I really need my SRF family today!!!!!!

Old 10-27-2014, 05:14 AM
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I really need my SRF family today!!!!!!

I am having a hard time right now, making myself sick. Last night I was in bed before 9:00. Kids and I are in our apartment and kids are doing much better. Grades are improving, attitudes are better, no stress, my daughter who is 12 has stopped going to dad's because she does not want to be there, son who is 9, goes but would rather not. AH is doing his same song and dance, about wanting us to try counseling because we never tried that before. Thinks we should atleast try that before giving up. Says he doesn't want to say goodbye because he loves me soooo much. He hasn't really drank much the past month and a half. But I have heard that all before too. Thinks if we can be a happy family then he won't have the urge to drink, says he doesn't need to hang with anyone but kids and I. He is really getting to me and I know I can't go back. Kids will never forgive me. They don't ever want to be a family, as of now. I just don't know how to tell him, that I am done. Making it final, can't quite convince myself that I need to let him go permanently, something holds me back all the time. Yesterday my anxiety was thru the roof, which ended in me having a panic attack and getting sick. I don't want to not feel good. I want to be happy and have fun with my kids.
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:35 AM
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I know it is hard detaching. I have been separated for over 2 years and it is still hard for me. What I do, when I am feeling weak (and I was feeling weak this weekend) is think ahead to what it will do to my children if I stay in the unhealthy.

I hear a term in the Alanon circles of "fake it till you make it" and that is truly what I do at times. The A in our lives will say whatever they have to when they feel like they are losing us. That is the manipulation.

I also learned to control my breathing when I am feeling overwhelmed. It does not allow me to get anxious and panicky.

This is very painful but he is sick. You and me as the codies are sick too. All involved need to feel, deal and then heal. You can do this. Just keep thinking ahead to the chaos and dysfunction if you dont make a change. To this day, I am still in love with the husband I knew...but I am grieving him. He does not exist anymore....
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:38 AM
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Hi MyFreedom sorry you are having to deal with all this.

I have read back through your threads. You have moved in and out of living with AH a couple times since 2011 correct? Multiple DUI, two PFA, and the normal insanity of living with an alcoholic.

I implore you to listen to your children and educate yourself about what happens to kids whom are raised in an alcoholic home. Children need stability - they have it where you are now - they do not want to be around their father.

Happiness is not a cure for alcoholism. What your AH is doing is manipulating you. "If we are a family I will quit drinking"……well, haven't you BEEN a family before? Haven't you moved out and back in before? Why didn't it work before?

No one, or no situation can cure alcoholism except the desire to be sober. You are worried about hurting his feelings - is is worried about hurting you and your children? Nope. Because like most alcoholics he has a myopic vision of life that there world revolves around him and he is the most important part of the puzzle; therefore, HIS needs, HIS feelings and HIS desires come FIRST.

Thing is you aren't required to tell him anything, he knows you and he is putting pressure on you doing a little button pushing here. You do not have to tell him you are done until you are ready to do so.

I think you do need to lay some boundaries that would be healthy for you such as not taking his calls or discussing things beyond the kids. He doesn't get to control you unless you let him.

Best to you and (((hugs)))
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:38 AM
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At times, I don't know whether he is quacking or he is really sincere because he makes it sound sincere. Yesterday he was actually crying. Its when I am not around him that I start feeling that need because when I am with him, I CAN'T STAND HIM!!!!!
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:44 AM
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My dear how many times have you been through this?

Have you attended Al Anon? I strongly encourage you do. You need some help on your side of the street don't focus on his side.
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:46 AM
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He just doesn't understand my feelings and thoughts or his daughter's. He thinks I am giving her too much control for 12 yrs old and that she should not be this distant from him. Says i could be more of a help and talk to her, about how much of a good man he is and she needs her father. Thinks she is following what I do. Thinks counseling will help us see what we both did wrong in our marriage so we can fix it. That our love will conquer all........ He just won't let up.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:40 AM
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Myfreedom, your mind is made up and all you are lacking is a way to tell him. It is kinder to be straight and completely honest with him, because he's hanging on in hope. Set him free.

Does it really matter if he's sincere or not? You can't stand him.

