not sure how to stay strong
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not sure how to stay strong
AH called me this morning, sounding sober, for the first time in about 10 days. He moved out officially on Monday, though most of his belongings are still at my house. He calls to say he was sorry for the things he said "last night" and he didn't mean it, and he wants to make things better, blah blah. He knows he put himself in this situation and he deserves it but he's really depressed, wants to come home.
Well, first of all, I didn't talk to him last night, so I'm not sure what he's apologizing for, and I tell him that. "Well the night before then," he says, "when I called you and got mad that you didn't answer the phone until I had called a few times..." Not sure why he would be apologizing for that. That's the kind of BS he always does, so why apologize for this one time. I don't know, but anyway, I guess that's not really the point.
When he hasn't been drinking and is his normal self, it is much harder for me to stay strong, even though I know he'll be back to the drinking before long. There is part of me that feels bad, and wants to bring him food, or just let him come by for a short time and hang out with the kids and me, as long as he's not drinking, but I know I can't do that anymore.
I feel sometimes like I don't even connect all the horrible things that he has done and said when drinking with the person he is when he is sober. Like I'm dealing with two separate people, which makes it easy to forget all the terror he put me through when the nice husband comes out.... because in my twisted mind right now, it wasn't really him that did all that...
Trying to keep reminding myself that IT WAS HIM. HE DID ALL THAT.
Has anyone ever felt similarly? How have you stayed strong?
Well, first of all, I didn't talk to him last night, so I'm not sure what he's apologizing for, and I tell him that. "Well the night before then," he says, "when I called you and got mad that you didn't answer the phone until I had called a few times..." Not sure why he would be apologizing for that. That's the kind of BS he always does, so why apologize for this one time. I don't know, but anyway, I guess that's not really the point.
When he hasn't been drinking and is his normal self, it is much harder for me to stay strong, even though I know he'll be back to the drinking before long. There is part of me that feels bad, and wants to bring him food, or just let him come by for a short time and hang out with the kids and me, as long as he's not drinking, but I know I can't do that anymore.
I feel sometimes like I don't even connect all the horrible things that he has done and said when drinking with the person he is when he is sober. Like I'm dealing with two separate people, which makes it easy to forget all the terror he put me through when the nice husband comes out.... because in my twisted mind right now, it wasn't really him that did all that...
Trying to keep reminding myself that IT WAS HIM. HE DID ALL THAT.
Has anyone ever felt similarly? How have you stayed strong?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, I did the same for a long time! I did not even realize it until my therapist pointed it out to me. My therapist helped me deal with realizing he is one and the same person, and helped me deal with the feelings that came up for me when I started treating him as one and the same person. That helped me ALOT. I also had a few recordings of him being awful that I would play back just so that I would remember.
Mostly, I looked at my sweet DD's faces and knew I have to protect them from a future of this.
Hugs. Stay Strong. You are not his caretaker. He is a grown man. If he needs food, he will eat, it's not your responsibility to make sure he is ok.
Mostly, I looked at my sweet DD's faces and knew I have to protect them from a future of this.
Hugs. Stay Strong. You are not his caretaker. He is a grown man. If he needs food, he will eat, it's not your responsibility to make sure he is ok.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Like I'm dealing with two separate people, which makes it easy to forget all the terror he put me through when the nice husband comes out.... because in my twisted mind right now, it wasn't really him that did all that...
Trying to keep reminding myself that IT WAS HIM. HE DID ALL THAT.
Has anyone ever felt similarly? How have you stayed strong?
Yes, all the time. Especially in the beginning when he was more of a binge drinker and had longer dry spells between binges. Finally it occurred to me (after 5 years, I'm a slow learner) that 1. Like you and Hopeful said, it was ALL HIM, and 2. That if the names and cursing and threats and verbal abuse "didn't mean anything" then neither did the apologies that followed.
Trying to keep reminding myself that IT WAS HIM. HE DID ALL THAT.
Has anyone ever felt similarly? How have you stayed strong?
Yes, all the time. Especially in the beginning when he was more of a binge drinker and had longer dry spells between binges. Finally it occurred to me (after 5 years, I'm a slow learner) that 1. Like you and Hopeful said, it was ALL HIM, and 2. That if the names and cursing and threats and verbal abuse "didn't mean anything" then neither did the apologies that followed.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we have a strong desire to SPLIT the good person from the bad person, as if we could surgically detach one from the other. it's a strong DENIAL mechanism.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splitting.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splitting.html
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 34
Like I'm dealing with two separate people...
this is exactly how I feel about my XAP. Its almost like there is a good(sober) and bad(drunk) war going on in his head. And I can never tell which one will win each day or hour.
this is exactly how I feel about my XAP. Its almost like there is a good(sober) and bad(drunk) war going on in his head. And I can never tell which one will win each day or hour.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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Actions, not words, is where it's at.
