I lost it
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I lost it
I called STXAH to ask about the divorce papers and I lost it. I filed back in March.
I said some horrible embarrassing things and then had to back track and apologize b/c I knew what I was saying was wrong but I couldn't help it.
He acted like a mature adult and I was a maniac.
I should of never contacted him and kept NC but I was wallowing in self pity and wanted an end to this nightmare of a marriage. I am so ashamed
Looking back I can see some narc characteristic on my part ouch. One minute I wanted answers the next I was ripping into him.
I'm tired of carrying this load and not having a final ending.
I said some horrible embarrassing things and then had to back track and apologize b/c I knew what I was saying was wrong but I couldn't help it.
He acted like a mature adult and I was a maniac.
I should of never contacted him and kept NC but I was wallowing in self pity and wanted an end to this nightmare of a marriage. I am so ashamed
Looking back I can see some narc characteristic on my part ouch. One minute I wanted answers the next I was ripping into him.
I'm tired of carrying this load and not having a final ending.
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I know that feeling, when they are calm in the face of a storm... and that storm is you. Do you ever find that the calmer they are, the more ramped up you get? That happens to me sometimes.
What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up over it. Instead of crawling in a hole, crawl into bed, get a good night's sleep and know that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up over it. Instead of crawling in a hole, crawl into bed, get a good night's sleep and know that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
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Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces 
I know that feeling, when they are calm in the face of a storm... and that storm is you. Do you ever find that the calmer they are, the more ramped up you get? That happens to me sometimes.
What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up over it. Instead of crawling in a hole, crawl into bed, get a good night's sleep and know that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up over it. Instead of crawling in a hole, crawl into bed, get a good night's sleep and know that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
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Morning everyone- Well I get a call from AH and he is asking me how I am doing etc?
I talk to him because I still feel bad and think maybe he is going to tell me he is going to discuss the divorce or need info for the paper work like ss# etc.. He doesn't have this information, heck he doesn't even know my phone number by heart... but nope he is just calling to shoot the breeze. arghhhhhhh
I talk to him because I still feel bad and think maybe he is going to tell me he is going to discuss the divorce or need info for the paper work like ss# etc.. He doesn't have this information, heck he doesn't even know my phone number by heart... but nope he is just calling to shoot the breeze. arghhhhhhh
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Oh jeez. Shoot the breeze...gawd. People are just so out in left field sometimes.
Well - that is a sign that you can free yourself from any lingering guilt about the moment yesterday! He is apparently over it too.
We've all been there. I almost never spoke but had one episode where I was screeching into the phone like that. It was almost an identical experience. It is etched into my brain. We are only human. We can only take so much stress before there are little cracks. It is OK - patch yourself up and you are as good as new only a little bit stronger in that spot now.
Well - that is a sign that you can free yourself from any lingering guilt about the moment yesterday! He is apparently over it too.
We've all been there. I almost never spoke but had one episode where I was screeching into the phone like that. It was almost an identical experience. It is etched into my brain. We are only human. We can only take so much stress before there are little cracks. It is OK - patch yourself up and you are as good as new only a little bit stronger in that spot now.
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I can tell you that if I hadn't had a restraining order against AXH during the divorce (which also meant I was not allowed to contact him or it could be construed as me "baiting" him to break the RO), I would totally have lost it, too.
The process of divorce was hands down the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. And I include 20 years of marriage to an abusive alcoholic in that. Not that the divorce wasn't worth it -- heck, it was worth every penny (even though I'm still paying it off, four years later, and will be for another 2 years or so). But it was hard.
In retrospect, I think part of why it's so hard is that... as long as you're living with and married to an A, you somewhat have all those unhealthy protective coping strategies in place. You tell yourself "I'm exaggerating" and "I'm strong enough to handle this" and "he's not really godawful all the time" and you sort of hide behind a wall of COPE.
Once you've left -- you can't lie to yourself anymore. You get honest with yourself about how horrid it actually was. And then? Well, then every second you still have to be legally tied to him is pure torture.
I pushed my lawyer to the point where I thought he was going to quit. When my divorce was final, he said it was the fastest ugly divorce he had ever handled. When it came time to deal with challenging custody, he "was on vacation" and couldn't take my case. I got a better lawyer out of it. But that's how much I pushed -- he didn't want to represent me in another matter.
So I'm saying all this to tell you -- you're not nuts. What you're going through is really, really difficult. And, as Willie Nelson so elaborately put it: "You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it." You will get through it. You will get out the other side. And you will think it was worth it all. Promise.
The process of divorce was hands down the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. And I include 20 years of marriage to an abusive alcoholic in that. Not that the divorce wasn't worth it -- heck, it was worth every penny (even though I'm still paying it off, four years later, and will be for another 2 years or so). But it was hard.
In retrospect, I think part of why it's so hard is that... as long as you're living with and married to an A, you somewhat have all those unhealthy protective coping strategies in place. You tell yourself "I'm exaggerating" and "I'm strong enough to handle this" and "he's not really godawful all the time" and you sort of hide behind a wall of COPE.
Once you've left -- you can't lie to yourself anymore. You get honest with yourself about how horrid it actually was. And then? Well, then every second you still have to be legally tied to him is pure torture.
