"Sober-ish" now & cannot communicate!!

Old 10-28-2014, 09:04 AM
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"Sober-ish" now & cannot communicate!!

I don't even know what I am dealing with anymore. I knew that the first year of recovery is tough on relationships, but this seems extreme. RAH had been sober for 9 months. He's going to AA and a counselor. About a month ago RAH came home from work telling me all about his desire to drink still daily, and began informing me about relapse, as if he was trying to justify it or prepare me by saying that almost all alcoholics do it, and that he still fights the urges daily, blah blah blah. When I expressed my feelings on that, telling him that I hoped he didn't relapse, I didn't want to go back there, that it made me feel very insecure. That I was sad that he was just as tempted as day one and it wasn't any easier for him yet was scary. After I said that he got really defensive and said he was just telling me that this isn't easy, and that I need to let go of my past feeling and fears so I don't judge him moving forward. Of course I let him know that what he just said was naturally going to play on my past experiences and that he cannot just dictate that I forget all that. That the slate is never fully wiped clean in that way for the SO and that we have to work around it and we have relapses of our own type. Of course he just got madder at that point, and so did I.

He tells that I need to work on myself- which equates in his mind that I need to find a way to give him a clean slate and not apply any past memory/feeling to anything that happens now. He resents that I have these memories, he thinks that he's made his amends by staying sober 9 months. He doesn't even have the blow device out of his car yet and he expects amnesia on my part! You'd think I bring up past hurts daily or weekly, I DO NOT. This was the FIRST time I had mentioned any insecurity when he started talking about relapse. I've stayed out of the way of his program/progress, he brought it up.

I mean WTH??? I am not getting this nor do I appreciate it. And... he did relapse this last Friday night. I did nothing, went to bed and after he got up the next day, said that I hope this doesn't become a pattern again, he's not going to sit here and drink, and it will do nothing to help the cause he so desires and went on with my day. Almost every day since this disagreement has started 5 weeks ago, he comes home from work irritable, miserable, withdrawn, a bad mood in general. He's hard to live with. Maybe someone can shed some light on this. I am completely frustrated, doing my best to stay out of his way, and cope with my own feelings on my own time, not his time. He resents me for not forgetting and I feel he's punishing me. I am beginning to think sober or not he's just messed up, and there is no hope at all. Hes angry because he can't control my feelings. I cannot talk to this man because he's soooo defensive yet. Not sure what to do at this point. My deep feeling is that he wants to drink again off an on and this is his way of trying to pin me into not getting upset about it-by pressing the clean slate thing, every day is a new day, one day at a time thing. If I were to say that to him, he'd chastise me and say I am fabricating things in my mind and using the past against him. So, I will never say it even though it's on my mind. So, not sure where this leaves us. We cannot communicate at all.
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Old 10-28-2014, 09:14 AM
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Hes angry because he can't control my feelings.
That sounds like a fair analysis. It also sounds like he was preparing to take a relapse, and when your reaction to it was not what he wanted, he's back in a pre-recovery mindset ("she's making me stay sober and I don't wanna").

I know recovery for an addict is difficult, but I also get a lot of warning flags when an addict starts taking someone else's inventory and talking about how "normal" relapses are. Those things sound like excuses to drink to me, and not the behavior of somebody who is fully committed to their recovery.

I never went through the recovery period with my ex; I left before he tried getting sober (he failed). But my RA friends, the ones that have successfully worked on recovery and stayed sober for years, are people who have taken full responsibility for their drinking and not tried to pawn it off on somebody else.
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Old 10-28-2014, 09:28 AM
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I know a few people who got sober after many many years of drinking... One is the dad of a good friend.

His wife, and the kids up and left because the mom had had enough of his BS.

He decided on his own to get sober and from what my friend and her mom have told me (and they shared a lot over the years) he focussed on staying sober and being a good man, good dad, good husband. He cared about their feelings, he dealt with how they felt and not just his needs/wants etc...

He is sober still 13 years later and kind amazing guy.

I think when A's start in with "I have to focus only on me- it's all about me me me" that is just step one in the slow path to relapse...

The more empathetic we are to others the better for our own health is what I think... I always have been irritated by those (my xAH being one) who when they profess to be serious about "recovery" seem to think that being self absorbed and self centered somehow has to do with recovery...

Sounds to me that your "R" AH is looking to blame you for why he's miserable if he stays sober or why he relapses as he clearly sounds like he plans to.

Recovering from being an A seems to me to be much more about changing the victim/entitlement mentality than it does the actual drinking...
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Old 10-28-2014, 09:36 AM
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I would say, stay in your own hula hoop.

If you accept that you cannot control him, then you stop seeing his actions as trying to control you.

