Butterfly

Drunk talk is real?? I read to article on the newcomers forum and it has made me take of a conversation my separated AH and I had the time he left but came home about 2 weeks before he left the last time.

He came home after being out all night drinking in bad form and said "I can't do this anymore, I'm leaving". When I asked why he again just repeated "I can't do this anymore". I said to him I don't understand why your leaving if you don't love me anymore I would understand I wouldn't be happy but would understand why you would want to leave". He then told me "I don't love you anymore" and was tearful when saying it. He wasn't drunk but was still under the influence as he'd been drinking to dear knows what time and fell asleep somewhere.

The next day when he came home and said "I can't believe I almost chose drink over you I didn't mean what I said I wanted you to hate me as I thought it would make it easier for you".

After reading the article I'm beginning to think maybe he did mean it and regretted saying it the next day. Of course I then start thinking what about the times he's told me he's s till in love with me since he's left, did he mean that or was it lies. This is when I want to contact him and ask him but I know there is no point as I will get what I usually getyes I am in love with you but it doesn't matter if I can't give up drinking or I don't know how I feel, how can I be in love with you when I've hurt you like this, I want to be on my own your better off without me or yes I do want to be with you but again it doesn't matter how I feel if I can't give up drinking! The usual responses I get when I have tried in the past to talk to him.

I know I'm heading down a road to nowhere but I can't stop thinking about what he said that day.

SparkleKitty

Maybe he meant it. Maybe he didn't. The odds are not good that you will ever know for sure.

Butterfly, this might be one of those "...things I cannot change."

dandylion

Butterfly....do something....anythiing to get your mind on something else. Listen to music and dance....go for a loong walk....phone-up some girlfriend....or take a visit someone down the street. Meditate or do some exercise routine....anything!!

Stop allowing yourself the luxury of ruminating over him.

You Can do it!

dandylion

FireSprite

Does it really matter Butterfly?

Will it change anything today whether what he said was true or not? Will it make you want him more or less? Will it change his mind about leaving?

Does it do anything except rob you of your mental stability & waste your physical time to obsess over *small stuff* like this? Do you recognize that it IS *small stuff*?

biminiblue

Stop yourself.

Only you can.

It is a thought that you allow.


Change your thinking. Do something else - preferably not sitting here reading threads in Newcomers. Do something physical - mop the floor. Do 50 jumping jacks.

Sungrl

What everyone else has said Butterfly.

The facts , tough as they may be to face, he's not there.

What he said means nothing and you are letting your life pass you by.

What do we always say around here?? Actions not WORDS.

What he said, how he said it, means nothing. He's still drinking that speaks volumes.

I hate that you torture yourself like this.

GracieLou

An active alcoholic can still love but they are not capable of the quality that it needs.

A real relationship takes work. It takes honesty and trust. It takes compromise, understanding and acceptance of another person. An active alcoholic is not capable of these. They may be able to play the game for a little while and they can talk about it all day long but the follow through rarely happens.

He will drink whether you are in his life or not. If you are, he will blame you. If you are not, he will blame you.

I know how hard it is to walk away from someone that says they love you. It is what we want to hear and feel most from another person but with those words come all the lies, the heartache, the lost trust, the frustrations, the pain. The words do not stop the action, they only appear to make it easier to deal with.

He drank again, But he loves me!
He lied again, But he loves me!
He stole again, But he loves me
He lost a job again, But he loves me!
He cheated on me, But he loves me!
He hit me, But he loves me!

Does he?

He very well may love you but drinking will always come first and it will always lead to the other consequences that go along with it. There is not an alcoholic that just drinks and there is no one around them that pays or suffers except the alcoholic that is truly alone or dead.

I had to recently make the decision to remove someone from my life because they are not good for me. For once in my life, I matter. My feelings matter. My life matters.

Sometimes I say I want them out of my life forever and other times I say for today or for right now. It is how I can cope and get through that weak feeling or that second guessing myself.

Be strong, think of you and the fact that you matter, just for today!

amy55

Butterfly,

I was a lot like you. I heard those things all the time from my ex. He loved me, he would never leave me, he saw a lawyer, he wants me back, he'll go to therapy, how can anyone care about you, just look at you, I love you so much I can't picture my life without you. How long do you want to be that yo-yo that he plays with?

I know I never wanted to listen to or believe the negative things he said. I wanted to hear how much he loved me, he told me it enough, but when I thought about it, he told me more often how he didn't want to be with me.

