KidsR#1

I have been thinking about this alot today. Since starting my recovery I have often heard the term "keeping my side of the street clean" and some similar sayings as well. What does this exactly mean to others? To me, it means taking care of myself and the things that I am responsible for in my home, relationships, finances, etc.

However, last night I was talking with my mom and dad about some house stuff and she told me my AH should take care of it. We were talking about cleaning the gutters. I was trying to find a way to do it myself, since my AH does not live here right now and he has NEVER cleaned the gutters, always got someone else to do it for him. I don't want to pay someone to do something that I may be able to do myself to save $ and fill up free time when the kids are at school.

One thing that they and my MIL/FIL have often thought is wrong in my marriage is that I take care of alot of the household stuff, like painting, fixing holes, replacing screens, door knobs, gardening or any small tasks that are pretty easy to do. The only thing I refuse to do is mow the lawn. I was always proud that I could do all this stuff and not have to rely on my AH to do it. It's been that way since we first lived together after college (17 yrs ago.)

By me doing all this was I not "staying on my side of the street" and adding to our dysfunctional relationship? Is it something that we need to re-balance in the future if he moves back home.

ladyscribbler

I used to pick up a lot of slack for my axb when we lived together, including cleaning up after him. That is where you get into enabling. When he made a mess and I cleaned it up or when I took care of something he should have been doing himself.
Gutter cleaning really is not difficult. If you're OK with tackling that, go for it. Take the cash you save and do something nice to reward yourself.
It can be hard to separate things like household chores when you have a life together with an active alcoholic. It is usually a million times easier to just take care of things yourself, especially if you get a lot of passive aggressive pushback about the alcoholic having to do things. I think I just got used to picking up the slack (and there was a LOT of slack) in order to keep the peace.
Basic household chores can and should be redefined if your husband moves back in, especially if you have been doing more than your share. Just don't expect him to transform into Bob Vila because he quit drinking. If he has never been a handy kind of guy, that probably will not change much with his sobriety.

CodeJob

If you have a one story, I'd definitely haul my self up the ladder with my hose and get to work! Secondly I'd have someone around just keeping an eye on you just as a safety measure.

As to chore division, I'm with Lady scribbler.

FeelingGreat

Hi Kids, the type of jobs you take on are not as important as whether the division of labour in a marriage is reasonably fair. If you're doing all the housework, and the maintenance and your AH's only contribution is the lawn, then it's not terribly fair. My son isn't great at yard jobs but is happy to do the cooking while his wife loves painting, so they've come to reasonable compromise on who does what.
I'm single and do a lot of handyman jobs myself, including the gutters, so that alone wouldn't bother me, much as I'd love someone to do it for me. What I've never done in wait on a man just because he's male and I'm female.

jarp

I think what keeping your side of the street clean means looking after yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally. It's knowing your own values and having the integrity to act in accordance with these values. It's not being a busy body and involving yourself in other people's business...no matter who they are!

I think that examine what YOU want to do and acting in accordance wi that is keeping your side of the street clean. I actually thinking that an example of not doing this is to let your IL's influence you into not doing something that you are happy doing and are proud of.

I'm not suggesting AH if he moves in gets to not do his fair share....but I don't think we have to subscribe to an allocation of task based on gender.

KidsR#1

Maybe I should have included that I am a SAHM and run a day care out of my home, so unfortunately if AH doesn't do something that he should (like clean up after himself, take the garbage out) then I need to do it before the parents arrive to drop off the kids as it can have an impact on our day.

He is not handy at all!!! One day I gave him the job of changing the hinge on our screen door, which meant just pulling out the pins on both sides and replacing the hinge and putting the pins back in. His mom and I came home and he was changing the brackets, screws- everything in the kit!!!

If AH returns home, we should probably relook @ the household chores being divided, especially since I plan on going back to work FT next fall so I won't be home all day. It would be nice if we could do some of the things on the to do list together, like painting, but to him it is just easier to hire someone (which in turns takes alot more time to get done b/c he procrastinates hiring someone.)

SparkleKitty

Frankly I think your parents should stick to THEIR side of the street and keep their nose out of how you choose to run your household!

Sungrl

It's not 1952.

hopeful4

I can only say that I truly understand. My XAH is not handy at all, and he is a lazy lump. When I kicked him out I had mistakenly thought I would be overwhelmed with more to do. HAHAHA. I have WAY less to do. He made mess and never cleaned it up. He did nothing around the house. So, I actually do a lot less right now.

This contributed to resentment on my part and also contributed to me feeling like the husband and the wife of the house. It is not healthy mentally nor is it fair.

Good luck to you! While you are cleaning gutters put up gutter guards, this will prevent a lot more work in the future!

KidsR#1

Bought the gutter guards 4 yrs ago! Still in the garage waiting for someone to install them :p

I too have noticed that it doesn't take as much time to clean either Hopeful4 since AH left. I guess @ times I have felt like I was taking on both roles and there is some resentment for that.

hopeful4

I completely understand. That resentment was big for me when he was there. I saw him as another child I had to take care of. I did not sign up to parent my spouse when I got married. I have two real children, I don't need a third LOL!

Truly, I think kicking him out has forced him to grow up in a lot of ways, and that is a very good thing.