Acceptance is the answer. He's not drinking today. Today is all any of us have.

Celebrate his not drinking. (Quietly, to yourself, be grateful).
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Old 10-28-2014, 09:38 AM
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petmagnet....this is why I have come to the conclusion that there should be a federal law that the alcoholic should live away from the family for the first year of recovery (at minimum). For their own welfare and that of their loved ones, alike! I am be a little bit sarcastic, here....bit, I think I still h ave a good point!

There is all kinds of alcoholic craziness going on in his head, right now. That is expected, but don't try to analyze it and don't get sucked into trying to help him cope with. He knows very well that this is what his program members and his sponsor and counselor are for.

If he offers you the ball---just punt it back to him. That is in his hula hoop and he has to learn to cope with it himself.

What you are going to to to protect yourself and your peace of m ind is within your hula hoop. I am thinking that perhaps you need to tighten your boundaries and that you may also need SPACE from him. You may need to take it if he is unwilling to give it.
You will have to do whatever it takes.

You do know that everything coming out of his mouth is just quacking...don't you...?!

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Old 10-28-2014, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
petmagnet....this is why I have come to the conclusion that there should be a federal law that the alcoholic should live away from the family for the first year of recovery (at minimum).

If he offers you the ball---just punt it back to him. That is in his hula hoop and he has to learn to cope with it himself.



You do know that everything coming out of his mouth is just quacking...don't you...?!

dandylion
Ha ha, you made me smile. I agree totally on the living apart during recovery for the first year... or two for that matter, it might be less taxing for sure! And, yes I agree with both of you that I need to tighten down my hula hoop. I let something get in that I shouldn't have. I am working on what to do with my fears/anger as part of my recovery, and how to move forward again when a set back does occur, because they happen. I do realize it's the alcoholic quacking at me right now! Ugh.
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Old 10-28-2014, 01:41 PM
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wow I can relate to your post big time. My ex A didn't relapse yet that I know of but a lot of what you said I remember going through. He was also sober about 9 months when I left him.

I remember him making me feel like I wouldn't let the past go, and that I was dwelling and that I had to figure out how to get past my hurt. A part of me felt like because I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't forgive that there was something wrong with me. I mean forgiving someone isn't a bad thing.

We couldn't really talk either. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling because I either A. Didn't care and couldn't hide it or B. Cared for a minute but lost the feeling and got defensive C. It triggered my own resentments and insecurities and yes, I guess it came across as being judgemental because mine would accuse me of that too.

I also was very disappointed in "sobriety" and started to see he had way more issues than just alcohol.

Maybe you have had enough. Maybe you can't do it anymore.

Just so you know, if you have had enough, it's ok. You can say that and feel that. I didn't feel like I could. I felt like he had "gone through all of this trouble" to get sober, went to rehab, went to outpaitent, went to counseling, the least I could do was try to work it out. But there was just no way.
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Old 10-28-2014, 02:18 PM
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Pet - what were/are your boundaries with AH with regards to a relapse?
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Old 10-29-2014, 12:02 PM
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I think a good counselor would be best~They can work wonders and get to alanon. Invite him to go, be accepting if he resists at first. One person changing in a relationship can work miracles~it also can take time~God bless
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Old 10-29-2014, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Pet - what were/are your boundaries with AH with regards to a relapse?
My boundaries are that he has to keep going to AA meetings and going to see his addictions counselor. Which he is doing still. Should he become complacent about his recovery and not take it seriously, with it becoming a regular habit or coping mechanism again, which is not just a relapse, I will move out and not be in a direct relationship with him any longer.
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Old 10-29-2014, 12:35 PM
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It got to the point that when my ex began talking about “relapse” it usually meant he already had.

The anger they have is at themselves but comes out at those around them. He wants to drink period. He wants to “manage” his drinking……………..not ready to totally give it up yet.

So, knowing that, where do you go from here? What were your initial boundaries regarding relapse? What plans did you have in place in the event his sobriety didn’t last?
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Old 10-29-2014, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by petmagnet View Post
Should he become complacent about his recovery and not take it seriously
In terms of "tightening up your hula hoop", this might be a good place to start.

Complacency and seriousness are subjective terms, and therefore impossible for you nail down. IMO it probably would be a good idea to not even start down that path. Confrontations that included the line "You're not taking this seriously" usually end up somewhere in left field, and rarely end productively. At least in my experience. It's just too easy for the other person to say "yes I am".

I've said many times before that we need to use our A's sober time to our advantage, by working on our own recovery. Try and use this time as best you can to patch up that hula hoop. Little things like language can make a big difference when establishing boundaries. Not just for your A but for yourself as well. Boundaries, after all, are for you.

Good Luck, Petmagnet. I think this is a very valuable post.
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