Find a way to tell him, even if you have to work with a counsellor to do it.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:40 AM
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myfreedom.....I do understand how hard it is to do what you have to do if he is pounding on the "door" constantly. Undoubtedly, he is leaning hard on your guilt buttons---and, believes that if he can wear you down---you will relent. After all, this has worked for him in the past. He wants what he wants and he will do what works to get what he wants (don't we all do that? really). The problem is that what he wants will harm other people. And, it certainly won't "help" him and his alcoholism, either.

This man hasn't stopped drinking. He is still blaming you for the drinking. He is still thinking like an alcoholic....and that takes a long time to change. He doesn't sound remotely working on genuine recovery. And, he certainly doesn't sound like he grasps, at all, the damage that his disease has done to his loved ones.

I recall when I divorced my narcissistic husband (father of my 3 children). When he realized that I was dead serious.....the behavior that you describe began! The crying...the sending of gifts...the "promises"....the laying on my gilt buttons....trying to get others to plead to me on his behalf.

Problem was...that I had had all that I could take and I knew in my soul that there was no going back. We could no longer be the sacrificial lambs on the alter of what just made him happy--with no regard of our welfare!! I knew that.

myfreedom...there is NO easy way to tell him the truth. There is no way that he won't be upset. That is the part that you will have to accept. You have to do it NO MATTER what the difficulty.
It is either..do it now....or do it later--after even more damage from the disease has ravaged you--the kids--and, even him.
There comes a point when you have to ask....How much am I going to give over to this disease? And, you cannot expect him to agree with you....cause he won't. Not now...and, not later, either.

myfreedom...you are going to have to get tough in order to honor your own thoughts, beliefs and your own truth. This is just the way it is. If you don't protect yourself and your kids..nobody else is going to do it.
This includes drawing firm boundaries. Write the truth on a piece of paper and read it from a piece of paper, if you have to!!!!!!!
I always say that I had to grow a thick rhino skin....LOL!

There comes a time when you just gotta do what you gotta do. And, during that time it is best to keep your brain in charge...because your heart cannot be trusted (it is too vulnerable, just n ow).

I know that I am talking to you like a "Dutch Uncle". I sure hope you can forgive me for that....I am trying to be your friend.

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Old 10-27-2014, 06:44 AM
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I am sorry. I understand your struggle. However, I think your kids are seeing things a lot more clearly than you are. They need you to protect them and to do the right things for THEM. They are first, no matter what.

He is not drinking....much. Well, that says a lot. An alcoholic cannot drink...AT ALL because it will change and progress. He is doing this now b/c he knows you are on the fence.

I am sorry. Stay your course. Give yourself time to heal, and above all else, put your children first.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:57 AM
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I know the struggle to resist moving back in with the alcoholic. I battle it constantly.
The advice to let your head rule is right on! I am glad we are all here for each other.
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:10 AM
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Well he has basically said that if we were truly happy, he would have no problem having just a few now and then together like we used to. He would love to have those few with me. I hardly drink, maybe a few every 4 months or so. How the hell is he gonna do that?
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:23 AM
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myfreedom....YOU know that he can't. But, you will never convince him, with logic, that he can't.

A fact that he can't appreciated is that his definition of you all being "happy" again does not take in the fact that his alcoholism will continue to cause destruction, He is in denial because he is an alcoholic.

This is not a debate.....where someone "wins" just because they have better debating skills.
My fear for you is that if you seek agreement, at all costs, that you will pay for it with the suffering of y our children and yourself.
This is not a compromising situtation, either! People compromise when they are on the same team. The two of you are not on the same side when it comes to this issue. It comes down to one or the others.

Look at it this way....one of you is going to be disappointed.....WHO IS IT GOING TO BE?
A good codie will always let the other person "win" at the cost of their own demise.
(there are three to be disappointed....really (you and your 2? children).

dandylion

I can't help but think of your forum name, right now! my freedom....LOL!
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:45 AM
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Given everything that is going on I would recommend having you and your children go to Al anon and get a good counselor to assist you and your children. He needs to work on his own recovery good the children and you are in a safe place.
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:52 AM
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He says, he says, he says. What about YOU.

Really nothing has changed. Being forthright and honest about being done is the kindest thing you can do for him, and I think you know that. But I'm not convinced you really are done. I think you know what the best thing to do is but don't feel it yet.

