HurtAgain

After 5 years together my alcoholic boyfriend came home one night and said I'm unhappy and leaving. I put in for an ex-patriot to leave the country to live in England or China for a while. He packed up, had sex with me (got mad because I cried) and left with no goodbye to my two children he had helped raise for the five years. Now he's rented a small house in the same town, going to the bars in town, tells me I'm not allowed on his side of town, tells me not to call or text, texts me with demands of nude pictures and videos, says he's only using me for **** and ass and would never treat another woman that way. He's drunk almost every night and hungover the next day. I'm so confused and as addicted to him as he is alcohol. Part of me knows it is good he's gone. He was verbally and mentally abusive, picked out inappropriate outfits for me to wear at night, left my children and I on the beach twice to find our own way back to Illinois and has broken many many things in his rages. The rages were almost always centered at me for not wearing the clothes he expected and occasionally at my children for behavior.

His unhappy reasons are back and forth, it's me, then it's him, then I deserve better, my clothes, not having freak sex every weekend, not refinancing the house and putting him on it, I have no self esteem, and on and on. I feel like these are just excuses. I often feel like he projects his faults or issues onto me to deflect blame.

He's been to AA 5 times (never past step 4) anger management twice and says that in the reason he drinks and gets mad. Says that now that he's gone he is no longer mad and angry all of the time.

Am I alone? Is this normal alcoholic behavior? Am I truly to blame?

lillamy

You are NOT to blame.
His behavior is controlling and abusive, and you do not have to put up with it.

I recognize a lot of it -- minus the leaving; my ex was more the type to want me in the house at all times -- and I know how it crushes your spirit and makes you feel small and vulnerable.

Forget about him. No, really -- do forget about him. What about you? What support system do you have? If you're anything like me, you haven't told anyone in your real life about how he treats you. Do. Please. And you will hear from people who know you and love you that you do not deserve to be treated this way.

suki44883

No, you are NOT to blame. In addition to being an alcoholic, he is also an abusive, piece of crap azzhole! You nor your children deserve that kind of treatment.

I hope you stay away from him, block him for contacting you in any way, and focus on taking care of yourself and your children.

Florence

Whoa, this guy is a nightmare.

You are NOT to blame. His behavior is controlling and abusive, and you do not have to put up with it. We often advise one another to go fully no-contact with the alcoholic in order to break ourselves of the habit and give ourselves a little distance from the madness.

You and your kids deserve WAY better than this joker.

islandgrrl

You are definitely not to blame! Please consider looking over the information on emotional abuse in this link Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships If you truly believe that you are addicted to his behavior, consider looking into counselling- they can give you valuable tools to deal with your partner's behavior, and awareness to avoid entering into another relationship of this sort. I work in a transition house for abused women, and my experience is that mentally and emotionally abused women hurt more deeply and for longer. You deserve to put yourself and your children first - you do not have to go through this.

maia1234

YOU ARE BLESSED!! He walked out on you, count that as a blessing!!

You need to take care of you and your kids!! You will be ok, as we all will someday. Block his calls and texts. Plan on NC (no contact) so he can't hurt you with his words. Knowing what he is doing or where he is, only hurts you and holds you back. Focus on the kids and do it for them. They do not deserve this creep in their lives. They need a strong mother who deserves respect and dignity and he was not giving that to you.

Good luck and stay strong.

AnvilheadII

The rages were almost always centered at me for not wearing the clothes he expected and occasionally at my children for behavior.

and now you will NEVER allow anyone to RAGE at your children ever again.
he is violent, dangerous, possibly mentally ill and has NO business being around you or your kids. you must stay away. you WILL see that this is the best thing. you can break your addiction. it's the drama you seek. the cycle of abuse....when the honeymoon/make up period happens. you deserve much much better, but only YOU can guarantee that happens.

and no, this is not typical alcoholic behavior. he has many other issues regarding control and abuse and anger and some sick twisted notions about women and sex.

healthyagain

You should be happy he left. You should actually celebrate. Not only he is mentally and verbally abusive, but he is also physically/sexually abusive. Despicable behavior.

And it is not you. No one deserves that.

NC sounds like a wonderful idea.

HurtAgain

Well I did try to contact him for closure. He's been out dating already. He called the police on me and is saying he's filing a protective order because he doesn't want to talk to me. So confused. I know he was wrong and somehow I'm the blame, burden, reason for his anger and drinking and so on.

suki44883

You won't get closure from him. Closure is something you give yourself. You know all you need to know. He has moved on and you need to do the same. You are much better off without him in your life.

Eauchiche

I am taking editorial license here with my comment, and changing this to "you should actually be celibate."

I know this sounds strange, but giving yourself to a creep like that only deepens your pain and struggle to get free of him.

hopeful4

Break Free. You have children, you do not want them to learn this is the type of behavior that is ok for them to accept or exhibit later on in life.

What he is doing is abuse. You deserve so much more. If this were your daughter telling you all of this, what would you tell her??

You can do it.

love4menotu

Hi break free ..

Get Thomas Lundy 's book "why does he do that?". It will explain his behavior and thought patterns and why you feel as stuck in the pain now as you did when he left.

Once you understand, you can truly move on and quit obsessing.

A year ago I was exactly where you are. Now? I can't believe I actually thought I loved my abusive, bitterly angry ex husband. He's someone else's problem now, thank god. What an emotional basket case he is.. I'm so glad I got away.

I got away!!! I'm living the life I always wanted now, and I am so blessed with a new, healthy relationship. It can happen.

FeliciaM

Please for the sake of your children stay AWAY from this guy. Focus your energy on them and getting yourself back. Keep posting here for support.

Recovering2

If you feel addicted to him, then you need to do what alcoholics need to do with alcohol. Stay away. Even a little is dangerous. You will never get the "closure" you seek from this guy. His behavior is not typical alcoholic. Alcoholics aren't automatically abusive and sadistic. He has abuse/control/mental health issues. Even if he got sober, he would be an abusive person.
Go full No Contact. Lose his contact info out of your phone. Block email, text. Get off FB. Anything you need to do in order to not be reminded of him. Keep your focus on your kids. Do you really want them around an abusive person? Of course not, so let this creep go and focus on getting healthy.