he says he feels "abandoned"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
he says he feels "abandoned"
I hardly post, but read here constantly. This last phone call with my AH has me so livid, so PISSED off, I can't get it out of my mind.
It's coming up on a year ago that he had a seizure in the hallway on a Saturday morning, in front of our 6 & 9 year old girls, and I all of a sudden realized that he'd been lying about EVERYTHING. He'd been claiming that he was "in recovery", going to meetings, etc. I'm still struggling with how I somehow lived with him as wasted as he was and it still didn't register that he was lying and drinking constantly. I feel like I was some kind of prisoner and in such a CRAZY place of denial? fear? I don't know what that was- but it continues to truly haunt me, that he could lie like that and be so out of control and I was so passive.
After the seizure, I finally "snapped out of it". That was it for me. I said he could not come home after detox. He did inpatient and then went to live with family, and has not come home since. Almost a year. I initiated divorce and we are almost through it. He didn't even put up a fight.
So now he tells me that he wants me to understand "where he's at" and "how he's feeling"...that he feels "abandoned" by me....that he can't stop thinking about how I left him at inpatient treatment with "$40 and my i.d." Was I supposed to send him off with his credit card after just learning that all our financial stress was caused by him drinking bottles of vodka everyday, all day, at work, in the car, while driving? Exactly HOW MUCH was I supposed to put up with? How bad does it have to get before I'm "allowed" to say "that's it - I'm out!"?
HE feels abandoned??? I abandoned HIM??? When he first said it, it just broke my heart. I thought I couldn't feel any sadder. But since then, I'm starting to feel more like WHAT THE F????!!! It's so ridiculous! No- he's not worrying about how I'm doing, or how the girls are doing, or how we're "feeling" or "where we're at"......it's all about HIM and how he FEELS. I am so angry!
I assume this means that any relapses or the continued difficulty he's having finding/keeping a job are due to him feeling "abandoned" by me.
I feel that I could rant forever.
It's coming up on a year ago that he had a seizure in the hallway on a Saturday morning, in front of our 6 & 9 year old girls, and I all of a sudden realized that he'd been lying about EVERYTHING. He'd been claiming that he was "in recovery", going to meetings, etc. I'm still struggling with how I somehow lived with him as wasted as he was and it still didn't register that he was lying and drinking constantly. I feel like I was some kind of prisoner and in such a CRAZY place of denial? fear? I don't know what that was- but it continues to truly haunt me, that he could lie like that and be so out of control and I was so passive.
After the seizure, I finally "snapped out of it". That was it for me. I said he could not come home after detox. He did inpatient and then went to live with family, and has not come home since. Almost a year. I initiated divorce and we are almost through it. He didn't even put up a fight.
So now he tells me that he wants me to understand "where he's at" and "how he's feeling"...that he feels "abandoned" by me....that he can't stop thinking about how I left him at inpatient treatment with "$40 and my i.d." Was I supposed to send him off with his credit card after just learning that all our financial stress was caused by him drinking bottles of vodka everyday, all day, at work, in the car, while driving? Exactly HOW MUCH was I supposed to put up with? How bad does it have to get before I'm "allowed" to say "that's it - I'm out!"?
HE feels abandoned??? I abandoned HIM??? When he first said it, it just broke my heart. I thought I couldn't feel any sadder. But since then, I'm starting to feel more like WHAT THE F????!!! It's so ridiculous! No- he's not worrying about how I'm doing, or how the girls are doing, or how we're "feeling" or "where we're at"......it's all about HIM and how he FEELS. I am so angry!
I assume this means that any relapses or the continued difficulty he's having finding/keeping a job are due to him feeling "abandoned" by me.
I feel that I could rant forever.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
I assume this means that any relapses or the continued difficulty he's having finding/keeping a job are due to him feeling "abandoned" by me.
You are doing what you know is best for your children and yourself. Keep doing that. You have every right to be angry. Use that anger to propel yourself through the divorce and then refuse to have any contact with him except where it involves court rulings regarding the children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi and welcome,
I think it was very nice that you dropped him off, left him with $40. and his ID, it's more then I would have done.
