unease7

Can anyone relate to this:AH upsets you to the point of being in tears and then comes over to you looks down at or kneels down beside you and says I really dont understand why you get so upset........this is condecending and belittling at its best , now keep in mind if I show no emotion I would be a cold heartless bitch who must be having an affair ?!?and the reason for me crying was due to him being cold and short with me for the last 4 days I knew he was staying to himself and making his little sarcastic remarks about everything but he is so moody all the time anyway I just left him alone I just went on along did everything the same as I normaly would with kids and work and Thurs. night he starts telling me how he has been acting this way all week over something I said to him Sunday 4 days ago !!!!!! now what I said to him Sunday on the phone was about feeling tired and he made a remark about oh so no sex hu i told him I thought he was being rude and he apologized and I THOUGHT everything was fine now Im being told he has been trying to punish me all week ?!?!? who does stuff like this ?????? and Im so upset because I am being forced to realize what a evil ******* u really are and it breaks my heart to know you are capable of such meaness has anbody else experienced this?

wanttobehealthy

Yes I experienced it.

It is abuse. It is not about alcoholism. It is emotional abuse.

Google characteristics of emotional abuse.

That's what he is doing to you. Alcoholism is not an excuse for being an abuser.

I am so sorry you experience this. It is gaslighting, crazy making, abuse.

ladyscribbler

Yes. I finally had to get myself to the point where figuring out the "why" of it became less important than getting away from the behavior.
Once I did that, I was able to start figuring out why I stuck around and put up with so much abuse for so long.
Using verbal and emotional abuse as a punishment is never acceptable. When I stayed with my ex and put up with that behavior, I was basically telling him that it was OK to treat me that way, even if I complained about it. I had to make my actions match my words and not continue to accept unacceptable behavior.

maia1234

Unease, I am sorry for what you are going through. My sober Alcoholics always respond that they are A's and that's what they do. Not that it is acceptable behavior, but that is what they do and who they are.

We get to a point in our life that we can't take the abuse anymore and maybe you are coming to those terms. You need to hit some alanon meetings, and open AA meetings to educate yourself. Keep reading SR as that has a ton of information in it.

You are not dealing with anyone who is rationale so to try and comprehend what the A's do to us is ridiculous. I have been trying to treat my stbaxh for 34 years and nothing changes, but me. Work a program, educate yourself and then you will have choices that you will be strong enough to make when you are ready to make them.

Good luck and keep coming back, this forum works!!

Blossom717

my Exabf would do this crap....

I would be excited about a 5k or a festival or a holiday coming up and he would have me into tears on the way there or right before I left. Once the tears started coming he would look at me and say "I don't understand why you are crying right now" with a weird expression like he was satisfied.

He would also bring up little things that otherwise wouldn't have mattered, something little I've said or did. Like if I didn't ask him if he wanted dinner one night (even though he would always say he "drinks" his dinner.)...I later realized he was prepping me to feel guilty so he could feel like he had a "pass" to go on a binge or to stay out all night while I was at home with DD.

isitme

Oh.. unease. I can't tell you the number of times I lived the above cycle you're talking about. It's the most horrible feeling in the world.

I need to hit some more alanon meetings myself. That's probably the place where I first started to make actual progress. One day about 3 or 4 weeks ago, I just broke. After 10 years of going through what you described I said enough is enough. I just spent my first night in my new place last night. I thought I'd sigh in relief once I was out. It's certainly not been that easy.

I'd try alanon if you have not. It feels unnatural at first, but your thinking will eventually shift.

Good luck and Big Hugs!

hopeful4

Yup. It's a form of serious abuse. I let my X do this to me to the point of nearly driving myself crazy. Literally to the point of having a nervous breakdown.

You have a choice to not let yourself be abused.

XX

FeelingGreat

It's extreme passive / aggressive behaviour. It really gets you down, even if you ignore it. The only thing you can do is say 'what's bothering you?', and stick at it until he comes clean. But if he's doing it to manipulate and play with you, it's probably not going to stop him.

dandylion

unease....Yes, this is a form of emotional abuse. You might not have thought of it like this, but, it is.
Remember that normal people who have any sensitivity, at all, do not do this to other people. What he is doing is dysfunctional and cruel to say the least.

Love is not supposed to hurt like this.

dandylion

P.S.--it doesn't matter WHY he does it. What matters is the effect that his behavior has on you.

changeneeded

In response to your question: "who does stuff like that?"

My AH

unease7

That night, as I was crying I told him again that we need help. Ive told him this before, I also said im never going to be happy like this, your never going to let me be happy about anything. I was just kinda rocking back and forth sobbing and repeating these things outloud over and over starring at the wall, While he was starring at me and he agreed we do need counceling he says to work out our communication problems.Then later he is walking around the house happy as he could be he was actually SINGING and acting as if nothing had happend.

unease7

Thanks
I'll try anything at this point

ladyscribbler

Have you tried Alanon?

dandylion

unease....there is more than just communication problems going on, here. You need to begin to get help for yourself....now. He is not going to just "let" you be happy.

It is your job to take care of yourself...regardless of what he does (or doesn't) do. You have absolutely no control over him....and, you will drive yourself crazy trying to get him to begin to care about you.

