meggem

So she said something that resonanted with me.

I was rambling on about this that and the other but I think I kept coming back to -why am i such a wreck? I wanted to leave. He makes me sick. I dealt with 'this' a few years ago. I remember grieving for the person that no longer was -I remember coming to terms with it. I remember crying and sobbing, missing the person that was no longer.

Why am I feeling this stuff again?

I also remember setting boundaries and detaching. I remember "getting a life" of my own. I remember getting out of isolation and just really leaving him behind.

It was all I could do. still being in the situation.

She said it is very difficult to grieve or work through your process when you are still in it. How could you?

She said it sounds like I did what I could do by what I mentioned above, but she said I couldn't possibly grieve fully while I was still there.

You guys might be waiting for the part that's amazing but that's it.

Because I left. Because the thought of kissing him or doing anything else was gross, and because of all of the crying and sobbing I did in the first several years, I really thought I would be having a small party.

But I do feel things. For the first time and again. I feel betrayed. I feel like all of the times- instances- days that I supported him, covered for him, helped him, forgave him, stayed with him. And he thought I was the blessed mother. As soon as I left him, I became the biggest POS that walked. There is no more cycle - now it's just consistent.

That hurts. I can reason my way through it but I'm still just a person and it hurts. Alot.

I someones wonder if I have been trying so hard to be the hero that I did forget to feel.

hopeful4

((meggem))

SparkleKitty

Big Hugs, Meggem, for all this really Big Stuff. You're doing great.

lillamy

I can relate to this. I had 20 years of marriage where I more and more stuffed my feelings away, and then when I did leave, the kids' feelings were so big and all over the place that I kept my own locked up -- until I didn't anymore and they just sort of flooded out...

One thing I try to remind myself of (not always successfully) is that feelings aren't dangerous. They can be uncomfortable and painful and annoying and you just want them to go away... but they can't hurt you. Not really.

My husband keeps reminding me that my Big Emotions (and all the tears) are signs of health and healing. I know he's right, but it still doesn't make it comfortable.

Butterfly

What she said is so true how can you grieve when your still in the middle of it, it is only now that you are out the other side that you can start the grieving process.

Your doing fab keep going 1 minute at a time if needs be.

Tight hugs meggem