TerpGal

Right now I am really wishing I would have followed my father's long, long nagging demands that I become a nun. Right now that idea seems positively blissful to me. But instead I married RAH and essentially the last 8 years have been an agonising hell. Yes, he is sober, but frankly I could give a damn less.

I can't even stand to look at him anymore, especially now dealing with all this legal stuff. Because of the boatloads of money his addiction has cost, we have to file chapter 7. And looking at the paperwork makes me want to puke. Just one more reminder. And I was further triggered by his mother being at church on Sunday. Dammit that is about the only safe place I have left. She rarely attends but good lord just SEEING her. I wish she never found out about our church and started following us there........like she does EVERYWHERE.

She blamed me for RAHs drinking because I didn't keep the house clean enough. And she tirades me with this on the way home from dropping him off at rehab in August. RAH told me today that he confronted her on this and she STILL blames me for it. WTFever. I have blocked her phone and FB because she FB stalks me. So I'm not going to have a relationship with her.

I can't have a relationship with my parents either because my father is an active abusive A and my mother is his puppet. It just sucks. I feel very alone.

torquemax777

Your last line about being alone and not even being able to turn to your parents struck a chord with me. I'm sorry and hope things get better :-/

ResignedToWait

Has AH been staying sober since returning from rehab? Have you noticed any changes in his behavior/attitude?

happybeingme

Terp, It sounds like you are quite surrounded by dysfunction. I am really sorry about that. Do you have anything that is just for you? I hope so.

lillamy

I guess that's easier than to admit that her precious baby is an adult who makes his own choices and decisions.

You're not his babysitter. You're not his mom. He's an adult. I'm childish enough that I would probably like to tell her that he can move in with her any day, and then she can make sure the house is clean enough that he doesn't have to drink. *shaking my head*

FeelingGreat

Terp, she sounds like the MIL from hell. You've done the right thing blocking her. How dare she lecture you about how you caused his drinking. If you were going to buy into it, you'd have to ask her what she did wrong raising him.

Sorry to hear about the financial troubles. I know I'd be very resentful as financial security is important to me, and having someone else ruin it would be horrible. Do you have a good plan for looking after your own finances once you're through this?

dandylion

TerpGal.....one of the true facts of life is that if there are people who are toxic to you---you have to remove yourself from these people. No matter how painful or inconvenient or difficult that might be to do....
You can't get better if you are still emersed in the toxins.

This is where alanon is an enormous help for you. Your cannot try to draw your self-esteem from your connection to them....

This might be a tough pill to swallow, I know.....but this is how life works.

I say to you....Detach...Detach...Detach... (I see that you are trying--and that is GOOD).
Keep working at it. Don't even allow them to rent space in your head....

dandylion

littlesister1

I'm so sorry Terp...

Maybe get thee to a punnery??

NYCDoglvr

I had the worst relationship of my life with a recovering alcoholic (with no program). I wouldn't go out with another one if he was channeling Bill Wilson (who was a womanizer).

Bullfrog

My ex father in law once said, "Maybe if you mopped more, it wouldn't stress him out and he wouldn't abuse drugs."

The thing is, I was so dragged into the muck and dysfunction back then, I almost believed him.

53500

Oh my! So mopping floors is the solution to drug abuse. Who knew?? Let's get this gem out to the rest of the world and let's all buy stock in mop companies!

Sorry, it's just so bizarre I couldn't resist.

Eauchiche

Dear Terp
You and I have a lot in common right now as far as our home situation goes.
I am sorry about this doubt about becoming a nun. I doubt you were called to that life, and your Dad's script playing in your head over his issue is a big fat button on you that needs to be disconnected.
I hope and pray for you for healing in your family, and healthy good relationships for you!

TerpGal

Thanks all. And yes, RAH is staying sober and working a program. I don't take any of MILs comments to heart, I am just angry about it just like I am angry at RAH......and I mean boiling over angry. And here's the thing........I can get as mad at him as I want, and he doesn't get angry back. Everything used to make hhlim angry but at least in that way, yes he has changed.

But I am still fateful at him for everything he did. There are days I wish I never met him.

dandylion

TerpGal.....I am sorry that I can't remember how long it has been that your husband has put drink aside. I will say that this forum reminds us over and over and, over, again....that a relationship has the best chance of survival when BOTH parties are working a program of their own healing--simultaneously.

In an alcoholic relationship--both are involved in the "dance" together. It is a fact that BOTH parties are damaged in the process. Always. Both, therefore, require care and healing as individuals so that they are capable of rebuilding a damaged relationship.
This does take some time, committment and patience (on both parts).
I seems to be a truism that early recovery is a rocky and fragile and vulnerable time for all concerned.
It does require both parties who have the common goal and sharing the responibility of healing the relationship.

I hope these thoughts are of some help for you...

dandylion