You have given your power away to him and he has used that power to run roughshod over you and your heart.

My dear....take your power back by getting help and support for yourself. This is the only way out of this deep hole that you are in, right now.

I wish I could say this more gently to you...I would, if I could!
So many of us have been in your shoes.....and, we want to help you so much.

I hope that you will allow yourself to trust those of us who have gone before you.

dandylion

lillamy

Excuse me for being blunt here: You don't need help "to work out your communication problems." That's cow manure. He's not allowing you to have your emotions, he's trying to control everything you do, he's enjoying inflicting pain. That's not "communication problems" -- that's abuse.

unease7

Yes, thats it, thats exactly what he does. I dont believe he will actually go or if he goes with me it wont last long. I dont think he will do very well with opening up to a complete stranger about what is really going on in our marriage and then having another person give their recomendations. I have always wished their was someone else in the room when he acts the way he does and now I feel like their will be. I know he will try to put on a show put a good therapist will see thru his crap , Once before I went to a therapist due to some guilt he was dumping on me (at the time there was no way I could realize what he was doing I was a insecure nervous wreck)but the therapist put him in his place quick! after my ah finished rambeling on and on about what he felt was my issue the therapist looked at my husband very angrily said Can She Speak? Does She talk sir ?? OK then I would like to speak to HER now. AH was speechless and at the time I was so sick I felt sorry for him and didnt like the therapist but looking back now I realize that the therapist saw what was going on the minute we sat down. But I also know that I need to feel like I gave this a try if it doesnt help I will know I tried everything I felt like I could. For me the most important thing is taking care of my daughters and that means I cant keep being an emotional wreck I have to take care of myself in order to be able to take good care of them and I hate the thought that because I am still trying to save this marriage I might be setting a very bad example of what is acceptable way to be treated. I want them to look at me as a very strong determined hard working mother that they can be proud of .

unease7

Yes, I went once a week for about a 3 months and then once the kids started school it was too hard and he was starting to do evil crap like getting the girls in bed and asleep pureposly before I got home if I was late getting homeand then he would say things like they waited as long as they could, they were so upset that you were'nt here to kiss them goodnight he even told me our youngest was sitting up in bed saying momma said she would be home before I went to bed. He knew that would break my heart which it did and then he said well whats the matter baby i didnt mean to upset you its ok I'm sure they will understand. When I asked my oldest daughter the next day about all of this she rolled her eyes and said mom seriously he is a liar and everything was fine last night(she was 11years old at this time) But I felt like it was going to get worse and at that time and even now he wasnt drinking very much so I felt like I had gotten as much as I could from the meetings at that point and the meeting I was going to was the only one I knew of close by like 5 minutes away but it was run by the sweetest lady you could ever meet but she was in her 80's and some nights no one else would come and it was just me and her and we would talk and sometimes she would tell the same stories over and over cause she forgets shes told it before.So I guess I felt like the risk of going and leaving the kids there wasnt worth what I was gaining from the meetings But still i know Alanon helped me so much in just understanding nothing was my fault nobody had ever told me that before.

ladyscribbler

I am still trying to save this marriage

You can't do that alone. He does not sound willing or ready to change. The abuse he heaps on you is serving its purpose by keeping you confused and stuck.
So glad you are reaching out for help here. Please keep posting. Many here have been in your shoes. You are not alone and you are not crazy. You deserve happiness and kindness.
Hugs.

theuncertainty

I dealt with the same type of behavior from AXH. I ended up going to a counselor to try to learn how to communicate with AXH, so he might finally understand how he scared or hurt me and maybe then he'd stop. There is no way AXH would go to counseling: I was the one with the communication problem; he was fine with how things were.

A couple sessions in, the counselor told me she'd keep working with me to understand AXH's addiction, but I should contact the local DV and rape crisis resources. I swear, I thought she was trying to make me see that I didn't have it so bad and should stop whining.

She kept asking if I'd called. So I finally did and met with a DV counselor. I was stunned when, instead of telling me to leave, the DV counselor agreed that what I was telling her about my relationship with AXH was abuse and that, yes, I could also get help from the rape crisis line. Talking with her I started crying. Some one was finally telling me, and I was finally listening, that, no the relationship with AXH wasn't normal and it wasn't right, and it wasn't completely my fault that AXH got upset so often. And there was nothing I could do _by_myself_ to make the relationship better. It wouldn't matter if I was a world-class expert on communication, my interactions with AXH would continue to be twisted unless he put in a lot of honest work, too.

It took a long time for me to reach the point where I heard what others were telling me about my marriage to AXH and how I seemed to fade into a shadow of myself when he was around. Please don't be hard on yourself. It takes time and a lot of effort to build up clarity and strength when dealing with an abusive partner. Take care of yourself.

NWGRITS

The issue isn't communication or basic marital problems like not seeing eye-to-eye over finances or religion. No amount of counseling is going to fix this. He is abusing you, plain and simple. And I want you to recognize that alcoholism and abuse are two separate things. Taking away the drink won't likely change the abuse aspect, so I really have to ask why you would WANT to stay with a loser like that? Because you certainly deserve better.