changing the way I think and do things and that's the hardest part. I told him I had to do some work on myself and I would go to al anon and he told me that basically I would be told to leave him- I explained that AA and al anon work on the same steps so if that was the case we would both be told that.
I just spend so much time involved in all his stuff and he is always so emotionally un available to me- I can cry down the phone and there are no words of comfort. Never how am I? What's going on with me? Just always about him but he can NEVER see that.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this and I've probably just repeated myself. I guess I just find it helps sometimes to write stuff down. I feel like all the things that he was in the relationship- obsessive, jealous, controlling I am now displaying and that's not the person I was or want to be. It's just so hard.
Last night I was accused of seeing someone else because I just didn't want to speak to him unless his attitude was better towards me- it always seems to be about me seeing so,done else or something as opposed to him being able to look and think well maybe she doesn't wanna speak cos I'm so horrible. What annoys me more is the friends he spends some time with have no idea of what he can actually be like and all feel bad for him, comfort him and it get told well at least they are there for him as if me being there after everything he has done means nothing- what a joke.
After accusing me last night he told me 'it's done' because he can't keep feeling how he does but he also threatened me that basically if I was gonna play games I should see what he's capable of. I can only imagine.
I'm hoping to start an al anon group next week- there are rally not many in my area and I'm not sure how helpful once a week would be but I'm willing to try to get some clarity.
Thanks for reading, sorry I'm a broken record.
I am addicted to this relationship and obsessed with it and I don't know when or why this happened. In previous relationships I was still my own person, and so much so that I ended them because I liked my independence and didn't feel as if the relationship was what I wanted anymore.
To update you on the story- we have continued talking and it's the same kind of pattern, it's ok for a while and then it just breaks down into arguments. He was offered a place in rehab but is not willing to take it because he was told that no phones were allowed for 3 months and no contact for 2 months. He says he can't do this because he can't have no contact with me and it will drive him insane not knowing what I am doing- whether this is actually his valid reason or just an excuse I don't know. It seems like he doesn't want me to move on, maybe not even for the sake of the relationship,but just because while he's in there he can't move on.
He decided that he would start AA and we have argued since he went to his first meeting as I was accused of not caring and being 'normal' because I didn't call him straight after. I didn't even know what time the meeting finished and am I being unfair saying that 1 meeting doesn't change the world?
I am really disappointed that he doesn't choose to go to rehab- for himself, to get his life on track. He's not drank for over a week but I know and have experienced that that means nothing and it could happen again at any time. I know rehab is about him and not me and that's what I tried to explain to him and reason with him but he doesn't see the positive of doing it because he will be cut off from the world.
I felt like I was making some progress for a day of two because I simply told him that if he was going to be rude I just didn't want to speak. However I told him that he should apologise for the AA conversation that I didn't call and he says I should apologise for not calling and I use all the drink stuff against him to hide when I am wrong about anything and avoid saying sorry myself- so we are just at stalemate again.
Yesterday I was obsessing over where he was and with who. Last night he was doing the same with me. There is zero trust between us both and I just don't see how that gets any better.
One minute I am ok and feel that I have the strength to not let him affect me so much and I need to work on me but the next I am just back to obsessing about him moving on (as he does about me). It actually made me think that if he does sleep with someone else he will tell me that is my fault too because he will do it thinking I'm doing it or I pushed him into it- I've told him that. What type of relationship is that? Why am I so obsessed by it all?
I keep reading lots and lots of things and I think yes that describes the relationship or me or whatever but now I know that it's changing the way I think and do things and that's the hardest part. I told him I had to do some work on myself and I would go to al anon and he told me that basically I would be told to leave him- I explained that AA and al anon work on the same steps so if that was the case we would both be told that.
I just spend so much time involved in all his stuff and he is always so emotionally un available to me- I can cry down the phone and there are no words of comfort. Never how am I? What's going on with me? Just always about him but he can NEVER see that.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this and I've probably just repeated myself. I guess I just find it helps sometimes to write stuff down. I feel like all the things that he was in the relationship- obsessive, jealous, controlling I am now displaying and that's not the person I was or want to be. It's just so hard.