I allowed him to keep pulling me back in. I knew my life would never have gotten better, he still would have left me, then came back, then left again. I was stuck on a fantasy.

Maybe I kept getting drawn back in because I didn't want to feel like our entire marriage was just a farce. I felt like I was being played for a fool. He was horrible to me, and I was always willing to forgive. Why couldn't he see that????? The thing is, he did see that. He knew he could treat me anyway he wanted to, and a few kind words from him, and I would forgive him.

This wasn't the life I wanted, and I knew it would never change. I had to let him go.

It took me a long time to recover from this.

I don't know if I have any advice for you, I do know that I would spend weeks at a time hearing in my head only 2 or three sentences. I couldn't for the life of me get them out of my head. I think back now to that time, and I realize how much life I missed by spacing out and just hearing those sentences that meant nothing. They were only said to keep me on the "hook", while he did whatever he wanted to.

I know you are in a long term marriage. I was married for over 27 years, lived with him for 25. (If you can call that living with him, the last 4 years of our marriage, he was almost never there, he ran away from home).

I can only tell you from my experience, that when I did let him come back home, he would try to be good for awhile, then went right back to doing whatever he wanted, and if I objected, he ran away from home for a longer time.

I'm sure you read about the intermittent chicken here, well I was only getting chicken feed perhaps 5 days a year at the end.

Before you pick up a phone, listen to the conversation that you have always had. Do you want to hear it again? Do you want to try to reword what you are saying to him, so that maybe this time he will understand it? It won't work, I did that. He doesn't want to hear it. He wants to do what he wants to do, but he also wants to keep you on the hook. I used to save v mail, e mail, and texts. I listened to them to keep me away from the phone.

The best advice here is "What are you doing for yourself today?, because you deserve the best".

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy

marie1960

He's got you riding the crazy train here.

The bottom line, your life is becoming unmanagable, what necessary steps are you willing to take to make your life healthy?

I don't give two hoots about what he said drunk or sober, I care about how his actions and words are affecting your LIFE. you have to take your power back here, friend. You are allowing an out of control person to call the shots, and my personal life experience says that is just not going to work out for you.

Be strong, start taking care of YOU!

Butterfly

I really don't understand how he can walk away and ignore me as I didn't or don't matter and maybe I dont and never did. I haven't contacted him in 2 weeks and I haven't heard a word from him.

I feel so rejected for what he'd rather have drink what does that say about me?? I know addiction is t personal but it really feels like it is. I'm reading everything I can and I still don't understand how he can treat me this way. I honestly believe that if I hadn't questioned him the last 7 months I would t have heard from him and when I did see him he couldn't look at me.

I can't to this anymore I haves few good days then bang I can't stop crying.

I know I keep focusing on this and I am sorry I keep torturing you all with it all.

Butterfly

I'm seeing my counsellor tonight

LifeRecovery

Butterfly-

You are not torturing me with this, but you are certainly torturing yourself.

This was part of my learning curve in dealing with addiction. It takes time. I started to heal because it was so painful to not.

FireSprite

What does it say about ALL of us? Do you believe all of us here on the forum who's A's have chosen the drink 1st are less-than or unworthy?

(I know you don't )

If you can see that it isn't personal to others, can you mentally remove yourself from the situation long enough to see YOURSELF that way?.... Shift your perspective, take the emotion out of it....?

I wish for you that you could stop hurting yourself like this. I wish for you that you could focus on where you are going instead of where you have been. (((((HUGS))))

Thumper

Butterfly,

Up front - this is said from a place of support and if my thoughts miss the mark - by all means leave them behind. I mean no offense.

I don't always comment on your posts because I get a little triggered. I read them though and the theme is often the same. Your obsessive thoughts over those conversations regarding his love and the truth of it, and inability to move beyond them. Each threads contain ideas and suggestions for how to accept and move forward and you reply, or have other threads, regarding your sincere attempts, revelations, and steps forward in the recovery process - which I believe are all authentic btw. Yet you cycle back around. We can hear the pain in your posts.

My xah is very much like that too. He is also an alcoholic (and very codependent) so when he was drinking he'd get so intense and suffocating - to the point of abusive. I don't see that in you but that is why I'm triggered.