So he is supposed to be sober and reaching out for help for how long? A year, and you are still the one he blames for everything. The divorce is the right thing, he will never look at himself and his actions and words.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
I think it was very nice that you dropped him off, left him with $40. and his ID, it's more then I would have done.
So he is supposed to be sober and reaching out for help for how long? A year, and you are still the one he blames for everything. The divorce is the right thing, he will never look at himself and his actions and words.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Yup, it's not your fault. They always seem to know which words to use to trigger your emotions and will use it until it doesn't work anymore. My STBXAW would cry and tell me how I was abandoning her too. It worked a few times until she realized it didn't anymore. Haven't heard from her in 3 weeks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex has a whole sad sack narrative about how I walked out on him and am keeping his son from him and was just after his money because I finally filed for child support. How could I, after all he's done for me? The problem is never his alcoholism, of course, it is literally everything and everyone else in the world (but especially me and anyone else who has the audacity to walk away and stop enabling him).
I think Eauchiche is right, they all have the same script. So sad and ridiculous.
I think Eauchiche is right, they all have the same script. So sad and ridiculous.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh I abandoned my husband too. 
I am also a terrible person and Christian.
I didn't live up to our vows....in sickness and health.
I only wanted him for his money.
And I always had commitment issues.
That's the short list.
I am also a terrible person and Christian.
I didn't live up to our vows....in sickness and health.
I only wanted him for his money.
And I always had commitment issues.
That's the short list.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm a terrible daughter. I'll never amount to anything because I don't have her wreaking havoc in my life. My kids will hate me for keeping them from her (they never ask). Alcoholic mothers do it, too. She abandoned me before I was even born. Just remember that. He abandoned you first when he chose the drink over his wife and kids.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Seems we need a new support group here for evil wenches and wenchos who abandoned their SOs, huh?
"Abandon" is used when you walk away from someone you are responsible for, someone weaker and unable to care for themself, like a dog or a child.
"Leave" is the word we use for someone who's totally capable of taking care of themselves but chooses not to.
"Abandon" is used when you walk away from someone you are responsible for, someone weaker and unable to care for themself, like a dog or a child.
"Leave" is the word we use for someone who's totally capable of taking care of themselves but chooses not to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
Mine felt abandoned as well, because I would no longer put up with his verbal abuse, rants, lying and cheating. He just doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions. You did what you had to for your children.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vent away!
My X did the same thing. Said I kicked him out and abandoned him. Still says it, just no one believes it. What he does not like to remember is HIS BEHAVIOR that lead to this. He may not like to remember that, but I will never forget.
Stay strong. XXX
My X did the same thing. Said I kicked him out and abandoned him. Still says it, just no one believes it. What he does not like to remember is HIS BEHAVIOR that lead to this. He may not like to remember that, but I will never forget.
Stay strong. XXX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s really just one more excuse for him to put on his shelf to use at any time he deems fit to drink. They collect them to use when they need to justify why they drink and drink to access.
Healthy people collect art, china, crystal, coins not alcoholics, they collect excuses. Alcoholics have no personal accountability to their drinking, so they fill shelves and closets with “done me wrongs”.
What we all need to believe is that we were never their “done me wrongs” and that their hurtful words no longer hurt us. That’s the place we strive to get to!!!!
Healthy people collect art, china, crystal, coins not alcoholics, they collect excuses. Alcoholics have no personal accountability to their drinking, so they fill shelves and closets with “done me wrongs”.
What we all need to believe is that we were never their “done me wrongs” and that their hurtful words no longer hurt us. That’s the place we strive to get to!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Dojang 
Mine felt abandoned as well, because I would no longer put up with his verbal abuse, rants, lying and cheating. He just doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions. You did what you had to for your children.
