jarp

I don't mean to be flippant about it, but for some reason I don't feel much at all about it. I don't know if this is good, or bad.

I mean I am certainly glad he's going. I hope he gets a lot out of it, hope he makes it through. I'm glad he's trying, for his sake, and for the kids.

He's been in detox since mid last week and then they're moving him right into rehab. He's told me they're going to "tear him apart, and put him back together again". He's terrified, poor love!

But in relation to ME I feel nothing. I've been oping for this day for years, and now it's her....looking inside....looking....looking.....nope....nothing.

What's that about?



If anything I'm a but freaked. He's decided he doesn't want to lose me....last night said 'if I've already lost you then there is no point in putting myself through rehab'. I told him that rehab was nothing to do with me, and that him going was a good thing for sure, but held no relationship to 'us'.

I'm just sitting on the fence at the moment. A big part of me doesn't want him anymore, life is better I think, without him. I always thought the bad stuff was the alcohol...but now I know there is a personality disorder I know that perhaps some of the behaviour I attributed to alcohol, actually maybe was more than just the alcohol.

It's the behaviour that matters of course, no matter what the cause. I just thought if you take away the cause the behaviour wouldn't exist...but now that won't happen.

I feel guilty not being upfront with him. I'm just sticking to the goalpost...go to rehab and then we'll talk....I haven't said what we'll talk about....I don't know yet. I want to see what happens over the next month plus.

Other than guilt I just feel...flat. Exhaustion? The 'come down' from living on adrenalin? That my heart has no feelings left....and my brain just needs to catch up?

Who knows.
.

allforcnm

You've been through a lot Jarp... if your like me then a whole range of emotions are still to come. My therapist told me I had basically been through a trauma.. and this was after he got in rehab. Don't beat yourself up, just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel... and talk about it in your therapy session, with family and friends, here.. whatever makes you feel comfortable. Prayers for both of you going ^^^ tonight.

Thumper

Well, take a much deserved breather for a few days. He is safe and sound and you will have space to decompress and breathe. I don't think your feelings are that out there. I was massively pissed off when he went to rehab. I think I hated him for that more than anything to date which was just nuts but it is what it is. He was sober when he got out but that just made him more aggressive with the mind games and I didn't have the recovery needed to deal with that. You are so strong Jarp. I know you must be getting so tired. Hang in there. It won't be like this forever even though it may seem like it.

redatlanta

After what you have been through of course you feel nothing…..good grief! Like once more get your hopes up - ehhhh no.

Don't feel bad one bit about not answering him. You really can't answer him anyway no one knows how he is going to be after rehab. Plus there is that passive aggressive thing of putting the responsibility of his sobriety back on you cause if you ain't staying, he ain't going. Hmmmmm.

I hope he completes the program and grabs a hold this time.

dandylion

jarp.....feel free to just take this time to just get some real rest. You have no control over him, anyway.

dandylion

FeelingGreat

If the rehab really helps he'll eventually understand it's about him alone; your relationship is a whole other thing which will only come up if and when he's been sober for a sustained period.

I don't think you're being dishonest or sneaky. You haven't had the experience of dealing with him sober, how are you supposed to give him any hope? Possibly it will come up in couples counselling. What is dishonest of him is saying there's no point in rehab unless it's to get him back with you. Emotional blackmail at it's finest, and of course it will be easy to put it back on you if he fails.

biminiblue

I got so exhausted that I gave up. I couldn't continue to strap myself to him on that ride.

Getting off was the hardest, best thing I ever did for my own sanity.

Eauchiche

In our programs, we are encouraged to take "one day at a time."
How, considering this, could you possibly give him an answer?
You can choose, on a day by day basis, to be in his life or not.

meggem

I remember feeling this way. Mine finally went to rehab a year ago this month and him going was something I yearned prayed and hoped for for so long but by the time it came, I didn't care. It was sudden, unplanned and came after a horrific night of him drinking and acting like a monster one night for no reason at all.

He knew he had to go.

I felt completely sick to my stomach and stressed and like a deer caught in the headlights but a part of me.....didn't care anymore.

I think I tried really hard to "generate" care and maybe that was why I was so stressed and strung out because deep down I didn't and I knew I was playing a role I didn't want to play.

We seperated in June after another horrific event but he has been sober for almost a year. But the abuse and the anger and the personality disorder is still there. I thought once the alcohol was removed he would at least be "nice" but he would still fly off the handle and act like a complete ass.

If I could go back I suppose I wouldn't have tried to push myself to "be" a certain way. I would have just been completely honest with him and myself. I sort of thought you aren't supposed to abandon someone when they decide to enter treatment. I thought it was an unspoken law, but you can leave an abusive A anytime you want. duh.