KidsR#1

Sparklekitty- you are right about my parents. I tend to keep my conversations shorter now with them as they don't necessarily agree with my kicking AH out while he is in early recovery. They are afraid that it will push him over the edge. They don't live near here so didn't see the daily toll it took on me. While my MIL/FIL and Brother in Law whole heartedly agree with the stance I took and support me 100% (because they had seen it unfold firsthand.) My FIL even watched the kids the other night so I could go out for a bit with my MIL. He offered and it floored both my MIL and I!!!

dandylion

Kidsr#1.....bottom line, it is about equity in the relationship. Your (and your husband's) FEELINGS about what is fair or not in the relationship. A feeling of equity is important in a relationship...because if one feels they are getting sc*****---this sets the stage of harbored resentments...which will emerge sooner or later!
From what I have experienced....that usually takes a bit or compromise and negotiation between the partners. And, honesty, also...LOL.

This is going to vary all over the spectrum between different couples. What is comfortable for one couple might be completely wrong for another...

In defense of your parents....your mom may be just observing that you seem "overworked" on the domestic chore, side of things.....

I have spent a lot of my l ife "negotiating"...LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

atalose

I think the more independent we can be the better off we are. I also think your parents are from another generation where certain roles and taken care of by certain genders.

As for what is on your side of the street regarding the house, well if you are living there then it’s your responsibility. If and when your husband returns and you want to balance things out and can talk with him regarding responsibilities and both agree to certain things then that’s great.

But for now take care of you, take care of where you live and by all means have someone (a friend) come over and chat while you attempt the gutters if that is what you chose.

Ladders can be tricky and falls can be hazardous, get some quotes from local people then out weight the hazards to the savings and you decide what is best for you.

If you fall and are out of work, will the cost of savings from not having a professional do it benefit you?

FireSprite

I agree that the division of chores in a family should come down to whatever is agreeable to each individual family.... we always considered it playing to our strengths, lol. I hate mowing the lawn, he loves it... why would I do it? I hate laundry & deal with the fact that I have to do my own in order to keep RAH from shrinking my work clothes in the dryer, but I don't do his laundry & I can't wait until DD starts doing her own as well. (soon!) The inequity comes into play when one partner feels more burdened or overloaded & isn't getting support in changing things.

For me, "my side of the street" is more intangible - I think of it in terms of my own Codie damage, my own recovery challenges, triggers, habits, etc. Saying I'm "staying on my side of the street" is my way of saying that I need to observe but not judge others for these same things; that just like I don't want to be told HOW to work my recovery, it's not up to me to dictate how others see & deal with their own.

hopeful4

For myself, I mowed the lawn (before I broke my leg, now I have someone do it for me lol), I did all the housework and if any repairs were made it was b/c I did so, I made all decisions about our children including all school things and meetings, took care of all things financial, checked the oil in the cars, the list goes on. What I am saying is he did NOTHING, mentally or physically.

It is impossible to be in a relationship like that and have any respect for the other person and not have resentment.

So for me it was as much of a mental thing as the actual work itself. This also contributed to me becoming controlling b/c I was in charge of everything. There is a lot behind all of that. In therapy I learned just how much it affected me as a person. Now it's a relief b/c my burden was lifted both physically and mentally since he no longer lives there.

ladyscribbler

I had this issue as well. The rare occasions when my ex did actually do something, or pay/arrange to have it done there was a huge amount of fanfare that accompanied it. I mowed the lawn nine times out of ten with no real fuss made about it, but that tenth time, when he paid a neighbor kid to do it, I heard about nothing else for weeks on end.
He would also get drunk and decide to "repair" something, which always ended with me having to call a service person so that we could continue to have running water or whatever when he inevitably messed it up worse that it already was.
Nothing breeds resentment like dragging someone's dead weight through life and then having to applaud and pat them on the back for performing the most basic adult responsibilities.
I also have much less work without him around. He was like a destructive cyclone in the house and you never knew what you were going to have to clean up next. If I had waited for him to do it we would have been living in filth, wading through knee deep garbage and dirty dishes.

hopeful4

Lady, were we married to the same man LOL???!!!

I know just what you mean. When my X did even the smallest thing (which also usually resulted in a big mess and me hiring someone to finish or fix it) he expected some huge praise for it. I can only say one more time how grateful I am that is not my life anymore! Thanking God for this!

lizatola

This was my life and is, to some degree. My AH has finally started pitching in with laundry (doing his own mostly) and will clean up the dishes if he eats a meal with us.

For years I cut the grass, trimmed the bushes, took care of the pool, hung all the Christmas lights, changed the air filters for the AC units, took the cars to be washed and oil changed, dropped off his dry cleaning, cooked a home cooked meal every night I was home, etc.

And, yep, what do you know? I got resentful. And, I'm right there with you on the control thing. So thankful for recovery and so thankful knowing that I'm not alone, LOL!

KidsR#1

No worries. Afraid of heights so won't be getting up on a ladder, even though I have a ranch house.

Thanks for all the responses.

One thing I never had to worry about was the finances. He handled them and was always the one to do the school meetings, orientations, etc. He was good at all of that. That was one way (finances) I felt that balanced things. He also was the one that did the homework/reading/spelling with our DD while I cleaned up from dinner. I miss him helping with that.