I pushed my lawyer to the point where I thought he was going to quit. When my divorce was final, he said it was the fastest ugly divorce he had ever handled. When it came time to deal with challenging custody, he "was on vacation" and couldn't take my case. I got a better lawyer out of it. But that's how much I pushed -- he didn't want to represent me in another matter.
So I'm saying all this to tell you -- you're not nuts. What you're going through is really, really difficult. And, as Willie Nelson so elaborately put it: "You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it." You will get through it. You will get out the other side. And you will think it was worth it all. Promise.
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I lost it on ah in the car. Crying, screaming, it was bad. Thank God I wasn't driving. All of those pent up emotions came out full force. It was nasty. I'm still ashamed. But i think it helped ah to understand maybe a bit of the effects all this had on me. It taught me that I need to start managing my emotions in a healthier way - not that I have figured that part out, but it gave me the push to start.
Hugs. Turns out we're all human after all
Hugs. Turns out we're all human after all
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I can tell you that if I hadn't had a restraining order against AXH during the divorce (which also meant I was not allowed to contact him or it could be construed as me "baiting" him to break the RO), I would totally have lost it, too.
The process of divorce was hands down the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. And I include 20 years of marriage to an abusive alcoholic in that. Not that the divorce wasn't worth it -- heck, it was worth every penny (even though I'm still paying it off, four years later, and will be for another 2 years or so). But it was hard.
In retrospect, I think part of why it's so hard is that... as long as you're living with and married to an A, you somewhat have all those unhealthy protective coping strategies in place. You tell yourself "I'm exaggerating" and "I'm strong enough to handle this" and "he's not really godawful all the time" and you sort of hide behind a wall of COPE.
Once you've left -- you can't lie to yourself anymore. You get honest with yourself about how horrid it actually was. And then? Well, then every second you still have to be legally tied to him is pure torture.
I pushed my lawyer to the point where I thought he was going to quit. When my divorce was final, he said it was the fastest ugly divorce he had ever handled. When it came time to deal with challenging custody, he "was on vacation" and couldn't take my case. I got a better lawyer out of it. But that's how much I pushed -- he didn't want to represent me in another matter.
So I'm saying all this to tell you -- you're not nuts. What you're going through is really, really difficult. And, as Willie Nelson so elaborately put it: "You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it." You will get through it. You will get out the other side. And you will think it was worth it all. Promise.
The process of divorce was hands down the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. And I include 20 years of marriage to an abusive alcoholic in that. Not that the divorce wasn't worth it -- heck, it was worth every penny (even though I'm still paying it off, four years later, and will be for another 2 years or so). But it was hard.
In retrospect, I think part of why it's so hard is that... as long as you're living with and married to an A, you somewhat have all those unhealthy protective coping strategies in place. You tell yourself "I'm exaggerating" and "I'm strong enough to handle this" and "he's not really godawful all the time" and you sort of hide behind a wall of COPE.
Once you've left -- you can't lie to yourself anymore. You get honest with yourself about how horrid it actually was. And then? Well, then every second you still have to be legally tied to him is pure torture.
I pushed my lawyer to the point where I thought he was going to quit. When my divorce was final, he said it was the fastest ugly divorce he had ever handled. When it came time to deal with challenging custody, he "was on vacation" and couldn't take my case. I got a better lawyer out of it. But that's how much I pushed -- he didn't want to represent me in another matter.
So I'm saying all this to tell you -- you're not nuts. What you're going through is really, really difficult. And, as Willie Nelson so elaborately put it: "You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it." You will get through it. You will get out the other side. And you will think it was worth it all. Promise.
In retrospect, I think part of why it's so hard is that... as long as you're living with and married to an A, you somewhat have all those unhealthy protective coping strategies in place. You tell yourself "I'm exaggerating" and "I'm strong enough to handle this" and "he's not really godawful all the time" and you sort of hide behind a wall of COPE.
I can understand this completely. When I tell my closest friends about him they all are amazed I stayed so long. I didn't even realize I had gotten so use to dysfunction.
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I don't understand why you feel bad about your outburst. If you filed back in March and he's hasn't signed or done his part than I would expect you to tear him a new one. Maybe I read your post wrong but it seems like playing nice has done nothing to move things forward. A little verbal ass kicking is what he deserves. At least you got his attention.
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Originally Posted by ghostdad
I don't understand why you feel bad about your outburst. If you filed back in March and he's hasn't signed or done his part than I would expect you to tear him a new one. Maybe I read your post wrong but it seems like playing nice has done nothing to move things forward. A little verbal ass kicking is what he deserves. At least you got his attention.
Ha Ha. so true
I have been trying my best to go NC so I can rebuild myself. I had lost myself in this toxic unhealthy relationship and since I had no respect for him anymore it is so easy for me to talk to him with no respect either.
Being nice was for my own sake and not him. I feel better today and not looking back, if he remembers me as crazy woman I don't care.
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So He was suppose to complete his side of the divorce paperwork on Friday. I forced myself to call him to find out if he did.
Do you think he actually went through with what he said???
Nope shocker. He said sorry he didn't get a chance. sigh
Do you think he actually went through with what he said???
Nope shocker. He said sorry he didn't get a chance. sigh
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