Last night I was accused of seeing someone else because I just didn't want to speak to him unless his attitude was better towards me- it always seems to be about me seeing so,done else or something as opposed to him being able to look and think well maybe she doesn't wanna speak cos I'm so horrible. What annoys me more is the friends he spends some time with have no idea of what he can actually be like and all feel bad for him, comfort him and it get told well at least they are there for him as if me being there after everything he has done means nothing- what a joke.
After accusing me last night he told me 'it's done' because he can't keep feeling how he does but he also threatened me that basically if I was gonna play games I should see what he's capable of. I can only imagine.
I'm hoping to start an al anon group next week- there are rally not many in my area and I'm not sure how helpful once a week would be but I'm willing to try to get some clarity.
Thanks for reading, sorry I'm a broken record.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
This is a dynamic that will be very difficult to free yourself from emotionally. Not only is it harder to end the relationship, but it will be harder, and take longer, to get over it. Eventually you will start seeing the roses thorns more than you see the pedals. However, you will get beyond the emotions. And when you do, which I guarantee you will, you will stop thinking about him almost completely. And in the moments you do think about him and the relationship... you will be so glad that you escaped the situation and you will kick yourself for all your wasted time and energy. If you allow it, this man will continue feed on your soul. This is a black hole of need, which can never be filled. If you allow it, this situation will continue to eat your soul until you have nothing left.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I'm sorry if I sound harsh and I know I shouldn't be telling you what to do but I've been there done that and it's such a waste of time and energy dealing with these people. It's just the ultimate in giving our power away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
((Hugs))
One day at a time. A lot of people have suggested no contact. I am one of them b/c it doesn't sound like you get anywhere when you talk to him. He blames you for everything. It is not your job to be his AA cheerleader and call him after a meeting.
However, I understand that no contact might be hard for you b/c you are BOTH addicted to each other. This is not a healthy relationship. You will not be able to heal each other. You will make each other sicker.
I suggest starting with one goal/boundary that you can live with right now. For me, I can silence my phone after ten. That way if anything pops up from my ex late in the evening, I am not tempted to respond. I don't see it until morning. Its funny b/c I have put her number on reject, then took it off, but something happened with my phone b/c even though I took her off reject, her calls still don't go through. That's my HP telling me it's not time yet. I can get calls from anyone else but her.
The other thing I did which sounds stupid but it is working is that i changed her pic on my phone. It used to be of her from a vacation we took - I was mad at her so I changed it to the arse end of a buffalo. When i do need to call her I see that buffalo ass and it makes me chuckle, which releases tension.
Maybe you're not ready to cut him 100% loose today and that's OK. but you need to do something different for yourself or you're going to stay stuck. A 1000 mile journey begins with one step, right?
One day at a time. A lot of people have suggested no contact. I am one of them b/c it doesn't sound like you get anywhere when you talk to him. He blames you for everything. It is not your job to be his AA cheerleader and call him after a meeting.
However, I understand that no contact might be hard for you b/c you are BOTH addicted to each other. This is not a healthy relationship. You will not be able to heal each other. You will make each other sicker.
I suggest starting with one goal/boundary that you can live with right now. For me, I can silence my phone after ten. That way if anything pops up from my ex late in the evening, I am not tempted to respond. I don't see it until morning. Its funny b/c I have put her number on reject, then took it off, but something happened with my phone b/c even though I took her off reject, her calls still don't go through. That's my HP telling me it's not time yet. I can get calls from anyone else but her.
The other thing I did which sounds stupid but it is working is that i changed her pic on my phone. It used to be of her from a vacation we took - I was mad at her so I changed it to the arse end of a buffalo. When i do need to call her I see that buffalo ass and it makes me chuckle, which releases tension.
