Did i imagine the whole thing??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Did i imagine the whole thing??
I have had heaps of time away from the ex.. On my own I've discovered I suffer from depression.. Did I imagine everything that happened between ex a and I and was most of it my fault.. Maybe I did over react because I am depressed??????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
KI- If I remember correctly your EX put you though some mentally draining things. Didn't he cheat on you more times than Tiger Woods did along with Alcohol?
Heck I couldn't handle one episode of that type of betrayal but you went through it over and over again.
I got this book and I've going through it again the second time is better than the first.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
I highly recommend it along with Co Dependence No More.
Heck I couldn't handle one episode of that type of betrayal but you went through it over and over again.
I got this book and I've going through it again the second time is better than the first.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
I highly recommend it along with Co Dependence No More.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Or -- did you become depressed because the person you thought loved you was drunk all the time and cheated on you?
Any time the SO of an A says "Did I overreact?" I want to say "No." Even if I don't know the circumstances.
Any time the SO of an A says "Did I overreact?" I want to say "No." Even if I don't know the circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
I've found that our minds have a way of healing, that will sometimes diminish the bad and painful times. If it didn't, no woman would probably ever go through childbirth more than once!
When my ABF of 23 years got cancer, I had to get right with myself and keep things in perspective. He was a musician and singer in a couple of bands that did a lot of cover songs (during our "good" years), often better than the originals. I knew I was going to face a lifetime of either never listening to the radio again, or crying all the time if I didn't keep the reality of the situation close at hand. I had to be brutally honest about what the true reality of what life was really like with him.
I was depressed and lacked self care through a lot of our relationship. There is nothing I could have done to "save" him.
Hang in there and take care of you. Keep coming here. It helped me, and you are in good, supportive company within this wonderful group of caring and experienced people.
When my ABF of 23 years got cancer, I had to get right with myself and keep things in perspective. He was a musician and singer in a couple of bands that did a lot of cover songs (during our "good" years), often better than the originals. I knew I was going to face a lifetime of either never listening to the radio again, or crying all the time if I didn't keep the reality of the situation close at hand. I had to be brutally honest about what the true reality of what life was really like with him.
I was depressed and lacked self care through a lot of our relationship. There is nothing I could have done to "save" him.
Hang in there and take care of you. Keep coming here. It helped me, and you are in good, supportive company within this wonderful group of caring and experienced people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Killerinstinct, I think many of us, myself included, who have been in terribly abusive relationships have times of thinking that we must have been the cause.
It is part of being abused to begin to believe your abuser and see life through their lens. They HAVE to be perfect, blameless, in order to justify what they are doing; they have to project the cause of their bad behavior onto someone else or they would have to own it. And they don't want to. They want to do whatever it is they want to do.
I read somewhere here on SR that after trauma, a hormone like pitocin is secreted in the abused person, and like it does during childbirth, it blocks the memories of the pain. So there is a chemical basis for the "forgetting" we sometimes do of what our partner did, and how much it hurt.
It is like hanging a ball in front of you that is half red and half blue, but suspending it so that you can only see one color at a time. Our memories sometimes just reveal part of what the whole is. If you twirl that ball around, you will see that it is two colors, not one. That is the truth, even though it may be momentarily obscured.
For me, these feelings come around in waves, in cycles, each time less powerful. Each cycle I feel less self-doubt and am more rooted in the truth of what happened to me, and in the truth of who I am becoming despite that past pain.
I've been gone over two years now from my 20 year marriage to a narcissistic alcoholic porn addicted powerful and charismatic man. Out of the blue, he just sent me an e-mail that said "we need to talk. You were psychotic and you blamed me for all the stuff you said I did, but really you projected onto me what your father did to abuse you. I didn't do anything bad to you. Our divorce is all your fault and you made a very bad mistake."
That is the bad news. That he is still in profound denial, blame shifting, unable to take any accountability for his actions.
The good news is that I know better, now to the roots of my soul, and I don't believe him. At all. He did what he did, and that is fact. I used to also fall into depression and despair and loneliness, missing him and believing I had been wrong, that I destroyed a good marriage with my depression. That was a mirage, part of the brainwashing that I allowed to happen to me, the brainwashing that kept me with him for 20 years until one day the outrageous insult and degradation of his charging $1500 on my credit card for porn woke me up.
You are awake now, and you deserve and will come to the honesty of understanding the truth of what happened to you. There, for me, is pain in understanding that I allowed myself to be bullied and abused, but I did. And owning that, and not projecting it back into the mindset of "he's right, I ruined something", allows me to own my own frailties and understand them and move beyond them. All of this is probably at the root of your depression more than you having caused your relationship to fail. It's just deeper, painful on its own, and needs to be acknowledged a bit at a time. Each piece of psychological work you do on this is a brick in the path to emotional health for you.
