Knowledge & understanding doesn't help 😩😩

Old 10-21-2014, 03:59 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Butterfly, I hope every day gets easier for you. I have been detaching and have now stopped communication, although he always seems to find a way. I'm not responding. I need peace. I can't wait until I stop thinking of him. ...as soon as I wake up. Throughout the say. As I go to sleep. But the thoughts aren't as painful. .. I'm getting better.
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Old 10-21-2014, 06:18 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
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I really wanted to have a light switch go off and I would have had enough, like so many here have. It never happened. It took me 2 years of therapy to get stronger and value myself and my life. When I started looking at my husband through other people's eyes, I really wasn't impressed with what I saw. If a friend hooked up with a guy like him, I would be sad for them. But yet, I stayed. Fear, low self esteem, obligation, guilt and the fantasy kept me stuck.

My husband did get clean and sober for periods of time and the fantasy came back for a while. But the truth was he was still a very sick man underneath it all. He had a lot of work do to. He was emotionally stunted and had to learn to live on life's terms. Drinking is just a symptom of a much deeper, dark problem, IMO. I finally decided I wanted someone healthy. Someone not riddled with addiction.

I am not ready for another relationship and won't be for a long time. But I look forward to someday having a healthy partner, God willing and I didn't think that would ever be possible with him.

Look at your husband with honest eyes, do you really like what you see??? Has he ever really been the husband you deserved for any length of time? Was I proud to be his wife? Was I proud of my marriage anymore? It was those kinds of questions that forced me to get out of my fantasy thinking.

You will get there, I promise! But as a wise member (((Ann)) kept telling me.....the only way to get over the pain was to keep walking through it. Today, I am still walking and in a lot less pain. I hardly think of him anymore. I do miss the life we once had but that is now long gone and I am starting a new life, one that I look forward to most of the time.

P.s. I also had a picture of my husband, where he looked awful....like a psycho that I used a lot, lol. It really helped!! I honestly believe it is just retraining our brains to think differently and that takes time and practice. Therapy, SR, gratitude lists and positive affirmations helped with all of that.
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Old 10-22-2014, 09:26 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Butterfly, I admire you. You are working so hard. You are sharing all of your raw feelings here. You articulate so well. You explain how you are feeling so well. Even though you may not understand it, I think everyone here does.

I have often looked for your threads. I feel like in some ways you have more courage than me. When I come here I find myself wondering how you are doing.

I can't yet put into words how I feel. I can, but it would be lame and choppy and I am not sure I am even ready to put into words what I am feeling. I'm afraid. I haven't felt in years.

Tomorrow will be my 3rd therapy session and it is very painful and uncomfortable and I can FEEL there is a lot there. But it's hard for me to say it all. Or it's easy and I'm just taking very tiny steps, afraid to face whatever is deep inside of me.

But here you are and here you have been chugging along and sharing so much. I wanted to thank you for being so brave and sharing so much with everyone here. It helps me.

I'm all girl power over here, I left my A 'high and dry', I finally had enough, I left, I moved, I got out - but now that the dust has settled and all of the big things are out of the way (court, the move, child support, PFA, etc) I am left with what feels like hundreds of tiny shattered pieces of glass that I have to put back together.

These last few months, you have been doing alot of emotional work. Alot. You can't tell but I can tell by reading and I can also tell because your posts again, are so raw and true and from your gut. I'm going to be there soon and I hope you will be there to remind me that things will get better.

In a wierd way, I am somewhat envious. Not sure if this makes any sense. big hug...
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Old 10-22-2014, 10:38 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I think the hardest thing for me to understand was he is an alcoholic I thought an alcoholic was the stereo typical alcoholic!! even when we were together I thought he had a drinking problem and everything would be ok, I listened to his false promises and believed him, believed love was enough. When I found this forum I wasn't even sure he was an alcoholic he didn't drink every night, he could go periods of time without drinking only to start again he didn't put me through what some people have experienced on here!

He was a binge drinker. It is on through this forum I have realised he is an alcoholic. For me that the was the hardest thing to get my head around when he left to do what he wanted and drink when he wanted I didn't understand the control it had over him and how much he had been trying to control it for years for one day to walk out on his family so he could drink. I still struggle with this but it is what it is and it was the shock that he left after everything he said and I have to remind myself I cant apply logic to something that isn't logical! He is drinking more now than he ever did at home, his addiction is progressing.

Meggam you will get there with your feelings and one day you will feel them and begin to process everything that has happened. I have to be honest I wouldn't have had the strength to leave him and if he hadn't left I'd still be in the cycle. You are much stronger and come so far than you give yourself credit for. You left and stayed away that strength!!

I begged and pleaded for months for him to come home and get help even when he continued to refuse I believed he loved me too much to lose me now I know different!! I am now beginning to realise love isn't enough!!

You are doing so well and it's understandable that you are scared to feel your feelings given what you have been through you will get there, I still take one day at a time and days like today it's one minute at a time. I am practising patience with myself at the minute as I want everything now, be patient with yourself, your a strong woman and your doing brilliant

Tight hugs.
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