frustrated for teen daughter

Old 10-29-2014, 07:24 PM
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frustrated for teen daughter

I'm so frustrated and hurt for my 17yr old daughter right now. She just got home after meeting her dad for coffee, where he surprised her by having his girlfriend show up.

A few weeks ago he asked her via text if she and her boyfriend might want to go to his house and have dinner with him and his girlfriend. She responded that she wouldn't be comfortable with that, but that she would like to take him and her boyfriend to coffee once she got her first paycheck from her first job. (A huge deal for her, by the way.)

For the past number of years my daughter has had a very distant relationship with her dad. At times she wasn't even able to be in the same room as him. As soon as he got home from work she would run up the stairs. His presence made her almost physically sick. She hated him. She would occasionally break out of these periods and "open the door" to him, but every time she did he would do something to "slam the door" in her face, and she'd be back to not talking to him again. Lately, however, things have been going pretty well. He takes her for driving lessons every few weeks, and they've been getting along quite nicely.

I just don't get it. He claims to want a relationship with her, yet whenever he's given the opportunity he squanders it.

I'm sure in his mind it wasn't a big deal. Just some silly, moody 17 year old girl reacting to her dad having a girlfriend, but for her it's a much larger issue. It's tied into issues of trust, and his drinking, and his selfishness, and his continually putting other people above her. It's about him not being able to respect one simple boundary of his only daughter. The person he has said on more than one occasion he loves more than any other person on this earth.

I'm trying to stay out of her hula hoop, but it's hard. My hips are a lot bigger than hers and I know I could get that thing rotating at a phenomenal rate, but that would be wrong. There's an Alanon meeting tomorrow. Hopefully she can make it. Probably better to have her Alanannies help her through this particular problem then her mom. (Alannanies.... I love that term!)

In the end, however, I do suspect this is going to come down to her ratcheting up, and defining those boundaries, and possibly learning to better communicate them to her father. The communication part, in particular, is going to be challenging for a 17 year old. I think it's challenging for most of us, but for a 17 year old girl to lay the law down for her dad is a tall order.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think how she handles this might define how they move forward. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers too. I'm going to do my best to step back and not advise her to much. Our divorce will be complete soon enough, but he'll be her dad forever.
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Old 10-29-2014, 07:53 PM
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Sorry to hear that. She is truly a mature and generally awesome young lady and her dad is missing out on a grand opportunity. What a wonderful gesture on her part to treat him to coffee with her first paycheck. He is totally being a "boob punch" (kids and I are big Bob's Burgers fans, Tina rules!). Someday he is not even going to remember this slag's name but will wonder why his awesome daughter only calls him 4 times a year.
I understand that this IS a big deal. Having grown up with an alcoholic jerkoff father, all I can say is good move on those Alanon meetings for her mama. My mom left my AF when I was 7 and decided that she "got rid of her problem." So here I am working out my ACoA issues on the freaking internet and in Alanon meetings at 36 instead of 17.
Big hugs to you and your DD.
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Old 10-29-2014, 07:58 PM
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Aww. How disappointing and saddening. My thoughts are with you both.
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Old 10-29-2014, 08:24 PM
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Thanks Guys, I appreciate the support.

Cazzap... Yeah, I kind of think she does need to address this. Though, part of me think she may be entitled to that huge confrontation that you mentioned . Truth is he can be very slippery. The only way to have an effective confrontation would be if she were very legalistic. Clearly defined boundaries, and a notary public to sign off on it!

Ladyscribbler.... I have watched Bob's Burgers to the point of obsession. When I start looking for a new man I want one just like Bob. My daughter can do an imitation of Linda that's simply uncanny. "A Party for me?"
Yes, Alanon has been a great help to her. Especially the ACoA's there. They're the ones that really cut through the fog early on, and helped her get a handle on her dad's issues.
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Old 10-29-2014, 09:02 PM
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They sound like my dad and me. Is her father a narcissist?
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Old 10-30-2014, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
They sound like my dad and me. Is her father a narcissist?
I don't think so, at least not today. I go back and forth. Is he a narcissist, is he a sociopath, is he stupid, or is he just an alcoholic? Is it a today a full moon? He might be a werewolf. He shows some narcissistic tendencies, but don't all alcoholics? It also can be difficult for me at times to even remember the him of twenty years ago. So when I try to sort the riddle of his actions out my brain can get a bit wonky. It's possible his girlfriend has some narcissistic tendencies. Maybe it was her idea to blindside my daughter. I don't know her, and I'm sure she's nice enough, but she does have a very spotty track record.

Regarding my STBXAH, what I've come to is this, He's not well. Period.
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Old 10-30-2014, 07:17 AM
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How disrespectful. And how sad, that he's ruining the relationship over and over again.

