ArtFriend

My Brother and I haven't communicated in almost a year. Last time I spoke to him was on Halloween last year. Earlier that year, his daughter wrote me a very nasty email stating that I was not a very good aunt to her and she has "disowned" me. I feel sorry for her because she has been "dragged" up (not raised) by my alcoholic brother and many, many different women. Her real mother died of a heart attack at age 38. So, I know this girl has many issues and she is unstable. I was hurt by the email as I know I have tried to be there for her as much as possible, but I live 2000 miles away. Her mother's sister lives 5 miles away and has lavished this girl with just about anything she wants... trips to Hawaii, Disneyworld, Europe, bought her a new car for graduation. You get the picture. How could I compete?

So, when I talked to my brother about my niece and told him about the nasty email, he took her side. He agreed that I was a lousy aunt, etc. So we argued, he hung up on me and that was it.

His current GF is an enabler and I tried to stay in touch with her for awhile, but her enabling and making excuses for my brother made me crazy. He is abusing her in all ways, including physically, yet she stays.

Anyway... she texted me last night. Just a "hello" text. I didn't want to get into anything, so I kept my reply curt and to the point. Then she tells me how my brother is "so complex" and "an enigma" and "worthy of my understanding' etc. I did not even reply to that...but, I got very angry. The GF and my brother and my niece all set me off in a big way. Major trigger.
I don't want to start drinking again.

I know the logical answer is to cut off ALL communication with them, but I fear that if I do, I will never know if anything major happens to my brother (who is drinking himself to death on purpose).

readerbaby71

Protecting your sobriety is your number one priority. Limit contact with them. It doesn't mean you will never speak to them again, just that you're taking care of yourself. Toxic people will only bring you down.

Sorry you're going through this. Hugs.

SoberLeigh

Morning, ArtFriend!!!

Your relationship/situation with your brother, your niece and your brother's girl friend is difficult and complex.

I understand the desire to not want to cut off all means of contact, thereby closing the door forever. (I am in a similar situation with my brother where I struggle to understand his actions). However, I believe that maintaining your sanity and sobriety should be your #1 goal. Limiting your exposures to your brother, etc. to text messages or e-mails might be helpful; in this way, you can choose when to read the messages (when you are feeling strong) and can choose when to respond (after you considered the message and measured your response). We cannot control other people but we can learn to control our response.

My empathy, ArtFriend; family relationships can be difficult.

hopeful4

I second everything SoberLeigh just said. My heart hurts for you. So sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I commend you on putting your own sobriety needs first.

XXX

ArtFriend

Thank you readerbaby, soberleigh and hopeful! It helps to know that people understand where I am coming from. I have discussed this with other family members and friends and they pretty much want me to be the "bigger" person and try and heal the relationship. Of course, they don't know that I am a closet alcoholic either. But even if I wasn't... this seems like an impossible situation to fix. I cannot do this... I actually am the one who has been hurt and discarded. So why is it up to me to fix it?

I am glad you all "get it" and many thanx

hopeful4

I completely get it. I was an attempted "fixer" for many years. When that behavior stops, which is the right thing, people go into shock and get upset.

You cannot fix anyone but yourself. I am sorry you have been hurt, but think you are wise and have learned a thing or two over the years LOL.

Have a blessed day. Let your heart know we do feel for you and you have those among you who truly understand.

XXX