Rev 3:16

Very disappointed in two different Al Anon meetings I attended. I was hoping for help in working with my drinking wife and advice from others in getting her sober. Al Anon seemed more about saving yourself and I know that's what many people need. Are they all like that? In my case I still want to pull her into the lifeboat--not sail away to let her drown.

Willing to keep trying. Anyone save their spouse?

searching peace

There is a saying in here that you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

I think that will be your first step to helping your wife. When you realize the above and begin to help yourself. We as codependents have a hard time not trying to fix things. But you can only help your wife recover if you are healthy and recover. It took me a very long time to understand accept and realize that about myself. I have to work on my recovery every day. I believe we all want to help our spouse and not sail away from them. There is also a saying that you do not jump in the water after a drowning person because they will pull you down with them. This is a very true statement. I lifeguarded most of my young adult years and this is true. It is also true with the alcoholic world. It is best for you to get in your own life boat and allow your wife to find her life boat. You can both get to safe shores and reunite in healthy firm land!

It is easy for me to give you advice and so difficult for me to live it myself. I struggle every day. But I hope you will research codependency and read some post on the forum and learn as I have what all of this is about. I have been dealing with this for two years and struggle daily. There are much better success stories on here. Please read. These are really good people on this forum who have walked in your shoes and will give you honest helpful information and support. Good luck! You can do this!!!

airwick

I KNOW what I did for my AH was right. I left, not because I wanted to see him drown but to see him get a life preserver and swim. I have not gone to a meeting, yet it does help a lot of people. You just have to decide if it is right for you.

Taking5

When we as Alcoholics/Addicts are abandoned and left to our own resources, this is often the beginning of getting better. It may seem as though Alanon takes a very cold, hard line approach, but they do not IMHO.

Left to their own devices, codependents have and will let us drink ourselves to death. Cutting off the A and leaving us to our own fate is often the only way to save us or the marriage.

Missus

I'm sure this sounds harsh to you, but there is really nothing you can do that will make your wife stop drinking ... until she wants to stop, she will keep going.

If there was a way we as significant others could make our loved ones stop drinking (or drugging, or over eating, or ... insert addiction here), these boards would be just a few sticky posts outlining what needs to be done for the newcomers. As it is, there are many thousands of posts from people at their wits ends, all of whom probably started where you are - "how do I stop him/her from drinking?".

Eventually we come to realise that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We start our journey to health when we realise this.

This is not to say you are sailing away to let your wife drown. Think of it as an oxygen mask in an airplane - affix your own mask before trying to help anyone else. You're no good to anyone else if you haven't a mask of your own first.

And if your wife doesn't want a mask - you can't make her.

This is a bit ramble, I hope it makes sense. You are not discompassionate if you take care of your own needs first, and let your wife take care of her needs as she sees fit (or not - she's a grown up).

NWGRITS

Al-Anon isn't about making them quit drinking. Neither is this forum here. You can't make her stop. That's the cold, hard truth. What Al-Anon and we here at SR are for, is to help you manage your life with an alcoholic. We are here for you, to give you support. Many come here looking for the tools to fix their alcoholic. We don't have them because they don't exist. Only an alcoholic who has decided they are ready to quit drinking will stop. There's not a thing any of us can do to make them.

MIRecovery

Alanon will teach you many thing but gettin an alcoholic sober is up to the alcoholic and God. You may learn that the way you are dealing with the situation is unhealthy for you and the alcoholic

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Rev. This can be a wonderful place to find information and support in dealing w/alcoholism and other addictions. Unfortunately, as others have mentioned, the one thing you won't find here is the secret of how to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. And, sadly enough, the alcohol often proves to be only the tip of a mighty iceberg of issues...

The best thing I could suggest for you would be to read and read here, as well as seeking out information on alcoholism thru your local library and your Alanon group. Learning what alcoholism is and isn't, and what you can and can't do about it, will put you in a much better place to make decisions and move ahead.

The stickies at the top of the page are a wealth of wisdom and info--make sure not to miss them in your reading. This thread is from there and is a good place to start. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You may not want to hear a lot of what you'll read here, but I hope you can try to take it in. There is a phenomenal thread here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html about what people thought and felt when they first joined SR, and it may help you understand what's being said and why.

We say this a lot here, and it's true: If love was enough for us to save our A's, there would be no need for this forum. While a lot of what you hear here may sound cold or hard, you'll eventually begin to understand, I think.

