brokenwon

Let me start by saying that I've just found this wonderful site and have spent all afternoon trying to read as much as I can, so excuse me if this question has been asked. But while I continue to do so, I wondered if any of you have brought your addict / abuser back in to the home?

My son is 27 years old. As far as I know, he drinks and smokes pot ( daily ). Works a full time job, but the wages are hourly and sporadic, making it difficult to make ends meet. Until this month, he has been apartment sharing. Now he will be branching out on his own and I'm sure won't be able to make it with what he makes. At this age, most of his friends have grown up, moved on, or are in a relationship and it's difficult to find "room mates".

My fear, each year when his lease is up, is that he will ask to come back home ( so far he only bates me, but never flat out asks ) Long story short, while he was abusing in highschool, he stole from us and we had our home broken into by the losers he was associating with.

I have been around alcoholics my whole life and after divorcing my alcoholic husband, and at almost 60 years old and with much therapy, am finally learning about codependency and boundaries. I know no one can tell someone else what to do, but my codependent tendencies are flaring up again and I can't help but ask those that have lived through this already, for their advice or experiences. I'm torn between letting him back home until he can get on his feet, and protecting myself and this haven I've built from dealing and living with a substance abuser again.

Thanks in advance for any input! I'll keep reading!

changeneeded

I don't have advice; if I did, I would know what to do in my situation. I just want to say: "welcome" you will learn so much here, in our little community. There are people in all stages of their Co-dependent lives.

Hang on, it's the weekend, Sunday night. People will be checking in either later tonight or tommorrow morning.

Thanks for joining, every time somebody joins or comes out of lurkdom, it only means we have that much more knowledge. ..... We all have something to offer.

Hugs,,

honeypig

Hi, brokenwon, and welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you're looking for here.

Reading as much as you can here is a great place to start. I'm sure you'll see yourself in many of the stories; you are NOT alone. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. This thread is an example of what's up there and you may find it helpful right now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You also may find some help in this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html

These sections of the forum may be useful for you too, since you state you've been around A's your whole life and that your son uses drugs in addition to drinking:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Have you checked out Alanon yet? It's a great resource and the face-to-face support is something that SR simply cannot offer. The combo of Alanon and SR has worked very well for me.

Again, welcome to SR. Your path will gradually become clearer, and I wish you strength and clarity as you follow it.

brokenwon

Thank you both so much for your input and links CN and HP! I am reading as much as I can, as fast as I can, sponge-like!

Yes, I have been aggressively encouraged to join Al-Anon by my therapist, as I "will find they speak the same language" as I do. Unfortunately, I've yet been able to force myself to participate in any face to face groups as I've also been struggling with social anxiety brought on by the life events I've endured over the past 4 years....this issue with my son, among one of them....

Being at such a crossroads in my own life, and trying to figure out the best move with him and I simultaneously, is affecting both my physical and mental health now...and I've had to become what feels "selfish" to a codependent, in order to preserve my sanity. When one discovers that their whole family was held together by dysfunction, and falls apart at the same time, it's almost too much to bear. Once I began to change these relationships by setting and enforcing boundaries and becoming emotionally healthier and stronger, most of my family abandoned the relationship. Actually...they weren't reciprocal to begin with...I just didn't see it until I quit giving and holding them together...but that's another story for another support group!

I will continue to read, reach out for support and hope to gain knowledge and insight as I travel down this winding, bumpy road of addiction. I've lived it with it from the day I was born, but am just now learning how it's affected my life so profoundly.

Blessings to all!

honeypig

brokenwon, it sounds like you're working your recovery hard, and it will pay off. Please keep on coming back here to read and post.

Regarding your issues w/anxiety and a f2f group--there are any number of threads here from people who resisted going to Alanon for various reasons. I also like this article on another site: But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!

Clearly, only you can decide when you're ready for Alanon. However, while the anxiety may be something that keeps you from going, I'd suggest that the act of going might be a great step towards blowing that anxiety out of the water. Seeing that there is nothing to fear, at least from this particular group of people, might help you move forward.

Hope your day is both productive and peaceful!

dandylion

brokenwon.....I have been in the situation to let my oldest son (who was drinking at the time) to bounce back to our home on more that one occasion ("just to get on his feet").
I can tell you it was absolute disaster every time----worse for me than for him!!

That was before I knew what I know, now....LOL!!

My kids now know that living at home is never an option. Visit..yes...otherwise, no.

I have to make it well known to them that I will never...NEVER...allow their problems (any drinking) enter my home, again. I have been very open with them about how I feel. They know that it is a boundary that I will absolutely enforce. They know that a shelter and food bank is available if they were to become homeless.

I have apologized to him for the enabling that I (unwittingly) did. He lives and works in another state, now. He is not drinking. Almost 2 years of recovery with a couple of relapses under his belt. We talk on the phone a lot--we have always been very close.

I don't suggest that you let him move back in---if you value your sanity and peace of mind.

Do not let "mother guilt" influence you.

dandylion

brokenwon

What wonderful support and advice...and I'm feeling much stronger and less alone already Today, I celebrate another birthday...and in finding this site, may have just received the best gift I've gotten in years...