Take advantage of the time you have to rest and recoup and regroup. It will probably get much worse when he is back.

bringiton

I am in total agreement with meggem! My RAH has been sober 90 days and it's still a rollercoaster ride. I don't really know who he is our who he will be in another 90 days. I think I need to just feel what I feel. At first I was trying to be positive for everyone and faked it pretty well. I'm just discovering the true extent of anger and resentment. I wanted him to be sober for so long. I don't know what he is going to be like in a year, sober or not. I'm not sure I want to find out. I feel obligated like I should because this is what I always wanted right? Well, not a l life with someone who abused me for years and I just didn't realize the extent. His recovery is my recovery whether I like it or not. I'm trying to just move slow, feel what I feel, not overreact, not have expectations and just try to figure myself out. I try to remember to take things slow and try not to do anything stupid with or without him!

jarp

Thanks everyone. I just need to learn to sit with my emotions (or non emotions) as they may be at the moment , and need to trust that my answers will be revealed.

This may seem like such a small step but today my FIL offered me the use of his timeshare property as he can't use it, and my first thought was 'I should be here for AH's weekend 'leave' from detox before he goes to rehab....he needs me to be here' and then I put myself first and am going. Might seem me such a small thing but I can't wait to spend some relaxing time in the Australian bush with the kids....and I don't even feel guilty.

One small step at a time hey?

meggem

bringiton - are you going to alanon or counseling? I wish I would have done that asap. But I didn't because I was too busy saving the world and trying to be perfect living in some strange land of wtf just happened.

jarp I'm glad you are going. That is a huge step. I remember going to the family day thing - you had to go to it if you wanted visitation. It was about 2 hours away- I had no interest in going. I wish I would have just said that.

I have no idea how that came up - Oh I know because it's a weekend that your A is out on leave for that weekend.

take care of you. Trust me - I wish I would have. I didn't. I mean yea I left him and has been h$ll but I wish I would have done things differently.

HopefulinFLA

For me, that neutral feeling of neither here nor there, not happy nor sad usually means I'm done. Perhaps that's what's beginning to happen to you Jarp? You've been through so much, maybe your well has run dry.

hopeful4

Jarp...I am glad you are going! I hope you get some much needed R&R!

bringiton

Meggem, I have counseling alone and also with RAH. Two sperate therapist that communicate. I'm really struggling with alanon only one meeting a week offered close by and it still hasn't clicked but I keep looking for new ones! I just realized the amount of verbal and emotional abuse that had taken place. I don't feel safe with him and I'm even afraid to bring things up in front of our therapist. I started therapy right after he came home from rehab I was just dealing with a very large and stubborn amount of denial. Who here knows about that?!? ☺

jarp

Bringiton....I guess that's what I am scared of. That I don't actually feel nothing...that all I have done is masked incredible anger and resentment, and that one day it will come spewing out. I know I have a tendency to do that. I get angry perhaps 3x a year, but when I do I sound a little krrraaazzzy!!!

But I can usually detect those feelings...and I can't. I have plenty to be angry about....it's just not there (I don't think). I am thinking more along hopefulinFA's post....maybe I am just done.

I'm happy enough to be feeling like this...I can't be hurt.

I'm also having counselling....and go to alanon - not enough....it's hard working full time, having three kids, and alanon isn't as big in Australia as it is in the US so even though I live in a capital city, theirs only one meeting close to me a week. And I didn't connect much with that group. But I go as often as I can.

I am however recognising some FOG.....more so obligation and guilt.....but am trying to put my actions first and maybe if I act like I have no guilt or oligaiton the feelings might follow. Also working throu it with therapy.

See you guys next week!!!

schnappi99

Nice that he's in rehab.. but wasn't it just a month or so ago he was all set to go run with the wolves? Yeah that "tear me apart put me together" stuff triggers me.. like rehab is a fix and he'll be better- any indications that he's aware that once he's out of rehab then the real work starts?

I'd propose your neutral position is an indication that you're NOT codie, and it feels weird because you're so used to being that way; stuffing till you explode, trying to love him out of it etc.. If feelings aren't facts then I'd also propose that lack of feelings is also not facts, if you'll pardon the grammar. If thats so then maybe what we're getting at is what you're thinking you're inclined to do as a response to him in rehab. Maybe nothing but get on with your own recovery, he'll get on with his or not and time will tell.

Sometimes the lack of conflict and simple peacefulness from one day to the next feels weird to me. Not being constantly triggered and frustrated and pissed off about something is kind of ...quiet. We had a speaker in my alanon homegroup who said her goal is to make sure nothing ever gets between her and her serenity, trying to make that my motto.