Dealing w/ Sadness & Worry

Old 10-22-2014, 08:18 AM
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Its_me_jen
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Dealing w/ Sadness & Worry

I've been telling myself for years I really need to work on this stuff with my mom. I always get so damn emotional when stuff with family members (specifically parents) comes up in an AA meeting. Emotional, like often times crying and can't turn it off. I hate crying. I'm not the only one, right?

So, even though this isn't something that eats my lunch on a daily basis it's obviously still got a hold on me. My mom has been sober for 10+ years. I can never remember how long because it feels so fresh. Her health isn't great and it's in large part due to the damage she did to herself drinking. I worry about her.

The worry usually ends up turning into feeling sorry for myself or being just plain sad. I'm not angry. Not really. I understand it's a disease. I understand my mother (and father for that matter) did the best they could with what they had.

I'm sad that I didn't have my mother for so many years while she was drinking and now that she's sober ..... she's not the same. Sure, I was resentful when she got sober when I was in my 20s and she suddenly tried to start parenting me. No biggie...... but now, she's not even capable of attempting to parent or just .... as a mom, give me advice on things. Her memory is horrible and she seems confused often.

I remember when she was drinking I often thought "I just want my mom". Well, now she's sober and it's not her. She'll never be the same and it's not fair. It's like I'm grieving her loss or I'm trying to ...... yet, she's not actually gone.

I guess I don't know how to deal with feeling this. I'm fearful and sad.



SO --- I went to and ACOA meeting last night. I've been before and to plenty of Alanon meetings but never really jumped into it. I think I'm scared to commit.

As a side note:
I'm a double winner. It's nearly impossible for me not to think about my AA program and recovery in some fashion while thinking about this stuff and listening at and Alanon or ACOA meeting. It's so intertwined.

While I understand it, I think I may be sort of annoyed that at some (most) Alanon or ACOA meetings I can't or shouldn't mention that I'm also an alcoholic. I'll have to just get over that or just find meetings where that is more acceptable I suppose.

Just a vent post I guess. Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-22-2014, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by PaperDolls View Post
I think I may be sort of annoyed that at some (most) Alanon or ACOA meetings I can't or shouldn't mention that I'm also an alcoholic.
Is this sentiment expressed or implied? If expressed, that is a real shame. Everyone's there for the same purpose, it seems counter-productive to shut down part of someone's experience.

With the exception of being a double-winner, I could have written your post. My mother has been sober for ages, but I still don't have a mom. I was in therapy for a long time to work through what I was denied growing up. It still comes up in various ways, but in general, I have been a lot more peaceful and content since I let go of her altogether. Not an easy decision (nor a popular one), but I just couldn't invest anymore of my life in the hope that she would change.

I hope you feel free to vent here as often as you like, I love your posts and all you offer the site!
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Old 10-22-2014, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Is this sentiment expressed or implied?
It's a mixed bag. Sometimes it is expressed. At the meeting last night it was during the opening reading. I've been to other Alanon meetings where it's welcomed and even encouraged.

I only listened last night, as I should have, but so many of my thoughts made me think of my own AA recovery.

I found myself thinking ... if I were to share on this it would not be genuine for me to leave part of it out to make others feel comfortable. It is what it is.


The emotional part --- thinking about my mom ---- that's the big thing. I didn't make it through my post without shedding some tears. I sort of wonder if I need to look at therapy (which I've done plenty of) instead of Alanon. I don't know.


P.S. Thank you SparkleKitty.
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Old 10-22-2014, 09:06 AM
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Paper Dolls--sorry for what you're dealing with; its hard....hang in there!
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Old 10-22-2014, 09:13 AM
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Therapy was a godsend for me. I like to talk things out in a dialogue, it helps me make connections. It's not a speedy process by any stretch but I'm guessing you've got the endurance to see it through.
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Old 10-22-2014, 09:26 AM
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I haven't done meetings so I had no idea the double-winner designation was an issue. I'm sorry you are feeling judged that way, I hope you find a more open-minded group to identify with.

One thing that sticks out to me in your post is this:

.........I'm not angry. Not really........... guess I don't know how to deal with feeling this. I'm fearful and sad.
I wasn't angry at my AF for a long, long time. I understood. I accepted. & then I was happy that he got sober & forgot about a lot of the crap I grew up dealing with, because things were better now. He died suddenly a few years later & after that I just sort of forgot about being angry - I mean, it just doesn't feel right to be angry at a dead guy, you know? Especially since he had been sober & had been really focused on correcting all his wrongs for a few yrs before his death.

I took the long, winding path back to my anger but when I embraced it, I was finally able to release a lot of buried emotions. Anger isn't always bad when it's justified & when it doesn't get mixed up with revenge/retribution. My RAF had passed away & was gone many years before I uncorked my anger. When I finally let myself feel it I raged out loud by myself, I wrote letters that I burned; I expressed every bit of my frustrations as loudly as I could & then I felt better because I had every right to be angry over the sacrifices we made individually & as a family in order to feed his addictions for all those years. My anger was about standing up FOR me, not railing AGAINST him.
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Old 10-22-2014, 09:34 AM
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Hi

I understand well the anxiety about parents. Ugh. How do you come to acceptance without any expectation? How do you stop being angry about the lack of a mom? Don't know, I feel much the same but with a mom who is mentally ill (although I guess it is kind of the same). The only thing that seems to work for me is to have no or very little contact. Any type of normal relationship with her ends up with me being hurt.

