I really need my SRF family today!!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
You've got this! I'm glad you're staying away. Do this for your kids...they know and they are telling you!! Keep them safe, and continue to put them first (and yourself)! I know how hard it has to be, but you've already left-- the hardest part is over. If you go back now, it will be so much harder to try to leave again.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
I know this is all manipulation. He has gave me these lines before. He is so persistent in saying we can get thru this with counseling but we need to do it together. Im sick of hearing it. He doesnt want to quit drinking, bottom line.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
myfreedom....you are right...the bottom line is that he doesn't want to stop drinking!
Besides this..it is accepted by most that couples therapy does not work with active addiction. Most counselors will recommend individual counseling, instead.
Since he is so persistent, and, that is driving you crazy....maybe it is time for you to put much more firm boundaries around LISTENING to him. The kind of things like leaving the room or area when he is talking about it. Putting on earphones and pretending to be preoccupied and can't hear him when he is talking. Limiting texting or phone calls with him. Ending the conversation, immediately, if he brings it up. Above all--not getting into a verbal debate with him on the subject.
In other words---detachment. Treat him like an annoying salesman or debt collector that you would like to get rid of....LOL!
dandylion
Besides this..it is accepted by most that couples therapy does not work with active addiction. Most counselors will recommend individual counseling, instead.
Since he is so persistent, and, that is driving you crazy....maybe it is time for you to put much more firm boundaries around LISTENING to him. The kind of things like leaving the room or area when he is talking about it. Putting on earphones and pretending to be preoccupied and can't hear him when he is talking. Limiting texting or phone calls with him. Ending the conversation, immediately, if he brings it up. Above all--not getting into a verbal debate with him on the subject.
In other words---detachment. Treat him like an annoying salesman or debt collector that you would like to get rid of....LOL!
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
My friend separated from her husband with 2 very small children, due to infidelity.
He kept telling her, "You should put this energy into saving your marriage".
She pointed out the current infidelity.
He said, "Well, if you are leaving me, I am not giving her up!"
She said, "I wouldn't be leaving if you would stop being in contact with her and show some signs of respect for your marriage vows".
He says....................blah, blah, blah.. or something.
She left.
The chick moved to Australia.
He is alone.
She met her soul-mate.
The end.
He kept telling her, "You should put this energy into saving your marriage".
She pointed out the current infidelity.
He said, "Well, if you are leaving me, I am not giving her up!"
She said, "I wouldn't be leaving if you would stop being in contact with her and show some signs of respect for your marriage vows".
He says....................blah, blah, blah.. or something.
She left.
The chick moved to Australia.
He is alone.
She met her soul-mate.
The end.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by myfreedom 
I know this is all manipulation. He has gave me these lines before. He is so persistent in saying we can get thru this with counseling but we need to do it together. Im sick of hearing it. He doesnt want to quit drinking, bottom line.
I know it's hard, but the only way to stop him laying it on thick is to tell him there's no chance of a reconciliation. I'm basing my words on you saying that when you're together you 'can't stand him'. You just can't build a marriage on that, no matter how much counselling you have.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
He says he is working on his drinking by not doing it as much, that will only last so long. Says I need to stop being negative all the time and look at all the good in him. Intelligent, good man. Well I just can't seem to keep those thoughts in my head for more than a minute. Feels we should go to counseling and atleast hear what they have to say. He has even accused me of being afraid because they will point out my issues that I need to change.
Some of his texts:
"If you would put the effort into lovin me, as you put into doubting me or who I am, we might be OK. I'll never understand why you won't, I don't care what you read, none of it matters to me, only you!!!!! I'm glad your so perfect and I'm just a failure. I don't know what else you want me to do. I don't have money or time to take off work to satisfy your wants, all I can do is keep working on not to drink, and that's not good enough for you. All I want is to love you and my family, but you don't want to let me love you. I want you to be there with me. Well I'm here when you can look at me in a positive way and realize what kind of man I am."
And he just keeps sending these all day long. Even after I told him not to bother me.
Some of his texts:
"If you would put the effort into lovin me, as you put into doubting me or who I am, we might be OK. I'll never understand why you won't, I don't care what you read, none of it matters to me, only you!!!!! I'm glad your so perfect and I'm just a failure. I don't know what else you want me to do. I don't have money or time to take off work to satisfy your wants, all I can do is keep working on not to drink, and that's not good enough for you. All I want is to love you and my family, but you don't want to let me love you. I want you to be there with me. Well I'm here when you can look at me in a positive way and realize what kind of man I am."
And he just keeps sending these all day long. Even after I told him not to bother me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Originally Posted by myfreedom
And he just keeps sending these all day long. Even after I told him not to bother me.
I'm not sure if you're up for it, but you might be able to get an order for him to stop harassing you. Worth calling the DV Helpline and asking them if there's any way you can force him to stop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
That's harassment, a form of abuse. I suppose you can't block him because you need to communicate about the kids?
I'm not sure if you're up for it, but you might be able to get an order for him to stop harassing you. Worth calling the DV Helpline and asking them if there's any way you can force him to stop.
I'm not sure if you're up for it, but you might be able to get an order for him to stop harassing you. Worth calling the DV Helpline and asking them if there's any way you can force him to stop.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by myfreedom
He says he is working on his drinking by not doing it as much, that will only last so long. Says I need to stop being negative all the time and look at all the good in him. Intelligent, good man. Well I just can't seem to keep those thoughts in my head for more than a minute. Feels we should go to counseling and atleast hear what they have to say. He has even accused me of being afraid because they will point out my issues that I need to change.