Please read Dandylion's thread about Time and Space. You need both. And you need to know it is okay to ask for and to take both. You're letting his words pressure you into making decisions right this second when in reality there is no time limit for you to decide what is best for you and your kids and to take action.

It sounds like he is just trying to wear you down and confuse you. Turn down the volume or get out of the front row or whatever metaphor you need to help you back off from all this quacking and focus on what makes you happy, moment by moment, day by day.

I know how confusing and overwhelming all of this can be but you have more power here than you give yourself credit for. Sending strength and courage and patience your way.
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Overit23 View Post
He needs to work on his own recovery good the children and you are in a safe place.
Did I miss something? Is myfreedom's AH in a recovery program? I don't think so because he's still drinking... just not that much (per HIM).

Myfreedom: Do you really want to go back to this?



AH of 11 yrs has been playing mr. innocent the past couple weeks. Didnt matter to me. Knew it was an act and basically I dont care anymore. Saturday night comes home in a rampage. Wakes me up yelling about me being so mean to him for months. Threatens to bash my face in. Goes out and sits on chair. Gets up to take pants off, which he falls in the process, gets upand gets ashtray and starts urinating in it, while it is going all over carpet. Puts ashtray on table and stumbles to kitchen. Sees me standing there and starts again. During which he says he oughta smack me, grab me by hair and drag me to the curb, spitting in my face,etc. My children are upstairs, 7 & 10, plus my daughter has a friend over. My son who is 7 is crying, saying he needs to come down to go to bathroom. AH tells him to shut up, pee in the bed. He lets him come down. He goes back up, still crying, I said to ah to please stop. He says to me, "does it look like I f****** care if he is crying, this is my house". I am just sitting there, afraid to even move. Says he will do what he wants in his house. Finally done, passes out in chair with cigarette hanging out mouth. That was it for me. Today I am filing a pfa to have him removed from house. Wanted to wait till after holidays but cant. He is on 2nd dui, which means court will not let him be with kids without supervision. Fine with me. What is so scary is that house is in his name and he is gonna be made leave. I am also going for support and may even file for divorce. He is going to be furious. I have no where to go right now, not till maybe February. He can come back then. I am just so done with everything, I cant stand to look at him one more day. Am I doing right thing?
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This was from 2 years ago. Just a gentle reminder. (((HUGS)))
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:23 AM
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WOW REFINER........ Thank you for that. I needed to see that. didn't rrealize at first that it was my own post!!!!
No I do not want to go back to that ever again. I like my cozy little apartment and kids and I being in a peaceful atmosphere. I need to stop feeling guilty when he pushes my buttons and lays it on so thick that I start feeling sorry for him. I have asked him to get help first and then possibly marriage counseling. He wants the dr to tell him that he should go for help, that we should do this together and work on both of our problems TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME. I have told him no.
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:25 AM
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Refiner hugs and keep going. What an im Bicile he is. Why should you and your kids put up with that abuse. Abuse is what he is doing
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Old 10-27-2014, 12:03 PM
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Now that was a shot in the arm! Way to go.

MyFreedom, please remain strong. Honor your self and your children. I hit 4 Al-anon meetings last week and gained the strength and clarity I needed to finally release my XABF.

You have the power to stop this craziness.

Last edited by FeliciaM; 10-27-2014 at 12:04 PM. Reason: spell
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Old 10-27-2014, 12:35 PM
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I have heard of some marriage therapists that won't counsel couples if one is an addict. They want the addict to work on his issues and then you have a little chance on making it as a couple.

If you are saying you like your cozy apartment and things are peaceful, then you need to listen to yourself. Why would you go back to the craziness, if you left it? I understand that you love him, we all love our addicts. Its doesn't mean that we have to live with them, today. See what happens, see if he is ready to get sober on his own.

I am divorcing on Wednesday, closing on my home on the 12 of November. This is after 34 years together. It kills me inside, but it is what I need to do for me. Take your time and don't rush any solutions. Its amazing how things will fall into place, somehow. Good luck!!
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Old 10-27-2014, 12:40 PM
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When one person is an addict, the other cannot be their support system. That is why they have a sponsor and people in their lives that can support them. You are much too close to the situation to do such a thing, and why should you? You need your own support system!

He wants you to go to counseling w/him so he can manipulate and convince you it's ok to drink "some." We all know how that is going to turn out, hence your old post.

Please stay the course and listen to your children.

XXX
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