PS: we are currently planning on splitting up soon and I was NOT in a supportive mood at that moment, LOL. The whining and crying about how nobody loves him and everybody abandoned him; his family, his boss left him high and dry on a project, his kid doesn't respect him, his wife won't interact with him......quack quack quack. I just sat there. There was nothing to say until I broke and said what I said above.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i remember going to visit my best friend when he was in the hospital, actually the psych ward, because he had attempted suicide the night before and i intervened by calling 911.
did i get a THANK YOU for saving my life? THANK YOU for caring enough to call the cops TWICE when they didn't do anything on the first visit to his apartment (well, ma'am, looking thru the window he appears to be sleeping on the couch. NO, you bleeping idiots, he just took a bottle of SLEEPING PILLS....)?
nope. he glared at me and would not speak to me. now mind you, i didn't know that him strapped to bed under the sheet, but still.......in his mind, it was all MY fault.
sigh.
did i get a THANK YOU for saving my life? THANK YOU for caring enough to call the cops TWICE when they didn't do anything on the first visit to his apartment (well, ma'am, looking thru the window he appears to be sleeping on the couch. NO, you bleeping idiots, he just took a bottle of SLEEPING PILLS....)?
nope. he glared at me and would not speak to me. now mind you, i didn't know that him strapped to bed under the sheet, but still.......in his mind, it was all MY fault.
sigh.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"It's so ridiculous! No- he's not worrying about how I'm doing, or how the girls are doing, or how we're "feeling" or "where we're at"......it's all about HIM and how he FEELS. I am so angry!"
I know!! MY AH has the same lines. Somehow he thinks that if I would just "get" how he's feeling, and "understand" all that he's been through, that my lightbulb would go off and I would say, "OHHHH, ok hunny, yeah, I understand you had a hard childhood, and I understand you're stressed because of the kids and your job, and we don't have as much intimate time as we used to now that we have kids...... so yeah, I totally get it. Go ahead and drink all day and contribute nothing to the household and yell and scream at me and break things in your rages and never fix them. It's okay now that I understand where you're coming from."
We can only be supportive and understanding for so long.
You did not "abandon" him. You have done what you had to to take care of yourself and your children.
I know!! MY AH has the same lines. Somehow he thinks that if I would just "get" how he's feeling, and "understand" all that he's been through, that my lightbulb would go off and I would say, "OHHHH, ok hunny, yeah, I understand you had a hard childhood, and I understand you're stressed because of the kids and your job, and we don't have as much intimate time as we used to now that we have kids...... so yeah, I totally get it. Go ahead and drink all day and contribute nothing to the household and yell and scream at me and break things in your rages and never fix them. It's okay now that I understand where you're coming from."
We can only be supportive and understanding for so long.
You did not "abandon" him. You have done what you had to to take care of yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yes - everyone and everything is to blame. Certainly not themselves, their choices, or their beloved drink. It is infuriating. Then, once we've detached and worked on ourselves, it just becomes a sad, sad situation that we want no part of.
Hang in there. You're on the right path - and YOU KNOW there is nothing you could have done, or can do to fix this for him or to help him "see." I hope he can do it one day. CHEERS to you on your new life free of all that mess.
Hang in there. You're on the right path - and YOU KNOW there is nothing you could have done, or can do to fix this for him or to help him "see." I hope he can do it one day. CHEERS to you on your new life free of all that mess.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by sunny09
I hardly post, but read here constantly. This last phone call with my AH has me so livid, so PISSED off, I can't get it out of my mind.
It's coming up on a year ago that he had a seizure in the hallway on a Saturday morning, in front of our 6 & 9 year old girls, and I all of a sudden realized that he'd been lying about EVERYTHING. He'd been claiming that he was "in recovery", going to meetings, etc. I'm still struggling with how I somehow lived with him as wasted as he was and it still didn't register that he was lying and drinking constantly. I feel like I was some kind of prisoner and in such a CRAZY place of denial? fear? I don't know what that was- but it continues to truly haunt me, that he could lie like that and be so out of control and I was so passive.
After the seizure, I finally "snapped out of it". That was it for me. I said he could not come home after detox. He did inpatient and then went to live with family, and has not come home since. Almost a year. I initiated divorce and we are almost through it. He didn't even put up a fight.