I don't know if this is relevant but my AXH would be capable of doing the same thing, simply because he feels he knows better (that would be his explanation). On the other hand, I've seen him ruin so many relationships over the years and there's a pattern to it: It's like when someone gets close to him, he has to test them: Will you still love me if I do this? How about this? No? Well, that's what I thought all along. You're not trustworthy. A little bit like "You can't fire me, I quit" -- and then he doesn't have to deal with close relationships; he can have his 2-week skinny blondes and never have to get close to anyone.

But who knows how they think. I'm just really sorry your daughter had to put up with that. On the other hand -- it's like my kids; I've never sad a bad word about their father to them; I've never had to -- they figured it out all on their own because he kept doing things like that to them.
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Old 10-30-2014, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma View Post
I don't think so, at least not today. I go back and forth. Is he a narcissist, is he a sociopath, is he stupid, or is he just an alcoholic? Is it a today a full moon? He might be a werewolf. He shows some narcissistic tendencies, but don't all alcoholics? It also can be difficult for me at times to even remember the him of twenty years ago. So when I try to sort the riddle of his actions out my brain can get a bit wonky. It's possible his girlfriend has some narcissistic tendencies. Maybe it was her idea to blindside my daughter. I don't know her, and I'm sure she's nice enough, but she does have a very spotty track record.

Regarding my STBXAH, what I've come to is this, He's not well. Period.
Yes, N and A have similar tendencies. Hopefully he is just an A (how often do you hear that, never). N's are hard to deal with as parents, at least mine is. It is always about them, their needs, their image, them, them, them.

I feel badly for your daughter. Even though it is wise to let them work out their own relationship, you might remind her that his behavior isn't about her. A family friend did that with me and it helped.
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Old 10-30-2014, 07:39 AM
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I am so sorry. My 15 yr old DD told me last night she hates seeing her dad and hates going there. He is a selfish person. He does love his kids, but he sure loves himself more.

I told her I was sorry she feels that way, that I understand, and that when she is older she will have the choice not to see him, but for now she is legally required to see him.

It breaks my heart for my girls. It's so hard to see him making such bad choices then seeing it affect our kids. Ugh...

I can only say I am reading this, I support you, I understand.

Tight Hugs!
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:20 PM
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I received a text from my daughter while I was at work. She was able to make it to Alanon this afternoon, and says it was very helpful. I'll talk to her more when she gets home from work. She said they talked about strengthening her boundaries.

Lillamy, I think my husband's take is probably similar to "he knows better". I think he feels it's not a big deal. Kids meet their parent's new partners every day. "Don't make a big deal out of it." Yeah. It's not a big deal to him, but it was a huge deal to her. Honestly, I don't know if her reaction even registered on him. She said he acted as though everything was fine.

MissFixit, I don't know.... now I'm leaning a little more into the Narcissist camp. What you said about "image" has me remembering things he's done in the past. You're right about her being told that his behavior isn't about her. I add to that conversations that set the groundwork for what her adult relationship will be with him. This is where I find Alanon very helpful. He can be so immature, and she needs to know how to not be caught in the trap of a "father" who acts like a "child".

Hopeful4, I'm so sorry your daughter has to go through that. At 15 my daughter wasn't able to stay in the same room as him for more than 2 minutes. I didn't think she was capable of that kind of hate. The good news is she got over it. The bad news is..... well, you read my post. Honestly, though, I don't think she'll ever go back to "hating" him. I think (I hope) she's moving through that to a kind of acceptance of who he is, and what he is and isn't capable of. (((((( Hugs )))))) back to you, and your daughter.
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Old 10-31-2014, 06:35 PM
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Just a little update:

My daughter went to Alanon yesterday and got exactly what she needed. The support of people who know and understand. It's so simple and yet so profound. I don't think I'll ever get over how well that Rx works.

Anyway, the issue of boundaries came up, both at her meeting and in her conversation with me. It got us to thinking about how hard it is for her to articulate why his "love life" bothers her so much, and how to best articulate boundaries to a father who isn't going to want to hear them. Many marriages break up, many parent go on to have other relationships. many kids get over it. Why should this be different?

As I was driving to work this morning it hit me. My STBXAH has serious unresolved mental health issues. Drinking is only one of them. Another huge problem is his issue with women. He has consistently chosen both alcohol and other women over my daughter, and she knows it.

Having his girlfriend sit at the table with them was virtually the same as having an open bottle of tequila sitting on the table.

When framed that way, my daughter's boundaries make clearer, and perhaps cleaner sense. This isn't a "petulant teenager". This is a young adult saying that they don't want to condone, or be a part of, the same sort of behavior that has hurt them deeply in the past.

I shared my insights with her, and she said "Well, yeah! In a lot of ways the stuff with the women bothered me more than the drinking!!!!"

That's saying a lot.

I don't know if she'll ever have that "boundaries" conversation with her dad. I hope she does someday, but I need to let that be her decision. It's hard to let go, but so far she's had fairly good instincts about these things. Either way, I think the most important thing is that she be clear in her own mind. So far I really do believe she understands that it's his problem, not hers.
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