Detachment - share from the archives
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Detachment - share from the archives
I love digging through old posts on the forums. I learn a LOT that way & there were a great number of amazing members that are no longer posting actively, but that had tons of wonderful, relevant shares buried under all of the great, new posts.
It's been tough lately because the search function is pretty broken & my favorite way to search is just by picking a keyword (like detachment) & seeing what pops up.
I loved Morning Glory's share about detachment here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ent-again.html
It's been tough lately because the search function is pretty broken & my favorite way to search is just by picking a keyword (like detachment) & seeing what pops up.
I loved Morning Glory's share about detachment here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ent-again.html
I realized today that Detachment is giving up my right to another person's life. I can choose to have the person in my life or I can choose not to have the person in my life, but I do not have the right to change or try to change another person. It is their life. Trying to change them is an excuse to use them to make my life better. Rescuing someone else from their consequences is another excuse to make my life better. I don't go around rescuing strangers from the consequences of their poor choices, because their consequences don't affect my life. I work with mentally ******** adult men. One of the lessons I had to learn was to give them the dignity to make mistakes and to fail. Also to give them the dignity to take risks. I have also learned a lot about human rights. We would lose our job if we ever poured out a bottle of their alcohol. House rules are established and no alcohol is allowed in the house, but if they choose to bring alcohol in, we can't take it away from them. We can only give them a 30 day notice to move if they violate the rules. They have all human rights. If I don't like what they do, I have the right to quit my job and change careers. The only way we have of helping our clients is to allow them to pay natural consequences for their choices. If they don't learn from their consequences we can only continue to watch them repeat their behavior and offer training and guidance. If I can't live with that, my choice is to quit my job.
What it boils down to is that when I try to change someone else, I am making them responsible for my choice. I'm choosing to keep you in my life so now you change so my choice is one that makes me happy. When we choose to keep someone in our life, then we are choosing to take it just as it is. We have to pay the consequences of our choice. If we don't like it, we have the choice to leave.
Just a thought,
Morning Glory
What it boils down to is that when I try to change someone else, I am making them responsible for my choice. I'm choosing to keep you in my life so now you change so my choice is one that makes me happy. When we choose to keep someone in our life, then we are choosing to take it just as it is. We have to pay the consequences of our choice. If we don't like it, we have the choice to leave.
Just a thought,
Morning Glory
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All of this is "true," yet when it is someone you love, you then have to deal with YOUR FEELINGS about their actions or inactions (especially if their actions are self-destructive).
If you care about someone, then there are FEELINGS . . . if you can be simply logical about it and there are no feelings attached to the persons actions or inactions, it's a piece of cake.
If it is someone you raised, you were actively involved in trying to keep them alive for 18 years - just because they reach the age of majority doesn't mean the FEELINGS that you had when you were trying to assist in keeping them alive as children just shut off. They don't.
If you care about someone, then there are FEELINGS . . . if you can be simply logical about it and there are no feelings attached to the persons actions or inactions, it's a piece of cake.
If it is someone you raised, you were actively involved in trying to keep them alive for 18 years - just because they reach the age of majority doesn't mean the FEELINGS that you had when you were trying to assist in keeping them alive as children just shut off. They don't.
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Originally Posted by seek 
If you care about someone, then there are FEELINGS . . . if you can be simply logical about it and there are no feelings attached to the persons actions or inactions, it's a piece of cake.
We ALL have feelings & emotions revolving around the people whose actions we NEED to detach from.
They may be different emotions & felt to different degrees, but feelings exist in every single situation.
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Seek you are right. The feelings dont just go away. But, they are feelings. Emotions. And the only thing you can do is feel them and let them go. If you dont you will eventually become physically ill. The human body cannot cope with them long term.
Yes, you will alwayss love your biological addict but you cant fix them. They have to find their own way in life. And that may mean they die from their addiction. All you can do is take care of yourself and be a healthy example for them. Whether or not they choose to be like your example is their choice. Anything else is you trying to play God. And yes I am a mother
Yes, you will alwayss love your biological addict but you cant fix them. They have to find their own way in life. And that may mean they die from their addiction. All you can do is take care of yourself and be a healthy example for them. Whether or not they choose to be like your example is their choice. Anything else is you trying to play God. And yes I am a mother
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happy: My brain agrees, totally. My body has a mind of its own and gets triggered and goes into shock and PTSD . . . it happens without warning because I cannot control what anyone does and often what they do (or don't do) upsets me - as in, it gets into my body and causes a reaction that I don't seem to be able to control.
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At Fire . . .I made the distinction about loving someone because the article references someone working with mentally ******** adults and talks about job consequences. That is a completely different thing - I think everyone can agree that you do not get emotionally attached to everyone you know who makes bad choices. It's just the people you love who affect you.
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Seek- I hope you are getting professional help for your problems. I cannot imagine how challenging it must be. I was once told by a wonderful friend and mentor " The greatest distance is between the head and the heart".
Have you tried writing about your feelings? Naming them and then writing how they make you feel physically? If you do this then perhaps you can figure out or we could help develop coping skills when these feelings come up.
Have you tried writing about your feelings? Naming them and then writing how they make you feel physically? If you do this then perhaps you can figure out or we could help develop coping skills when these feelings come up.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
happy - I have a spiritual counselor - but really, there is only so much one person can do!
The writing thing helps clarify (doing it on the board, mainly).
Coping with the feelings is the challenge.
When I can stay in the present and have faith, I am fine, but when I get triggered and my body freaks out, it takes me a long time to recover.
Worse-case scenarios play over and over in my head - which, if you read this board, you see what can happen - not really good for me to hang out here in that sense. I am feeling somewhat supported though by the various responses I am getting, so thank you one and all!
The writing thing helps clarify (doing it on the board, mainly).
Coping with the feelings is the challenge.
When I can stay in the present and have faith, I am fine, but when I get triggered and my body freaks out, it takes me a long time to recover.
Worse-case scenarios play over and over in my head - which, if you read this board, you see what can happen - not really good for me to hang out here in that sense. I am feeling somewhat supported though by the various responses I am getting, so thank you one and all!
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