Kboys

AH hasn’t had anything to drink since October 2nd. And he’s still at home with me and the kids… As I wrote last time, I know it was the wrong decision for me to let him come home, and I have regret over it, but I’m trying to use this time to work on myself and get stronger until the day he does drink again, so that I can make him leave again and stick to it this time. I started reading Codependent No More, and hopefully going to my first Al-Anon Thursday night.

Part of me really misses the optimism I had in AH’s early drinking days, when I still believed that his periods of sobriety and his promises meant that he could and would stop drinking “this time” and that we still would have a future together, we’d be a happy normal couple raising our two boys together, and all that drinking and chaos would be a distant memory... We would be so proud that we made it through all of it together…. I believed we loved each other enough to get through it.

But now there is no part of me that still believes he will stay sober this time, or that we will have a happy normal future together. Now I just feel mad all the time, at myself and at him. I am short with him and unreasonable and immature at times when he has done nothing or very little to provoke it. I feel awful intense anger toward him sometimes when we lay in bed. I look at him sleeping and I imagine myself crawling on top of him and hitting him over and over while I scream “I hate you!” I’m pretty sure I won’t actually ever do that, but I hate that it even enters my mind. Despite his efforts to be a good helpful sober husband in the last few weeks, which I honestly do appreciate, my anger seems to be getting more intense with each day he is at the house.

maia1234

Kboys, I am so sorry. You have waited so long for him to get sober, and now that he is you are not happy with that either. Its horrible, isnt it. Its like maybe the whole issue is you and not him. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

I am sure that I would feel the same way, always waiting for something to happen and cant enjoy anything. All I can suggest is stop thinking about tonight, or tomorrow. Try and enjoy now, this minute. He is sober (as far as you know) and give him the benefit of the doubt. i know he has hurt you more then anyone would understand. But if he starts drinking again your going to feel you provoked it because you were a bxtch.

Try and smile, and appreciate the little things. Enjoy that you boys are finally seeing a sober Daddy. Take blessings in that, thats all you can do.

Good luck

lillamy

So why do you feel you need to wait until he drinks again to leave? You aren't happy. You're angry all the time. You don't believe you have a future together. You could choose to see that as reason enough...

I'm not criticizing you -- I'm just saying. You don't need anyone else's approval to leave.

suki44883

Sadly, sometimes it's just too late when they sober up. Too much water under the bridge. Too many hurts and too many years of living a nightmare. I'm sorry, Kboys. (((HUGS)))

Kboys

Thanks maia Yes, that is good advice, trying to just enjoy the moment, and I have been able to at times, but then something will trigger me and I'll let that thought bring me into a pissy mood. But I'm trying... I know it doesn't help anything
We have had some nice times with the boys and with each other the last few weeks, so I am thankful for that.

Kboys

Thank you,
I don't know... but I tell myself that too. I think maybe I don't believe I'm strong enough yet to not let him come home again next time

hopeful4

Been there! I so understand. For myself, even after he came home and was clean (he did not drink for over a year), I was still so pi$$ed off. It was changing me as a person and turning me into this angry, raging, mess. I don't want to be that person. When I made him leave, it was instant relief.

Only you can decide what you want to do, but don't make the mistake of feeling like he has to be drinking and you have to be reacting to his drinking to give you permission to be mad. You have been hurt, you have valid and real feelings about this.

Tight Hugs. XXX

POAndrea

YES!!!! I tell others I left my RAH not just because of the person the drinking made him, but also because of the person I became in response. It didn't really matter whether he could go back to being his old self again so long as I was unable to as well. And I couldn't (wouldn't?) do that while still in the marriage.

meggem

I can relate to much of your post and especially this part:

"Part of me really misses the optimism I had in AH’s early drinking days, when I still believed that his periods of sobriety and his promises meant that he could and would stop drinking “this time” and that we still would have a future together, we’d be a happy normal couple raising our two boys together, and all that drinking and chaos would be a distant memory... We would be so proud that we made it through all of it together…. I believed we loved each other enough to get through it."

That ship sailed a good two years too late for me. But a part of me felt robbed of those feelings of working it out and what you described. It just went from fine to disaster and just stayed that way in varying degrees.

I can also relate to your homicidal feelings. A year ago this month mine went to rehab and I lived in constant hate when he got home whether he did anything or not.

If I had any respect for him, I would say it wasn't really fair to him either, but I don't so I can't say that.

I left in Julyl and I am feeling alot of things but I don't really have that kind of anger that you do living under the same roof as him. I know the feeling you are talking about.

If you want to try, maybe you should get into counseling - or couples counseling.

good luck..

lillamy

I've been there. (((hugs))) I hope I didn't come across as telling you to pack up and leave now -- I know what it's like to feel like you can't. Not yet. What can you do to build your strength?

Kboys

Thank you lillamy I'm planning to go to my first Al-Anon tomorrow. I live in a small community and there is only one offered per week. I've wanted to go for a long time, but have had no one to leave my 1 and 2 year old boys with at 5:30, and could not leave them alone with AH when he was drinking. So since he is sober, at least for now, I've told him that is what I plan to do after work tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to it.
I rarely ever see friends anymore, go to the gym, or have my hair done, like I used to, but I know those are things that would help me to feel like myself again.... with working full time, and taking care of the babies, even now that AH is not drinking, finding time to do anything like that is difficult.
But I try to make the most of the quiet moments I have at work for this forum, and for just being with my thoughts...
Thanks for asking

TerpGal

I am right there with ya with the intense rage. RAH has 60 days and is working a program, and has def made some positive changes but I too wonder if too little, too late. The rage I feel towards him at times is overwhelming. I want to punch him in the face. As an Al Anon friend recently told me, "you're thawing out."

When he was active, I was just trying to survive. I felt like one of the characters in The Walking Dead........just having to keep moving and waiting and or/fighting through the next zombie attack. Feelings about the situation had no place in my survival. Now that he is sober and I am allowing myself to finally feel those feelings that were dismissed, minimized, or stowed away, they are all boiling over with this intense rage.

And I wonder if I will be able to process through all this when I still have to look at him every day.

guava

Oh I can totally relate... I was feeling so angry and bitchy all the time, it was actually a relief when AH crossed my boundary and I could ask him to leave for good. I understand the waiting game and I feel for you. Glad you are getting to Alanon - hope you find a meeting that is a good fit!

Kboys

"Now that he is sober and I am allowing myself to finally feel those feelings that were dismissed, minimized, or stowed away, they are all boiling over with this intense rage."
Yes, "thawing out", I like that. When he was drinking I was just doing whatever I could do to keep him from going into rage mode, although I know now that it really didn't matter what I did or didn't do or said or didn't say.... But the thought of actually expressing MY emotions and telling him what I really thought during those times? Heck no, I learned pretty quickly that is a guarantee to send him into a rage.
So now, in a way, it's nice to be able to feel safe enough to express it, I guess, but it's also really hard to feel it all, and not really know what to do with it...

Kboys

"it was actually a relief when AH crossed my boundary and I could ask him to leave for good."
I can see that. There is part of me that is still petrified of the day I come home to find him drunk again, but another part that is looking forward to it so I can ask him to move out again and get on with my life. I know I don't HAVE to wait for that to happen in order to ask him to leave, but right now I still feel like I do.