Trying to understand...could he be an alcoholic?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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There are definite differences between boundaries and an ultimatium. Addicts are like naughty children, if you put up either one, be prepared to enforce it. If not, they will see that and manipulate you like crazy. They don't even realize it sometimes, but it does happen.
Boundaries are for you to keep for YOURSELF. I will not be around him when drinking for example. Then you form a plan, when he drinks I will go stay X place. When he is drinking I will not ride in a car with him. Then don't do it! These boundaries are for you to keep, you have control of them.
If you give an ultimatium, which should not be taken lightly or until you are ready, it is for HIM to keep. "If you continue to drink, I will be leaving." However, you then need to be prepared to do that. He is in control of that ultimatium and what he does or does not do with it.
Do you understand the differences? While I don't recommend you make snap decisions, I do recommend you make boundaries to protect your own wellbeing.
Tight Hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Boundaries are for you to keep for YOURSELF. I will not be around him when drinking for example. Then you form a plan, when he drinks I will go stay X place. When he is drinking I will not ride in a car with him. Then don't do it! These boundaries are for you to keep, you have control of them.
If you give an ultimatium, which should not be taken lightly or until you are ready, it is for HIM to keep. "If you continue to drink, I will be leaving." However, you then need to be prepared to do that. He is in control of that ultimatium and what he does or does not do with it.
Do you understand the differences? While I don't recommend you make snap decisions, I do recommend you make boundaries to protect your own wellbeing.
Tight Hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 8
Last night, I had asked a few questions like, "were you drinking?" In response to some things he commented about, such as feeling extra tired and sleepy lately. And he would get defensive about it, "why do you keep asking questions about drinking? I don't even drink every day."
Today he was talking about how he had to take out $1100 from his savings to pay his credit card bill. I can't remember if I posted that I made him get his own credit card earlier this year to pay for his "extra" expenses such as on alcohol and smoking. I asked him how his bill got to $1100 and he said, "actually it was $1700, I think maybe I didn't pay last month? Now I have like $1600 left in my savings."
It's already catching up to him. How much longer before he has no extra savings to pay off his bills for his addictions, on top of our shared bills?
To add insult, he's decided he wants to spruce up our already nice bathroom. He used our shared credit card to buy a fancy new curtain rod, bought a fancy picture for the wall above the toilet, wants new decorative towels on the towel rack, wants a new bath rug (already bought the last two but decided he didn't like them and wants to return).
We have a very nice house, built a few years ago. It already looks nice by default. But it's not good enough and he wants to buy new things whenever he gets bored. I have no desire to do these things. But that's been part of our problems. He's obsessed with things that look nice (to HIM) and wants to spend the money we barely have to do so. Why is it that we have a DIY back porch project (that we started a year ago) and when I left two weeks ago, there were only a few things left to do, which only he could do, but then he chose not to do them. Instead he launched into "upgrading" our bathroom, buying completely unnecessary things with our money. He didn't discuss with me about it either, probably because he knew I would poopoo on it. He said he wanted it to be a surprise and have it all ready when I got back. Funny, I'm pretty sure he would have known I wouldn't be excited about it. I almost feel like he was waiting for me to get irritated and snap at him for spending the money. Instead, I said nothing and thought in my head, maybe this will just make it easier to sell the house and split up...
Today he was talking about how he had to take out $1100 from his savings to pay his credit card bill. I can't remember if I posted that I made him get his own credit card earlier this year to pay for his "extra" expenses such as on alcohol and smoking. I asked him how his bill got to $1100 and he said, "actually it was $1700, I think maybe I didn't pay last month? Now I have like $1600 left in my savings."
It's already catching up to him. How much longer before he has no extra savings to pay off his bills for his addictions, on top of our shared bills?
To add insult, he's decided he wants to spruce up our already nice bathroom. He used our shared credit card to buy a fancy new curtain rod, bought a fancy picture for the wall above the toilet, wants new decorative towels on the towel rack, wants a new bath rug (already bought the last two but decided he didn't like them and wants to return).