I'm trying to explain that to one of my kids now. It's a different situation, but similar:
If you say "I'm going to clean my room" and you don't do it ONE time, I might remind you.
If you say "I'm going to clean my room" every day for a month and still don't do it, I will conclude you are lying and you have no intention of cleaning your room.
That has other side-effects. When I decide your words can't be trusted, I also won't trust you when you say "I've done all my homework" or "it's just going to be me and Jennifer" or "Can I please stay out till 11 because the church group needs to set up the sanctuary for service tomorrow." Basically, when your actions don't match your words, everyone will believe your actions.
Promises mean zilch when not followed up by action. And once you've broken promises and proven yourself a liar, the repair work -- it takes a long time.
I hope your AH understands all of that.
I'm trying to explain that to one of my kids now. It's a different situation, but similar:
If you say "I'm going to clean my room" and you don't do it ONE time, I might remind you.
If you say "I'm going to clean my room" every day for a month and still don't do it, I will conclude you are lying and you have no intention of cleaning your room.
That has other side-effects. When I decide your words can't be trusted, I also won't trust you when you say "I've done all my homework" or "it's just going to be me and Jennifer" or "Can I please stay out till 11 because the church group needs to set up the sanctuary for service tomorrow." Basically, when your actions don't match your words, everyone will believe your actions.
Promises mean zilch when not followed up by action. And once you've broken promises and proven yourself a liar, the repair work -- it takes a long time.
I hope your AH understands all of that.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by tiredmum 
Like I'm dealing with two separate people...
this is exactly how I feel about my XAP. Its almost like there is a good(sober) and bad(drunk) war going on in his head. And I can never tell which one will win each day or hour.
this is exactly how I feel about my XAP. Its almost like there is a good(sober) and bad(drunk) war going on in his head. And I can never tell which one will win each day or hour.
It took me a while to realize and really believe that NO MATTER WHAT I did or said or didn't do or didn't say, if the bad side was going to come out, it was going to come out. I would think, well maybe if I just don't say anything, or maybe if I just agree with everything he says, or if we have steak for dinner, or if I can keep the kids from whining, then maybe he will stay in a good mood. But it didn't matter... I can't control it, and I know that now.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Bottom line... They are A's and they can not be trusted. Until they get sober, and work a program they should never be trusted.
They will say what ever they want to get what ever they want. Here is a couple comments that I saved from sober A's.
When I was drinking I would say anything I thought might-in any Universe-get me what I wanted. Love isn't really possible when one is under the influence - an addict lives in constant shame and fear, and in my case, anger and resentment.
Heavy drinking made my brain not work properly so rational thought was impossible
When I was an active A, I would have said anything to get what I wanted in that moment. Something I probably wouldn't want a short time later.
All these comments really hurt my feelings, but the truth hurts. Sorry
They will say what ever they want to get what ever they want. Here is a couple comments that I saved from sober A's.
When I was drinking I would say anything I thought might-in any Universe-get me what I wanted. Love isn't really possible when one is under the influence - an addict lives in constant shame and fear, and in my case, anger and resentment.
Heavy drinking made my brain not work properly so rational thought was impossible
When I was an active A, I would have said anything to get what I wanted in that moment. Something I probably wouldn't want a short time later.
All these comments really hurt my feelings, but the truth hurts. Sorry
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
So difficult. The only thing I can offer is to keep in mind what we have learned here - that an active alcoholic, even when sober for a short time, is not really their normal selves. No one knows who they really are until they are well into recovery. Not even them.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we have an American Bulldog with issues....with other dogs. primarily OUR other dog. **% of the time they get along great, best buddies, mutual ear lick festivals, all that. but every once in a while...Della just snaps....her sense of territory gets threatened and she's lashing out. It's gotten better over time.....the last time her teeth actually tore into him has been a couple years (she tore a hole in his neck and it took three of us to pull them apart).
She is a wonderful dog, really. just a big goof, loves people, great personality. but we can NEVER forget what she is capable of.
just YESTERDAY at dinner time, she kind of cornered Buck in the living room and snarled at him. not something she's done before.
her "bad" side, the part of her that goes into a red zone and she goes into attack mode, is always there. we'd be fools to think we'd trained it out of her. it means WE must remain vigilent and not let our guard down. we cannot separate or split her in two.
She is a wonderful dog, really. just a big goof, loves people, great personality. but we can NEVER forget what she is capable of.
just YESTERDAY at dinner time, she kind of cornered Buck in the living room and snarled at him. not something she's done before.
her "bad" side, the part of her that goes into a red zone and she goes into attack mode, is always there. we'd be fools to think we'd trained it out of her. it means WE must remain vigilent and not let our guard down. we cannot separate or split her in two.
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