You are free now. It is a very big concept to assimilate, and be kind and every patient with yourself as you do. Whether or not you were depressed, you did not abuse yourself nor did you cause him to abuse you. Just the facts, M'am.
Extra big hugs today for you, and support always. PM me if you want to,
ShootingStar1
It is part of being abused to begin to believe your abuser and see life through their lens. They HAVE to be perfect, blameless, in order to justify what they are doing; they have to project the cause of their bad behavior onto someone else or they would have to own it. And they don't want to. They want to do whatever it is they want to do.
I read somewhere here on SR that after trauma, a hormone like pitocin is secreted in the abused person, and like it does during childbirth, it blocks the memories of the pain. So there is a chemical basis for the "forgetting" we sometimes do of what our partner did, and how much it hurt.
It is like hanging a ball in front of you that is half red and half blue, but suspending it so that you can only see one color at a time. Our memories sometimes just reveal part of what the whole is. If you twirl that ball around, you will see that it is two colors, not one. That is the truth, even though it may be momentarily obscured.
For me, these feelings come around in waves, in cycles, each time less powerful. Each cycle I feel less self-doubt and am more rooted in the truth of what happened to me, and in the truth of who I am becoming despite that past pain.
I've been gone over two years now from my 20 year marriage to a narcissistic alcoholic porn addicted powerful and charismatic man. Out of the blue, he just sent me an e-mail that said "we need to talk. You were psychotic and you blamed me for all the stuff you said I did, but really you projected onto me what your father did to abuse you. I didn't do anything bad to you. Our divorce is all your fault and you made a very bad mistake."
That is the bad news. That he is still in profound denial, blame shifting, unable to take any accountability for his actions.
The good news is that I know better, now to the roots of my soul, and I don't believe him. At all. He did what he did, and that is fact. I used to also fall into depression and despair and loneliness, missing him and believing I had been wrong, that I destroyed a good marriage with my depression. That was a mirage, part of the brainwashing that I allowed to happen to me, the brainwashing that kept me with him for 20 years until one day the outrageous insult and degradation of his charging $1500 on my credit card for porn woke me up.
You are awake now, and you deserve and will come to the honesty of understanding the truth of what happened to you. There, for me, is pain in understanding that I allowed myself to be bullied and abused, but I did. And owning that, and not projecting it back into the mindset of "he's right, I ruined something", allows me to own my own frailties and understand them and move beyond them. All of this is probably at the root of your depression more than you having caused your relationship to fail. It's just deeper, painful on its own, and needs to be acknowledged a bit at a time. Each piece of psychological work you do on this is a brick in the path to emotional health for you.
You are free now. It is a very big concept to assimilate, and be kind and every patient with yourself as you do. Whether or not you were depressed, you did not abuse yourself nor did you cause him to abuse you. Just the facts, M'am.
Extra big hugs today for you, and support always. PM me if you want to,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I saw my alcoholic partner of 14 years yesterday for the first time in 5 months. His appearance has changed drastically, and he now looks like a skid row bum.
I just got off the phone with him. He is staying at an RV park south of here a few miles. Would rather hang out with the dogs alone tonight than see me. Agreed to do breakfast in the morning.
I am afraid he will be dead within a year or two. I feel like I want to spend as much time with him as possible, drunk or sober.
I can't believe childbirth would hurt any worse than this!
I just got off the phone with him. He is staying at an RV park south of here a few miles. Would rather hang out with the dogs alone tonight than see me. Agreed to do breakfast in the morning.
I am afraid he will be dead within a year or two. I feel like I want to spend as much time with him as possible, drunk or sober.
I can't believe childbirth would hurt any worse than this!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Eauchiche -- look at it this way: It could have been worse. You could still have been with him. And then you would be in the RV park probably looking like he does.
Don't get sucked back in.
Don't get sucked back in.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
Killerinstinct, I think many of us, myself included, who have been in terribly abusive relationships have times of thinking that we must have been the cause.
It is part of being abused to begin to believe your abuser and see life through their lens. They HAVE to be perfect, blameless, in order to justify what they are doing; they have to project the cause of their bad behavior onto someone else or they would have to own it. And they don't want to. They want to do whatever it is they want to do.
I read somewhere here on SR that after trauma, a hormone like pitocin is secreted in the abused person, and like it does during childbirth, it blocks the memories of the pain. So there is a chemical basis for the "forgetting" we sometimes do of what our partner did, and how much it hurt.
