Butterfly

I don't even know how to explain this so please forgive me while I try to figure it out.

We were together 18 years, he'd struggled with controlling his drinking for these years, I don't think he wanted to or thought it was a problem before he met me and it certainly took many years for him to acknowledge he had a drinking problem. My AH told me so many times how much he was in love with me, never wanted to be without me how he couldn't cope with being without me and would drink every night to cope with losing me. All the talk about getting help so he wouldn't lose me only for him to walk out and basically ignore me.

If I hadnt made a fool of myself and tortured him all those months I don't think I'd have heard from him, he certainly hasn't been in contact with me. Was it all lies and manipulation, so he could stay at home and drink but when he realised I was serious about him getting help and that I would no longer listen to his "I can manage this myself" and "I don't need help" and was reaching my breaking point he leaves. How can they walk away and ignore people they are supposed to love and care about.

Even the kids he picks our son up for school and sometimes brings him home but only as he is going to work in the same direction and if they're lucky once a week for dinner, but he doesn't have to answer questions or explain his drinking to them but he's even shutting them out.

I get that their addiction is the only focus and more important but do they just not care except about their next drink and having the freedom to drink or are they so ashamed of their actions. On the other side of the forum someone told me the reason they shut the people who love them out so they don't have to face up to what they've done and the hurt they've caused.

Sorry I know I've discussed this before but I really struggle with understanding this part of addiction.

dandylion

Butterfly....I encourage you to visit this website: bma-wellness.com Read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Begin with "Addiction, Lies and Relationships". You might also like---"Excuses Alcoholics Make". The are many others ones, as well, that are excellent.

The questions that you are asking seem to revolve around the dynamics of "how alcoholics think". Of course, I am all for study and gaining knowledge--as a matter of fact, I often recommend this as one of the fundamentals in beginning recovery.
It is good to know what one is up against, in my opinion.

Having said this---I want to alert you to the fact that all of the knowledge will not take the place of the work that you have to do on your self---primarily accepting that he DID leave, regardless of the "reasons". Accepting that he is not the way you want him to be. Accepting that you have no control of him. Accepting that the relationship that you wanted with him is not to be.

This, I believe, is the greatest and probably the most difficult first step for the alcoholic and their partner, alike---the step of accepting the reality of what is.

You have shared with us about your mother leaving you time and time again, during your youth. I can only imagine how deeply this hurt you---and I know your family of origin work with your therapist is very important for you--as, undoubtedly, your feelings about this painful experience must be layered on top of your feelings about the situation with your husband.

By all means...read the work of Dr. Garrett...but, do not veer from the work on yourself...because there is where the real healing will be. Also..don't forget about Time and Space...LOL!!

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

I used to try to figure out other people, including the alcoholic in my codependent relationship. Thing is, you can never get inside someone else's head and even if you could, it wouldn't make a difference. We're powerless over people, places and things. I recommend Alanon, a wonderful program where we learn to deal with our own issues.

Back when I drank alcoholically (23 years ago) I didn't care about anything, not about myself or others. A friend later remarked that it was like I got in an elevator and pushed the down button. Alcohol numbed my feelings (the point of drinking) but also my ability to care about much of anything. A very close brush with death got my attention, however, and fear led me to the rooms of AA and recovery.

As a codependent it's much easier to put the focus on someone else's addiction but that way leads to misery. Alanon and the 12 Steps brought about a major transformation in my life. God bless.

Butterfly

Thank you dandylion. Iam working hard on me and I haven't had any contact with him since my last disasortous phone call nearly 2 weeks ago and I know if I contact him it will end up the same, I love you, I want to be with you or I don't want to be with you, I don't know if I mean that I don't know what I want my heads all over the place your better off without me.

I can't cope with it anymore but his actions for whatever reason have really hurt me, we agreed months ago to meet up at the end of September to talk but this was put off to the end of October and it's nearing that time and I haven't heard from him, but don't worry I won't be contacting him to ask if we are still meeting up!

I think when I start to go down that road of why I just need to remind myself the why doesn't matter, he left he doesn't want to be with me!

I've also started my Christmas shopping and I keep seeing things I would want to buy for him but I don't and everyone's talking about their plans for Christmas and all I think is im going to be home alone Christmas Day yes il have my kids but they will be upstairs in their bedrooms as they usually are with their presents and il be alone this makes me really sad and tearful thinking about it. He will be here Christmas morning to see the kids open their presents as he gave me half the money towards them but he will then go and I know that will be hard. I really should have just bought my own presents and let him buy his own but I was worried about being able to afford the same as they would usually get, I think next year il buy my own.

Am I future tripping when I'm worrying about something less than 2 months away?

Butterfly

Thank you nyc I guess that's why it is a progressive disease people drink more and more to block everything out and numb their feelings.

NYCDoglvr

In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson calls alcoholism "cunning, baffling and powerful." One major component is delusional thinking: I'm a very smart person but it never occurred to me I could choose to not drink ... I never knew I had a choice until someone told me after I got sober. Really? Duh! It's called the "disease of insanity" because the alcoholic keeps drinking despite the terrible consequences, hangovers and feeling depressed all the time (hey, we're imbibing a depressant!). It's classified as a mental illness for a good reason.

Yup. I had a wonderful sponsor who kept saying "stop projecting!". I learned to reel my mind back in to keep the focus where it should be: today. I only have power today, it's only now I can change anything.

MissFixit

I never knew I could walk away from a person...romantic relationship, friend or family. It never occurred to me that I could leave someone who wanted a relationship with me even if that relationship was not healthy.