About you being a double winner. I think that is more about the type of group you are going to. I don't mind double winners at all, because they have more insight than us non-As have. Especially early on, we have so many questions....it's like meeting an alien and asking them about how they live and think.

However, I do have a problem with an A or a double winner being defensive in a codie group or trying to make codie's come to minimize or rationalize A stuff. That ticks me off, simply because it is not the place to do that. I would never go to an AA meeting and codie out on people there trying to make them understand codieness and defend codie stuff. Not the place.
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Old 10-22-2014, 09:56 AM
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I am a double winner as well. I am a recovering alcoholic, my dads an active alcoholic and my mom has strong NPD symptoms. I recently went no contact with my mom. I couldnt cope with the rage I felt whenever I had to speak to her. I dont have any advice just know you arent alone. I also post in the Adult Children's forum here.
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Old 10-22-2014, 10:07 AM
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Therapy was a godsend for me too. The inner child/re-parenting therapy felt stupid at first, but it worked for me to help me move past a good bulk of my issues separating my feelings from my parents' choices.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Therapy was a godsend for me too. The inner child/re-parenting therapy felt stupid at first, but it worked for me to help me move past a good bulk of my issues separating my feelings from my parents' choices.
What is reparenting therapy?
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:22 PM
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A few of you have mentioned going no contact. I want to say that my mother and I have a good relationship. I see this as an issue with ME not wanting to feel these feelings. I don't feel then each time we talk. I feel them when a similar topic is brought up in a meeting. I don't need to go no contact in an attempt to not feel these feelings. It wouldn't work anyway.


Ironically, the topic at my noon AA meeting was brought up by a woman dealing with her aging father who is not in good health due to dementia. Seriously. I ended up in tears of course .....

That's the thing. When I start feeling that way. When my body (or mind?) wants me to cry I just want it to stop. I want to run away and hide. I absolutely do not want to cry and if I absolutely have to I DO NOT want it to be in front of people. After the meeting a woman handed me some tissues and wanted to comfort me. I wouldn't look at her. I didn't want to talk about it. There's nothing to say really. Just tears.


I know have lots to be grateful for. I want to just focus on that and not feel sad. Not. Feel.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:28 PM
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What do you think will happen if you cry in front of people or feel sad?
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:29 PM
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I have no idea. I just don't want to do it.
I don't want the attention maybe.
I really have no idea.
It's weird.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:36 PM
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PaperDolls, I am not sure what your faith walk is, but Celebrate Recovery has meetings that you are free to discuss anything and everything about your recovery. You don't have to just pick one category I guess is what I am saying. You may want to try it out!

I hate crying, especially in front of anyone. I get it.

Tight HugsXXX
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by PaperDolls View Post
I have no idea. I just don't want to do it.
I don't want the attention maybe.
I really have no idea.
It's weird.
Not weird at all. Crying in front of others makes me feel intensely vulnerable and small.

But if I am with other people and feel that need to cry I do it anyway because otherwise I am stuffing something (even if I don't know what it is). As scary as it is...better out than in.

And it does 'get out'. The more I let myself feel whatever I am feeling when I'm feeling it, the less intense and scary it all becomes. The more I try to change or hold on to what I'm feeling, the more it wants to come out inappropriately.

One of my acting teachers said "emotions are like sweat." They happen because you're working through something, and you can't control them. Only what you do about them.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:54 PM
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What is reparenting therapy?
It's a type of meditation and visualization, where you "reparent" a small version of yourself with the tenderness and affection that your parents didn't give you. I started it right after I had DD3 and it was a very powerful experience. Over time, the Little Florence even started to grow up. When I stopped counseling, my visualization of myself was like a young teenager, having started a baby.

I don't know if I can give it justice. I've written about the "ugly baby" meditations my counselor made me do here a couple of times and how much I resented her for making me do it. But it worked! You might be able to search the site for it.
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Old 10-22-2014, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by PaperDolls View Post
I have no idea. I just don't want to do it.
I don't want the attention maybe.
I really have no idea.
It's weird.
I don't like crying in front of others, so I get that. It feels too vulnerable.

What would happen if you just felt the sadness and sat there for a while?
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Old 10-22-2014, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
It's a type of meditation and visualization, where you "reparent" a small version of yourself with the tenderness and affection that your parents didn't give you. I started it right after I had DD3 and it was a very powerful experience. Over time, the Little Florence even started to grow up. When I stopped counseling, my visualization of myself was like a young teenager, having started a baby.

I don't know if I can give it justice. I've written about the "ugly baby" meditations my counselor made me do here a couple of times and how much I resented her for making me do it. But it worked! You might be able to search the site for it.
I remember the ugly baby thread. I forgot what it was about.
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Old 10-22-2014, 02:17 PM
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I think it's less about crying in front of people and more about crying or feeling the sadness at all.

I think it's obvious I need more therapy. LOL!
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Old 10-22-2014, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by PaperDolls View Post
I think it's less about crying in front of people and more about crying or feeling the sadness at all.

I think it's obvious I need more therapy. LOL!
Therapy helped me so much. I cannot underscore that enough.

For what it is worth, I had to feel the sadness for several years to get through it.
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