It is like hanging a ball in front of you that is half red and half blue, but suspending it so that you can only see one color at a time. Our memories sometimes just reveal part of what the whole is. If you twirl that ball around, you will see that it is two colors, not one. That is the truth, even though it may be momentarily obscured.
For me, these feelings come around in waves, in cycles, each time less powerful. Each cycle I feel less self-doubt and am more rooted in the truth of what happened to me, and in the truth of who I am becoming despite that past pain.
I've been gone over two years now from my 20 year marriage to a narcissistic alcoholic porn addicted powerful and charismatic man. Out of the blue, he just sent me an e-mail that said "we need to talk. You were psychotic and you blamed me for all the stuff you said I did, but really you projected onto me what your father did to abuse you. I didn't do anything bad to you. Our divorce is all your fault and you made a very bad mistake."
That is the bad news. That he is still in profound denial, blame shifting, unable to take any accountability for his actions.
The good news is that I know better, now to the roots of my soul, and I don't believe him. At all. He did what he did, and that is fact. I used to also fall into depression and despair and loneliness, missing him and believing I had been wrong, that I destroyed a good marriage with my depression. That was a mirage, part of the brainwashing that I allowed to happen to me, the brainwashing that kept me with him for 20 years until one day the outrageous insult and degradation of his charging $1500 on my credit card for porn woke me up.
You are awake now, and you deserve and will come to the honesty of understanding the truth of what happened to you. There, for me, is pain in understanding that I allowed myself to be bullied and abused, but I did. And owning that, and not projecting it back into the mindset of "he's right, I ruined something", allows me to own my own frailties and understand them and move beyond them. All of this is probably at the root of your depression more than you having caused your relationship to fail. It's just deeper, painful on its own, and needs to be acknowledged a bit at a time. Each piece of psychological work you do on this is a brick in the path to emotional health for you.
You are free now. It is a very big concept to assimilate, and be kind and every patient with yourself as you do. Whether or not you were depressed, you did not abuse yourself nor did you cause him to abuse you. Just the facts, M'am.
Extra big hugs today for you, and support always. PM me if you want to,
ShootingStar1
It is part of being abused to begin to believe your abuser and see life through their lens. They HAVE to be perfect, blameless, in order to justify what they are doing; they have to project the cause of their bad behavior onto someone else or they would have to own it. And they don't want to. They want to do whatever it is they want to do.
I read somewhere here on SR that after trauma, a hormone like pitocin is secreted in the abused person, and like it does during childbirth, it blocks the memories of the pain. So there is a chemical basis for the "forgetting" we sometimes do of what our partner did, and how much it hurt.
It is like hanging a ball in front of you that is half red and half blue, but suspending it so that you can only see one color at a time. Our memories sometimes just reveal part of what the whole is. If you twirl that ball around, you will see that it is two colors, not one. That is the truth, even though it may be momentarily obscured.
For me, these feelings come around in waves, in cycles, each time less powerful. Each cycle I feel less self-doubt and am more rooted in the truth of what happened to me, and in the truth of who I am becoming despite that past pain.
I've been gone over two years now from my 20 year marriage to a narcissistic alcoholic porn addicted powerful and charismatic man. Out of the blue, he just sent me an e-mail that said "we need to talk. You were psychotic and you blamed me for all the stuff you said I did, but really you projected onto me what your father did to abuse you. I didn't do anything bad to you. Our divorce is all your fault and you made a very bad mistake."
That is the bad news. That he is still in profound denial, blame shifting, unable to take any accountability for his actions.
The good news is that I know better, now to the roots of my soul, and I don't believe him. At all. He did what he did, and that is fact. I used to also fall into depression and despair and loneliness, missing him and believing I had been wrong, that I destroyed a good marriage with my depression. That was a mirage, part of the brainwashing that I allowed to happen to me, the brainwashing that kept me with him for 20 years until one day the outrageous insult and degradation of his charging $1500 on my credit card for porn woke me up.
You are awake now, and you deserve and will come to the honesty of understanding the truth of what happened to you. There, for me, is pain in understanding that I allowed myself to be bullied and abused, but I did. And owning that, and not projecting it back into the mindset of "he's right, I ruined something", allows me to own my own frailties and understand them and move beyond them. All of this is probably at the root of your depression more than you having caused your relationship to fail. It's just deeper, painful on its own, and needs to be acknowledged a bit at a time. Each piece of psychological work you do on this is a brick in the path to emotional health for you.
You are free now. It is a very big concept to assimilate, and be kind and every patient with yourself as you do. Whether or not you were depressed, you did not abuse yourself nor did you cause him to abuse you. Just the facts, M'am.
Extra big hugs today for you, and support always. PM me if you want to,
ShootingStar1
it is helping me with not reaching out to my XA boyfriend.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