Refiner

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Please try and see it for what it is: The bottle comes first. Talk about manipulation and wanting his cake and eat it too -- with telling you how much he loved you and couldn't stand the thought of losing you so he drank. And that kept his perfect world intact for ... 18 years? He got to keep you AND the bottle. And it wasn't until you put your foot down with some boundaries and he had to finally choose. And the bottle won. I'm sorry, but please see this for what it is and it's not a reflection on who you are. Stay strong.

Butterfly

Thank fully I have gotten to the stage where I no longer blame myself for his drinking or for leaving but I do struggle with all the sweet nothings he told me over the years, right up until the day he left and continued to to tell me since he left although since he left they have been mixed with I want to be on my own, I don't want to get help I don't want to be with you but the comment about he doesn't want a divorce as he cant stand the thought of being divorced from me helped me realise that there has been manipulation, he wants to go off drink and do what he wants then when he's decided he's had enough, he will get help and il still be here waiting for him!!

Don't get me wrong I've done some manipulation on my part and I'm working on that but I've never kept him dangling with comments about how he feels and wants for us then followed by the hurtful comments!

Do A even think about their words and the hurt they can cause?

Christopher1

It's hard.You don't get over loving and missing someone overnight. I would hope that things turn around and work out for you -heck , we all want that for ourselves and for everyone here,even if it's not always realistic.I feel for you.

dandylion

Butterfly.....you have asked if "As think about their words and the hurt they can cause", as well as other questions which have to do with the dynamics of how alcohoic's think.

These very questions are answered beautifully and fully in the articles by Dr. Floyd P. Garrett in the articles that I suggested that you read--in my post above.
I really do hope that y ou will take the opportunity to read them and get the answers to these questions.

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, you know the answer yourself, but it's an acceptance thing and that will take time. Huge congratulations about not contacting him for 2 weeks; you are really making progress.

I've long ago decided not to make an issue about Christmas Day; I told my son and DIL to plan their C any way they like (as in if they want to see her family), and I won't be offended whatever they decide. A lot of misery is caused by people investing C Day with enormous emotional significance and then getting upset by it not turning out how they wanted. Plan to have a nice meal with the kids, and they let them go while you have a sleep! One problem you won't have is being vigilant about AH's drinking.

PurpleKnight

As a person who once was addicted to alcohol, you are correct, nothing else mattered except my next drink, I was addicted and I intended to fuel that addiction!!

Nothing got in the way of my next drink, I blew off so many invitations just to sit in and drink in front of the TV, nothing was more important!!

my 2 cents!!

lillamy

This is about as concise as I've ever seen it put -- thank you, NYCDoglover!!!
I spent most of my life believing that if you can understand the motivation behind another person's behavior, you can make sense of it. I still believe that's true in most cases -- but not when it comes to addiction. My husband keeps telling me "you can't apply rational principle to an irrational process" when I try to understand why my ex does what he does.

NWGRITS

Years from now your kids won't remember what they got for Christmas or who bought what. They WILL remember the time with you and how you made them feel. Stuff is just that, stuff. Those memories with you will last forever, though.

Lovenlies

I'm sorry you are still hurting. Sending hugs your way. No one will ever truly know what an alcoholic thinks and what they truly feel, each individual is different. That is why all our experiences is the same but different. We can only answer you with what we've read and what our experiences were or what we understand it to be. The answer you seek lies in you. You can keep tring to understand what he was thinking or feeling but will never get a true answer even if you asked him (words don't match his actions, he is an alcoholic, he lies) or you can accept that that was then and this is now. You have a life to live, a chance to be happy, a chance to find who you are. A chance at loving you enough and your kids enough that you don't let anyone make you feel the horrible feelings that he made you. I understand that we all experience the loss of a dream, a life that once were, a life that was suppose to be. But we still have a chance at a dream, a new and better dream. A chance at a new and better life, a life filled with more happy memories, filled with love that's undeniable. When we love someone and someone loves us, there should not be any questions if it was true. You should know it's true because it's in their words and in their actions, just like your kids know you love them without a doubt. I think it's time for acceptance and moving on. I hope you find strength and peace in your heart.

Neagrm

Thanks for this thread, Butterfly. I needed to hear the replies you've gotten. Right now, I need to remember the literature and Al-Anon work I've done for years and years. What others have said above, "it's a cunning, baffling, powerful" disease of body, mind, and spirit, is always true. We can't figure it out. We CAN do the work we need to do for ourselves and our own healing. It takes much time and much grieving to process it all. Be patient with yourself; it's worth it to take all the time you need. Trust in the wisdom of the experienced voices here at SR. We never stop learning.

Thank you, Dandylion, for the reference to the articles. I just read the first one on Addiction, Lies, and Relationships. It was excellent and helpful to read.

Thank you, everyone, for your very helpful sharing.

dandylion

Neagram.....you are very welcome and I am glad that you read the articles.
I always recommend all of his articles because they helped me soo much.
Suddenly...so much made "sense" to me!
And...I was able to stop personalize the actions....the craziness. It took a tremendous weight off my shoulders!

dandylion

Timeiskey

My father gets frustrated with my continual contemplations about my ex A. He told me once "you can't rationalize the irrational. All it will do is push to be irrational." I think about that quite often.

Hawks

The further along the alcoholism progresses, the sicker the thinking and accompanying actions get.

It can turn what was once a normal loving heart into a heart of stone.

On both sides.

Sorry to hear this is happening for you, it's a tough thing to go through.