sorcharuane

I'm beginning to wonder- am I a masochist? After two months of hell with my bf not only unable to stop drinking at all, falling and hurting himself several times and being suicidal as well he got a week sober where we got on well and I really hoped this time he had scared himself enough to get help to stay stopped. He went to one meeting but as soon as he started getting physically stronger it was back to the meetings are depressing, I can do it myself. He started drinking again, telling me he knew he had overdone it that time, was going to keep a handle on it this time etc.

I know enough about the disease to believe that is not possible for him and I said I can't go through it again. That was a week ago and he was contacting me for the first few days asking me not to give up on him, telling me he loves me etc. I kept saying no and I haven't heard from him last few days and it's hard. I don't even know why I miss him. I go to al-anon, have counselling and have been sober and in recovery myself for the last 14 years. I don't know what else I can do. I want to stay away this time because I have no faith things will change and this is not the sort of relationship I want long term. It's already been a year and though I've left several times I've kept going back.

It helps a lot reading other people's posts on here. Any advice would be welcome. How to get through the first while without the alcoholic and their dramas and chaos? Did anyone else find it similar to a withdrawal process complete with cravings and emptiness? If so, how did others cope with that? Thanks everyone.

lillamy

My situation was different -- when I left, I left, and I was done. But I think I went through the process of detaching myself from the relationship before I left. For me, it wasn't so much that I didn't think I could handle life without him -- it was more that I felt responsible for him (because I was so much more together and I didn't think he could manage without me).

I know in earlier breakups when I've felt weak and vulnerable to being pulled back in, I forced myself to focus on what I wanted out of life, and look realistically at how the guy I had just broken up with fit into that. I dated a guy who was totally happy with status quo in everything -- working the same job he always had, going out with the guys he'd been friends with since grade school, to the same bar, on the same day... while I wanted to see the world and have adventures. It didn't fit. I also dated a guy whose depression (which he wouldn't treat) meant my life consisted of listening to him talk about how horrid everything was, which just made me depressed. That wasn't what I wanted my life to be either.

I know after I left AXH, I didn't know what I wanted out of life. My life for 20 years had been catering to his needs and limiting the impact of his alcoholism and mental illness on the children. I wasn't even on the priority list. My counselor told me to make a list of what I wanted out of life and I couldn't. So she told me, "then make a list of what you don't want -- and maybe that will lead you to what you do want."

I don't know if that would help -- if you could see all the negative things he contributed to your life, and how ill-fit they are to what you want from life?

Kboys

"How to get through the first while without the alcoholic and their dramas and chaos? Did anyone else find it similar to a withdrawal process complete with cravings and emptiness? If so, how did others cope with that? Thanks everyone. "

I can relate to that feeling, when my AH was gone, and for the last three weeks since he has been home and not drinking. The peace and calm and "normal" feels nice, but I was so used to the "excited misery" of the ups and downs, that I do feel a bit like something is missing now.

I guess the best thing to do is to focus on yourself and getting back to the things that you used to like to do for yourself that brought you enjoyment before all of his drama and chaos. This forum has helped me a lot too, so keep posting here... and I went to my first Al Anon last night, and plan to go back.

Stay strong. It will get better

sorcharuane

Thanks Lillamy. Yes part of what kept me going back was concern about him, him telling me he needed help and couldn't do it without me and just seeing the state he was in and feeling I couldn't leave him like that. And hoping he was hitting bottom and would want sobriety and maybe then we would have a chance of a healthy relationship. If I'm honest it was nice to feel wanted and needed too. I had been single and through a major loss before he came along. I got into it for all the wrong reasons.

Also I am at a point in my life where I don't know what I want. I have spent 25 years raising children, mostly alone, only one left at home now and I can see the day coming soon when she will be leaving too. I have work I enjoy, lots of hobbies but still for the last couple of years as the boys were leaving I have felt at a bit of a loss. As in where do I go from here- oh, why not fall in love with an alcoholic? That'll keep ya busy! Joking aside, I do care about him, miss him, my world just sems a bit grey without him. And I know how sick this sounds, even though I don't want the relationship as it is, with him drinking, I don't like it either when he's not trying to get me back, am afraid of him meeting someone else etc. I know that's not fair to either of us. I will try what you suggested, thank you.

sorcharuane

Thanks Kboys. yes excited misery! I have lots of hobbies and interests and I kept them up to an extent over the last year though nothing really captivated my interest as much as him and the relationship did, but I have to say there were lots of times I had to stay away for a while for some peace and quiet and get back into my own things because it was all consuming and very wearing being around him. I know the times he was sober he was very on edge and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He never made any serious attempt at getting help though. I hope things work out for you and that you both adapt to sobriety. Al anon is great!

Kboys

"I don't like it either when he's not trying to get me back, am afraid of him meeting someone else etc. I know that's not fair to either of us."
I totally get this too. When my AH was gone last time, and other times in the past when I have left for a few days at a time to get away from his craziness, it was heart breaking hard to be away, wondering what he was doing, if he hadn't called me (Why hasn't he called me? Who is he with? Doesn't he miss me and the kids? Isn't he lost without us?). But then, as soon as he would call me, apologize, quack quack quack, then I would feel better, like I got my "fix". And like I was the one with the upper hand again.
So this time since he's come home he has not gone back to the drinking yet, and I guess part of me feels a void from not only the ups and downs that come along with the drinking but also that "high" feeling that I would get from him calling to tell me he loves me and misses me, after the heart breaking times of separation.

I don't know... does that make sense? UGH

lillamy

Then get yourself a LOT of new colors to paint it with!!!

If you've raised kids for 25 years we're probably pretty close in age. I can tell you that I was close to 50 when I got married for the second time (to a wonderful man). Just because you don't go back to this man doesn't mean you have to be alone forever!