Again, welcome, and please do read as much as you can. It gives a perspective that will make all the difference for you, moving forward.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

LLLisa

Nope. I tried. Mine preferred to continue to drink and abuse me while I worked, paid all the bills and cared for the children.

You can't save someone who wants to keep the status quo and keep drinking.

Hopeworks

I spent 4 years focused every fiber of my being on stopping my ex fiancé from drinking and he concentrated ever fiber of his being on the next drink and how to keep me in his world as his enabler.

I finally had to let him go to find life and his own way out and today he is in a long term rehab program... don't know if it will stick but now that his liver and heart are shot if he doesn't stop he dies. THat seems to be having an effect on his resolve and recovery.

Creating boundaries for ourselves create a new reality for the A...they have to adapt and change behaviors and this is far healthier than making it easy for them to navigate life drunk with our help.

HOpe that makes sense. Keep coming back to alanon...it will all start making sense if you keep hanging out with people who have returned to a life of normal thinking.

redatlanta

I came here looking for the answer for how to get my relapsed husband to quit drinking. As the others have stated coming to terms with the fact that I could not ever make him stop was a hard pill to swallow and I did not accept that at first.

I also balked at Al Anon - though eventually went because I thought maybe they could tell me how to get him to stop. I did not see myself as a codie or an enabler. I was both. By learning how to set boundaries and coming to terms with how I wanted to live life, and that it was not MY responsibility to save the life of my spouse (in terms of his alcoholism) I regained my sanity. I did not and do not owe him MY life so that he can drink.

Setting boundaries I believe was what made him decide to quit. I chose not to continue our relationship if he chose booze. He got back into recovery. That is not everyone's experience. For me it was a win/win, though it would have been painful to split it was more painful, crazy, drama, upsetting, and scary to stay. He will be sober 2 years at the end of the month and all is well with us.

Best of luck to you and I hope you continue with Al Anon.

Eauchiche

Dear Rev.
Usually, we have lost the relationship with our alcoholic spouse a long time before we show up here. As one of the other posters stated, the drinking is just the tip of a "mighty iceberg."
If you work this program, you will come to know God in a new and profound way. One of the fringe benefits MIGHT be sobriety for your wife. Prayers ascending for you today...

Blossom717

Try the book "getting them sober"...It may help you understand it a little better. good luck

MissFixit

I don't mean this sarcastic, but sincerely. If you are not making her drink, why do you think you can make her stop drinking? r
Only she can make herself stop if she wants to and when she is ready, which might never happen.

Hawks

The paradox is this Rev.

By fixing yourself, you can help her fix herself.

It's a weird concept, but Al anon arrived at that conclusion from decades of experience of dealing with drinking drunks.

readerbaby71

You can't save another person. Believe me, I've tried. I'm sorry you're going through this.

audra

My DH always wanted me to quit and blamed me for a few of our issues. When I finally did, he also started to go to alanon. Low and behold, it wasn't about me and my drinking at all. It was all about him and how he fit into the whole mess. Good place to start. Things are going pretty good now that he has taken responsibility for his part.

KathleenConroy

You cannot help a person until he or she is ready to be helped – yes it sounds like it is rude and stupid to say. However, the fact is that unless someone is ready to step up and take control, you are never going to change them. It is that simple.

Florence

Mine too. Today, he's still drinking and abusing OTHER people while they work, pay his bills, and care for his children. We are divorced as of this June. I was fully committed to him as long as he pursued recovery. He pretended to, while drinking even more secretly, as long as I'd tolerate the farce.

It's like running into traffic to save someone who wants to play Frogger on the rush hour freeway. You can run into traffic and try to drag them out by the hair (good luck), stand on the sidelines and make yourself crazy watching all the near-misses (and hits), or go live your life while they figure out what they're doing and why they're so dead set on self-destruction.

I also know I had to try dragging my XAH off the freeway by the hair before I got it. Let me tell you, the traffic isn't fun. I have some scars to show from the experience. XAH is still staggering around the lanes, denying he spends any time there at all.

Tortured metaphor? Yeah.

You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.

SparkleKitty

To steal your own metaphor, you can't drag someone into a lifeboat if they do not want to go. And the longer you hang on, the more likely you will get dragged under with them.

If the answer that you are seeking was out there, someone would have found it by now. Goodness knows, so many of us have thrown every ounce of smarts and creativity and willpower and love at it without finding it!