FeliciaM

I confess, that I called Jay on my way to my meeting. Its the second call today. The first was under 1 minute, we spoke and ended cordually. I did tell him I am attending Al-anon.

I felt compelled to know the reason for the breakup two weeks ago. He assumes the situation and my feelings and is always wrong.

He said this morning , we are no longer dating and that he is an Alcoholic. I already knew that but he first said it to me 14 days ago and again this AM.

I left a message that I deserve after 8 months to know what I did wrong. He retuned my back twice. I missed call due to Al-anon meeting.

I will not call him again, I am dealing with my own pain.

redatlanta

1) You did nothing wrong this is not about you. Its about his relationship with alcohol which is the only one he wants.

2) He has told you why the relationship ended already. He is an alcoholic, he chooses to drink over you. He is in late stage alcoholism. Sadly he has nothing to offer you, but thankfully was willing to tell you.

3) It is impossible to have a relationship with an alcoholic at this stage beyond being an ambulance or nurse. I am guessing the reason he ended it is because you are standing between him and his best friend. You have disposed of his alcohol before. You are trying to help someone who CLEARLY does not want help. Believe him, he does not want to stop drinking even though he has been told he will die if he does not quit.

FeliciaM its mind boggling and confusing that a person would choose alcohol and die than sobriety and live. This is a choice we have seen on here before. Keep up with your Al Anon meetings and post often here. We are here to help and support you (((((hugs))))).

hopeful4

The more times you continue to contact him, the more you prolong your own pain. He is an alcoholic. That is their bride, their #1, their everything. That does not mean YOU did anything wrong. It just means he is an addict that cannot or will not stop.

We try and try to find some big "REASON' when sometimes we need to just look at the hard, cold facts.

I am sorry. Keep going to the meetings and working on you. You deserve it.

atalose

What was your purpose in telling him you are attending al-anon? What outcome were you expecting?

You fell hard and fast in these short 8 months for someone who not only has told you but shown you who he is – an alcoholic who doesn’t want to change.

So in this dating phase it was discovered a future relationship is not possible with this man and YOU are having a difficult time accepting that.

You could change your hair color, lose weight, get a new job, take up a second language, do cart wheels down the street………….nothing YOU will do or say is ever going to CHANGE HIM and give YOU the kind of relationship you want and deserve. And until YOU come to ACCEPT that and keep hanging on you’ll be dragged and experience further hurt and disappointment and from this point forward you can’t blame him or his drinking because it’s NOW YOUR ISSUES that need to be addressed.

Timeiskey

Felicia,

I understand the pain and confusion that comes from such a break up. We all do. I was in your shoes three months ago and I did not take the wise advice of those here with the larger experience. And so, I continued to engage with him. It led to more heartbreak and even to me acting out in ways that I didn't think I would ever do. There is frustration in this type of ending...there is a lack of power that combined with the pain can push you to want to uncover some deeper meaning to it all... there isn't one... its the alcohol. At this point, any more contact will only show you how deep that vice can sting. You are empowered within yourself and for yourself, the rest is outside of our control. Big Hugs and well wishes! This too shall pass. Oh, I came across a great proverb from Zenn, which said "Let Go or Get Dragged"...sign, my knees are all scrapped up... stand tall my friend. It is the best way.

FeliciaM

Thanks again everybody. To be clear I know there can be no relationship with him.

I feel compelled to clear things up on my end. I need to look at him and say my peace.
When I think of him in this condition and his actions I starting to hyperventilate. I'm getting anxiety, can't sleep, concentrate, read or eat. This will not end for me, until I see him one last time.

I'm not angry, I don't want to yell. I am concerned.

My heart is broken, I just didn't see this coming. Obviously he'd rather die, which hurts more then the breakup. Four months ago there was enough trust in me that he opened up to go to therapy.

He was doing great on his medication, I was moving stuff into his house. Then he drank and it all went to he!!.

I told him I was going to Al-anon because he asked how I was doing. I'll be going to a meeting tonight on my way home from work. I felt really good after my last meeting. The stress was gone. The first two meeting I was still filled with anxiety as I walked out the door.

Thanks for your support.

lillamy

I'm glad you're finding your footing at the Al-Anon meetings. I was disappointed the first few times, too -- but after six or so meetings, I was glad I stuck it out.

MissFixit

Hi

You are ultimately going to do what you want, but I was in your shoes several years ago and telling him things from my perspective did nothing. I was suddenly dropped too. I wrote a lengthy letter. He never responded and I "said" my piece.

They are cowards. Not real complicated. Avoid reality and consequences. If he wanted to see you or confront this, he would. He chooses not to.

Take the alcohol away and you have a man who suddenly ended a relationship that the other person thought was leading to marriage (from your other post you mentioned M). People do dick moves all the time. Not everyone does them, but Jay does them, my ex did too. It is a very hard realization and super hard to accept, I understand.

For your own piece of mind, maybe write out everything and then keep writing it out until you get it all onto paper. Decide to send it to him or not after that. I sent mine and do not regret it as I was careful to not write anything I would not mind someone else reading. Everything I wrote was truthful and not over the top. If you choose this route, do not expect to hear from him. Go in knowing that this is for you, not him or to get a response.

I know you are hurting right now. What do you think will happen once to talk to him and say these things?

FeliciaM

Well I just left. We talked. He was suprised whAt I had to say. I feel better. He's set in his mind. Yes. I am in parking lot of al-anon crying. I will keep coming even thou the relationship is no more.

MissFixit

Yay for you! You said what was on your mind. Alanon is a good place to cry. Lots of empathy there.

At least you know now. It hurts, but you are sooo lucky not to spend more time with someone capable of hurting you.

Big Hugs

FeliciaM

MissFixit, I know, glad it was a short relationship.

I got there unannounced, he wasn't happy but invited me in. He went downstairs (drink) then he invited me to sit. He went on an on about things, very defensive. These are the same old misconceptions he's brought up before. Screwed up thinking. Ugggg.

All in all I got a good look at his condition and fresh dose of bullheadedness, and his blaming me for him falling short....... That is his own guilt.

Good rid-dens. We kissed (cheek) and hugged. He said it is Him, not me. Still sad, but getting better.

Eauchiche

I got kicked to the curb after 14 years. Still sorting all that out....