Venting and my codependent ways
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Venting and my codependent ways
UGHHH,....I just need to vent and hear your thoughts....
As many of you know my story. I am in the process of divorcing my STBXAH. He is still actively drinking and refuses to seek recovery. Whatever, not my issue anymore, the 3 C's. We are still living together pending the finalization of the divorce. I am letting him keep the house since it was his for years before we got married and then he will pay me out the equity we obtained together and I can make a fresh start. We have come to a settlement agreement which is ready for him to sign and then we will be divorced. I haven't moved out because if he doesnt sign our settlement then I will go for the house and if I have already moved I have less stake in it according to my attorney and it will be much harder to rule in my favor.
Some background, I filed for divorce in the beginning of the year and then AH lost his job so that delayed things as he looked for work. My attorney advised just holding off and waiting. He was out of work completely up until a few months ago when he started work part-time.Yah! at least we have some income aside from mine coming in. He is also in the process of opening his own business. Yah! he can support himself when I'm gone. I know very codependent but we have kids together, so his income affects them.
It looked like things were lining up and I would finally be free. We agreed to a settlement agreement and as I mentioned it was drawn up and is waiting for him to sign as we speak. He agreed to pay child support at his previous income level. Recently, he has been borrowing money from his parents occasionally to support himself and contribute to our household. He was planning to go tommorow to sign the divorce papers. Yah! finally!!!!
..........then last night he shares with me that his part time job hasnt given him next months schedule and he called into work yesterday for his stomach not feeling well- ie. hangover from the weekend bender. UGHHHHH
So most likely he has lost his job again and I am stuck in this black hole of a waiting game again. I doubt he is going to sign now because he knows he has no income. We are using our current address as the "home of record" to keep the kids in the same school. I can't afford to move into our area at the moment on my salary and especially not without some child support.
I worry if I just move out he will lose the house and our kids will lose their school. I hate being stuck living with someone I am divorcing and still being tied to his issues. I just want to be done and move on but I cant.
Any suggestions???
As many of you know my story. I am in the process of divorcing my STBXAH. He is still actively drinking and refuses to seek recovery. Whatever, not my issue anymore, the 3 C's. We are still living together pending the finalization of the divorce. I am letting him keep the house since it was his for years before we got married and then he will pay me out the equity we obtained together and I can make a fresh start. We have come to a settlement agreement which is ready for him to sign and then we will be divorced. I haven't moved out because if he doesnt sign our settlement then I will go for the house and if I have already moved I have less stake in it according to my attorney and it will be much harder to rule in my favor.
Some background, I filed for divorce in the beginning of the year and then AH lost his job so that delayed things as he looked for work. My attorney advised just holding off and waiting. He was out of work completely up until a few months ago when he started work part-time.Yah! at least we have some income aside from mine coming in. He is also in the process of opening his own business. Yah! he can support himself when I'm gone. I know very codependent but we have kids together, so his income affects them.
It looked like things were lining up and I would finally be free. We agreed to a settlement agreement and as I mentioned it was drawn up and is waiting for him to sign as we speak. He agreed to pay child support at his previous income level. Recently, he has been borrowing money from his parents occasionally to support himself and contribute to our household. He was planning to go tommorow to sign the divorce papers. Yah! finally!!!!
..........then last night he shares with me that his part time job hasnt given him next months schedule and he called into work yesterday for his stomach not feeling well- ie. hangover from the weekend bender. UGHHHHH
So most likely he has lost his job again and I am stuck in this black hole of a waiting game again. I doubt he is going to sign now because he knows he has no income. We are using our current address as the "home of record" to keep the kids in the same school. I can't afford to move into our area at the moment on my salary and especially not without some child support.
I worry if I just move out he will lose the house and our kids will lose their school. I hate being stuck living with someone I am divorcing and still being tied to his issues. I just want to be done and move on but I cant.
Any suggestions???
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Ugh, how disappointing for you! Just to play devil's advocate here - what would happen if you wait this out, he replaces the job/income, you move out & get re-settled & then he loses the new job anyway? Won't you end up in the same boat?
My point is that you could wait forever but he may not actually ever follow through in a way that meets your needs/expectations. (I overthink this for my own situation, so these are questions I've asked myself too
)
Lacking any forward motion on the divorce, etc., is there other stuff you can do to prepare for your own relocation? Buying small appliances, linens, etc. that you can take care of now & store until the time comes? It might help you to retain some sense of control about your own situation to focus on things you'll need & benefit from later. ((((HUGS))))
My point is that you could wait forever but he may not actually ever follow through in a way that meets your needs/expectations. (I overthink this for my own situation, so these are questions I've asked myself too
)Lacking any forward motion on the divorce, etc., is there other stuff you can do to prepare for your own relocation? Buying small appliances, linens, etc. that you can take care of now & store until the time comes? It might help you to retain some sense of control about your own situation to focus on things you'll need & benefit from later. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like he is deteriorating quickly. If he can't even handle a part time job anymore, what are the odds that he'll be able to get back on his feet financially in order to carry out this plan? It might be better if your future livelihood didn't include relying on his ability to generate income.
My ex is no longer able to even hold down a part time job as a janitor because it interfered with his drinking too much. Once the progression hits a certain point, they can't go back to being "functioning" alcoholics who can still hold down jobs and meet some responsibilities. You might need to make a new plan.
My ex is no longer able to even hold down a part time job as a janitor because it interfered with his drinking too much. Once the progression hits a certain point, they can't go back to being "functioning" alcoholics who can still hold down jobs and meet some responsibilities. You might need to make a new plan.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say that I understand. I wish I had the answer. My X just lost his job this month. He is not paying me any child support now. Really, he cannot. Even though he gets unemployment it's barely enough to put a roof over his head.