Some of his texts:
"If you would put the effort into lovin me, as you put into doubting me or who I am, we might be OK. I'll never understand why you won't, I don't care what you read, none of it matters to me, only you!!!!! I'm glad your so perfect and I'm just a failure. I don't know what else you want me to do. I don't have money or time to take off work to satisfy your wants, all I can do is keep working on not to drink, and that's not good enough for you. All I want is to love you and my family, but you don't want to let me love you. I want you to be there with me. Well I'm here when you can look at me in a positive way and realize what kind of man I am."
And he just keeps sending these all day long. Even after I told him not to bother me.
Some of his texts:
"If you would put the effort into lovin me, as you put into doubting me or who I am, we might be OK. I'll never understand why you won't, I don't care what you read, none of it matters to me, only you!!!!! I'm glad your so perfect and I'm just a failure. I don't know what else you want me to do. I don't have money or time to take off work to satisfy your wants, all I can do is keep working on not to drink, and that's not good enough for you. All I want is to love you and my family, but you don't want to let me love you. I want you to be there with me. Well I'm here when you can look at me in a positive way and realize what kind of man I am."
And he just keeps sending these all day long. Even after I told him not to bother me.
As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, please
do not even consider for one minute putting your children
back in the awful situation with an active alcoholic.
It damaged me for life.
I wish I'd had a parent strong enough to protect me from
the trauma.
Hold the line and listen to your gut and your kids.
They know more than your heart at the moment. . .
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
Myfreedom-- this is the hardest thing and it's amazing how they just keep coming back and poking, and poking, and poking at this, until it seems easier to say yes than keep dealing with it.
But stay strong. I just sent my separated RAH of 44 years an email telling him I was done discussing reconciliation for now. But my RAH does listen to me, where it sounds your AH does not. Can you block his tests, as others have suggested, and communicate only through a third party?
All this quacking makes it very hard to hear yourself think. I've had to put a rope around the duck's bill to shut him up for now.
But stay strong. I just sent my separated RAH of 44 years an email telling him I was done discussing reconciliation for now. But my RAH does listen to me, where it sounds your AH does not. Can you block his tests, as others have suggested, and communicate only through a third party?
All this quacking makes it very hard to hear yourself think. I've had to put a rope around the duck's bill to shut him up for now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by dandylion
myfreedom....might I ask...what kind of support do you have, right now. We all need some peeps in our corner when we are going through difficult changes.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I can see why you're at your wits end. It may become necessary to block him for your sake, and perhaps find some other way you can communicate about the kids.
The more you tell the worse he sounds. I'm wondering whether a lawyer's letter requesting he confine all communication to practical matters would work? If it was laid out clearly in writing you would have more ammunition to approach a court if he ignores it. As for it doing harm, well it's making you very stressed and anxious.
The more you tell the worse he sounds. I'm wondering whether a lawyer's letter requesting he confine all communication to practical matters would work? If it was laid out clearly in writing you would have more ammunition to approach a court if he ignores it. As for it doing harm, well it's making you very stressed and anxious.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
my freedom...I am glad to hear that you have co-workers and a few family members in your corner (and US, of course...LOL!).
I suggest that you consider alanon---because, there is nothing like those who have had to deal first-hand with the insanity of this disease. They understand and support in ways that goes beyond words. And, they will help you to stay strong in your resolve.
dandylion
I suggest that you consider alanon---because, there is nothing like those who have had to deal first-hand with the insanity of this disease. They understand and support in ways that goes beyond words. And, they will help you to stay strong in your resolve.
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
"If you would put the effort into lovin me, as you put into doubting me or who I am, we might be OK. I'll never understand why you won't, I don't care what you read, none of it matters to me, only you!!!!! I'm glad your so perfect and I'm just a failure. I don't know what else you want me to do. I don't have money or time to take off work to satisfy your wants, all I can do is keep working on not to drink, and that's not good enough for you. All I want is to love you and my family, but you don't want to let me love you. I want you to be there with me. Well I'm here when you can look at me in a positive way and realize what kind of man I am:
HOLY CRAP! I must have been cc'd on this because I got the same e mail this week. Amazing~ WOW Stay strong- I am trying to stay strong too- got the text this evening that he is trying- 1 full day sober - and that should mean something. What the French?
HOLY CRAP! I must have been cc'd on this because I got the same e mail this week. Amazing~ WOW Stay strong- I am trying to stay strong too- got the text this evening that he is trying- 1 full day sober - and that should mean something. What the French?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Quack Decoder:
* "Let's try counseling so we can talk about both our problems" = I want to blame you in front of someone.
* "If we can be a happy family, I won't have the urge to drink" = It's your fault I drink.
* "I haven't really drank much the past month and a half" = I am still drinking. I have no clue about Step 1.
* "Let's try counseling so we can talk about both our problems" = I want to blame you in front of someone.
* "If we can be a happy family, I won't have the urge to drink" = It's your fault I drink.
* "I haven't really drank much the past month and a half" = I am still drinking. I have no clue about Step 1.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
He doesn't want the drinking brought up as a problem, that we should work on our communication skills and just love each other and be happy. So what happens when you decide to drink???? I am supposed to be ok with that because we are happy in love again????? NO THANK YOU!!!!!!!! As soon as I don't acknowledge him or his texts, he starts acting like a baby. He has slowed down on the texts which is good.
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myfreedom.....you are right on target! There is a saying that I have heard....."If you want to know that an alcoholic is full of crap (trying to protect their drinking)....just tell them "no"! They will usually go full-tilt tantrum.
dandylion
dandylion
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