So now he tells me that he wants me to understand "where he's at" and "how he's feeling"...that he feels "abandoned" by me....that he can't stop thinking about how I left him at inpatient treatment with "$40 and my i.d." Was I supposed to send him off with his credit card after just learning that all our financial stress was caused by him drinking bottles of vodka everyday, all day, at work, in the car, while driving? Exactly HOW MUCH was I supposed to put up with? How bad does it have to get before I'm "allowed" to say "that's it - I'm out!"?
HE feels abandoned??? I abandoned HIM??? When he first said it, it just broke my heart. I thought I couldn't feel any sadder. But since then, I'm starting to feel more like WHAT THE F????!!! It's so ridiculous! No- he's not worrying about how I'm doing, or how the girls are doing, or how we're "feeling" or "where we're at"......it's all about HIM and how he FEELS. I am so angry!
I assume this means that any relapses or the continued difficulty he's having finding/keeping a job are due to him feeling "abandoned" by me.
I feel that I could rant forever.
It's coming up on a year ago that he had a seizure in the hallway on a Saturday morning, in front of our 6 & 9 year old girls, and I all of a sudden realized that he'd been lying about EVERYTHING. He'd been claiming that he was "in recovery", going to meetings, etc. I'm still struggling with how I somehow lived with him as wasted as he was and it still didn't register that he was lying and drinking constantly. I feel like I was some kind of prisoner and in such a CRAZY place of denial? fear? I don't know what that was- but it continues to truly haunt me, that he could lie like that and be so out of control and I was so passive.
After the seizure, I finally "snapped out of it". That was it for me. I said he could not come home after detox. He did inpatient and then went to live with family, and has not come home since. Almost a year. I initiated divorce and we are almost through it. He didn't even put up a fight.
So now he tells me that he wants me to understand "where he's at" and "how he's feeling"...that he feels "abandoned" by me....that he can't stop thinking about how I left him at inpatient treatment with "$40 and my i.d." Was I supposed to send him off with his credit card after just learning that all our financial stress was caused by him drinking bottles of vodka everyday, all day, at work, in the car, while driving? Exactly HOW MUCH was I supposed to put up with? How bad does it have to get before I'm "allowed" to say "that's it - I'm out!"?
HE feels abandoned??? I abandoned HIM??? When he first said it, it just broke my heart. I thought I couldn't feel any sadder. But since then, I'm starting to feel more like WHAT THE F????!!! It's so ridiculous! No- he's not worrying about how I'm doing, or how the girls are doing, or how we're "feeling" or "where we're at"......it's all about HIM and how he FEELS. I am so angry!
I assume this means that any relapses or the continued difficulty he's having finding/keeping a job are due to him feeling "abandoned" by me.
I feel that I could rant forever.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Do any of you ever get this? Where he basically tell you things about yourself (untrue things)and its upsetting so you start defending yourself and he says : see this is why I cant talk to you , you cant talk calmly you just have to get all emotional and raise your voice or even if I dont raise my voice then its just my attitude that the tone of my voice is all angry and he just cannot talk to me when I am like this .
Sunny09 they know us well enough to know what to say to push those buttons
Sunny09 they know us well enough to know what to say to push those buttons
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by unease7
I know exactly how you feel, husband once told me our daughters getting an attitude with him was my fault because I disrespect him infront of the girls! NO you do that all by yourself when you drink from a vodka bottle infront of them! his most recent BOO HOO poor me craziness is that he doesnt feel important to me and that he is last on my list!WTF?! So now Im suppose to feel guilty for not being a very good wife?? seriously ? If thats how he feels then go find another wife!! Trust me the level of stupidity and selfishness unfortunatley will never stop surprising you.
My AH came to lay down with me on the bed, just as the babies were almost asleep, and got upset because they were on the bed, and started yelling about what a "horrible woman" I am for not making him my priority, when all he wants is just to be with me.
I tell him "I was just about to put them down if you can be quiet please they will fall asleep and we can lay together."
He says: "Oh, so now I have to be the one to do something in order to be able to be with my wife?! I have to be the one to make changes, when I have been telling you over and over that I'm unhappy and you do nothing about it?!"
SUCH selfishness is amazing
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
