Heard from my father
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Heard from my father
I haven't had any contact with my father or stepmother since June 30th. Not once have they tried to contact me - no email, text, phone call, card - nothing. I was recovering from my broken heart and shoulder surgery.
When all blew up in my face this past Monday, and xabf had copied my stepmother in on his email to me - and I learned the following day that my parents had been in touch with xabf and his parents - I sent an email to my parents saying "You had no right to do what you did. You outright betrayed me."
Last night, I got an email from my father asking, simply "How so?"
I wrote back this morning that I had no time, patience or interest in going back and forth with him about it - that they had completely violated my trust and I was not interested in listening to them try to justify their reasons for doing so.
About an hour later, I received an email from him... 6 paragraphs "justifying" his reasons for getting involved in my business - behind my back. He claims it was his "obligation as a parent" to do what he did... out of "concern" for me (how "concerned" could he possibly have been when he had no contact with me whatsoever?).
He closed the email by ending his relationship with me.
When all blew up in my face this past Monday, and xabf had copied my stepmother in on his email to me - and I learned the following day that my parents had been in touch with xabf and his parents - I sent an email to my parents saying "You had no right to do what you did. You outright betrayed me."
Last night, I got an email from my father asking, simply "How so?"
I wrote back this morning that I had no time, patience or interest in going back and forth with him about it - that they had completely violated my trust and I was not interested in listening to them try to justify their reasons for doing so.
About an hour later, I received an email from him... 6 paragraphs "justifying" his reasons for getting involved in my business - behind my back. He claims it was his "obligation as a parent" to do what he did... out of "concern" for me (how "concerned" could he possibly have been when he had no contact with me whatsoever?).
He closed the email by ending his relationship with me.
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I'm sorry. I can imagine that sort of betrayal must cut deep to your core. Just please know that they were wrong -- you were absolutely right that being in contact with your xabf and not you was the wrong thing of parents to do.
And let me also say this: Parenting is forever. There is something fundamentally wrong with a parent who can end his relationship with his child. You don't get to do that.
What support do you have in your life? Because this sounds like it could feel like a crisis to me.
And let me also say this: Parenting is forever. There is something fundamentally wrong with a parent who can end his relationship with his child. You don't get to do that.
What support do you have in your life? Because this sounds like it could feel like a crisis to me.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Broken I feel for you. I really do. I am LIVID for you and just have to say HOW DARE THEY !! ALL of them!!! But this last most recent betrayal with absolutely NO sane justification may be what you truly need to move on with only healthy, mutual relationships and erase the toxic ones from your life. Easier said than done but very doable. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
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Sadly, this is what my father does when someone disagrees with how he handled something. This is not the first time he has shut the door on me, or my brother and sister.
Currently, my father isn't speaking to my brother, either. Back in June, my xabf had forwarded an email I sent him to my father - my father then forwarded that email to my brother and sister. My brother emailed my father back with one sentence, to the effect of - I am deleting this email and am going to pretend I didn't see it - forwarding this to me was inappropriate. My brother told me that my father replied back to him with paragraph after paragraph justifying his reasons for forwarding the email, closing with "end of discussion" - and my brother hasn't heard from him since.
This would be a crisis for me if it was the first time I'd been through it... but, unfortunately, it's not. It definitely hurts, though. There is a very good reason why I didn't reach out to my parents during my breakup - and don't when anything good/bad happens in my life, for that matter. I've learned not to.
As for my support - I have my siblings (to an extent - as I try not to put too much of this on them), my friends, my therapist, my church and my recovery group. And a strong resolve - to not let their madness, unhappiness, and unhealthiness affect my life. I can only change me.
Currently, my father isn't speaking to my brother, either. Back in June, my xabf had forwarded an email I sent him to my father - my father then forwarded that email to my brother and sister. My brother emailed my father back with one sentence, to the effect of - I am deleting this email and am going to pretend I didn't see it - forwarding this to me was inappropriate. My brother told me that my father replied back to him with paragraph after paragraph justifying his reasons for forwarding the email, closing with "end of discussion" - and my brother hasn't heard from him since.
This would be a crisis for me if it was the first time I'd been through it... but, unfortunately, it's not. It definitely hurts, though. There is a very good reason why I didn't reach out to my parents during my breakup - and don't when anything good/bad happens in my life, for that matter. I've learned not to.
As for my support - I have my siblings (to an extent - as I try not to put too much of this on them), my friends, my therapist, my church and my recovery group. And a strong resolve - to not let their madness, unhappiness, and unhealthiness affect my life. I can only change me.
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Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces 
As for my support - I have my siblings (to an extent - as I try not to put too much of this on them), my friends, my therapist, my church and my recovery group. And a strong resolve - to not let their madness, unhappiness, and unhealthiness affect my life. I can only change me.
I'm glad you have support. What your dad did is not ok. I know you know that, but it can't be said often enough. It's selfish, cruel, manipulative behavior. And it, quite frankly, angers me when I think of people, that are not as self aware as you, suffering at the hands of stupid selfish parents. I can't imagine anything that could hurt worse. It sickens me. Give your siblings, your friends, your therapist, your church, and your recovery group a big hug from me. They deserve one for helping you deal with this BS. And give yourself one as well. ((((hugs))))
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My dad's family does this as well. "Shuns" people who upset them. I haven't spoken to any of them since I was 19 or 20. They cut me off because I confronted my dad about stealing my college fund.
They have never met my children, never seen photos of them even, have no idea what I've done with my life (this all happened well before the era of Facebook, etc).
So sorry you're dealing with this. It is a terrible feeling.
They have never met my children, never seen photos of them even, have no idea what I've done with my life (this all happened well before the era of Facebook, etc).
So sorry you're dealing with this. It is a terrible feeling.
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