Anyway - to get to the point of my post. It turns out that his obsessive thoughts and inability to move forward from them stem from an anxiety disorder. "Persistent and negative thoughts, often related to fears or emotions, are one of the most common signs of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety makes it nearly impossible to stop focusing on these things."

Sooo - if you think anxiety may be an issue for you (I really have no idea but felt compelled to share) than working with a counselor on the anxiety and how to deal with it might actually be more effective than some of the things a 'typical codependent' might find useful. I hate the way that sounds but can't think of anything better.

ETA - my ex was not diagnosed or treated for anxiety until he was nearly 50 so it isn't something that has to be glaringly obvious. I think it can show itself with various stressors, life changes, age, whatever.

SparkleKitty

You likely never will understand. My own mother chose alcohol over me and my siblings and I will never understand that. But I can choose to ACCEPT it without understanding it. ONLY when I do this can I move on. It sucks, it isn't fair, and it hurts tremendously. But I refuse to waste one more moment lamenting and hashing over the things I cannot change.

I know you believe it. I think you believe it because it would mean you have power over it. There is nothing more tempting than believing we have control.

We are not the ones being tortured, hon. You can ask us to chastise you all you want but we're responding from a place of love and care. Your burdens weigh more to you than they do to us. We're just here to help you carry them until you decide to drop them.

hopeful4

Butterfly, it does not say a thing about YOU. It says that his addiction is strong and powerful. That he is not going to change, for you or anyone else. This does not make you less.

Let's face it, some people just make really stupid decisions. There is not a thing you can do about that, but it does not reflect on YOU. I personally think it's a relief that I cannot relate to the alcoholic as I don't want my mind to ever work in that same way.

XXX

MissFixit

Pay attention to actions, NOT words.

He left.
He left again.
He drinks.

amy55

Hey butterfly,

I realized in my marriage that I was feeling like I was in a straightjacket, with duct tape on my mouth. I couldn't move, and I couldn't speak. I started to feel like I was invisible and that perhaps maybe I didn't even exist, and I just thought I did.

It's a horrible feeling, and I think perhaps you are there or you are getting close to it. The thing is, you do exist, and you are a wonderful beautiful person. I wish you can see that now, just see what a terrific loving person you are, and how much your children love you and need you.

I started to bury myself and isolate myself. I don't want that to happen to you.

There are no answers to your questions. I had the same questions. There is no validation, there is no closure, this is something that you have to give to yourself.

It took me a long time to give myself closure after having no answers. Sometimes we just don't get answers.

I had to ask myself, is this the way I wanted to live. Feeling like I don't even exist to my H? Would I really want to allow him back into my life, knowing he will do the same thing? Try to forget his positive words, they mean nothing. Which words is he living by? Says he loves you, but he doesn't live with you, he lives alone with his bottle. You are willing to forgive, but he doesn't want that either. He only wants what he wants. Where is the love? Where is how a loving husband who should care about you? He's holding and caressing his bottle. I know none of this makes any sense. I know I was always trying to make sense out of non-sense.

Sometimes, like now, I put myself back into where I was at that time. I know the feeling, the desperation, the despair. I also know that I couldn't live like that any longer.

You know I'll be here for you, because I was like this a lot.

Remember, I love your new name, and
Butterflies are free to fly, fly away, fly away.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy

meggem

Firesprite made a good point - you say "what does that say about you" - "well - what does is say about all of us!"

I'm hoping some of these words resonate with you butterfly. I'm praying for you.

Today in counseling I was working hard at my own recovery and then towards the end I randomly blurted out "Do you think he'll ever be the person he was when I met him?

Total backslide. It's all part of the process I suppose.

marie1960

butterfly, sometimes we just do not get the luxury of understanding.

But nobody can take our freewill away, you have the right to choose to stop hanging on to every word that he said, it's a big waste of time trying to analyze what he said, here you are stewing over every word, and not to be cruel, there is a high chance he doesn't even remember what he said when his brain was soaked in booze. Meaningless words, from someone who is being controlled by a drug.

I have been in your shoes, and I certainly understand the hurt and pain you are feeling, but if you really want to feel better, it's all on YOU, he is not your salvation, YOU are.

Sometimes the best we can do is get the hell out of the way, allow him the dignity to sort out his own life, and you can turn this around, there are millions of people in this world who are not addicted, who are sincerely interested in having a meaningful relationship with someone. I am not implying that you go from the pan to the fire, rather invest in YOU, Take the opportunity to get to know yourself again.