We have a very nice house, built a few years ago. It already looks nice by default. But it's not good enough and he wants to buy new things whenever he gets bored. I have no desire to do these things. But that's been part of our problems. He's obsessed with things that look nice (to HIM) and wants to spend the money we barely have to do so. Why is it that we have a DIY back porch project (that we started a year ago) and when I left two weeks ago, there were only a few things left to do, which only he could do, but then he chose not to do them. Instead he launched into "upgrading" our bathroom, buying completely unnecessary things with our money. He didn't discuss with me about it either, probably because he knew I would poopoo on it. He said he wanted it to be a surprise and have it all ready when I got back. Funny, I'm pretty sure he would have known I wouldn't be excited about it. I almost feel like he was waiting for me to get irritated and snap at him for spending the money. Instead, I said nothing and thought in my head, maybe this will just make it easier to sell the house and split up...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Also, I just paid off half the credit card bill and noticed the last few expenses were for alcohol. I asked him why he put those on our card and he said he just didn't have his card on him at the time. I know this is a fight if I pursued it. I didn't, thankfully.
i like the setting boundaries thing. What is that here? If he uses our card for his addictions.............I go in and subtract out his expenses that shouldn't be on there? No, that's what I did for a long time. It sucks. If he uses our card for his addictions, I move out. That doesn't sound right either.
The worst part is, if I make a boundary of leaving the house if he drinks? I have nowhere to go. He's not a mean or violent drunk and this is my house too, damn it. I do not have family or close friends I'd feel comfortable staying with. I do feel like it would make a point to him though, if I left whenever he drank...
i like the setting boundaries thing. What is that here? If he uses our card for his addictions.............I go in and subtract out his expenses that shouldn't be on there? No, that's what I did for a long time. It sucks. If he uses our card for his addictions, I move out. That doesn't sound right either.
The worst part is, if I make a boundary of leaving the house if he drinks? I have nowhere to go. He's not a mean or violent drunk and this is my house too, damn it. I do not have family or close friends I'd feel comfortable staying with. I do feel like it would make a point to him though, if I left whenever he drank...
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Financial stuff was difficult for me. When you're married, it doesn't much matter whose name is on the card -- in a divorce situation, you get to split all debt and all assets 50/50 anyway (most of the time).
I insisted on separate accounts and splitting the bills when I was married to an A. That way, I had control over how I spent my money and he could do whatever he wanted with his. By the time we divorced, he was so embarrassed at the credit card debt he had that he didn't bring it up (thank God, or I'd still be paying for his booze...).
What boundaries do you feel like you need? And why do you feel you need to set boundaries? If you set them in order to make a point to him, think again -- that probably won't work. Boundaries are more intended to protect you than to make him behave a certain way.
I insisted on separate accounts and splitting the bills when I was married to an A. That way, I had control over how I spent my money and he could do whatever he wanted with his. By the time we divorced, he was so embarrassed at the credit card debt he had that he didn't bring it up (thank God, or I'd still be paying for his booze...).
What boundaries do you feel like you need? And why do you feel you need to set boundaries? If you set them in order to make a point to him, think again -- that probably won't work. Boundaries are more intended to protect you than to make him behave a certain way.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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I'm not sure what boundaries I need. 
I'm just starting to read about it. I can see it as a way to make things clearer to me on what I need to do next (e.g. leave). It's just hard for me to say, you're a good person but I don't like that you drink, so I'm leaving. But if I set it as a clear boundary that he doesn't want to respect, somehow it seems more clear cut that this is what it's going to be, and I need to leave. At least, that's how I imagine it to be in my head...
I'm just starting to read about it. I can see it as a way to make things clearer to me on what I need to do next (e.g. leave). It's just hard for me to say, you're a good person but I don't like that you drink, so I'm leaving. But if I set it as a clear boundary that he doesn't want to respect, somehow it seems more clear cut that this is what it's going to be, and I need to leave. At least, that's how I imagine it to be in my head...
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This is a recent thread on boundaries user isitme posted a link to a really good article on boundaries.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
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SIL, I just did a quick scan of all the response, so I apologize if I'm repeating what's already been said.
You mention in posts #22 and #23 concerns over his spending, and concerns over not having anywhere to go if you were to leave.
This might be a good time for you to start thinking about setting money aside for an emergency fund. Money that he doesn't know about, or have access to. It might also be a good idea to start getting other items in order. Jewelry, important papers, anything of value.
Start protecting your assets now. The only thing the progression of this disease hits harder than the heart is the pocketbook.
Good Luck to you.
You mention in posts #22 and #23 concerns over his spending, and concerns over not having anywhere to go if you were to leave.
This might be a good time for you to start thinking about setting money aside for an emergency fund. Money that he doesn't know about, or have access to. It might also be a good idea to start getting other items in order. Jewelry, important papers, anything of value.
Start protecting your assets now. The only thing the progression of this disease hits harder than the heart is the pocketbook.
Good Luck to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 8
We talked last night. I have no idea if I went about it the wrong way. He doesn't believe he has any kind of drinking problem. He said he would never give up alcohol completely. He's always going to have a glass of wine for dinner. From my perspective, he has never simply had one glass of wine.