Maybe you're not ready to cut him 100% loose today and that's OK. but you need to do something different for yourself or you're going to stay stuck. A 1000 mile journey begins with one step, right?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by NotSoSmart
i changed her pic on my phone. It used to be of her from a vacation we took - I was mad at her so I changed it to the arse end of a buffalo. When i do need to call her I see that buffalo ass and it makes me chuckle, which releases tension.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
I just see so much manipulation here. Not talking to someone to get them to call you, breaking it off to get the other to beg for you back, lies about rehab, etc. Do you see that manipulation? How you are using the others fears against each other as a means of controlling what they will do next? He broke it off with you, why would he care that he can't use his phone in rehab?? Duh! Because he doesn't want to go. Simple simple simple. But he used the NC rule with you as something he thought he could get you to agree with as a con for going. Manipulation!
Sigh. I remember being in that manipulation cycle. Do you know where that lead me? I lost 20 pounds I was so stressed out, got my first ever cold sore, quit my job because I wanted to be more "available", refused to leave his home because I had convinced myself that I had moved in when I was only invited for a short stay, and ended up swallowing a bottle of Advil which left me horridly sick for days.
The effects of this kind of stress get progressively worse as the relationship continues to break down.
What helped me to get out of it (and, oddly, save the relationship that had turned so toxic) was letting him make his own choices about drinking and the other issues that were plaguing him, leaving his home with NC for a month to do some soul searching (as long as I was unemployed....), and reconnecting with my family and friends in a way where I was not just telling them my sob story over and over, but actually hanging out and enjoying my time with them. I rebuilt my support network, cleared my head, and worked some things out about myself and the patterns I was getting stuck in. I ate a lot and re-nourished myself. I laughed a lot. I contemplated dating again and decided what I needed in a partner. None of which I could do if I were still seeing him.
When ABF asked me if we could give it another try about this time last year, I was not desperate for the chance. I was skeptical, and hesitant. And, he was not asking because he missed his emotional punching bag, he was asking because he had cleaned up his side of the street, and chose to pursue what he thought would improve his happiness. We had done the work to get healthy separately and chose to repair our relationship within those healthy margins. That's the ONLY reason why things stopped being so toxic. And if you or your ABF can't do that, things will remain toxic. You have to break the cycle. You have to detach, physically and emotionally. You have to be able to have rational thoughts again. Otherwise, you're just running along on that hamster wheel.
Good luck.
Sigh. I remember being in that manipulation cycle. Do you know where that lead me? I lost 20 pounds I was so stressed out, got my first ever cold sore, quit my job because I wanted to be more "available", refused to leave his home because I had convinced myself that I had moved in when I was only invited for a short stay, and ended up swallowing a bottle of Advil which left me horridly sick for days.
The effects of this kind of stress get progressively worse as the relationship continues to break down.
What helped me to get out of it (and, oddly, save the relationship that had turned so toxic) was letting him make his own choices about drinking and the other issues that were plaguing him, leaving his home with NC for a month to do some soul searching (as long as I was unemployed....), and reconnecting with my family and friends in a way where I was not just telling them my sob story over and over, but actually hanging out and enjoying my time with them. I rebuilt my support network, cleared my head, and worked some things out about myself and the patterns I was getting stuck in. I ate a lot and re-nourished myself. I laughed a lot. I contemplated dating again and decided what I needed in a partner. None of which I could do if I were still seeing him.
When ABF asked me if we could give it another try about this time last year, I was not desperate for the chance. I was skeptical, and hesitant. And, he was not asking because he missed his emotional punching bag, he was asking because he had cleaned up his side of the street, and chose to pursue what he thought would improve his happiness. We had done the work to get healthy separately and chose to repair our relationship within those healthy margins. That's the ONLY reason why things stopped being so toxic. And if you or your ABF can't do that, things will remain toxic. You have to break the cycle. You have to detach, physically and emotionally. You have to be able to have rational thoughts again. Otherwise, you're just running along on that hamster wheel.
Good luck.
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