jarp

AH has been doing really well in rehab. Really well. Confirmed by rehab staff and his psych's. I can see it.

All those intermittent chicken pellets that the A gives you to keep you hanging in there? Well the last 4 weeks has been a veritable feast! He seemed to sustain those glimmers and I've rarely seen the dark side (he'd not just an A but also has borderline - so I've been trying to be very wary...as I really DO know that taking away the alcohol and being in recovery isnt going to fix it all).

Yesterday he had his first (believe it or not) craving for alcohol...and its really, really scared him. He said it lasted for a minute, and he cant identify the trigger. But he admitted that had he been on 'the outside' that he would have had a drink. A lapse he thinks, as opposed to a relapse. I doubt it. I dont think with him there is such a thing as lapse.

And now he's out of his mind with anxiety and worry, didnt sleep, is having racing thoughts....I can see him disintegrating before my eyes.

And I am feeling sick and scared. I wish I hadnt let hope into my heart. But most of all I am CURSING this disease...because our son has so enjoyed having 'Daddy back' over the last few weeks (he has an hours leave everyday and rehab is on the corner of our street). And now he's going to be heartbroken AGAIN. I'll survive - I will be sad for sure....but our son....I want to yell and scream. Not even at AH - but at this diease - and at AH for 'letting' it get this far.

How is AH possibly going to maintain sobriety if he thinks he cant even withstand a MINUTE of craving? With no identfiable trigger? When happens when there are ACTUAL triggers (of which he admits he has hundreds of)?

I appreciate him being honest - but there goes any sort of hope. This isnt going to work. I know thats why he's gone downhill....he's had the same realisation - so what's left for him?

He's got 10 days left of rehab - was doing so well - has a solid discharge plan. But he thinks he's going to last 5 minutes on the outside. He really WANTS to last...but thiks he can't. Alcoholism combined with the very, very poor impulse control of BPD - he's probably right.

Oh F***.

suki44883

During rehab, they are taught coping mechanisms to use when cravings hit, and they WILL hit. They will also go away fairly quickly if he uses the skills he is being taught. If he thinks he can't make it on the outside, he probably won't. He has to do a LOT of self-talk, find face-to-face support through therapy or meetings, be ready to do whatever he has to do in order not to drink.

It isn't easy. In fact, at first, it's damned hard, but he must have a plan and he must abide by that plan. The longer he goes, the easier it will get. At this point, it's all psychological. There is no alcohol in his system, so the physical addiction is passed. He can do this, but he has to be committed to not drinking no matter what.

Now, that's him. What about you? Are you attending al-anon meetings? Are you learning coping skills for when you are triggered? You will be triggered. You can do this, too, but you have to be as committed to your and your son's well-being as he is to his sobriety.

SeriousKarma

Oh Jarp. I'm sorry. I guess this is the roller coaster ride of addiction/ mental health issues, right?

Even though I'm "out" I don't ever think I'll truly be "out". I still look for signs in my STBXAH. I want him to do well. Most of all I don't want myself and my daughter to be blindsided again. To that point:

My daughter has been doing remarkably well. She works her program just like I work mine, and over the years has come to understand what she can and can't expect from her dad. She now doesn't expect him to be perfect. She doesn't even expect him to be average. She has learned to (in her words) "not have any expectations". In doing that she is able to enjoy a new kind of relationship with him. I think she understands that he loves her to the best of his ability. She still gets p*ssed at him sometimes, but she's a different person than she was two years ago when she couldn't even be in the same room as him. Now she processes it and moves on. But, like I said, she works a program just like you and I, and she will need to for the rest of her life if she wants to stay on top of the messy hand life dealt her. That's not a bad thing. It just is what it is. As a matter of fact she just spend a weekend having a great time with a bunch of other Alateens.

I share this only because I know how hard it is watching our kids suffer, and I remember a time when I thought the burden of her pain was going to be more then I could bare. But, with help she got through the worst of it, and now has tools to help herself as she moves through her life. Not a bad deal.

((((((( Hugs ))))))) to you, Jarp, and my prayers for your family.

amy55

I'm so sorry jarp. I think today may have answered some of your questions. The trigger, I don't know what it is. It could be that he knows he lacks "coping skills". With BPD, it's kind of you want this or that, and you want it now. Do you think perhaps alcoholism is but a symptom of a bigger problem which is BPD. Even doing DBT religiously and I think you said ACT (never heard of that), they told you that would be at least 2 years. BPD is all about denial, half truths, or changing the whole thing around. If self-medicating was the way he was dealing with it, and he doesn't have enough therapy to deal with the BPD in other ways, to me it seems like he will revert back to what he knows.

