AH told about MIL's cancer....but yet it's all about him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
AH told about MIL's cancer....but yet it's all about him
My mom told me a few weeks ago that she has cancer. It's always devastating news to hear especially given our family history of cancer.
My first instinct was to tell my AH ( we are separated) because this is the person I've turned to for emotional support for 20 years. I made the decision not to tell him because:
1. He was actively drinking. I can't discuss the weather with him much less cancer.
2. My motivation in wanting to tell him was to get emotional support and I already know he is not capable of providing that.
3. I couldn't handle this being his excuse to drink.
My mom decided to call him and tell him.
What does he do? Makes it all about him. Calls me, yelling and cursing because I didn't tell him. He's pissed that he had to hear it from my mom. Well it's her news to tell.
I got off the phone ASAP. But wow no sympathy, no asking how the kids are doing. I know I shouldn't be surprised. Alcoholism affects everything. I just haven't seen such a glaring example of how emotionally stunted he has become. I'm in shock that he made this all about him. There was so much I wanted to say but talking to him is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
I feel I had very valid reasons for not telling him about the cancer. He said I withheld it and should have told him. So now a little doubt creeps in but I think he would have reacted poorly regardless of how he was told.
My first instinct was to tell my AH ( we are separated) because this is the person I've turned to for emotional support for 20 years. I made the decision not to tell him because:
1. He was actively drinking. I can't discuss the weather with him much less cancer.
2. My motivation in wanting to tell him was to get emotional support and I already know he is not capable of providing that.
3. I couldn't handle this being his excuse to drink.
My mom decided to call him and tell him.
What does he do? Makes it all about him. Calls me, yelling and cursing because I didn't tell him. He's pissed that he had to hear it from my mom. Well it's her news to tell.
I got off the phone ASAP. But wow no sympathy, no asking how the kids are doing. I know I shouldn't be surprised. Alcoholism affects everything. I just haven't seen such a glaring example of how emotionally stunted he has become. I'm in shock that he made this all about him. There was so much I wanted to say but talking to him is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
I feel I had very valid reasons for not telling him about the cancer. He said I withheld it and should have told him. So now a little doubt creeps in but I think he would have reacted poorly regardless of how he was told.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by Catherine628 
My mom told me a few weeks ago that she has cancer. It's always devastating news to hear especially given our family history of cancer.
My first instinct was to tell my AH ( we are separated) because this is the person I've turned to for emotional support for 20 years. I made the decision not to tell him because:
1. He was actively drinking. I can't discuss the weather with him much less cancer.
2. My motivation in wanting to tell him was to get emotional support and I already know he is not capable of providing that.
3. I couldn't handle this being his excuse to drink.
My mom decided to call him and tell him.
What does he do? Makes it all about him. Calls me, yelling and cursing because I didn't tell him. He's pissed that he had to hear it from my mom. Well it's her news to tell.
I got off the phone ASAP. But wow no sympathy, no asking how the kids are doing. I know I shouldn't be surprised. Alcoholism affects everything. I just haven't seen such a glaring example of how emotionally stunted he has become. I'm in shock that he made this all about him. There was so much I wanted to say but talking to him is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
I feel I had very valid reasons for not telling him about the cancer. He said I withheld it and should have told him. So now a little doubt creeps in but I think he would have reacted poorly regardless of how he was told.
My first instinct was to tell my AH ( we are separated) because this is the person I've turned to for emotional support for 20 years. I made the decision not to tell him because:
1. He was actively drinking. I can't discuss the weather with him much less cancer.
2. My motivation in wanting to tell him was to get emotional support and I already know he is not capable of providing that.
3. I couldn't handle this being his excuse to drink.
My mom decided to call him and tell him.
What does he do? Makes it all about him. Calls me, yelling and cursing because I didn't tell him. He's pissed that he had to hear it from my mom. Well it's her news to tell.
I got off the phone ASAP. But wow no sympathy, no asking how the kids are doing. I know I shouldn't be surprised. Alcoholism affects everything. I just haven't seen such a glaring example of how emotionally stunted he has become. I'm in shock that he made this all about him. There was so much I wanted to say but talking to him is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
I feel I had very valid reasons for not telling him about the cancer. He said I withheld it and should have told him. So now a little doubt creeps in but I think he would have reacted poorly regardless of how he was told.
You were in a lose lose situation. That helped me to not blame myself on top of everything else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Catherine628
I feel I had very valid reasons for not telling him about the cancer. He said I withheld it and should have told him. So now a little doubt creeps in but I think he would have reacted poorly regardless of how he was told.
Second of all, if you HAD told him he would have gone off on you and the world and used it as his excuse to drink openly or whatever and QUACK QUACK QUACK.
It really doesn't matter what his reaction is in the long run, does it? Especially when it remains ALL ABOUT HIM no matter what.
Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Thanks everyone. My mom is very optimistic at this point.
I agree AH would have made it all about him no matter what. Sad. Too bad he won't choose an aggressive treatment plan like my mom.
I agree AH would have made it all about him no matter what. Sad. Too bad he won't choose an aggressive treatment plan like my mom.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