I think I ended up de-emphasizing the alcohol and focused on the fact that we have many other problems. I don't like that I did that, but I could tell the conversation wasn't going to go anywhere if I kept on the drinking. He doesn't believe he has a drinkng problem. I grew up differently and I have different views of drinking, he said. I said I can't be around him anymore if he keeps drinking like he does (which I'm sure he thought was total ********, since he doesn't have a drinking problem).
I started looking for new places to live. He doesn't want to sell the house. He offered to make payments to pay me back for everything I've paid on the mortgage. Right...he can barely afford his credit card bill. And on top of that, they hung a tag on our door, threatening to shut our water off if we don't pay the bill. This is the second time it's happened this year. Why? Because I trusted that he was taking care of things (our card changed awhile ago and he was supposed to change the automatic payments).
I can't help but feel that I have to live in a crappy place for awhile til the house thing is taken care of. I don't want to live in a dump like a college kid again but I just don't know if I can afford a nice rental on top of the mortgage.
Just now, he was boiling water in the tea kettle and left it whistling for awhile (I'm not sure where he went off to). Normally I get up and make the coffee when he does this. Did I mention I've suspected him of having passive aggressive behavior? Well, finally I just turned on my music and blasted it (I was in the bedroom). Within half a minute, he took care of it himself. I really felt like he did that to bother me. Or am I just being ultrasensitive?
I'm sure he's going to go out late tonight. Talk to his mom, maybe? What I'm sure of is that I will be spending the evening by myself because he's really the only person I have here. Why is it that I'm technically "alone" anyway, because we barely interact when we are in the house together...but when he's actually physically gone, it feels so much more alone?
I think I ended up de-emphasizing the alcohol and focused on the fact that we have many other problems. I don't like that I did that, but I could tell the conversation wasn't going to go anywhere if I kept on the drinking. He doesn't believe he has a drinkng problem. I grew up differently and I have different views of drinking, he said. I said I can't be around him anymore if he keeps drinking like he does (which I'm sure he thought was total ********, since he doesn't have a drinking problem).
I started looking for new places to live. He doesn't want to sell the house. He offered to make payments to pay me back for everything I've paid on the mortgage. Right...he can barely afford his credit card bill. And on top of that, they hung a tag on our door, threatening to shut our water off if we don't pay the bill. This is the second time it's happened this year. Why? Because I trusted that he was taking care of things (our card changed awhile ago and he was supposed to change the automatic payments).
I can't help but feel that I have to live in a crappy place for awhile til the house thing is taken care of. I don't want to live in a dump like a college kid again but I just don't know if I can afford a nice rental on top of the mortgage.
Just now, he was boiling water in the tea kettle and left it whistling for awhile (I'm not sure where he went off to). Normally I get up and make the coffee when he does this. Did I mention I've suspected him of having passive aggressive behavior? Well, finally I just turned on my music and blasted it (I was in the bedroom). Within half a minute, he took care of it himself. I really felt like he did that to bother me. Or am I just being ultrasensitive?
I'm sure he's going to go out late tonight. Talk to his mom, maybe? What I'm sure of is that I will be spending the evening by myself because he's really the only person I have here. Why is it that I'm technically "alone" anyway, because we barely interact when we are in the house together...but when he's actually physically gone, it feels so much more alone?
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I don't want to live in a dump like a college kid again but I just don't know if I can afford a nice rental on top of the mortgage.
Living in a "dump" with peace and calm, and a few buck in the bank
is a thousand times better then living with a, financially out of control, not ready to give up the drink, alcoholic.
just sayin'
Living in a "dump" with peace and calm, and a few buck in the bank
is a thousand times better then living with a, financially out of control, not ready to give up the drink, alcoholic.
just sayin'
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
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That may make it harder to find a place. I love that that is a concern of yours.
Please don't leave the pooches with him.
Just kind of start seeing what's out there. Sometimes fate lends a hand.
Please don't leave the pooches with him.
Just kind of start seeing what's out there. Sometimes fate lends a hand.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
just thinking out loud here, but why do you have to be the one to move out?
He is the one stirring the poop pot here, seems only right he should have to lick the spoon, and own some of his unacceptable life choices.
sending u tons of support.
He is the one stirring the poop pot here, seems only right he should have to lick the spoon, and own some of his unacceptable life choices.
sending u tons of support.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Have you regularly attended Al-Anon meetings? They can be such a support and a path to clarity and wisdom as we sort things out.
You are so wise to be looking at this now, while your marriage is still young. Don't give your life away, don't abandon yourself out of lack of awareness, like I did.
You are so wise to be looking at this now, while your marriage is still young. Don't give your life away, don't abandon yourself out of lack of awareness, like I did.
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