I don't want to stomp on the hope you have, because I had it also.

I really do feel for you and the decision that you need to make shortly.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

jarp

Thanks everyone, again and as usual.

I'm doing all the group and therapy stuff. It doesn't guard against some emotions though!

Yes I think the BPD is as big as the alcoholism...if not bigger...I don't know. I just so down...it was so nice to see some of the man I love still in there. But I feel he was inky back for a short time.

He said tonight he has real fears that he can't do this. Which tells me a lot. He's really wavering. Starting to express some ambivalence...which he hasn't done over the last four weeks...at all...he's been so motivated and determined. Day by day he says...but I know he can't see how he's going to even get over the first hurdle. Which means he won't. Has started talking about the high percentage of a relapse...like its inevitable. Which from what I read it almost always is when alcoholism is combined with BPD.

I'm so sad....I want to hide on a island with the kids for the rest of my life.

redatlanta

Jarp I am so sad for your continued roller coaster ride.

Honestly I am not sure you would find many A's who didn't have a craving in the beginning stages of recovery, I doubt he is the first person who feared once out of rehab that they might relapse. The "high" of being sober for a little while sub cedes and then the real work begins. I think my response would have been pretty strong - "you can and will do this if you want a chance to keep your family intact". No hand holding, "If you relapse I will file for divorce your choice". Your boundaries. RAH has got to learn to deal with this he sounds a bit immature in his thought processing that "holy miracle!!! I went to rehab and never craved alcohol again"!

All addictions are a b*tch to get rid of. I have heard former smokers say 20 years later that still crave a cig every once in while. Its just part of it. The key is dedication to sobriety, dedication to recovery, and knowing that cravings go away. In place of boozing he will have to find a new "hobby" to occupy his time.

There are Borderlines on this board that have maintained significant recovery.

Sicne I live with someone with BiPolar I can tell you that my RAH will try and blame whatever he can on it and it doesn't fly in this household. Upset? Bipolar. Being an ass*ole? Bi polar. Didn't get something done? BiPolar. BULL. What I hear in your RAH is a pre-warning that IF he relapses he already has an excuse for it. Just don't accept it because its a crock. Lay down your boundaries with him and stick to them that is the best thing you can do for you both. And if he calls you again or during a visit states he is having a craving I would say "lets get off the phone this minute and you go tell someone that can help you with that because I cannot". He can get over that hurdle - don't get reeled into what he is trying to suck you into here - justification and compassion that because of his terminally unique situation of BPD and cravings that he will fail.

FeelingGreat

We alcoholics all have strong cravings when we give up alcohol; in fact it's one of the defining characteristics of the disease, so I'm surprised it's shaken him so badly and disappointed he said he would have acted on it. I hope his therapy covers cravings. There's also medication for it (Campral) so all is not lost.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you and your DS. It must be very common for F&F to go through this stress while their A is in rehab.

hopeful4

Jarp, if he says he is only going to last five mins on the outside, believe him. He is already setting it up in his mind.

I am so truly truly sorry.

F50Lurker

Oh Jarp. I have read all of your threads. I am so sorry for you and all I can say is it is way, way beyond time that you cut this guy loose 100% once and for all. Just my opinion but man....how much can one person take? Warm wishes.

Hammer

Sure. On a good note, he could "mirror" a successful outcome. Or a bad one. Do you understand the mirroring aspect?

Of course not. Not being able to (on our own) is the basis of the Steps.

If anyone could, they would not need the Steps Programs.

How is YOUR Program doing? Heading into the Steps, Sponsor, all that?

chicory

Jarp- I am sorry for this painful time in your life.

I wanted to say though, that there are many here, in SR , who are bpd, and recovering alcoholics. I am sure it must be very hard, but it is possible. He has to want it, and continue getting help for his bpd. bpd is a lifelong disorder. but it can be treated, and he has to want to take good care of his self.

hugs.

meggem

I heard or read somewhere that the person who is ready to leave rehab and is confident are the ones who are more susceptible to relapse and the ones who are scared to leave and feel shakey do better, I think it's said the scared ones have a very healthy respect for the disease.