I about have an anxiety attack when I think about it too much, but in reality, there is nothing I can do about it so I am letting it go. I pray he finds employment, luckily, he is looking and has a good letter of recommendation from his old job, they were bought out.
I cannot imagine how hard it has to be since you are still living together. I am going to second that you may need a new plan.
So so sorry....
I about have an anxiety attack when I think about it too much, but in reality, there is nothing I can do about it so I am letting it go. I pray he finds employment, luckily, he is looking and has a good letter of recommendation from his old job, they were bought out.
I cannot imagine how hard it has to be since you are still living together. I am going to second that you may need a new plan.
So so sorry....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Yes, I do think I need a new plan.
And it's confirmed, STBXAH called me today to tell me his work called him and said they dont need him the rest of the week so he is currently unemplyed again.UGGGHHH.
Firesprite- no I would not be in the same place if this happened after I moved and was divorced and he lost his job. With the settlement/divorce he is paying me a large sum of money as equity to purchase a house (he is getting this money from his parents)- within 30 days of him signing the agreement. If I just up and leave now before he signs, I have nothing because he has depleted our savings being unemployed the last 8 months.
Hopeful4-mine lost his job to corporate downsizing too and then got much worse with his drinking for months afterwards until he found this PT job. He has 2 doctorates and an MBA so he is very employable but in my opinion it's the drinking that has ruined him completely. I fear he will never be employed succesfully again which scares the beegesis out of me. He is opening his own business which has the potential to be sucessful but we all know it takes a long time before it becomes profitable.
I was just so close to it finally being over. I guess I just seriously have to rethink things.
And it's confirmed, STBXAH called me today to tell me his work called him and said they dont need him the rest of the week so he is currently unemplyed again.UGGGHHH.
Firesprite- no I would not be in the same place if this happened after I moved and was divorced and he lost his job. With the settlement/divorce he is paying me a large sum of money as equity to purchase a house (he is getting this money from his parents)- within 30 days of him signing the agreement. If I just up and leave now before he signs, I have nothing because he has depleted our savings being unemployed the last 8 months.
Hopeful4-mine lost his job to corporate downsizing too and then got much worse with his drinking for months afterwards until he found this PT job. He has 2 doctorates and an MBA so he is very employable but in my opinion it's the drinking that has ruined him completely. I fear he will never be employed succesfully again which scares the beegesis out of me. He is opening his own business which has the potential to be sucessful but we all know it takes a long time before it becomes profitable.
I was just so close to it finally being over. I guess I just seriously have to rethink things.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh...I am so sorry. Yup, I hear you. My XAH is good at what he does, but I feel as though the alcoholism will continue to progress and I too wonder if he will work again. At this point I am simply trying to figure out supporting my two kids on my own, as it looks like that is how it's going to go for quite some time.
The drinking got worse right away when he lost his job, just as I knew it would. I hope you are able to figure out a plan and protect yourself.
Many Hugs! XXX
The drinking got worse right away when he lost his job, just as I knew it would. I hope you are able to figure out a plan and protect yourself.
Many Hugs! XXX
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
You know, when my grand finale happened in June, my family all said - just GO. Just GO. Get out of there... I kept saying - yea but what about this and this and this - I can't just "GO" I have to accomplish A B C and D - but I had to trust them. I did have my parents financial help, not endless but I had some. I know that made things 'easier' for lack of a better term.
A few times I ran into small hiccups that caused me to say to my family - Well see you all told me to just GO and now this is happening and do you see how that wasn't a good idea? But the hiccup was just that - it passed.
I guess my point is that regardless of your reasons, and I am not saying they aren't valid or important or reasonable but sometimes you have to just GO and let the pieces fall as they will.
One of the things i was sick about was my house - I couldn't just walk away from the house. I am responsible for half the mortgage - how am I supposed to support two households?? I thought that house was going to be sitting on the market for god knows how long. It sold in 3 weeks. That wasn't in my plan.
I also thought for sure I'd be able to pocket about $6-7 grand from the house - I pocketed waaaaay less than that and that wasn't part of my plan either.
But I lived and I'm out...just a thought...
A few times I ran into small hiccups that caused me to say to my family - Well see you all told me to just GO and now this is happening and do you see how that wasn't a good idea? But the hiccup was just that - it passed.
I guess my point is that regardless of your reasons, and I am not saying they aren't valid or important or reasonable but sometimes you have to just GO and let the pieces fall as they will.
One of the things i was sick about was my house - I couldn't just walk away from the house. I am responsible for half the mortgage - how am I supposed to support two households?? I thought that house was going to be sitting on the market for god knows how long. It sold in 3 weeks. That wasn't in my plan.
I also thought for sure I'd be able to pocket about $6-7 grand from the house - I pocketed waaaaay less than that and that wasn't part of my plan either.
But I lived and I'm out...just a thought...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by unsureoffuture 
He is opening his own business which has the potential to be sucessful but we all know it takes a long time before it becomes profitable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Ugh...I am so sorry. Yup, I hear you. My XAH is good at what he does, but I feel as though the alcoholism will continue to progress and I too wonder if he will work again. At this point I am simply trying to figure out supporting my two kids on my own, as it looks like that is how it's going to go for quite some time.
The drinking got worse right away when he lost his job, just as I knew it would. I hope you are able to figure out a plan and protect yourself.
Many Hugs! XXX
The drinking got worse right away when he lost his job, just as I knew it would. I hope you are able to figure out a plan and protect yourself.
Many Hugs! XXX
That is exactly what happened with my stbxh. When he lost his job he drank way more. I don't think he is capable of working at all anymore. He does a few things on the side but only enough to cover what he drinks and smokes in a day. Food is not important to him at all. He will go days and days without eating until his poor old mother brings him food. He is NEVER without the vodka and cigarettes though. never.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
